when i look at other couples around me, ive been starting to build a sense of resentment. its horrible to admit it, even to myself, even in the privacy of this dead blog no one will read, but it's true.
i see where others have gotten in a year, two years of theri married lives, and i see myself still stuck in limbo, still hanging on the same old threads, not moving forward, not moving backward, just stuck in space, and it drives me INSANE.
for a person whose used to so much change in her life and to be with one of the most unmovable, stoic men of all time is very very frustrating. I used to push him to change, push him to finish his degree, or start a new one, get a certificate, look for a better job and get out of his dead-beat job that barely pays the bills, is an entry level job and has zero options for growth, but ive stopped. im tired out. he doesnt want to listen or may be he does, may be his shame and embarrassment at being stuck where he is drives him into this little hole where he is lost and utterly defensive about letting anyone else pull him out again.

the decision to not move out right away at the time we got married  was my WORST mistake ever. I thought that id be the sarasvati bahu (i dont even know what that means) and sacrifice myself on the alter of selflessness by first, getting to know the family and khidmat kaar-ing etc. what i forgot was that people get used to khidmat reaaaallllllyyyyyyyyy fast, and then they won't let you leave. In the meantime, the acquired sister left, then did the brother, and so we have to bear the brunt of keeping the family together because, well, someone needs to be there for the parents.

Is it horrible me thinking that? maybe. But let's get the facts straight. I'm stuck in a basement which has flooded 5 times since I got married, had four walls broken and repaired, had my kitchen thrown out and replaced, had the carpeting changed to flooring which me and my husband did ourselves, and had to share the bathroom with syed's grand parents, his brother, the laborer....let me know not even go into the details of the amount of pee stains and shit stains and paan stains i've wiped off the toilet bowl and the shower.
It gets old really fast, this whole selflessness thing.

The nights are long and cold but for when I see your face my heart explodes with sunbeams.

........
These are some tough times jaan, but for you,
A thousand times over.

(The beginning. Continued)

When I was finally ushered in, I found her standing, draped in chiffon (that lovely elegance), by the golden sunlight, still pale against her.
Maybe other eyes disagreed, her life had worn her down, but to me, she was as full of magical exuberance as when I had first seen her...so, so long ago.
Her voice arose, shattering the silence and my nerves.
'I do so love a good story...and hate a poor ending.'
Pause.
'What about endings you spend years toying with, but never quite find out about?'
'Well, those are just the absolute worst, aren't they?' She said, finally turning to face me.

Even in that millisecond, I knew that I still hated her, I could still hate her. After so long, I had envisioned her leaping to turn towards me at the creak of the door, the fall of my footstep or perhaps, perhaps composed herself just until the first syllable left my lips.

She had still resisted.
Even now, she wouldn't grant me the comfort of this small victory.