As things go from bad to worse Eeda.. I want you to remember this
There is no knight in shining armor.
There is nobody who will come for you in the middle of the night to save you because you are terrified.
Nobody who will surprise you because you are scared
Or alone.
Pity me doesn't work.
Need you definitely doesn't work.
Stop expecting people to do things the way you would in their shoes.

YOU are your own knight in shining armor.
You are the knight, the gold the silver the brass of the armor, the savior the salvation the hope and the dream.. Its just YOU that needs to save yourself when you are alone or terrified or broken or sick or exhausted.
Don't you DARE depend on anyone.
Ever again.

You silly child. You were born for greater things than relying on men.
Let the drowning man drown Eeds.
Save yourself.

No one's coming.

Anguish

My heart my heart my heart I left behind.

I'm screaming on the inside. Just ask me once. Are you ok?
No I'm not.
Do you need help?
Yes. Yes I do.
Mein kia karun?
Mujhe bacha lo. Yahan se le jao.
Bus.

Screaming screaming screaming on the inside.
Help
Help
Help

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

Yes you can
Breathe
Remember the glimpse of him you saw when he hugged you and held you at the beach
Breathe
Remember all is not lost
As you stick your head out the window and sang, what is it that you did in gulps and lung full, embracing the moment? You
Breathed
When he poured his heart out to you in the car and you finally remembered what it felt like to love him even fleetingly? You
Breathed
When you drove to the house and remembered driving up the first time and throwing up at the curb and late night walks and remembering how it was you smiled at him and he smiled too you remembered you used to
Breathe
When he kissed you like he meant it and you felt it like you used to
That is how you had, all those years ago, learnt how to
Breathe

So now when he says the words about you and his dad and the heartache so deep it takes your breath away, when he curses and cries and you have to get your own iftar after driving 2.5 hours and cleaning and chores and cooking all day yesterday and sehri and his drunk behavior at night and how you just stormed out of the house heart in your mouth heartbeat in your lung but not much else and you want to scream for it to stop because you can't breathe
Remember Eeds
Its just the moment. You know how to breathe. Remember you know how. Remember the love. Remember that you can and that you have and that you will. Remember this is just a moment and it is not invincible, You are.
Breathe my jaan. Inhale. This too shall pass.

Breathe.

Rage

silent screaming yellowredhot rage curling
inside from intestines intertwining with
reason rationale morality sanity
everything is lost
in a burning fire that rips
me to shreds i
don't know who i am is this
how burn victims feel when
they see trauma, nightmares of
burning houses screams and
no water no relief no one
to save them?
i want to scream
and scream
and scream i feel like i left
a child in the house that
burned down
(the child was me)
i'm
knee deep in ashes, quicksand i
cannot get up, cannot get out, cannot
do not cave
in, still and frozen, Medusa's
wrath i am goddess
victim, slain and
spared
which do i be grateful for?
what (who) do i mourn?





.....................................................................................
someone please light out the fire
it's consumed me.


-Eeda