bulawa

(names removed for protection)

yes i drew it myself. and the blue thingy on it. and that is the color combo for the evening.
and u are all invited in spirit.

gooseybumps. is it real?!

-eeda

long

story short.....
 (old post. do the math eeds)


so. i had a lot of pseudo-intellectual spewings/ soul exposes/ emo rants the likes on pieces of soul paper, back of notebooks, scratched in paper margins, nameless word documents etc that need to be typed...just charting the journey i guess.
this year has been..quite an experience. 22 in 3 days. S and family 'seeing me' in...11 days. umra in  18. last semester of classes in 19. ammi happy with the whole thing since 8 (miraculous 180 much?) numbers and numbers and ..stories.

here we go.

-undated-, between sept-dec 2010, pieces.

I believe that somewhere inside there's a small real eeds waiting to come out (and the fact she hasn't yet makes me sad all the time) ....(coincidentally tying in with the 'protect ur inner little girl talk with prof')
hang on little girl.

no more mr.nice guy girl.

You make me Me when I is not I.

-identity moratorium-

is it why i'm willing to majorly compromise myself in exchange for a chance to be myself unabashedly?
(strong willing nutty artistic empowered loving obedient child of the earth)

unabashedly myself. only on paper
on a newsstand near you. 99c a copy.

(nasty) hopeful idealism 

(unreal) healing romanticism

 believe in what nourishes the soul, and not the toxic words of bitter old people. i am still young, i still want stars to light my eyes, even if they are the cheap plastic made in China rip-off kind from the dollar store.

hope, the thing.... (mujhay bachana)

jagmati hui chandni raat hai. raat hai yeh, sitaron ki baraat hai

why is it always so dark on the inside? (except for when you tell me                                       

eeda, no more,                                                                                                                                  

i promise you) 

to believe or not to believe, that is

i tried the world 

it wears no more

the coloring of

romance, it wore.

its raining its raining says she. its raining but inside me.

is it idealism that causes the darkness? the quest for utopic perfection and subsequent .... reality check?         

maybe that's what the bitter old people mean...dollar store starry lights tend to have short fuses.

short lives.

jagmati hui raat yeh, lab per hai shikayatein

-undated 2- summer 2010?

how do i turn shoulders to silkwings and fly?

when my feet are still buried in your crumbling earth...

corners, consoling, condolence

-undated 3-

back from personal jihad. still continuing

my mind has tainted shut of shock

stress 

of reality not seamlessly

interweaving

with sore existence.

July 28th 2010,

'i will talk to you about it later'

when dad? brute force or words of kindness. what will it be about?

you are everything they are not, and that is perhaps why i love you. 

'there is no need'

of course there is need. do not continue to silence voices that need to speak, words you need to hear.

avoidance is Not a solution. 

July 29th 2010.

-stolen-

apnay bhi pesh aen hum se ajnabi, waqt ki sazishen 

koi samjha nahee.

be irada kuch khataein hum se ho gaee.

ankhen....doobi doobi si surmayee madham...

khwab ke bojh se, kapkapati hui. halki palkein teri, yaad atta hai sab.

what if it's just the chase? taking its toll that i'm leaving without you...


reminiscing.....

more trips to the shrink-y. gttakeepsane gttakeepsane gttakeepsane till i get out of here.
S coming this weekend to get the legal license for marriage.
yes. i know. i dont know.

-eeda

there are...

abysses in rainbows, and loopholes in fairy tales.

i always tend to evade the over-dramatic, atleast in my own count, but it follows me like a bad ghost habit. one cultivated from long years of avoidance, playing chase.

words. i used to feel powerful in this own revelation that i could mold them around my wrist like a poisonous snake aching to taste the sour skin surface but holding out of sheer terror.
those same words are terrorizing me now.

I downplayed a lot of things, that I've been feeling guilty about.

I thought that talking to u on Skype was not right.

I thought that talking to u when everyone is feeling awkward is not right.

I thought that caring for u was not right.

I thought that loving u for the person u r was not right.

But all of the above is right if my actions towards u were not of intimacy.

  

At what unturned stone will u mark boundary and say, nay, i have not yet crossed the realm of intimacy to claim you as mine, we are still safe as strangers, woven as friends and perhaps,..
perhaps no more. i may be the phoenix that sears into your heart, can read smoldering looks hastily turned away embedded in anger,i  can read whatever i find reflected in the red pools within your soul..this mirage tells me stories and i say, i love you for all the myriad dreams i dream, and never once of touch, never once of anything beyond the intimate. 
a-quivering i beg to remain with you, without you. 


but how do i begin to forgive? 
why are you still the only one who walks through the fire to ask? why ask.

sometimes, you are more stressful to me than work

sometimes, i paint pathways in the greyblue sky and dot them with silver. 
open and close. not surprise, resignation, and defeat. inevitability.

what have i become?

 i reach out and you lock all the darkness back within me, can we talk of something else?

open and close. yes, what would you like to talk about? 

i see my painted stars drifting, drifting drifting into chaos. 

dulhan se ziada dulhan ki maa..

mere dil se ziada mein... mein kuch nahee. ji ji ji. 

i will paint this summer in strokes of utter, vivid Red..

the golden is irritating me beyond depths i can fathom.

so u noticed?

IBKMB: hey.

eeda: hey

IBKMB: how r u?

eeda: im ok

eeda: =) 

IBKMB: sure?

eeda: yeh

IBKMB:u don't look it.

eeda: ill get there

IBKMB:u r getting worse.

eeda: i need time.

eeda: its not u. its everything else too.

IBKMB:don't lie.

eeda: i would never lie to u. i never have

IBKMB:not even to make me feel better?

eeda: i said im ok.

IBKMB: ok.  I'm just saying that I'll be grateful if u don't lie even to make me feel better.
IBKMB: thankful

eeda: im ok. composed as best as i can be. and its not u, its evrything else too. thats the honest truth.

IBKMB:need venting? 
IBKMB:please do. 

IBKMB: I'll feel better too.

eeda: no. no venting. 
IBKMB: y?

eeda: u cannot vent sadness. u can vent anger

IBKMB: but u can vent the reasons.

IBKMB: u've done that in the past.
eeda: no.

eeda: im tired. let it be.

eeda: it will go 
IBKMB: something is diff.

eeda: this is me when ive had too much.
IBKMB: I know but this is where u vent. 
IBKMB: more the reason to.

eeda: this is where i shut off.

IBKMB: don't, we need u on.
IBKMB: please.

eeda: =)
IBKMB: please say something.

IBKMB:anything.

eeda: i need time. and quiet.

eeda: and myself.

i know i did.

-heh- just re-read that convo. so dramafulawkwardfunnysilly. its going to make me laugh for a longgg time.

time for me to finish this long-overdue paper.

-eeda

kash ke

i could say jo mere andar ho raha hai.


God has a funny way of testing people; but sometimes i feel i've been hand-picked as a favorite. i discovered about M's personality disorder last weekend, and suddenly so much in my life made sense. like all the candles in the room lighting up at once, a scene out of a romance movie this was not, but neither was it abject horror. it was the well-crafted explanation you keep buried in your heart come true to life, and the resulting relief and at once, fear....was crippling..liberating...
the ultimate testament from other ''victims'' they call it echoing in my throat..i am sane.. i have NOT lost my mind. or have i? close to it.
i may need years of therapy to cope, i don't know. years to wipe clear the stains and stumps in a broken heart.
the incidents haven't stopped, just started making more sense. as they enter the realm of my new relationships, i feel withered, defeated, even here. the agony lashes out at her, telling her that at least, let this space be mine own.
they don't understand why i would disengage one i so love; i do not want them to burn in the pride as i have, make me feel the worthlessness that i have become.

and then happened the incident of yesterday. another gross violation of body, privacy, self.... this time again, someone so dear. the distance of it made me temporarily apathetic to what had happened. but S's reaction and utter fury made me realize the depth of what had occured. i cannot face him anymore, living in this same house as me, and i question motives objectives and sincerity behind 'you're doing well'. how naive of me. was it pure brotherhood or?
i cannot bear to think the thought and yet it races through my  mind and in fact, all over my sullen face, giving me a permanent blush...an insane fever burning across my cheeks. i refuse to be the victim but being in his presence after the encounter yesterday seems impossibly hard; like two guilty victims we stare at our toes, phones, knuckles blanched in shame.

what do u do when you lose something so dear to you you built so tentatively? i have learnt that the male ego can never be pure like mine, or am i questioning a friendship where we had promised no questions left unanswered? now a hundred questions bubble in my mind and i cannot think, resounding again with the same persistent 'why' i had and still want to ask my khalu, over and over again.

what is it about me that leads to this i wonder? i am trying to evade the self-guilt but it is impossible in a situation like this, person like me. i float away with agony, crumpled lotus flower form on a grey waterbed....wondering when it will end.

the shrink is is needed again perhaps, the anguish too much for the little frame to contain, the fever flashing across face, mind, heart is crippling my thinking. just an intense sorrow i contain behind a tight lipped facade, smiling only when the tide subsides, retreating in myself otherwise..

save me ya Allah, no more. please no more.
-eeda