No Goodbyes-

hey ya'all..lolz....ive been happy lately cuz despite all the sstruggles, things are turning around...YES YES YES..lolz..im leavinf for france and all in about 4 hours so im gnna keep this ne short...
first- the following vid is one of mi most fav songs..its by cheesy lil ol' Blue..lolz.....they never did an official vid but this is the best i cud come up with.....




"No Goodbyes"

Yeah no more tears, no more goodbyes

Don't you know it's time for me to go
Even though it hurts to see you cry
But don't you know you'll never be alone
If you hold me deep inside (oh yeah)

You know that Iwould rather stay
But now before I turn away
There's one last thing to you
I want to say

[Chorus]
Baby there's no goodbyes
I'll always be right by your side
I may be far away
You know that my heart will stay, with you, always

Now I've pictures in the distance
Even though it seems a million miles
But there'll be no space between us
I'll be there everytime you close you eyes. Yes I will (oh)

You know that I would rather stay
But now before I turn away
There's one last thing to you
I want to say

[Chorus]

I don't wanna say words that people say
Cos when I go away, my love will stay

In the heart of you to help you make it trough
Baby that is why there can be no. No goodbyes

[Chorus x2]

You know what no more goodbyes


and if u guys hav an ounce of sense- which, since ur mi friends, i belive u do- lolz, ud realise this song is dedicated to u lot..lolz.i realli do miss u guys...

ok news in quickie-
-i got the visa, messed up the ticket, ran around town but finalli got in done,
-got 3 Bs in micro econ, english and philosophy for mi first term..it ain't amazing bt considering all the work and all, it aint half bad either..esp the mark in english..lolz
-hmm....patricks been talkin to me a lot...haha......i dont start any convos anymore, given whut happened..but yeh, hes been telling me allllllll about himself,,,and u know whut? i think he's a MAJOR ass with no idea of whut hes doing...its a wonder his gf stuck thru with him for so long.....i realli realli realli feel bad for her, and she was onli 16 too.....hes a complete weird freak of a guy,...i wont tell u guys why now..cuz im still horrified miself,..lolz..but yeh, maybe later..one thing is for sure,, i cant ever like him that way again...or even if i do, i wont ever trust him...or let him too close........jus not worth it
-ezra's an adowableeeee idiot..lolz...we had such a cute lil convo a while back..haha..no time now but ill definittely post it up next time
-no more news ..lolz..im off now, hope u guys have an AMAZIN 2 weeks...and hav read this by the time i come back,, >(......haha..its aite, i knw ur all busy..
-LUV U LOADSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS......and ever and ever and ever...llolz

me me me me meeeeeeeeeee..........

BitterSweet

long long long long long day...
add another long..
wher?
between the long and the long...

slept at 4 am ...woke at 6 ..went to uni...saw ez with his adorable lil glasses he wears..he doesn wear contacts on days he has exams, incase they bug him..oh, and he completly forgets to shave......hahaha...so he looked lost and confused ..like a lil 14 yr old...anyways,, the exam was ohkayyyy....i did okay i think..it was easier thn i thought..wayne ws there...sat next to me and ez...bianca and tommy sat far far away.....tommy cuz he cudn fight a seat and like bianca gives a damn anymore anyway...
finished earlier thani thought i wud..went to see ez in library who had alreadyfinished 15 mins earlier..big surprise there......haha...watched sum of his (lame) youtube vids, told him to get a life...said our goodbyes and hope u hav a gud time and the embassy doesn screw u up etc...
went and saw socrates guy on the way..went and said hey (yes armie i came out of mi wall for a whiile..) he seemed genuinely surprised tht i approached him....how can i tell?well
a) i have brains
b)i have eyes
c) it was kinda obv in the way he replied heyyyyyyyy,,,,
we talked..he seems nice...doin' joint psychology and minoring in phil....sweet guy...later on asks me,
him- is ezra ur best friend
me (startled)- no,,not best friend, but one of mi closest friends..
him-i thought u knew him frm before
me- i jus been here 3 months, onli became his frnd cuz of phil..

haha..best friend?! far from it....bt i pityed socrates...he seemed loneli...

then i went to the embassy..who made me wait....again....this time round the visa woman in charge didnt even look at me..the guard shooed me away sayin its not done yet,,no replies from french govt, we'll call u..
stunned and depressed and frustated beyond anything ive ever felt,,i walked out..called dad and mi aunt....told him id get ticket changed..told them id b late coming back home cuz i might hang out with sum friends..they said ok, don't worry..relax...so on.....all to make me feel ok...not like a failure.....tho thts all tht ive done.....haha..but wait,,,,the major major screw up is YET to come...

wandered round downtown waiting for patrick to come..he had an exam at 3 and was supposed to meet me at 4...tried calling travel agent, the machine said u needed coins..withdrew money frm atm, tried to get itchanged into coins ........but, out of the million shops around, they didnt hav any coins to give...finalli aftr walkin miles in circles, got 5 dollars worth of change, called, they put me on hold for those 5 minutes, card finished...
wht did i say to tht?
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...
whut else was there to say?/

boiling now,i called mi aunt..she said buy a calling card..went to the other end of the world to get one.....meantime, got mi slightly expensive bra exchanged..turned out mi size is refusing to fit me now...and i tried evrything else but nuthing fits...either the cups too small or too big or the band is falling down or whutever..got a slightly loose version,, ran to make the call to travel agent again.....note-
1)according to mi aunt- loose bras have an advantage- they can b shared btween aunts and nieces..
2)the distance between wher i got the card to wher me and pat were supposed to meet and where the payphones were is 5 times ism....maybe more..i went up and down that road about 3 times today....not including other walking around that area too..and i hav mi aunty too..the onli way im surviving is panadol and brufen....haha..yeh don;t glare..thers realli no other way out...id die of the pain otherwise.....

well then i call them, a good hour before patricks about to come so i finish fixing the ticket thing on time..bt it doesn happen....and patrick comes by then.....and listen to this- the original ticket price is like 1600..the charges to get it transfered to another day?
1070.
yup..as much as the ticket...yup,no cheaper rates..yup i tried calling 10 times and arguing with them already..yup, the ticket is non refundable
and yes, we are screwed
and oh yes, hav to change it in the next 3 hours or risk losing the ticket altogther..
and yes, must remain sane and happy while doing that.

so..anyways,,i heard travel agent with one ear- called patrick adn told him where exactly i wwas with the other ear, and kinda tried to block out the chinese conversation and the arabic conversations from the two booths at the side of me , plus all the blaring music from the stores behind me...anyways..after an hour and 30 minutes of arguing, ihad no luck..the cheapest air ticket was still 1069..seeing patrick there made me smile tho..yes he's an asshole but why the hell can't i eevr be mad at him? i dont know why......grrrrr...i promised miself id leave the screaming for later- if i ever got the heart to do it

we went to a shop to pick up a jeans he had wanted..( onli 350 dollars....nothing special =P) yup the guys rich..doing odd jobs and his contests and whut not...then we wandered round downtown...looking for a restaurant..he was worried i wudnt eat anywhere cuz of halal meat/ generaal pickiness,,, so he kept making sure every place we stopped at had a huge veggie menu id like....finalli came to a cute lil thai restaurant,,,niccely done...and the food was AH-MAZING..i had veggie rice and tofu and sauce and all..he had rice and cod fish and all....but the food was realli good..and im sure expensive too..he said he had to go the bathroom, but it was an excuse to go and pay, so we wudnt fight over it.......see its little things like this tht make me like him..nd then he writes all tht trash...anyways, the dinner was a success....in gttin me ok fr a while again at least....we had realli gud time.......he told me things hes never told anyone, and trust me its not jus sumthing he was saying tht hes never told neone...the nature of the things were such tht im sure he WUD NOT hav told anyone..im sorry i cant write them here...,...

anywyas...we ate, we talked, we left...walked back to skytrain station,..train was cramped,,we were standing close..didn mean too.....:$......and he kept starin at me..and i blushed..and he said this is the last time we're ever gonna meet then..and i said i know..(and it hurt)....but it was true....then he asked if he dare hug me..and i laughed and i said i dont mind..and we hugged..''blush blush''..hahaha..OI its onli a hug...bt it ws a long-ish hug..and yeh it felt gud, esp after the whole stress of the day....and for the first time i felt mi walls coming down, and i ws bout to cry..BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT i didnt..OK???....dont go aw-ing for me now..
i said DONT....
jus reminded me of the time wen u cud run into ur mums hug or ur sissters or jus SUMONES and itd b okay for a while..a place where noone cud touch u...thts how it felt like, for the briefest of times..and it made me miss home...and rimaaaaaaa and armieeeeeeeee and sandyyyyyyyyyyy....cuz we used to hug every day....nd i didnt realise how much it meant to me and how much id miss it till i came here
..anywyas..his station came....side hug again..bye byes...lolz..
no, i didnt get miself to swear at him
or attack him...
dont glare u idiots......hes crap to me then he makes up for it and i jus didn know whut to say..
i swear i ws gonna write him an email but then he came online and said hie..and we talked some more..about realli personal stuff..hahah..big red blush coming up again....lolz...
and oh, he said i was soft..
OH SHUT UP ...haha.....no comment...


well thts that..its over now ..unofficialli....which means tht tho it hurts, its time for me to move on....to forget....to b ok...to not care for him and all the silly lil things hes does...

ps- he gpt me a book hed been goin pn and on about..the one called boundaries..UNFORTUNATELY..m iaunt saw me with it and has been hanging onto it since..shes gotten this annoying habit th she reads every book i get first..for whut reason i dont know...she jus reads EVRYTHING i get.....and its so annoyingg.. REALLI feel like reading it now but shes asleep on top of the book tho she promised shed come and give it to me..
.and what can u say to this..
another ARGHHHHHHHHHHH..
or if ur tired of argh-ing and having to open up ur mouth wide, do the shut-mouth anger expression..thts
GRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....
gnash teeth too...for added effect....=)

hmmmmm..............whut else....came home...finalli the euphoria faded..now im sittin with massive butterflies and stress about mi visa..its gotten to such a big complicated mess tht u three cant even imagine...heck, even i cant..we're losing about 1600 dollars...all cuz i didnt try hard enuf..and because aunt and uncle didn guide me whilst buying the ticket....and i cant say its ok, we make mistakes because this is ONE BIG mistake.....one exxpensive mistake...

anyways.....ive onli slept 4 hours in the last 24 hours and probabli wont sleep all night today till mi dad and his best frnd sort out mi ticket thngy in libya and tell me whut to do..and thts got to be before 4 am so ill b up till then..mi eyelids feeel like tins already and theyve already swollen up....its best i lay back and relax for a while now..lolz...

all mi crap for now..
luv u all
over and over and over and over....
eeedums..

ps-rima-theres better pictures,,,bt i dnt look like a kid in them..i look like im 25..haha..and im ..er....shy to post those up yet...er....hahaha.......ill send u this one if i gt time aite...?hope app s goin great with M*M* and armie with M*R*..hahahahahah........
xoxoxos..

ps-hers a song ive been lsnin to latelyy--loveeeeeee it
mario vasquez-ask abt mi luv
guh-roooovyyyyyyyy beat ...:)

Blah

had too much in mi mind..just had to let it all out in one short random post tht dint make any sense...

in 8 hours, i have mi final philosphy paper..i have no idea whut is whut, who is who , who said what.....its just a big jumbled mess of weird sounding names ...epiphenomenalism and interactive dualism and realistic rationalism and idealistic empiricism......sounds chinese? yeh, to me too..
ezra says' you must focus'
haha..always the sane voice of calm...i miss him..talked to him yesterday and poor things stressed out too.....cooped up in his house..haha....well, it had his benefits,,he got a bloodi 97 in his Math Final...no kidding...he's such a hidden nerd.....
hmm..tomorow right after exam i have to rush to the french embassy downtown and see about mi passort....mi flishts at 4 am the very same night/ next day..i need to get shoes for khadeeja, and exchange a slightly expensive bra i got for miself which despite being mi size is way too tight.....and its at the other end of the world..and i need to buy snacks and all for mi flight..IF iget the visa..if i dont, then i need to call cheaptickets headoffice US and ask them for changing mi seat to the 17th, adding in areturn ticket via geneva-paris-montreal-vancouver and continue to do shopping..

and oh, lunch with patrick at downtown..again...but dont go feeeling im in luv with him or w/em cuz hes a MAJOR asshole..proven by the fact tht he wrote me a v stupid and a v hurtful email yesterday.....if armie wasnt online at tht time and hadnt helped me vent it off, i wudve burst out crying and gone back to bein depressed and all....all this for an incident about 3 days ago..wen ijus sent an offline msg to him saying hie and asking whut he ws upto and hw his econ exam went..and he replied..and said he din;t want to talk..and i said ill ttyl then.....
anyways, the email is ahead, i wont say nething about it after this point..he's a major pain,the email was completly uncalled for, he's an effin idiot for a 24 yr old guy who ranks 18th in the world for solving complex whutevers...... i don't why im even bothering..or whut im getting out of it...i thought hed cancel the lunch thng after this, but he didnt..and ttht pisses me off...w/e..its the last day..and i AM gonna tell him how much hes an ass tomorow...honestly......and it WONT' b nice......not at all.....


Dear Fareeda,

In case you are still interested in what I did yesterday:

Got up at 3am, chat with friends in Vietnam, competed on TopCoder and lost 50 points, went to my ex-gf to pick up my stuff and give back her stuff. She was at work and I could not find my stuff. Went home, filled in Visa application, cleaned-up dishes, cleaned the floor, went to Thang's place to get my money from the laptops, worked on my report, cooked and eat by myself..

This is about all what I remember.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your definition of friend means more than mine. It seems that you require to know what your friend do and feel everyday. It is a huge commitment and time consumming, too.

I have a commitment issue. Now, I get annoyed and scared if I get too close to someone. Moreover, I am very vulnerable, hurt, and weak. Furthermore, I do not know how to share my emotion, no one has ever taught me and I am not capable of findind it out, now, but I will.

I appreciate that you helped me to get through my tough time, and you have always been online for me when I needed a friend most. And, if you really want to be my friend, please, respect my boundaries. Oops, I have not given you the book. My fault !!!

I have been taking your help and support for granted, and I am fully aware that I am hurting your feelings very badly. However, I do not see any other way to resolve this. Please, forgive me.

Your sincerely,

Patrick

and whut else.....abus extended family and friends are complaining that i havent called anyone since i got here, and im an irresponsible lil whutever..at first thought , it made mi blood boil...cuz they didn understand how busy id been..but then i thought wen iws their age and id hav looked aftr sumone for 3 days and all, id hav expected her to atleast gimme one phonecall in 3 months..so im all embarrased now..and thinking of stunning , mind-defying excuses that they cudn possibly argue with.........tough roads ahead..and thts an understatement
whut else..need t buy a suitcase but mi uncles gonna do tht for me..i swear i dunno whut id do without them..ive been a real mess, moody and not helping round the house, crying and an emotional wreck...its way more than whut mi aunt bargained for..im sure....i wanted it to be so different..i wanted to be so perfect for them...no problems at all...but i being a pain in the arse, and i know it ,,and i wish i could change it but i can't,,and its pissing me off....

need to iron out all mi clothes for the trip tomorow..pack underwear, and scarves and clothes and sunscreen,,and ponytails...books....hmmm....clean mi room,,,.......oh btw, rima im sending a few things for u with mi mum, dnt worry,,its a coupla cards and a small bday gift...if we eevr do meet..and sandy and armie and all i need ur home addresses so i cant atleast send u sum letters too.....don't go, awww u dont need to..I DO..ok..no arguments..

ps sandy, i wont b here on ur bday, will hav no net access so here's a BIG HAPPY BDAYYYYY in advance to u incase i cant send a card and all in time...luv u loads huney..loads loads loadssss...hope u hav a BLAST cuz u deserve it..ad hope this year brings u everything u ever dreamt of....ok, mayb not anas.....hahahaha..u deserve better than him......prince charming on a pink horse singing Belly Dancer...bwahahaha.......

i missed a meeting with mi business courses advisor today cuz i set the alarm clock to 7 pm instead of am...laugh it off..ahaha..the next ones not due till 7 th of sept..the onli other way os to call or hav a live chat..but im leaving tomorow anyways..so mi next semesters courses are screwed..majorly screwed.///2 of them r on the waiting list and i cat swap cuz mi stupid enrollment account won;t let me..and the onli way to fix that is to call except noone ever picks up the effin helpline...

do i even realise how big of a mess im in?
i dont't think i do/...i wish i did..but mi brain stopped functioning a while back..
wait, how do i know i eeven HAV a brain isn't that like saying im a physicalist as opposed to a interactive dualist? wtfffffffffffff......hahaha
Its back to philosphy then.....haha

lov u guys.....
thanx for putttin up with my numerous, childish, random , emotional, gooey, whutever tantrums and rants of blah blah blah in my dark and difficult times..hahaha =P
it's appreciated...

good luck to me for tomrow...

Holding On......and Letting Go

Holding on
(to u guys..lolz...)




i got ur back
u got mine
we'll help each other out
anytime....

:D

(cheesy nostalgic mood again...hahaha)


Letting Go..

i know i say im not cheesy, but trust me whuts coming next will b complete evidence to the contrary...HAHAHA...
I was listening to lily allen's song Smile when i noticed a link to her other song, Littlest things.
it reminded of patrick-yes, him again...because so much of the lyrics are true..



"Littlest Things"

Sometimes I find myself sittin' back and reminiscing
Especially when I have to watch other people kissin'
And I remember when you started callin' me your miss's
All the play fightin', all the flirtatious disses
I'd tell you sad stories about my childhood
I don't why I trusted you but I knew that I could
We'd spend the whole weekend lying in our own dirt
I was just so happy in your boxers and your t-shirt

[Chorus]
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of you and me
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you have the same dreams too.

The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things are reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?

Drinkin' tea in bed
Watching DVD's
When I discovered all your dirty grotty magazines
You take me out shopping and all we'd buy is trainers
As if we ever needed anything to entertain us
the first time that you introduced me to your friends
and you could tell I was nervous, so you held my hand
when I was feeling down, you made that face you do
There's no one in the world that could replace you

[Chorus]
Dreams, Dreams
Of when we had just started things
Dreams of me and you
It seems, It seems
That I can't shake those memories
I wonder if you feel the same way too

The littlest things that take me there
I know it sounds lame but its so true
I know its not right, but it seems unfair
That the things reminding me of you
Sometimes I wish we could just pretend
Even if only for one weekend
So come on, Tell me
Is this the end?

so yes it is the end..and yeh we did go buying trainers...and i did get nervous round his friends..and i did tell him bt mi childhood..and not every little thing reminds me of him haha..but the song's good...thts all..
trust me, that IS all...im letting go..
cuz rima said so
cuz its the sane thing to do
cuz im dumb for holding on in the first place...
hahaah..

Help

And in the dark, there shall be a ray of hope..

well, again ...i dunno whut id do without friends..and family..lolz....bigggggggg thanks to rima and armie for lsnin patiently and worryingg..to arthie who cant read this but i mus mention, for calling...makin me laugh the way i used to with u guys in high schooll..freeeee.....tth if we'd laugh long and hard enuf, the pain wud go away.....obv me and her talked abt ridiculous things, stupid things...but funni enuf to make me collapse on the floor out of breath.....i was happy...

and well yeh, now its official.i AM in love with patrick.hahaha....i promised miself i wudn and i denied it ..but i do care alot for him....and i dunno whther he cares,,but he does..atleast a little...and thts enuf....and he makes me happyyyyyy.....
ok stop it u guysssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!if i blush anymore theyll b selling me at the green grocers as some form of hybrid human tomato...lolzzzz..
.well, even tho i dint realli think about him all day..we chatted a while ago, andddddddddddddddd welllllll..he asked me for dinner tomoro..im all :)...and i conivinced mi dad to giv mi curfew a break....and he agreed!!! the onliiii problem now is the final approval frm mi aunt...but itll b all gudddd...
and yes yes heres the convo....




fareedasiddiqui: its not a joke
destinationgoal: I know
fareedasiddiqui: hah...
fareedasiddiqui: u dnt...cuz if u did..ud hav a diff reply..
fareedasiddiqui: forget it
fareedasiddiqui: ill see abt the counsellor.....
fareedasiddiqui: hello
fareedasiddiqui: did i go and offend u again
destinationgoal: Thang and Luong are showing off clothes
destinationgoal: they called me out for a sec
fareedasiddiqui: oh...
destinationgoal: sorry about that
fareedasiddiqui: its ok
destinationgoal: I really don't get what you meant there
destinationgoal: why can't you explain what is wrong ?
fareedasiddiqui: because too much is rong..and i dont know if ud even want to listen
destinationgoal: I can read :)
destinationgoal: if not listen :)
fareedasiddiqui: haha.....
destinationgoal: hey
fareedasiddiqui: hmm...
destinationgoal: tomorrow is probably our meeting for a long time
destinationgoal: could I take you out for dinner ?
fareedasiddiqui: id love to....
fareedasiddiqui: ur forgettin i hav curfew
fareedasiddiqui: bt i wudve loved too
destinationgoal: I will buy you lunch then
fareedasiddiqui: i appreciate that very much nhan..
fareedasiddiqui: r u free on friday? i cud spend pretty much the whole day till 7.
destinationgoal: nah
destinationgoal: I am booked until Aug 18
fareedasiddiqui: hahaha
fareedasiddiqui: booked ;;)?
destinationgoal: Friday = robot team meeting
fareedasiddiqui: ohh
fareedasiddiqui: its aite...
destinationgoal: August 12 : 5-7 pages essay
fareedasiddiqui: bloody curfew!!1
destinationgoal: August 14: macro econ
fareedasiddiqui: haha..its okkkkkkk patrick u dont need to tell me
destinationgoal: August 18: 10-12 pages paper
fareedasiddiqui: jeez ur busier than i am
destinationgoal: when are you leaving ?
fareedasiddiqui: 15th
fareedasiddiqui: if i get mi visa
destinationgoal: it is gonna be fine
fareedasiddiqui: i wish i cud say tht too..and itd b fine
fareedasiddiqui: its the other way round now...ur sayin it...hahaha

some part skipped...

destinationgoal: I will be in library
destinationgoal: then we can go for lunch
fareedasiddiqui: okay
fareedasiddiqui: nhan thanks for doing this
destinationgoal: and talk about stuff
fareedasiddiqui: yes...stuff.
destinationgoal: my pleasure
fareedasiddiqui: :)
destinationgoal: good night
fareedasiddiqui: u too...tho im sure we boh arent sleeping
fareedasiddiqui: any time soon
destinationgoal: I will be your good friend, remember ?
fareedasiddiqui: i dont :P
fareedasiddiqui: haha...
fareedasiddiqui: no,ur a very good friend
fareedasiddiqui: a very very good friend



ps....whut kind of friend buys u dinner? i dunno..im jus glad he thought abt it..friend or otherwise.....well, then i talked to dad,and i told him i needed to hang out with sum friends for a while...and he said OK!!!! lolz.. IF mi aunt agrees to tht ...well shes asleep now, and i havent yet told patrick the change of plans...but letseeeeeeeeee whut happens tomoro..either way we're havin linch tomoro and once more , this time downtown ,on the 14th before i leave.and he was fretting about not knowing whut restaurant to take me, said it was a big challenge ahead..hahah..hes so adorable..i shud stop liking him so much..lolz..
BUT IM HAPPY..thats the thing..i still havent talked to ammi,im probably gonna screw mi exam and not get mi visa in time but im still happy...i hope the feeling lasts till tomoro...

last words..thank u....from the bottomsssss of mi heart.........u pulled me out in ISM and u kept me sane....and ur doing it now when u shudn b cuz ur all busy with ur own lives and ur own problems.....and i cant ever thank u enuf for that..

pps...armie..go for m**K,,,,,,...he'll heall ur depression too..
bet rima has it too...
whut the hell has gotten into us.....hahahaha....
but 'baby, when i shine, u shine'
and we're gonna b okayyyyy,...jus u wait and seee..

I

this post is dedicated to me gtting my anger out...haha...
these realli are mi random rantings...





i try
i satisfy
i fail
i fight
i cry
i scream
i hate
i break
i pretend
i smile
i tear inside

.


not all help is welcome
khalas gone and told ammi evrything about me..i promised miself i wudn trust her,,but i did...ive started wearin slightly shorter tshirts tht i used to,,and i mentioned to her how i wudn take them with me to mi trip to france, cuz mum and all want me more conservatively dresssed in kurtis and they wudn kike me wearin whut i do..lo and behold, tht biatch goes nd tells mi mum evrythinggggg,,fareeda doesn eat, fareeda doesn pray, fareeda doesn dress right,,evn tho mi aunts own clothes aare wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy vulgar than i am and she knws it too....fareeda doesn exrecise, fareeda isnt social ,fareeda neeeds to b FUCKIN LEFT ALONE WOMAN.
mi mum andi fought again,,,alot....over her waanting me to do this and this and this and that and oh, buy this and tht and u neevr lsn to whut isay ,u ever do whut i do and i tried telling her tht im busy i cnt handle and she goes if u cnt handle why the hell dont u come ack,,why the hell did u go,,u and ur lame excuses,,all u hav is lame excuses..,,,,blah blah..and ofcourse i argued..no point in anything...locked miself in the bathrom,,closed the lights out......cried,,,longer and harder than ever since coming here..shivered, and laughed and cried and laughed..thought of commititn suicide..seriousli,,,,,wud dying giv me peace? i dunno.....
.im tired of being their perfect girl..dont make guy friends, dont make non muslim non scarf friends, dont go out with any friend, do get amazin grades but dont stress dont worry aand dont study too much..but make sure u get the grades ok,,,go out evrywhere with ur aunt and uncle, even if it a day before the exams....and get the grades,,,do get a phone card and call us all regularly, do get shoes for khadeeja and nizam and a backpack for khadeeja and night cream for ammi and so and so dozen other creams for ammi and a new suitcase and some new bras for ureself and get a job later so ican help ammi with her expenses and get viisas and insurance and make sure ur flight is booked the right time and make sure the return flight and the hotel is booked okay and make sure u pack so and so and make sure u call all ur relatives in US to let them know u care and make sure u get calling cards for that and check dadss bank account, sumones messin with his credit card and sort out his apartment and the problems his tenant is having and make sure ur visa and passport are renewed in time by december and make sure ur rooms always clean and make sure ur helping round the house and praying and eating 3 meals and doing ur own laudry and try not to spend too much or too little on food and try and be happy and stressfree.......its nto a alot to do,,,,,u can hardly call ureself busy..whut? theres NUTHING to do at all,,,why the hell are u complaing!!u and ur lame excuses....ur good for nuthing....

yeh
im a failure,,

all mi 18 years have been spent trying to make sumone happy....either mi dad or mi mum or mi bro or sum friend or sum teacher or soceity or relatives....jus everyone's expectations needed to b met,,everyones demands......and never demand anything for ureself..neevr question, neevr ask,.....

DO NOT FIGHT BATTLES YOU CANNOT WIN

is there anyone doing anything out theere for me? oh hell yeh mi dads working and mi mums worrrying..how can i forget,,,,..why? to make sure i turn into the girl of their dreams.....whose sophisticated and calm and dresses in long conservative clothes and speaks softly and knows how to cook and sew and b good at all housework,whose polite and sweet and gets the perfect grades , has the perfect etiquettes...just their perfect girl..because im their first child, aren't i?

how do you pick up a life you've forgotten how to live?
tie on a mask you've forgotten how to wear?
they said i'd change-for the worse
i wanna prove them wrong.
i've forgotten how

noone cares
when ur alone in the dark, noone comes.
when u cry and ur eyes are sore, noone asks why u hav swollen eyes
noone asks why ur pillow is wet.

im alone..and i hav to keep happy..for them...
i dnt giv shit abt me anymore..abt who i was or whut i wanted or how i felt..i can NEEVR be me....
..im jus a machine whose gotta b their perfect lil baby..no emotions, no dreams nuthing...
jus b whut they wanna be...


why the hell can't i stop crying...hahahhaha....do u knw, im thinkin ive started to sound like those other emo blogs id stumble across sumtimes..'noone loves me, let's all die....blah blah''and i think im turning into them...fallin into the hole mi mum and dad are in.....whys it happenin? i promised miself id NEEVR EVER let anything make me turn into them ...id be normal and id b sane no matter whut happens, because mi life IS important...
why doesn it feel like that anymore?..im turning pschotic, crying and havin mood swings and caring and hurting and screwin up everything im doind...i cnt find the courage to make up that wall again,,the one that keeps u sane..cuz u dont think abt all the bad stuff for a while...i cud do it in ISM bt now i cant....evryy lil bad memory ive ever had keeps coming back to me now,...it never used to...am I making miself like this cuz i want to get attention and care??....is tht tooo selfish...?????

tell too mani lies, and it becomes the truth

all this time ive been telling miself im fine..and i say even now....then i hit across an interactive tool on msnhealth which checks if u hav depression or not..the link is as follows..click on it ..if ur bothered enuf,

check if u hav depression

mi result?
major depression....hahahaha......
yup, not jus one time...i thought itd b a glitch..3 times....in all honesty....no wanna-get-attention-so-lemme-lie-about-these-answers kinda thing.....

it is true tho that both mi parents hav been diagnosed with varying severity of depression..yes it is a proper disease, not jus a mood swing or PMS.....and they say its part genetic...i checked with mi aunt to see how authentic this test thing was..she said its authentic, its medicalli true,,sumthing called pq9 or sutthin which is basic procedure to check for depression....no lies....hmmmmm
does tht mean mi 18 years worth of struggle is bein defeated.? nooooooooooo..haha....i sound so melodramatic....but its true,,,,one of the things ive been proudest of is remainin' sane despite all the crap i saw as a child..and i knw u guys dnt knw all of it,,or u do,,but seeing it is a comletly different story..esp in the middle of the night wen ur like 7 and ur awoken up by screams and all.......yeh i sound like a movie heroine...why do i hav to keep tryin to justify tht these were real problems ....tht they di hurt,,...tht ive had more of a tough time than i let on to people..tht im not jus complainin or exagerrating.., it did happen...it feels like noone wud belive how severe it was..cuz i downplayed it...or i kept quiet abt it..afterall, mi mum and dad and me are world class actors...hahah..tht sounds rude....
..mi dad once said to me too, tht he was amazed i turned out ok.. albeit sum scars but mostli ok.....it meant alot..it still means alot, whenevr sumone tells me u did okay...u were a kid bt u did ok..ur doin well..ur keeping them happy..theyre proud of u...
why does all this matter to me so much? why cant i let it go....


were all mi tries to remain sane jus useless...is it all goin to waste? ......

i WONT let it..

complaining is wrong
whining is wrong
screaming out loud is wrong
upsetting people cuz ur upset is wrong
throwing ur life away is wrong

i WONT let that happen to me.....im goin to be okay...i need to be okay...

And in short, I was Afraid.

ps-im soooooooooooooo emo......next thng ill b wearin black and all too...im laughin at miself, and whut i see isn't funni...




strangeli i feel happy now...ive updated this blog about 20 times todday;....kept on adding w/e i kept feeling...i feel released now..for a while...lozl...i went out of mi room and talked to khala and khalu and joked and all..told khala abt mi result too...yeh its stupid, trustig her again....i dunno....khalu joked around and she ws slightly protective...and tht feeling was gud.....no rejection for once..lozl...i feel a lil better...letsee how long this lastss.
luv u all....despite the fact tht its onli armie who comes here now..and onli her who reads mi BS....its aite...........iounnu bout rima or sandy....its ok...as i said

2 words----I'll manage....(sumhow)..... :D

Impluse.

never think it's safe enuf to say 'all is well now'
Fate will avenge with menance.
it all crashes down, yet again.

Healing.

its 4:38 am i hav nuthin better to do, i made a collage of all the people who've figured in mi life this summer...the onli ones u probli dnt knw are mi hijabi frnds,...eldars the bloke who'll b teachin me macro econ next semester if i get his class.,,,xiandu was mi econ tutor,,,i loveddddddd her cuz of her amazin dressin style and the way she used to take a special interest while teaching us....tina mi english partner..and the rest....people to add were wayne, monica- a great frend from econ tutorial- mandana- again frm econ tut-and a coupla others.im sorry if u dnt like the pictures i put of u,,thse r the ones i thought show ubest...lozl...best at 4 38 am anyways...

the second icon is sumthin which i thought wws cute..so i jus put it up..kinda v random, but ths very me, aint it?



after all that crap from the last post,,a lil worse was to follow,,,the french embassy asked me to come back again, mi aunt screamed at me for not listening to her to come down and eat when i had mi headphones in mi ears and i was lsnnin to mi eco lecture online,had a fight with pat cuz i teased him about bein a 'wife-y' cuz he did too mani household chores and he got pissed abt that.........but then we made it up and apologized, we'd both been edgy tht day.... and there waso other lil crap....bt jus when i thought i cud take it no more.....it started to look up.. not a guy's IT lookin up u idiots,,life i mean...

well we went to the beach a coupla times...and saw the sunset..and shopping...then i watched a 'walk to remember' all over again..cried....talked to rima and armie....missed em.....after the whole french embassy fiasco, i cried again...watched 'daddy's lil girl' by frankie J a voupla times..and cried......had lunch with ez and his frnd one day..wanst as awkward as i thought it wud be...had a long long chat with him too bout his new crush...helped out his frnd tommy get over his breakup with melissa with a serious lecture on 'to chase or not to chase''....always theyre faithful frnd aren't i...

.then spent the whole day with patrick..and it felt soooooooooooooooooo gooood....it shudnt...but it did..because for once, he wasn runnin away frm me.ther was no awkwardness like there had been..jus bein happy and laughin and doin things for each other..like walkin to class or waitin in line to buy candy floss..i told him to lighten up and move on and all..and today after i dunno how long, he mentioned me in his blog..and well, yeh it felt good,.......... it shudn ,..... but it does....and im workin on how to let it not make me feel tooo happy,,cuz itll b over v soon.....
ps- frm blog, the thing in vietnamese prolli means relax...thts whut i said..kinda like let it go i think....lolz.....and yeh it was jus a lil annoyin wen he said 'teenager'lolz.....bt thts aite......read on...

On Friday, I was so stress-out and could not do anything. Fareeda told me to "ăn chơi nhảy múa" for 2 days. And, I did. Nothing was in my mind and I had so much fun with my friends.

It was excellent timing that a "5-year no see" friend, Bảo Nguyên, was in town to visit Vancouver.

Yesterday night, we hang out at Điền's new apartment, meeting Tùng cap and Yến. cap Tùng "cày" 2 jobs (over 80 hours this week) but still came and drank with us until 3 am. What a guy !!! ( he did look down on anh Lương's 60 hours a week )

Hmmm.... What troubles me is that I turn to a teenager for wisdom. Fareeda has been right about things, a lot of things. I hate it when a girl is right. Ha ha..



so thts tht then...and ......tht night on mi request mi uncle gav me a drive of downtown at round 10pm..mi first trip donwotan at night....it was GORGEOUS.....when they say u can onli tell a city's character at night, tht's SO TRUE..vancouver by night was charmingggggg and romantic,,,,,like all the lights frm the stars had come down.....i saw many groups of teeens hanging out and laughing..and i missed u guys even moreeee....
next day wee went to see the annual grand finale of the fireworks competition by the beach..it was 10 in the night and pitch black...from wher we were sittin, we had the mountains accross the sea from us, and tiny lil lights glittered in the dark,,like heaven had come down to earth....on the right the beach curved far far away towards downtown..and u cud see all the high rise buildings illuminated in an explosion of golden pinpricks...it was breath-taking,,to say the least..the firworks erupted close to the downtown side, so we saw it at an angle...but MI GOD..they were beautifullllllll....tiny lil red stars shooting up to form balls of green and gold stars and come crashing down in showers of silver and blue..it was an international compeition, so the fireworks were AH-MAZIN....i think china did the best ones.....i ws stunned in to oblivion..haha..kept thinking how awesome itd be if u cud be inside those balls of fire and hav all that golden light around u....
anyways, so between playin round the beach and the fireworks and pat and ez all..i felt happy..evn tho the embassy thing is a disaster and i still hav to go downtown coupla times and shoppin and finals are 2 days away,,i feel the weight in my heart is gone....i cn put up with alll this crap frm as close to a fresh start tht i can......and tht feels gud....

and ofccourse the onli people who got me here are those loyal lil frnds sittin overseas worryin and caring for me...and right now, tht means more than any thing else....

and hm..well during my 'dark and dim' phase a while back....haha, yeh its melodamatic i knw...i wrote a coupla poems..theyre harsh and gloomy , but yeh...its aite..i wanted to put one down here tho....here goes...........

Wear my cloak
feel this Dark
this Void

Yes ,there's Light
Glowing dustmites
Apprehensive, Distant

I watch it
Indifferent, behind
My thick glass Wall

Misted over and over
By wet, shaky
Breaths.

well dustmites are those tiny lil golden things u see floating in the sunshine when it enters ur window.....tiny lil speckles of dust..hmm...well yeh so thts the poem..nuthin amazin and absolute BS bt thts how id been feeling..i was trapped and hiding behiind mi mask and i cud SEE the happiness and the light-heartedness but i cudn reach it...bt now,im comin out a lil...let me end this blog by the sentence tht'll make it into '100 most delomratic sentences eevr uttered':-
im healing miself again......lolz

thts all mi crap for noww....
see u guysssssssssssssssss
love u loads aite..dnt forget,,,,,,,

me me me