examination time.

do unto others as u wud have them do unto u..
or sumthing.

its self examination time, yeh babay!!!

over the past few days- various people hav been telling stuff about me- bad stuff- tht i didnt know. maybe its time i lookie at miself up closely nd make out mi own faults.. and sum other thngs bout me tht i mayb need to change.

sumone once told me u dont become a weaker person for accepting ur mistakes- ur stronger for it.
it sounds damn hard, bt ima do it, cept i dunt think ill mention who said whut, bt jus whuts been said so far and whut i fugure on mi own., theyre mixed, and in no order, and since im absolutely sure noones readin mi blog now but me- i cn write whutever the hell i want.

1- i stereotype- courtesy david choi, mi music idol. in his chat room when i said sumthin bout him bein asian and not liking math was surprising.
2-im harsh at times
3- im clingy
4-i lie at times
5-i hate miself for some things
6-i get shallow
7-im intimidated by others
8-i get mad easily when people find fault in me
9-i am defensive about miself, mi family and friends
10-i dont stand up enuf to people, when i do, i do it too much
11-im not consistent with what i believe in
12-im hypocritical about sum of mi values, i mean sum religious aspects and mi desi/paki values here.
13-im overly sensitive
14-i gossip, but dont judge- and never backstab. ever
15-im scared of letting people down
16- i try and make everyone happy- when i find ive done sumone sum wrong, it drives me insane for days.
17-i worry too much
18- i stress over the most banal things
19- i let people use me
20-i feel hypocritical that even tho i miss home, i wouldnt want to go back and live ther
21-i feel insensitive for being here when i know mi mum needs me
22-i feel like im a burden on mi dad
23-marriage and death frighten the shit out of me
24-i trust others way too easily.
25-i manipulate? mayb... need to think abt this
26-i procastinate
27-i take advantage of the fact that my aunt is nice to me
28-people who are way richer than me, or better looking, or better dressed, or more sophisticated, more talented, more intelligent intimidate me. the richer because i feel theyre comparing themselves with me- and its pity more than genuine friendship.
29-i rant way too much
30-i used to keep mi life private, and that used to eat me up- now its gettin public, i tell people stuff, nd thats scary
31-i hate being vulnerable- telling people ur secrets or ur weak spots makes u vulnerable, among other things.
32-i dont belive in love as it applies to me anymore- i dont see why anyone guy or friend, would see in me to love/like. which is why i pushed abba away,
33-i hav realli bad self esteem
34-i hate guys- not hate but they scare me. prolli cuz of bad experiences. am i over dramatising here? i dunno, or just on the defensive.
35-i hate getting a cold.
36- i hate acne
37-( i love coffee) i hate thinking im wasting my dads money on petty things like coffee and clothes
38- which is why i dread shopping now..it makes me feel horribly guilty


well thts about all i cn think of now- most of em r repeated bt oh well..theyre genuine, which is whut counts i guess..they come straight from the heart- from the gooeey part that hurts the most.
its like laying ur soul open bare- its scary, nd weird at the same time. cuz u want people to know and not know at the same time..its pretty stupid laying it out in the open in any case. which is why im going to add a number 38 now

39-im dumb

but oh well..like i said noones reading..man its 1 23 i ws supposed to work on mi english bt ive been sneezing so much and mi eyes r so blurry i dnt think ill b able to think straight. shud prolli try and get sumthing down at least.
lifes goin on....not much to write now- ill leave it at tht...will rant or write weird stuff or sumthin bout me later on..
gnight fr now,
me

revelations and running.

yeh- whut ive discovered is tht il jus write shorter posts, cuz noones readin this
bt this way wen im growin old and mouldy , hopefulli nt that mouldy- i cn come here nd rememebr when i did wht.
big accomplishment of today- im starting a new self improvement plan..HA yes me..
i went running out today in the freezing cold and the rain..obv got soaked bt honestly ive not run this madli in mi life..if i did, i wud b sporting more running medals, as it were i was always last in running..so never ran out of shame..but today i ran and ran and ran,,about 24 blocks and back....oh actualli it ws a lil more...bt oh well- yes it was exhilirating- a lil painful round the lungs and a lil tingly round the toes and calves bt i DID it..shourv and mi aunt and uncle had absolutely bet on me never being able to do it- so in ur FACE.ha..
nd second up- ever since mi dad said ive been spending too much..i actualli sat down and made a plan..i spend 2.77 dollars on llunch evy day- pizza and a drink and 2.9 on coffee. thts about 112 dollars per month.. well bye bye to all tht, mayb not coffee tho- lol..gna make home made lunchs, and eat snacks and fruits instead, and get a job too..if i do get a job ill hav more money fr lunch and stuff....hm...
dad never said abt cutting down expenses- mayb he ws too embarrased to..bt he did say make a budget and follow it..which is coming to about 320 dollars per month..lunch and grocery and stationary and pocket money included.... needs to go down

neways enuf of the boring details- ill write gain hopefulli soon abt whut happened at lisas partyyy..right now, gta study for a math midterm..eeeeeeeyuck!
lol...
luv,
me

ps- not luv me-i dunt luv me- no no, i hateee me..lovin me wud be..weird..and... arrogant and vain.i meant love u, by me... lame..random..yes..i know.

of october.

( pictures deleted due to personal reasons!_)
these pics r frm the few events tht happened in mi life this month..yes i love dramatising things, so ther...haha..the first ones frm a girls onl halooween/eid party i went too..it was a dress, nd i ws obv gypsy..i tried to get the skirt in the pic bt cudnt- bt it ws actualli quite nice- despite me hating wearing skirts...yeh im wearin short sleeves onli cuz it was an all girls party..see, innocent lil ol' me as always...
(ahaw ahaw ahaw..oxymoron)
second ones obv frm eid..mi cousin was tryna take a photo of me squashed in betweeen 2 other auntis with his own camera...yeh he's got a digital cam all of his own- one of those earliest types.....i managed to cut miself out sumhow,..from the original picture i mean..,haha.i look like SUCH an aunti..miself..........andi love the way the whole picture is focused on mi hands., cuz poor thng, mi cousins short..so obv yeh...hm..
ok fine, so i wasnt THAT squashed between them.
third- this ones to prove tht the rather expensive facial i had on eid for the first time in mi life did actualli manage to make mi skin seem clearer. which i thought ws mission impossible all on its own- bt well u guys cn b better judges.
according to mi aunt- ' ur glowing' ..tht compliment quite made up for mi sucki math midterm mark
no im not shallow..lol
mre on this later,,
tc ..luvyah alllll..u gys need t put up recent-er pics of u too..
dnt blame me fr crappy vocab tht im makin up miself- its 1 am.
missin u,
eeda
xoxo.

Blah part2.- and a lil poetry.

aite aite im not good at comin up with original blog titles- bt when ur at number 31, ur thinkin, w/e dude..noones realli readin ths neway-
ths ones bout'..nuthin much in fact..l0l.....bt it goes to prove that shinkins was right when he told me id be on the late rebels..nd i do it..dun worry im not goin round dressed in black with tattoos and piercings nd all- ive jus started slackin off..majorly- the shame .. ?
nah i jus dont worry 'bout grades like i used to.. can u imagine? me? the all-conscietious grannie who used to harass you all into studyin more..aite, not quite lyk that but heck i did care...to the extent id b like a steamin kettle 'bout to erupt from the pressure night before the actual test or exams or w/e..thngs chahngeeeeee life moves on...blam di blah. - no dont ask me wher that came from.
finished readin 'never let me go'. chilled the blood in me( which surprisingly, i do have plenty of- despite nearly evryone always askin me whther im made entirely of bones...shcrew em, go take a few more bio lessons..Ha..im bein' mean- dont worry, its onli on the net...mild as a ,,er,,lamb? talcum powder? in real life, any other given day..u know it)
armie might remmeber this- we once saw this korean movie at A-ram's place in grade 9 or 10 ish..it was called, 'my sassy girl' neways ive been tryin ever since then to catch hold of tht but cudn find it newher nd i finalli did- its available online on joox.net...nd imgettin the strangest deja vu feelin like ive already mentioned ths fact on mi blog..wuhever- jus to let u all know, it's DAMN awesome and prolli tying in with 'a walk to remmeebr' for mi favourite movvie spot...realli good, Anddddddd heres the best part- its based on reall life blogs written by ths guy called Kim Ho-sik..anyways do try nd watch it, itll crack u up and teach u a few important lessons along the way.
andddd...well nothing more is up...ther was the Terry Fox day here a while back- liek a canadian national hero.. he was a student at SFU, mi uni ( Yeahhhhhhhhhh!!!) had a car crash, got cancer and a leg amputation at 18..and decided to run across Canada for cancer awarness- raise money for charity etc.. he couldnt do it and stopped half way thru due to health complications, and passed away at age 22.... this is why they hav a Terry Fox run day every year, and obv SFU is one of the biggest sponsers of it. newaysssss,, all this crap to basicalli get to this, i was surprised at how many people turned up for it, even those superficial ones.- i wrote a poem bout this years' terry fox run. and yeh it seems a little heartless and prolli shows me in a wary, insensitive light if nothing else..bt heck we've been thru weirder crap and i knw ur not gnna sever ties with me cuz of ths..so im safe- lol..
here goes;-

their lives are pivoted round blurs of
monotonous trends, monotony of friends,
the mall their
inflamer, their extinguisher,
and of all these
unsubstantial lives,
a single day spent running
for terry fox
fulfills their
debt to humanity.
miraculously makes them
human.

well that was..er..that....hm- im gna put this other one upto- give u guys a whole dose of mi..poetic inspirations- or lack thereof-
ths one is based on how the net's become mi escape zone- i go online, talk to people abt random stuff , rant wutever..nd turn back to reality with a fake lil smile...i wrote ths round the time when id been havin a lil trouble with mi uncle- u all knw abt that....i actualli wrote it right aftr id talked for a while with this chizzat friend- bt it can apply to u guys too..
ps- thers a part abt life bein hell in ther- it AINT like tht nemore..poetry jus makes thngs seem sadder, ill explain after.

ur a stranger- emo and lame
but we're both stuck in a terrible game.
toughing it out; pretending we're fine
behind the curtains, we're hanging by a line
wound round our necks, it chokes but we
laugh and just talk about cookies
and pretzels, and silly things
we put aside our misgivings
and laugh it off, and act cool
ur the drama, im the fool
and once our silly rants are done,
turn back to reality, our masquerades begun
our smiles erased, return to hell
and crawl back inside our shell.

aite enuf bitterness ya'all...ha- yeh im highly prejudiced gainst fake ppl, as the first peom prollli said...nd highly inspired by masks and fake faces, as learnt from TS Elliot's Preludes we did in high school.- u know me..lol
no the thing is its easier to write abt anger nd hatred than happiness.- for me atleast..u cant describe the feeling a street full of red leafed trees gives u, or the squirmy thng in the pit of ur tummy when sumone gives u a compliment- or the slight weighty lil ache in ur heart when u see a grey blue sky raining down- or how u erupt into smiles when u see a small chubby chinese baby on the train laughin so hard his eyes are slits ad all u see r big pink balls of his cheeks...yeh- here i go bein mush- bt these r hapy feelings- nd i cnt make poetry of em yet...mayb i will..one day.
its not apparently impossible- this next one ( its the last one i promise!) is written by a frnd from GYLC- called dorothy wagner..as ull see, shes amazingly talented, and highly ignorant of the fact..shes beautiful too, in a very oriental way, and in a long distance relationship with a guy she met at GYLC. this poems about him loving her, and i think its a work of art.

13

I am nothing but an ordinary stone statue

Whom you endlessly try to coat with melted pure gold

(I may not be completely tangible without you

For your arms protect me from all hazards I behold)

I am not quite blessed with anything but living breath

That I attempt to bring the best out of and survive

(Yet you are there to take away those objects I dread)

Even if often unrequited, for me you strive)

I am composed of flaws, and faults, and imperfections

Splashed with tears and decked with pain, enough of which to bleed

(A stereotype of the world and all its nations

Although you do know that, you never seem to take heed)

I am a speck of dust in the face of universe

What the skies refer to as a vernacular scene

(I do not understand, you chose to be doomed and cursed

It is I you love; me with which your life shall begin

yeh shes far far better than i am- anyways, so there it is, fakeness, and daily struggles and masks and love all in one day.. Woah. talk about major emo-ness,,,ha, nah im jus a typical teen..
neways, guess im goin to end this now- got to study- the last 2 hours were spent sittin down quietly answerin mi uncle's questions- he came in for a lil chit chat cuz mi aunts not round, obv.
dont worry, he hasnt gotten physical in 3 weeks now-which is good.
nuthin much more to write- i knw u guys r dead busy with ur work ( hint hint rima nd armie if u evr read this) bt drop in a lil msg abt whuts up nd all occasionalli- it makes mi day..realli realli.
come to think, ill go and write a poem abt tht..l0l
take care all,
xoxoxo.

ta da da!

(found this cute - love makes udo weird thngs.. we change to keep em happy eh? sweet idealistic goo..but sweet nonetheless)
the ta da da is in honour of the new pic i put up..its fairly recent, bout a week back,,,and whuts freaki is tht i dnt look 18, i look 88....i look sooooooooooooooo old..yeh rimu i knw im goin 'gainst ur wnna look at the innocent farida wish, bt too bad! bwahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ( im bein evil- in honour of halloween, and due to many we-need-to-b-mean-to-get-ahead-in-life inspired speeches with ezra, mandana and coupla others.

whut hav i been upto? exploring the multi layered levels of sexuality...not mine u idiots- for mi english course..haha...u rememebr how we used to squirm in our seats when atkins told us that babies wer not infact bought in by old white geese carryin em in blankets. far from it...in fact so far, that it involved nothing to do with geese,..no geese at all, unless , iunno thers sum weird mutant human tryin it with geese...
thts too dirty a thought- lemme leave it at that.
so yeh, well we've been readin all sorts of novels for mi english class-,,, i realised tht there might b a little adult material we'd cover, and the first alarms went off when we discussed subtle sexuaity in pride and prejudice..that got a right laugh in lecture- guys will b guys. the lil ol' alarm started buzzin jus a lil more when we did a detective thriller involving 2 gay ganstahs ( happy lil fellows ,, really..very very gay..lame joke..) and pronography and two sex crazed women hittin on the detective throughout the entire novel- who ends up turnin out to b half gay himself..
by the time our prof announced we'd b doin brokeback mountain, the alarm was screechin..deafenin realli..which is why in the picture u cant see one of mi ears ( its swollen and bein attacked by these lil frankstein lookin things goin ' shit shit shit,,sorry, shite shite shite- hav u no damn respect lady, is this whut u came here for?!' and so on.
the third novel is called never let me go- by ishiguro..yup it has some sex too, bt not too graphic. Amazingggg novel tho- id completly recommend it to u guys to read.
neways, so mi next english essay basicalli discusses gay-ness and whther its a goodor bad thing, homophobia, marriage, love, hetro vs homosexuality ..so on...souund sick? yeh- to me too...
anyways- whut hav i been upto recently- eid came.. the usual excuse for desi aunties to fret over how nice ur clothes look nd wher u got them from- tho not alot of em did that here..but they DID yap on about kids, and unco-operative husbands, and recipes for food, and how so and so was being a bitch to so and so. the men did politics and religion..big surprise.
oh, and i got an admirer over eid...adorable fellow...sat me on the whole evening kissing virtualli every part of mi face he could- but had a strong inclination towards mi nose.
ha- scare u did i? he's 1 and a half years old..l000ll....adorable adorable thng,,
oh btw, next day i had a zit (read lovebite or hicky) at the bridge of the nose- all that kissin i tell u...lol
do u rememebr how anas and rt had a strange fascination with hickeys back in high school? nd anas lockin himself up with alex in the girls bathroom nd makin thse sounds..nd the taunts he got to hear from mr.shinkins...good ol'd timessssss...
oh before i go on- the post two posts below this is.... one hell of a..er....emo thing...yeh..i went a leeeeeeeeeetle over board i know - i can erase it but then , i wnna rememebr allll mi good ,mi bad, mi ugly and mi ultra pathetic i-shudve-had-a-muslce-seizure-before-writing-this-shit posts. lol...and hey dont blame me , i wrote that thing after watchin brokeback and a particularly longgggggggg day...felt like ranting- er....this blogs about ranting..it says so in the title......

movin on........lifes goin okay..mi uncles tamed down and hope he remains tht way with me (*crosses arms fingers legs eyes toes,...er...knots hair too,,just in case*)
and..hmmmmm..unis okay..i dont think i suck as much, which realli helps in the day to day confrontations with ppl ...got a coupla frnds, or honestly, got a couple people to say hey,hows ur day too before movin on.......i still meet up with ez, whos a right darling itell u...always hilarious, always fun....evryone else has moved on..no i dont care abt parick even tho for those of u tht dont know, i went to his convocation and acted camera woman all day in the frickin cold and rain and landed with a massive fever for the next 2 days..everything for a good cause...charity realli..nuthin more.
anddddddddddddddddddddd.......im in an awesomeli amazing la la la la la mood, after 4 months of claimin im depressed nd whut not, u guys shud rejoice..l0l..by giving out...er..oh, laffy taffy...which is mi biggest discovery of this summer...that, and mocha with whipping creams....aint nuffin aye mocha car n't sorlve i tell yah. lurvly thirng, lurvelyyy..
soo,,well yeh im runnin outa thngs to say,,as u might hav noticed past the second sentence...actualli thers way too much to tell but i cant b bothered....oh btw, u remmeber all thse chizzat ppl i mentioned earlier? theyre all dead and gone- bwahaha...dnt talk to noone now, cept faisal mayb now and then with an extra jaan ( kinda like darling) at the end of evry sentence....js foolin round...oh, and shourav...whose aite...i mean he's a decent person... yeh.... too bad all the good people u find are either in storybooks (not referin to guys in brokeback...i mean decent people like..oh wait, i dont mean gay peopel rnt decent..i take it back (before ezra the completly anti-homophobic comes and kills me with an ax) .....example of decent people....er,, like...,harry potter say...okay bad example, think of ur own) or theyre on the net, or friends of friends..or sumthin...ha. life is a bitch ( ANDDDDDDDDD then u marry one..thank u thank u thank u shinkins for that delightful insight..i wonder whut bar hes lying drunk in,,,im sure he makin up for those 2 alcohol-free years in libya)...
aite ive barbbled mre n enuf' ............me's off now....btw, the post little things is about ..hm, do u know, they sell these hilarious bumper stickers here to put at the back of ur cars? well i got the sayings off em, well most sayings...lame i know,, bt they are downright funny..u can google em up for more, and dear dear facebook has an application under that name...bumper stickers i mean.
thats all for now- stupid song suggestion of the day;- one republic ft timbaland- Apologize...nice nice song...
shoo-ing off- buh byeeeeeee

luvya'all..in a very lesbo way i tell u ( ima marry ya'all one day u wait and see!)
adeeda (--------> new nickname by 3 yr old girl i babysat one day)

Little Things

firstly-here's to Breast cancer research Month! YAH
I'm a girl...and im lovin' it..

I am not infantile, you stinky poopie head. This post is just for the random thngs that strike a chord with me ...and lucki for u, they have commentary with em too..SEE..i BOTHER doin; these Little things for u and u guys dont..How Mean...!
WARNING- some of these needs brains.
LoL..
enjoy.

for armie, whose been tryin so hard to work out evrything in life-

when at first u dont succeed, call it version 1.0

slogan for ultra environment friendly Canadians

Save the trees-wipe ur butt with an owl

To all my friends that like rock music.

Rock is dead.
Long live Paper and Scissors.

Alcohol and Calculus dont mix.
Dont drink and Derive.

To rima's mumu..kinda...the moo jus reminded me of mumu.
Too err is human, to moo bovine... --

(Some thing ive been doing a lot lately and you probably shouldn, which u are by reading this BS)------------------------ Procastinate Now.

One of the best ones ever;-

Practise Safe Lunch- Use a Condiment.

some thing i should have told patrick when i first met him.

ON YOUR MARK!
GET SET!
GO AWAY!

to mi hottie friends..cuz u guys are awesome,gorgeous, amazing,beautiful, bretty,
pretty girls turn heads
my girls break necks.

to discovering mi exam is actualli monday day after instead of next week monday-

Warning- dates on calendar are closer than they appear.

Whutever the followin says, Slacking still Rules!

getting on ur feet means getting off your Butt!

( this one was witty)to the weird Math Ta who screamed at me for no real reason-

Earth is Full. Go Home.

to recent lectures by family that im not healthy enuf-

if you are what you eat- im fast, cheap and easy.

to what is my real purpose in life
.
Chaos.Panic.Disorder
My work here is done.

To answering 'what's up?'

Above all else- Sky.

To something shinkins would have prolli said-

No one dies a virgin- life screws us all.

Without me, it's jus Aweso

A reply to mi post- why sucide isnt an option., and also a probably reason why my friend Aum died so young.

The more you complain- the longer God makes you live.

to My friends.. me gang.

Friends are like Bras. Close to the heart
and always there for support..
( and damn hard to find the right one! =))

to my rant. oh, and prolli to shourav too.

I feel better after i wine a little.

To Peter horban- this is wht ur philosophy class REALLI taught me.

I doubt- therefore i might be.

To all guys- reason why im single.

Better than your Ex
and Better than your Next.

To all guys, reason why Im single part 2.

My knight in shining armor turned out to be a Loser in aluminuium foil.

to immaturity and ISM...and the way Bilal said that last word.

its all fun and games till sumone gets hurt.

-then it's Hilarious.

(i wish i cud tell mi dad- and future husband)
I understand the concept of cooking and cleaning
Just not as it applies to me.

To American president.

More Trees
Less Bush.

To Red Bull adds,

TAKE REVENGE
SHIT ON A PIDGEON.

.to what dad shudve said all those times we nag him about smokin
If my smoking bothers you- Don't Breathe

well thts all mi crap for now- hope it bought even the tiniest flicker of a smile on ur face...sumtimes , thts all we need..
and u cn thank me for tht and the awesome colours i used later.
luvu ya'all
eedums.

Introspection.

hey to the ghostly net souls lurkin on vacant people's blogs..seems like noone but them r readin this anyway..
hm...i jus felt like ... a lil weird for no apparent reason so i had to write all mi crap down/..like i used to before ..i realised there was so mani lil thngs i used to write down tht i dont nemore, which is sad..nd i dnt feel like tellin rima and armie to come on here and force em to read this shit cuz theyre busy and im busy and frankly- whyd they read, and ..why shud anyone read? do i write for people to read? a lil sutthin inside gnaws at me..screamin im hurt, i need to b healed...ths isstuff u get from hollywood movies, not from mi life..... we all gotta work on our ownselves.... i understand tht maybe they cant b there for me as much as they used to be,..its been a damn long time coming.-, which doesn make it less harder... i knew it wud..the fact tht therd b a time when id b nursing mi own blues,... when ud need to remind people to make them ask u if u were okay, so u cud tell em tht mayb ur not....all we want is sumone to listen, and those used to do it for me all the time, mum and dad, r too far away for me to bother them..and the other half, mi rimu mi armie and sandra and dj, theyre all far away too...i wonder if they cry out as much as i do? am i ther for them? heaveb knows i try...i leave msgs and ask if they wnna talk..is tht enuf...
but its goin away whutever it was....i used to defy it whenevr neone told me this, when mi aunt remarked or mi mum did tht they lost touch with their high school buddies too,they all moved off and suddenly they got busy..that the thought, ill write em an email tomorow, or day after or so on stretched into weeks , months and years until they all faded from each other lives and jus lingered on as sum long lost sweet memory, more and more parts of which were always fading into nothingness......its happening to me alreaddy,----- mi memories of ISM blur, it seems like a long lost dream......a reality tht never was, an acceptance which i had that seems unreal....
i feel unaccepted now at uni, loneli..i stand out in a crowd, b it in econ or math or english or at scoials cuz im in a scarf...i dont go newher. i dont meet neone. i get intimidfated by new folk..the onli ones i hang out with r outcasts like me- its ISM grade 10 all over again... with not the bullying but the silent no this time..its more like all of em givin this vibe of whut the hell do u think u r tryin so hard to b sumone ur not? go back to the uneducated crowd of weirdos like u , ur not wanted here..and tht uneducated crowd refers to people of the MSA,
true theyre not all bad bt im too shy to find out which r the ones tht rnt bad- i feel like i aint worth them.....and theres still the typicality there tht freaks me out..the same controversies, the same u can b seen with so and so but not with so and so ,,the same lil prejudices even within the thing..i feel weird round them too, left out..mi faith not strong enuf to match theirs, neither mi rebellion...i sit on the edge and smile- occasionalli make mi witty remark and fade into the wall....the silence and the nothingness is overwhelming at times- the fact tht i can never b normal, i cn never b them drives me insane at times...even with the friends tht i hav managed to make, im always critical of miself, always judgin ..i dont dress as cool and expensive as them, i look weird and unsophisticated in my manners and mi speech .. which makes me get tongue tied often , run out of things to say...or get over zealous, talk fast to get as ,uch out to mayb say sumthin right in the process which wont scare em off..which obv is the undoing of it all.
ths is leadin me to cling onto those people tht accepted me when i didn care abt how others thought of me- nd thers onli one person like tht- ezra....i feel sumtimes im too clingy- he never complains..he always turns up when i wanna meet up for lunch . makes time out to talk, to share.. we dnt laugh as much, bt its gud noonethe less..i feel like justifying miself to him each time, tryin hard to b the incredible person so he doesn walk off..
i guess i shud mention biancas part here..even if jus for the sake of those ghosts tht're reading..bianca ignored me once in the hall, but i thought tht was mayb due to her not seeing me,as weak a theory as tht sounds as the hall was quite empty..nevertheless she saw me on the bus sum days later, and sat as far away frm me as possible- i blamed ths to her not having seen me again evn tho i was at the back raised end of the bus, which is higher than the first half and is most visible when u first enter the bus.....neways when the bus did stop, she got out , and rushed right past me...... at a point she was onli centimetres away frm wher i was..i had been rushing too so tht either one of us wud get ahead without noticing the other, to alteast keep the pretntion tht we ddin see each other..bt then the aisle was too narrow, nd we were neck and neck.i gave up, stopped to say hie bt she rushed right on, like she'd never heard mi feeble hie, never seen the bewilderment on mi face.
perhaps this, among other incidents, made my thinking worse.. monica not bein as enthusiastic to see me afterwards, alot of ppl frm the previous semester forgettin me or perhaps ignorin me..ezra keeps sayin tht this is normal custom here, bt its hard to belive tht..i guess im jus new.
so there is me- nd im slowli coming to terms with this...im lonely bt i dnt let tht get me down. . not as much as before....it aches badly at times, bt most times its okay......
i console miself thinking if i was a so called 'normal' person, mayb i wudn b friends with me either..cuz the me they might see acts all nerdy and clumsy ....which goes to show how shallow i realli am, if i wudn b friends with me , who will? which is why i shudn judge others..mayb..
ive given up the whole dating/crush thng too..when we were younger we loved havin small crushes on guys and thinking up these half baked incidenes wher theyd be madly in love with us too, nd we'd start dating and itd b bliss...jus the companionship nd knowin sumone thought u were good and beautiful.....
.but now , i know if i was a guy, i wudnt date me either...who am i fooling, thers plenty to choose from.... and we're all lookin for perfection, rnt we? who'd b frnds, let alone date, sumone as messed up i am? sumone whose so far lost , theyre dull and boring

i feel like nuthing..a face in the crowd. i hav no real talent, which is whut is important to people here..sumthing u can impress them with....mi biggest 'talent' is tht ive travelled alot. apparently.

i obv dont tell all this to people, cuz one- i wud seem like a seriousli psychilogicalli disturbed ( aka mental), attention seekin prat of a person when im not that......they already think tht girls in scarves r weird nd restricted..i dont want to tell them abt how i feel and how i think and justify tht more- give them one more reason to move away...second, i dont want them, as in mi friends mostly, to tell me to shut up, its lies.. sumone will fall in luv , things will turn round..cuz its wont...i know it as clear as day..its not pessimism, its realism....yeh its frustating, knowin tht theyll never care....i talk to guys, i hav quite a few guy friends now- bt they all say the same thng- hook me up with a coupla ur frnds? ur goin to a party? gemme sum numbers! theyd meet mi cool lookin friends and say, i cant imagine u hav such hot friends..yeh surprises u doesn it? an ugly nerd with a pretty lil friend... so on..nd i knw theyre not referrin to me, im jus the nice lil bussy whse good to talk to......nd i used to get hurt by this, and in a way i still do...is it envy? jealousy? pride? shallowness...i dunno... bt like i said now, im bein realistic.... im closing off mi dreams, of evryhthing........
.mi utopia is goin to the lil place in the back of mi mind where i keep all those other unrealistic happy memories of me which i knw are innocent and naive ad foolish..bt happy all the same.
the dreams abt price charmin..fallin in luv,, leadin mi love with a guy who loved me and i loved back, not sum handpicked idiot i had to clean after and worship...thts way too much in the future,.........for now, jus bein gud and happy and popular without bein shallow......not caring whut people think, knowing people didn care abt how i looked or acted or wher i was frm or mi colour or race or religion..but they do.......does wanting all tht i do mean ur shallow? i dnt wnna b that i jus want back whut i had..at sjc, at ism....it was acceptance mayb....confidence...
.. i nevr had to hang mi head down, always met everyone in the eye, helped people out, there for the extra hug, to wipe a tear..now i think im jus an embarrasment to whoever im in contact with- which explains why i stay away frm people...particularly, good lookin, or clever or confident people....

yeh.....people want normality, we're always , even unconsciousli, attracted to those who are confident and funny and hav great lives.....a memory clicks in mi head..thats how i used to be too...when it didnt matter how i looked cuz it was normal then...now i care,. mountain out of molehill but i do.....ph wellm i think im havin an off day cuz usualli its not tht bad.....bt i feel im losing all of me slowly..days wher im not confident at all, i need to check the mirror over and over again to make sure i dont look like those people on streets tht look like they jus came out of villages....i look decent, hair tucked in , lips not too chapped, eyeliner not smeared down mi cheeks, pen marks not on mi chin, smell nice ,shirt stretched decent, tummy in, jacket in order,......im vain? mayb..am i shallow? probabli.. am i jus bein girly...more thn prlli..i hate it..i wnna not care..i wnna throw clothes on me in the mornin nd knw it doesn matter cuz i look fine...i dont hav to dress up nd spend an hour thinkin abt whut to wear tht wont look odd...im so materialistic, and i rant about girls who wear designer brands...cud i b learnin how to understand them..how ironic..they taught me mi own lesson....., im scared im letting them down more than anything, im scared people dont want to b friends with me cuz theyre embarrased to b caught in public with me. newaysssssss....ive ranted enuf for today..not tht neone will notice whther its paragraphs oor jus a period.
in any case, this was mi truth..laid bare...it makes me vulnerable, i hate being this open, i like it too.......but mi head hurts now..ill return to watchin brokeback mountain for mi english class,, and continue this later..who cares neways eh..i posted 50 new pics of mi new life in canada on our class website, no sign anyone noticed yet.
im bein overli sentimental again..bt like One Republic says in one pf the greatest songs ive hrd- its too late to apologize.
im me..sadly...ill jus work on tht..