.

You are the reason I keep trying to be normal again,

and You don't even know it.

Thank you

Also, check out this link,

http://www.theforgivenessproject.com

Maybe its time i did too.

-eeda

.

Lonely creature by the bar, blue shot glass, crystal vodka,... swimming mascara and empty eyes, the remnants of his goodbye..

The walls are oddly luminiscent, silver chandelier painted onto blood red, ceiling floor corner red. She gives herself up to the noise and the exhilaration, oblivious to the wandering hands around her waist, the stranger casually caressing her hair. It is about the lights tonight, not him. Just the lights.

The silver bursts like a twitching electric eel in aquamarine darkness. There is silence in this cacophony, depth in the materialistic shallowness. She passes from the arms of one into another, lightly held as if even they can sense her fragility.

'I can tell, you are having a bad night love'

The best night ever, actually. The oblivion, the drunkness, the hysteria subdued in the chaos, the cold night. Dark enough to obliterate everything, save one. Her thoughts find him, even in the daze. His face shimmers like a seraph.

Come home to me jaan.

She spins like a ballerina, a whirlwind before the Eyes. Spins, unravelling her dark secrets in strips of crimson cloth memories nightmares silently cried out. Silent.

find a way home find a way home find a way like a mantra. They are bewitched hypnotic by her fear her grief and her fire. They burn with her, scorched, screaming, and yet healed by her hysteria, convinced that to annihilate the soul is to find peace.

somewhere in the distance, he waits.

Annihilate. Spin.  Her feet chiseling grooves like twisted black pens ferociously carving out the history of her ruin. Catharsis. She burns on that floor leaving ashy footprints of soul she twists and envelops everyone everything inside her and together, they shatter into nothingness. Broken naked lost.

Yet

finally at peace.

Finally a way home, to him.

-She forever knows that when she does turn up at his doorstep midnight blue, carrying her pieces in burnt open palms, he will kiss the ashes to crimson soulsongs. He will kiss the ashes away-

this one, like everything else, was for u MD.

-eeda

Sonnet XVII:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. -Pablo Neruda

there is enough heartache in me, just enough
to keep together just enough
to not fall apart.


i read somewhere that if my soul was intact, my core
unmoved, i could heal myself.

i am too far gone. i dont even know
where my core is, just a faint sepia memory
bronze haze in waking dreams.


i have it all twisted, shattered. i
knowingly crushed everything to
smithereens, hoping
to find cure
in the liberating
annihilation.

i have only lost myself further.
i don't even recognize this two-faced
monster i have
become.

i am being sold
sold to honeyed words and
convictions of others morality
not my own.


where am I?

is it too late?


i want to will myself to change, will myself
to turn the hurt to scabs, and not open stinging
wounds i keep picking at.
no wonder it doesn't heal.


begin at the begginning, they said.
i will
bandage, nurture,
coax the soul to revive
again. fix
faith hearts i blindly
crushed, return
to my essential
essence. i
who could do no harm
never wavered
always stayed pure
true.


i refuse to have found defeat.


i need to do this for myself, for them and for
him. but mostly
for myself.
i just wish the selfishness would prevail
long enough
for me to actually convince
my own self.







/