Rollercoaster rides

Empty parking lots at 2am, panicked drives down main roads and voices voices voices
Voices from a dream voices whispering relief.

.......

A distraught father blocks my car, peers through my window. 2 am. "I'm sorry, I thought you were my daughters friend. I was going to call 911 on you, I'm so sorry"
Wandering souls in empty spaces, destroyed by selfish love, blood.
We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.

........

Words. Easier to imagine there's no face behind the voice, no beating heart beating in tune to yours. Easier to disconnect disassociate, than to cave in and surrender. Restraint becomes harder, cooks up misguided vitriol, spewed in guilt and shame. Yes I like this. Yes I need this. Yes. But not you.

........

Straining restraining bonds of leather love cut equally deep in soft skin. "How are your fingers so soft?" Some fresh bruises, raw, scab hard, some scab soft.

............

Vodka kisses, this
Is familiar, unwanted and
Wanted (when sober). Have
Your way with me, my life
How much of this is grief how
Much
An agenda for self
Annihilation

............

Neck shoulder back whispers whimpers spirals.
My lips are raw I bite
Down hard to keep this inside. Where to begin
Unravel
Ling.

............

There's so much more I want to write but I can't make sense of it amidst the noise in my head turmoil in heart guiltily remembering words that make my happy and yet break me apart. Senselessly spinning in circles, I'm always dizzy all the time but
Keeping perfectly still.

.........

-f

Haven't felt so shook up in a long time. Maybe ever.
What kind of sorcery is this?
The jaded cynical me says it could be lies but. Rationally?

Bizarre.

the most difficult thing is disentangling reality from fantastical romance.
there's been no roses. there was no proposal on one knee.
things are not how u imagine them in romance movies...the love is there, but in ways you wouldn't expect, and ways you can't see.
the difficulty is letting go of grudges about expectations, and to learn to love the other in the way they love you, not in the way you love them....which quite often are very distinct from each other.

a lesson in time.

unfurl your wings, unleash
the embers burning in your heart, in your
soul. April
showers draw near, and the ram
paws the ground, charged
passion, fury, roaring
rage; seeking redemption
release
of the lost, burnt, charred
pieces of soul.
This phoenix spring

Begin

So hungry for love and yet
So unable to get it.

No matter how hard I try.

longing

aspirations.

voice over the shoulder, breeze below the wrist, touch on the arm, face next to cheek.
dreams.

i smell the sea salt in the shaker, the sea salt in the turquoise of the sea. i am gulping breaths of seaweed and salt and the sky and the golden sun, on the green hill, rolling towards the sand. the scene is imprinted behind my eyelids, alternate universes tattooed in the crevices we don't see but can't unsee. spaces between the fingers, pink under the nails, the flesh inside the elbow, the yellow of the inner arm.

hiraeth.

i am in longing for somethingsomeone of which i know not. running in my sleep, weary when awake, question marks in my soul.

poetic torment always inspired by a want so powerful it becomes need, wrings your soul and leaves you wanting, like sex, like food, like air. gasp,
fill your lungs and your toes with salt.

salt in my tears, salt in my tea, salt on my tongue, salt of the sea.

he was sitting on the edge of the white headboard and as i leaned against it, my head nuzzled his left knee. his hand toyed with loose tendrils behind my right ear as i typed into my laptop, fresh white sunlight gently grazing through the window.

.....................

the scene shifts. we are walking on the pavement near the Mediterranean in Regatta. His hand is in the small of my back, guiding me down. I blink and I'm at the hospital corridor in LI. Mom's in the ICU. Blink and again by the sea.
His hand rubs my back, grabs my right arm preventing me from collapsing.
About my height, maybe an inch taller. messy black hair. round face with a pointed sharp jawline. goofy side smile usually but now, pursed lips.

......................

he shows me a black car. is it red? hazy, i can't recall. it's his car, his ex is selling. his eyes are red.
.....................

Blink
........................

A few months ago, he had waited by the dark stormy sea in his black leather jacket.
Grinning, smugly. Private joke he had made of me. All i knew was I had to get to him and I couldn't.
Hands in the pockets of  the jeans, swaying with the breeze. Alone by the edge of the rock. Smiling.

.......................

Why am I  having these dreams?

I cannot and will not let the anxiety get the better of me. I will not let the doubt gnaw at me.

we think we are mountains of strength, moving with self-assurance between office corridors, head held up high on the street, conviction with which our feet pound the gravel, urban warriors, war-painted, shoulders back and pride in every step.

hold your fingers up to the sun and see your fingertips glow pink. nailbeds orange. our very fibers so translucent, a burning star millions of light-years away can illuminate right through the fragile tissues that make up, you.

so fragile, and yet so self-assured.
does it not make you fearful?
have you no fear?

what makes up your mountain that makes you so?

mountain my heart,
rocks where my soul used to be

kedi ag nal rab ne banaya?

#thingstonotforget

AD: 

you've got a gift. don't lose it

in fact

don't lose that part of you

eeda:  

it gets buried down after days and days of shi*. its been a lot of those kinda days.

i dont even know where to start now

AD:

no matter how much shitty days and how many days, there's always the person in you inside crying to be free. i just dont want that person to be silenced like that. i do believe that bringing back that eeda will help a lot

eeda:

ur right. i thought it was easier to silence her entirely than to listen to anything she had to say.

it made things more manageable when you have one less voice to cater to.

AD: 

in my opinion, there are other voices you can silence instead of her voice. like the voice that tells you this is all neverending, or the one that tells you nothing's going to get better, or the one that stops you from traveling or shopping or doing other things you like

eeda:

ive honestly never thought about it like that