so.
guys.
sorry, i had to make this blog private in a hurry becauseeee...i was going thru my stalker feed (lol) and i have a feeling one location shown was my aunt because...well long story.. but i have a strong feeling its her..SO for a few days im gnna be in hiding...untill i feel it safe to un-private it..lol
in the meantime, if anyone u knw wants permission to read it, lemme know. :)
i onli added those people who email adds i had ...

all for now,
tc
eeda

eeeeeeeeeeyaaaaaaah..
emo.
<3

and o, since this other blogger started this whole riddly thing..
here's a riddle from me.

Myles #1 nosnahc 12/5/'84 (Wds 73-84) Brockman.

ooh, and the answer is perfectly google-able.
and...whoever figures it out gets...er.....classified information abt what goes on inside my head regarding classified people in my life.
woohoo
AHAnnn..that's quite the honor it is.
u can kiss my feet now.
not.

(not cuz its gross but cuz im tickly.)
:P

righto O.o

all fer now then,
xo
-eeda.

.


there are few things that i KNOW i want from life. very few things.
like, hot chocolates. and back massages. and hot showers.
moments where you're just ..blissfully Still


i was talking to him about it a while ago. having these moments of absolute clarity. moments where all the clatter babble shouting screaming yelling noise in ur head just goes
Hussssshhhhhhhhhhhh....

he said he had them in intense poker matches. on rides back from work with the music blaring out high.

i have mine with. standing in the rain. bright red and dusty copper trees. kids' toothy smiles.
nights at the riverside.


it's like finding something that's just a little more riotous, a little more turbulent,
than you.
something so exquisitely beautiful it makes
all the flaws, all the imperfections in the world fade
and weave themselves within the night sky, shimmer like stars in your eyes.


maybe that's what stars are.
broken, flawed pieces of the world that we fling away as far away from us as we can.
and then we gaze at the destruction in silence and
awe.
at the beauty of those perfect imperfections
those million silvery flaws that pierce the sky and pierce the heart and leave you with a painfully beautiful calm inside.

so very peaceful.


it's funny how these stars, despite flawed and broken and shattered,
still look so perfect in the sky.
when we wish on them, it's not really wishing on the stars. its for
that feeling that feeling that feeling that broken hope feeling.


maybe a star is just as broken as the heart in me,
but just as hopeful.


What becomes of a dream deferred
that never makes it to the world to be seen or heard
Do it breathe? Do it got a heartbeat? Is it alive?
Do it leave, only to become a star in the sky?
-from 'Everything Man' by Talib Kweli.


enough emo?!

...................................

so.
in conclusion.
point was.
i live for these moments of stillness.


like the one at the riverside yesterday night. just watching the river stretch away like a big oily black ribbon shining like a million broken pieces of glass glued together, fade into the night, blacker than black, blacker than the insides of a cat.
it was beautiful.

yeah.
enough food for thought for today.

and o, to crack,
ur email DID make me smile. =)
e(moan)ness kay bachay.
:P

more later,
xo
-eeda.

<3



haey.
inna sharaaaa cutesy <3

somebody needs to take the cheeni away from eeda now.

to be loved.
i do love, but i'm not in love.
Gunther i think im beginning to see ur distinction.

which results in me thinking+complex i.am.concentrating.hard.on.this face*
*not to be confused with the i.am.constipating.hard. facial expression.

kudos to whoever got that.

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
-Wonderwall, by Oasis.

u remember this song, don't u? it was playing at that party u called me from a while back, so loud that it drowned it both our voices until all i heard was the song growing screaming tearing booming rushing in through the speakers through the wires through the phone into my ear into my mind into my blood surging,rushing,pulsating throbbing until all was numb and quiet and still and peaceful and u.
u were lost in awe as much as i was.

on a different note, i got my passport back. haven't gotten a chance to pick it up and see if they granted me the visa or they still think my apparent fobness is too disgusting to grant me an entry back into their lame arse country.

either way, i get to see family in decemebr! Yerrrrrrrrs!
buttttt
(and there always is a butt isnt there? dont hate if i have a fascination for big round juicy rear...er..
ima shush now
and no i dont have any such fascinations.)
sorry chun chun :P


but so, the issue is that there's TOO many issues to deal with.
i think thts why ive been avoiding talking to dad lately.
he reminds me of all the stuff i have to do, and then he spends the next 1 hour cross analyzing my voice to see how unhappy i sound.

hm.
i feel like my days are like tar. thick and black and tiring and impossible to wade through.

but on the bright side, there's alot more red trees around.
and it's been raining.
:D

i need sleep.
and i need to type out the 101 blog ideas tht've been zoomin aroung my brain.
like snitches. they were called snitches weren't they? the flying golden hairy potty balls?

balls.
AAAAAAAHhahahahahahha
that's hilariously lame, even for me.

yeah.
hokay.
bed.
NOW.

xo
-eeds.

so.
i hear Golf got engaged.
that explains the whole 'lemme ignore u now' bit.
but iz okay. i already know how he is, how his discussions ae always intense, how he can be narcisstic, how he can be emo, how he thinks there's some greater plan, how he thinks we're only in someone else's life to fulfill our purpose.
i already know where he wants to stay after they get married, what he wants from her, from his family, whose side he's gnna take if his mum and wife fight, whose side he expects her to take when him and his family fight.
i already know where he works, and whut he works, and what he adores after work.
i already know his favorite cars, his favourite place to go drag racing, his favourite meals, and just how he likes to have it.
i already know when he's gonna have kids, and how many, and what he's gnna name them.

so
i already know. and things which you already know that well,
lose their charm.

but i'll be lying if i didn't admit that it didn't sting. for a little bit.
but not out of jealousy; more so the fact that i know the reason why he started gettin distant all those months back, and then faded out of sight altogether. it wasn't really the job, was it?

but seriously though, as happy as i am for him,
I feel just a little sympathetic for the poor girl, whoever she is.
he's completely twisted up in the head and it's gnna mean some real tough times for her.
but hopefully, theyre gnna be good and peaceful and true to each other and live happily ever after.
The End.

'Those are pearls that were his eyes'
-from The Tempest.

pearls falling from the sky like piercing arrows
pearls whispering softly against milky throats
pearls hard to find
pearls in aquamarine oyster shells
pearls that scatter over chipped marble floors
pearls that hide at the corner of eyes wide
pearls for the blind
pearls strung through tangled auburn hair
pearls in transparent glass bells
pearls like crushed sand on a silver beach
pearls in a spirited rhythm
pearls of quiet wisdom

eeda, think think think before you speak
and stop being so defensive all the time.
people are just trying to help.


my pearl for the day.
xo
-eeda :)

ps. any other pearls anyone?
photo credits-miss pearls by ~digikitten.

so i went to this Elementary School today to pick up my cousin.
i was looking at the bright little paintings, and the tiny bookshelves, and the even tinier little shoes worn by even tinier feet. i looked at the gaggle of bobbing kids, laughing, smiling, twinkling.
i thought of how 10 years from now i'm gnna have my own little kid there. a little girl wth pitch black hair, wavy, tied up in a high ponytail. she'd probably be sanwali like me, and id want her to have my eyes. but not my smile, i have a tight lipped smile.id want her to have a big toothy smile which would light up her face.
and id want her to have tiny feet too.
and id want her to be own little girl.

i thought of that for a while. standing there, leaning against the bright coloured walls.
it made me smile.

then it made me scared. and sad.
almost nostalgic.
like losing a life i never even had.


that thought hit me a little too hard.
of all that i have to gain.
and of all that i can lose.

emoness.
-eeda.

Whitey- when she was alive i couldn't get a word in edge-wise.Now i come to visit her, talk to her, tell her about things.
-OTH 105.

make it easy for ur parents eeda. talk to them while they can still listen and you can still talk.
and maybe more importantly, listen to them while they can still talk.

and then i looked down to my arm where i had our initials.
the faint lines already looked faded away.

so i let go?




khala- eeda one more shock, and ur mother won't survive.
i hate guilt-trips.

a dream a dream a dream...
...split at the seams

i HATE complicated and annoyingly long Word Verifications on comments.

it's like u try to post a simple comment and u have the entire FBI on ur tail wanting complicated identification and driver's license and birth fecking certificate.
jeesh.
next they'll need fingerprint scanning and hair follicle d.n.a

Happiness doesn't come cheap.
Hell if it did we'd all be smiling.

-OTH 104.

im deleting old text messages from my old phone,'cuz i need to hand the phone in.
these 115 saved texts combined together to make the better parts of me. they're there for a reason.
deleting them is like ripping apart pieces of me one by one.

so.
i think ive ignored this little piece here long enough.
Heeeloo again bloggie. me mithed u *hug*

so yeah for those of u who don't know, khala told mum, mum freaked out, mi brother calmed her down, then he did a little scheming where he got me to type out everything to him as it was and had AMMI reading the entire time without me knowing.
it was a risk but it worked because she heard mi side of the story very very honestly, so she calmed down but that doesn't mean i wasn' spared of the typical brown dialogues. ' tum nay mera itemad, humari larkeeyan, khandan ki izzat, pasand kee shadeeyan, itna bara sadma, unjaan mard...'
blah blah the works.
in short her ultimatum was he send a risht or i break all contact. i decided to stick to the latter, or to just have her believe it.
then, one of our convos gets recorded on his phone, his mum hears it, and she INSISTS that we get married ASAP, because apparently she loves me and she thinks im the angel sent to fix up her son.

yeh. hokay.

it seems liek the Undercover Aunties Investigation Bureau consisting of khala and his mum have FINALLY decided on a decision they both agree on,( but him and me don't ) :- get these two married, or well on that way, Asap!
weirdos.

and then last night (emo smile) he turned into a big pile of mush and..yeh..mushy convo followed.
*audience says awwwwww*
but he insists on gettin his mum to talk to my khala so they dont think we're mucking round and it's a little more 'exclusive'.
O.o
and hm..OH, he might come see me in Jan.
*squeaaaaal*

okay. so giddyness aside. life is good, as of right now anyways. ammi's a little upset and she's acting awkward,...i knew it'd happen, i knew she'd get weird and sick..
this isn't selfish is it? it's not.
mi bro's looking after her though. so its good.
u know whut mi brother said to me when he found out? he goes..
'im glad to know ur not so perfect after all.'

yeah.im glad this little incident just, dunno..brought us so much closer. he said he'd look after mum and i needn't worry.he advised me.HIM. being younger and everything.
but it felt good.

i feel giddy like......remember how when we were kids and we'd swivel around in chairs going around and around in circles till our heads hurt and it felt like our food would defy gravity and come all out but we still couldn't get enough?
it'd make u nauseous and sick, but u liked the feeling, u loved the adrenaline, u wanted more.
that's how i feel.

khala's in laws are coming to visit tomorrow, aka my uncle's brother and his wife. they're family too so it isn't Tooo weird, except for the fact that my aunt and mum combined have come up with a list of commandments for me to adhere to:-
1. thou shalt get up at 9 am everyday
2.thou shalt be appropriately dressed ( read as 'piled under brown clothes') at all times.
*sub clause. clothes bust be clean, ironed, perfumed*
3.thou shalt be ready and available for help, over-enthusiastically so, especially in the kitchen.
4.thou shalt cook, and it SHALT be good.
5.thou shalt be the epitomy of tameez and saleeka. (who are those anyway?)
6.thou shalt uphold the name of the entire khandan.

oh, but dont stress about it too much.

hmm..so life goes on.
yeh. i really shud stop rambling and go study for mi psyc midterm tomorrow. after which i need to clean the entire house, kitchens,bedrooms,bathrooms,..
duty calls Cinderella.
more later,
(correction.
more Enlightening stuff later
hopefully.)

xo
-eeda.

who would've thought that my 16 year old brother would save me?
he has quite the brains.
i'm very proud of him.


i love my jamun.
this one's for you bro.
i owe you one (hundred and twenty four million gazellion)

hanso jeeyo mukurao..
kia pata, kal mein hoon na hoon.

If a jock strap is a Lower Decker pecker checker,
And a roll of toilet tissue is a Super duper doody pooper scooper,
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

:D
-eeda

Spiral.


/ˈspaɪrəl/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[spahy-ruhl] Pronunciation Key –noun

running continuously around a fixed point or center while constantly receding from or approaching it; coiling in a single plane.

yes i changed the title.
frankly, random rantings, or any variation of that, was WAY too immature.
i always wanted to change it but never got round to it.
not that idyllic illusions is any more thought-provoking either but eh...
suggestions are always welcome and encouraged.

on that note,
khala has no sense of tact.
i think it must be one of those runs-through-the-family thing.
she knows friday nights are my happiest, chirpiest, hyper-est
and she OBV has to bring up the whole, one of these days i gtta sit down and talk to ur mum about u..
to 'uphold the sister trust'
me-u do realize that ur destryoing my entire family's peace of mind by doing so?
her-i don't care, u shud've thought of that.

hm. maybe she's right.
maybe i should stop thinking about 'upholding the peace in everyone's family'
especially hers.
maybe i shud just tell her about khalu. keep her a little occupied with that little piece of info and see if she has time or energy left to meddle in mine.

yeh khala im sorry if im not the kind of person u are. im sorry if i put people's happiness BEFORE things like 'doing the right thing'. im sorry that its more important to me that YOU remain happy with ur piece of shit husband rather than me highlight to u his faults and his flaws like he sits and highlights mine every.single.night.
im sorry if i care about you more than you care about me.

breathe it out eeds. breatheeee...

hmm...ii got my wake-up, be yourself wake-up call yesterday when i was talking to Gunther. it was much needed. (thank u.)

promptly went to my favorite spot in uni afterwards. sat on the highest steps with the uni pond at the back, the snowcapped moutains and valleys and the Fraser river to the right, the uni draped in red and blue for convocation at the front, and to the left.. a string of red and orange leafed treas, with the cityline fading at the back, a silver sliver of the ocean at the edge, the moutains encircling, big grey white golden clouds,the pinky blue sky, and the wisps of cold, numbing air.

the beauty was ...piercing.

i cried. for all things beautiful. for all things perfect.

but even more so for all things imperfect, for all things flawed. for all things that, despite being imperfect and flawed, bring beauty and happiness and warmth to my life.

so.hmm..

i know, its not me. i cant remember when was the last time i cried in public. not that there was anyone around. but yesh eeda's definitely getting publicly emo, which is..Not Good. me thinks he's made me a little more human. a little Too human, than i was.

need to get ze walls back up pweez. yez yez. ze wallz all ze way back up.

get ur armour out ladies.

which is whyyyy sumhow, im not sitting here crying my eyes out just cuz she jus inserted tht needle in again. i did it last time but, not anymore. ive gotten strength from whut bhaiyyu, drug, neelo and gunther have been harping about.
stop trying to run away from the inevitable.

stop trying to make them all happy.

and god, stop.taking.the.world.on.ur.shoulders. ( yet to do)

but hm.i'll deal.
don't i always?

chalay to..kat he jaey ga..safar.
ahista..ahista..

:D
rant over.
i shall now put on my :D mask and go have a :D 'family' dinner with them.
ha. so much for family.

xo
love you luvbugs.
-eeda.

in hathon ki masti mein..?

There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of Hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
-from The Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock, by T.S Elliot




Hands.

Hands that curl and uncurl around soda cans.

Hands that hold onto bus poles, hold on like

they’re clawing, clambering, drowning,

To let slip is to let go.

Hands that

are tiny, and fit into a palm

and curl around a finger

for security, for safety, for

Comfort.

Hands

that follow like a breeze around her waistline

as he steers her around the crowd, steers her to

make her his own.

Hands

that lay twitching on lonely table tops

twitch to the beat of loneliness, to drawn out breaths

to the stranger who never comes.

Hands

that salute to power, hands

that pluck out flowers, hands

that dig graves for the brave, the old, the forgotten,

and the Cherished.

Hands

that flourish pens, pencils, praises,

Hands

that she gently raises

to the Heavens every night in prayer.

Her hands

that pray for peace, for patience, for her

Salvation.

Hands that tell stories,

the fading lines unravvelling off your palms.

the poem thingy was meant to have a happier ending but oh well.

and ws meant to have nothing to do with girls praying for salvation and all that crap.

that's just ..u knw..unconscious rhyming.

yeah.

i've always been fascinated with hands. and not just because they say the size of a guy's hands is proportional to the size of his..er..em..wee-wee?

hahahahaha..no i like drawing hands. think its..beautiful...

no, that doesn NOT mean i like drawing a guy's..well u know whut i mean

think ima shush, im just digging my own grave right now.

yeh.

and im sorry the format of this blog is off, cant fix it.

no more hand-ing now.

more later, on hands and things u can do with hands,

(like bake cakes...whut were U thinking u pervs? aaaaahan dont deny it i KNOW u thunk it.

and thunk is a word cuz I said so.)

lol.love,

xo

-eeda.

ps: photo credits Hands, by Enslavedbymetal from deviantart.com

u called and ur..normal.

i dont know if i should be happy or mad?
happy that we're still friends? happy that nothing will change?happy that u sound happy?
or
mad that ur not upset?mad that you called this late?mad that i can't find a reason to hate you? mad that i can't get so angry and so pissed that every emotion fizzles out?


why r u so okay with everything?
what does it mean?
r we back to normal?
no? yes?
confusionment.

did i blow the horn on this a little too early?
*embarrassment*

to my blogger friends.
chun chun,marina,neeli,and gunther.
u have made it, SO much easier.
the comments,and the e-hugs, and the entire blog in my name *hint gunther*
it means a lot.
like, i-dont-have-enough-words-for-it alot.
thank you.
SO much.

crash.

today i write of death and dying.
today i write

of broken dreams and allusions
of glass castles shattering into minuscule shards
of crystal chandeliers exploding like knives into brilliant white light
obliterate obliterate
obliterate me from memory

today i write elegies of you
of the beautifully trivial
the beautifully mundane.

i write of nostalgia
i write of the going and the gone.

today i write
i write an obituary
of us.

today
i write

i write The End.

aye mausam rangeelay suhanay
jeeya nahee manay
tu chuti le ke aja balema...

So.
whats with everyone quoting old indian songs on their blogs..
return to Fobism?

my mum and dad used to sing that song, with the windows wide open, when it'd be raining.
yes embarrassing i know.
but i still miss it, the closest thing khala and khalu ever got too was..hm..
hm...
ba ba black sheep? to moiz? if that.

i called up my entire khandan and their grandmas today. the ones that live in North America anyways , to wish em happy eid and all. no compssionate im not, it was more so to stop my mum from nagging me to keep in touch with them.
but what was funny is how the format of the conversation was the same across all the 5 or 6 families i talked to.
'beta i was JUST going to call u (realli??!?!) aur tumhay bhi eid mubarak. aur uni kaisi ja rahee hai? acha ammi ko salam kehna. phir baat hogi"

yeah.

fact- i have a talent.
it's indecision.
whether it be shoes/ bags/ clothes/ books, i Always think twice.
so.
i'm thinking.
i really do miss him.
and i can't just say no and end it. yet.
as much for him as for me.
our conversations border on the mundane more and more. not too say that they're boring, but not..stimulating enough.
he said that was my problem. i needed something stimulating all.the.time.
which is true.
one of the side-effects of being hyper.

always looking for something new? for a new high?
commitment issues?
dunno.

'You told me love was only about bodies.Dear girl, you would run off in a mnute if a man told you he was only interested in your body.And you would come to understand the dreadful sensation of loneliness.'
-Ignorance, by Milan Kundera.
(transalation by Linda Asher.)


it's an awesome book. and nothing about love or bodies btw,.

oh.and i love Zh's new post.

i spin yarns from the soles of my feet with the strips of flesh and scraps of nails i weave you unto me.

yes. i know. that was grotesque.

i think il continue the ramble some other time for fear of making this post too long.
i think chun chun wudn;t be too happy about that :P

note to self--- stop rambling about ur daily doings.
=b.o.r.i.n.g

funny how boring has the word b.o and ring in it.
ring of bad odours?
aaahahahhahaa

xo
-eeda

A brief candle; both ends burning
An endless mile; a bus wheel turning
A friend to share the lonesome times
A handshake and a sip of wine
So say it loud and let it ring
We are all a part of everything
The future, present and the past
Fly on proud bird
You're free at last
-Charles Daniels.

photo credits- Embrace by Alistersvperstar.

This blog for all those who'd kill me if i didn't blog within the next two days.
*ehem marina cough ehem neelo cough cough*

ahaha.i love u two.
o, and i love conversations bordering on the sexually inappropriate that often spring out of the mundane things. like chocolate.
*ehem chun chun ehem*
-for more details look into the 45 comments on the blog post below-

which reminds me, the one time i do a blog post about the most twisted stuff in my head i get 45 comments (albeit the fact that half of them were mine)
mhmmmmmmm.....me thinks we need more of those.

following is a compilation proving that brown aunties= major desperados LOOKING to get u hitched.

1, ' picture time'
aunty- oh beta picture khichwa lo.
me- haha yeah phir ammi ko bhejon gi.
aunti-kis kis ki ammi ko? kaun hay jus ki ammi ko tsveer bhejwa rahee ho?
me- O.o

old aunty- mujhay to eeda ke sath tasveer khichwanee hai.
me-aha sure!
old aunty afterwards to khala-
mein woh india ja rahee hoon na novemeber mein. woh tum eeda aur meri tasveer mujhay zroor forward ker dana.
*evil plan a-hatching*
me-O.o

me- ahan mera bachon wala glass kahan hai shazia aunty?
aunty-tum abhee bachi ho?
me- Yupppp
aunty- kuch nahee hota.. jo bhee tumhay le jaey ga na woh tumhay bara ker day ga.
*knowing look*
me-O.o

-me arranging chairs for the aunties-
aunty-haey, jo bhi tumhay le jaen gay bohot lucky hon gay, bohot kaam kerti ho.
me-O.o


yeh. it was kinda sorta very extremely sad.
i don't think they could probably digest the fact that i was still single and hadn't started shooting out babies like an automatic machine gun yet.
Disastroussssssssss...


so. hm. with drug gone camping for three days, i had a little lack of things to keep me occupied.
-understatement-
so i hung out with ze khala.
and ze family.

it was all good until she started hinting at the whole 'ammi ko bta doonnnn gee' na na na na..
i was pissed.
and frankly at my wits end.
nadir bhaiyu PERFECT timining to call, i YELLED..not just yelled i BELLOWED it out..to the point that i'd give paki politicias a run for their money when it comes to throat-ripping rants.
so yeah, noone was home, and i yelled it out, then subsided into an emo ive-had-enuf crying mess.
i know. it was icky weird. its SO not my thing.
i was thinking about that afterwards too.
-eeda ur gettin TOOH emo-

kher. that helped a lot.
he in turn yelled at me saying tht id become her slave and i need to u knw, lern to stand up and say no ..tht she was disrespecting me as a human and that was not allowed in any culture religion so on..
he's a wise guy i know.

kher. hmm..sunday was the long eid party as discussed earlier. reason to get dressed up and all prettied out, which is weird cuz i haven't done that for a while.
too much of a tomboy i know. aha which reminds me,

-on the fone-
drug-can u PLEASE be scared of SOMETHING?
me-nup
him-spiders?
me-no.
him-lizards?
me-not at all.
him- ARGH
me-why does it matter?!
him-i'm a GUY.i have to be able to protect you from SOMETHING.
me-*snort snort*

yes ew i knw.
but so yes got all dressed up. bling blue chunri suit and all that.
shazia aunty- u know ur childish look has gone and u look..complete-er.
yes shazia aunty that makes a wholeeeeee lot of sense.
yes its because u might hav forgotten but i just put my contacts and my dentures back in, which is why i looked complete-er.

hokayyyyy.so.
all's well that ends on a rainbow somewhere with butterflies.
i dont see no butterflies...yet.

me thinks i've hit a good solid desicion.atleast im not so painfully undecided anymore..i think?
i do like him. but not enuf to marry him. i think so.. our differences have been getting painfully glaring lately, and its making me think.
re-think.
point 1. ull never get anyone without flaws.
point 2. ud always mentioned these differences and that we should stop but i waved them aside.
point 3. if i end now il safely join the ranks of being one of the biggest bitches on this planet, considering u told ALL ur friends this weekend about how serious u were about me.
point 4. i'ma do a Golf on u. he did the EXACT same thing to me.

it's so wrong.

i don't want to let go but i have to.
emo much? yes i know.

don't u feel like ur reading the chronicles of the excruciatingly dramatic brown girl?

New York, I love you
But you're bringing me down.
-LCD Soundsystem.

hm.
the weather's been just perfect lately.
u all knw my definition of perfect (windy rainy grey clouds blah di blah) so no 500 word mini novelette on the issue.

i'm thinking i should write something midly profound to atleast end on the blog on a slightly intellectual note, but i'm at a loss for words.
for once.
Ha, eeda. aisa bhi hota hai.

it's my deeju's bday tomorow. i haven't been there for her bday for the last 3 years.
yes i know. it breaks my heart.
she reminds me every time.

there is no place in this world i'd rather be jaan, than have you clinging onto my back liek a koala cub and have you breathing into the back of my neck and whispering quietly,' i love you appi'
like you always did.

The time has come for us to part.

Jaanu it's okay. i still have a little corner in my heart where i still keep the little deeju curled up like u used to be. i still remember your smiles and ur magical hugs that were my cure for any pain inthe world.
and u know that when you go hiding under the table, i'll always come to wipe your tears away and pull you out.

i really wish she doesn't forget that.
or ever feel alone.

all those 'aye kash' things..

im rimble rumble rambling.
so ima go.

note to self, put up paragraph from Kendra's book.

and to all of youse ladies, thankz-youse for following me blogs..for checkingz up, for cheeringz up, fr making me smile.

awh maaaaaan. TOOH much emo.
pith-oooooooeeeeee


i have looked inside your eyes and fallen.
swum
on your irises to your heart.
i saw some faint grooves there, where
my fingers
would fit in perfectly like
a lock and key like
you and me.

i will heal you.


haah xo for now
-eeda.

.

im watchin eternal sunshine of spotless mind and feeling just a tad bit nauseous and a tad bit airheaded and a tad bit nostalgic of the times when i could stay up till 5 am and be wide awake but right now my brain is crashin in two but i insist on getting this movie done and o neelo it was good talking to u today i think i needed it (heart) and yeh sometimes talking contantly isn't really communicating and sometimes punctuation marks are not my thing because a period is just a dot in place a period means the end and i dont like the ends and im just a fucked up girl who needs my own piece of mind my own peace of mind so don't assign me yours and o that's a nice movie and o im nauseous and o my headache's have been getting worse and worse like they feel like a ton of bricks and i cant think and my neck seems to snap just by the weight of lifting my head up and the hollows of my eyes hurt and i dont know whut the fuck the cause is because its not eyesight i had that checked unless the hamster in my mind's gone off its wheel or something or im grown ol' and gnarly and there's worms eating me up from the inside im too young to be thinking about this or mayb im too old or maybe maybe i need some sleep and maybe i just miss him a little just a little and maybe im scared because khala will tell ammi and maybe m sick of the fear thats been eating me up for 19 years and maybe maybe its too much and maybe i need my sanity back and maybe the stars tonight light up in your eyes the same way they light up in mine but we'd never know now would we and maybe ineed the hues of you the purples greens blues of you and i know that by the end of the night you won't have to look up at the stars no more and i know i didnt and i know i did and maybe i need my mind to stop thinking round and round in circles on stairs on broken rusty chairs and maybe and maybe i need my mind to
shush.
shush
shush
shush
shush
shush


photocredits: circles by laxilax. deviantart.com

poetry is an exaggerated expression of emotion.
keep in mind when reading the following.
and o, above alliteration not intended.

and o again, i know its not really poetry but..o well.



i don't know where we're going wrong.
or maybe i do.
maybe it's me.
maybe it's you.

i called back because.
u had made it okay to call back.
if either of us had anything left unsaid.
but when u call back and say what u say we
talk
converse
wallow in the intimacy.
why was this time so
awkward
cold.
i did not do it out of obligation
i did not do it for the drama
i told you that for me saying
anything bordering on the
confessional
is tough because i'm not
built that way i don't wear my heart
on my sleeve my gut
on a platter
i
hide
things which make me weak to
you vulnerable which
explains why when u ask me to
pour my heart to you like you do to me i
hesitate and never
speak.
so when i do speak take it as
the key take it
like a gem in the
dusty sands of a long forgotten
desert take
me seriously.
i mean every word i say even when
i tell you that half i say is nonsense i
am telling you a lie because the nonsense is
camouflage
and hides many truths
inside.
dig for the pearls because they
are worth looking for.
but when they are handed to you shining
and clear on a plate then cherish
them and hold them dear because moments
like these confessions
are precious.

i
think it might be one of
the biggest decisions of my life to let you go but
it just seems like a
rusty hypothesis like a
blueprint for a building that we
failed to construct.i
cannot let you go i
cannot wring free of your grasp i
tell myself i tolerate you because
you charm me but in truth i
miss you the second you are gone i wait
for you to come back i
cant imagine the next four days with you
gone.

i am sorry if that is making me act
distant i
push people away before they
push themselves.

i want u to go but
when u do u leave me wide
awake and
waiting
stone
cold .


i dont really miss him. is that weird? its not night yet tho. ive kept busy.

today was an AWESOME DAY! like AWESOME!
yes marina, the mutinous grey sky and the rain and ahhh,straight out of an indian movie.

mausam hai..ashikana...ae dil kaheen say unko..aisay mein..dhoondh lana..

song not aimed at anything.
Not.
it was ammi abbu's song when it'd b raining.

hung out with friends. had gandhi bhelpuri chat, ( no it wasnt old and wrinkly, but yes it was brown)

khala's insisting on telling ammi. even if everything ends.
apparently she wants my mum to know of my changed perspective on life.
by which she means that yes i think i'm old enough to make my own desicions now.
whoooo..scandal.

regardless, it's been a beautiful beautiful happpy shapppy day.
he called too, for 2 mins.
:)
time to let off
let go
take leave
of you.

hopefully slighlty more intellectual stuff later tonight. i know all ive done is rant lately.
abologies.
imaginations on a hike.

and rudolph was..
xo
-eeda

.








i am being held hostage by my own mind.

stop.thinking.so.goddamn.much.
Please?

too much on my mind.
class at 7
3 32 now.
cant.feckin'.sleep

4 32.
cant.feckin'.sleep

4 41

in
som
ni
ack

EID day= MAD cheeni-ed meethas= HYPER bloggers= TOO many comment threads to follow= AWESOME time.

thank u all of youse that i doth bicker with.
it makes me emo happy.
sigh.
GROUP hug!
except for those with POTENTIAL pervy/lesbian tendencies.
*erheem cough nee cough li cough gun cough ther cough Achoo*

my lips are sealed.

O, point to self.
if all else fails in life,
open a cheeni stand.

and O.
i
had
SAWAEEYAN.
= AWESOME eid day.

i dont want nothing more. no new clothes. no mehendi. no eidi. it'zzz alllllll gooooooood.

yes im easy to please.

on a sadder note, certain kamina insaan is going on a 4 day camping trip
= no communication for 4 days.
ACK! first time in 5 months.

wheres my sugar pot?

-end ramble-
talk soon,
eeda.

and yers i ABOLOGIZE if i cant have my text all different colours like certain rainbow-loving people, *hint again neeli..
rainbow-lovin???!! ..AHhhhahahaah
*eeda cracks up.

tell me someone other than me got that rather lame joke.