of apples, and direction.

want to write but im not sure of what.

the person you love and the person you marry may or may not be the same person,
and i wonder sometimes what am have i getting gotten myself into?

do you only ever understand the singeing consequences when you have achieved what it was you so wanted to achieve?
why do we never listen to Adults when they tell us otherwise.

i see glimpses of you sometimes in our conversations, but most other times i see a Stranger i don't know. Most definitely not the person i intended to marry and yet it is his voice on the other end of the phone, dictating, almost always dictating in matters which do not suit him well. the tiny stubborn particularities with which his family is well-acquainted and i, once, had the power not to bow down to but now i don't, or didn't need to.

the exclusionary principle has already expired, ladies and gentlemen; a most thrilling show.

(and a most difficult life person)
.................................

they say original sin was not in the eating of the apple but of Eve's intense yearning that her subconscious belove, Adam, eat of it. i went along for the ride and you were Eve and this apple maybe i was not ready for.

what to do what to do what to do. to go on and have faith or set boundaries right now? to ask to be respected or to bow down just to end the conflict?
..................................


it is an open field. most romantic visuals show you this. or how stories start always with 'once upon a time' and 'the end' (almost always happy) and the many cliches with which we surround and fool ourselves.
nonetheless, it is an open field. wheat grass goldenbrown waist-high and blue blue brightbabyblue sun. knee-high boots and mud in hair and white wheat clouds and staring at an infinite heaven.
there is no end to this visual. it just exists in my head rolled up next to other mental happyjars.
.............................

desi people tend to interfere too much. its not your shaadi its mine, so keep your in-my-face-religious-dogma only-recently-discovered to yourself and let me find my God my own way. would that be okay Allah? i hope so. i think so.

when will i EVER be allowed to be my own person?
..............................

i wish i could run away. to an open field. lie in mud without having my almost ocd cleanliness perfectionism not haunt me but just let me be at peace with beetles, bugs and the blueblue sky.
..............................

i can never look you in the eye again until you tell me you loved me once, despite making me feel insignificant as a child, and that was the true reason for our friendship and your invasive almost concern. i cannot stand dishonesty and it lurks in the walls in your basement room below me. come clean to me, your lies haunt my mind.
............................

there is no innocence. not even in open fields. there is something sinister in the very earth we live in, the earth of which my flesh is made. i feel earthquakes when no one does, the earth shivers for the lies we stamp on its face, the hypocrisy we feed into its soul.
.............................

yeh kahan agaye hum? this is NOT where i intended to be.

this is Not where i intended to be at all, S.




-eeda

conversations....

....between married folk.....


.................................
S- hey baby, whats up? such a hectic day, sooo busy..what're you upto?

Me- nothing much, just tackling the to do list. tired. how're you?

S- to do list for what?

Me- nani's visa, mom's child tax benefit payment, N's phone bill payment, internet phone line bill for home, magazine re-subscriptions, car fine payments, etc

S- I think you just turned me on...

Me- AHAHAHAHAHAH.. and here i've been spending money on lingerie, when it was PAYING BILLS. should've known.

S-lol i'm kidding, i'm impressed you're taking care of all that. so iss-mart. You are the swiss army knife of a pakistani wife. Love it.

.................

Swiss army knife of a wife?
BAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i love the S to itsybitsyies. esp when he's weirdfunny like that.

-eeda

we

found love in a hopeless place.

.................................
some said i was an (early) settler.
perhaps. people may say. maybe i say it too, to speak the lie i have been told.
but truth be told, while i did have the wild romanticism needed to keep the core of my poetic soul in tact;
i also knew the ways of the world and kept my reality in check. i knew my values, i knew my worth, and while i may not have known exactly what i wanted, you knew. enough for you and for me and for the both of us. enough to tease the misgivings out of my mind and light my eyes with inspiration. enough, to get us here.
and somewhere, somehow, something in us ticked in together.
.............................

there were no starbursting violins when he spoke or when our eyes met, but digital media can do that to relationships. there was however, harmony. and peace.
and while there wasn't surprise fireworks, or fancy dinners or bollwoodesque romantic escapades, there were escapades.
real, firmly grasping onto this world escapades. where we did sit by lakes and held hands like an old married couple. or walked to the petrol station at 5 am for candy, or had you sweep me off my feet for piggy back rides, or watched movies huddled in blankets over shared styrofoam platters of leftover boiled rice and chicken kebabs.

this is reality. real love, not mired in fairytales and grime.
i could've kept waiting for prince charming. and violins. and red tipped roses. someone who sang prosaic verses to my soul and stared me down with amber eyes and amber lips, serenading my secrets in kisses across my skin.

but this happens in our minds and heart. or also in reality. but us, tortured romantic perfectionists, so caught up in fine-tuning the details of our 'love', we forget what is happening is just that..love.
albeit not the love we wanted but the love that is. the love in the eyes of my lover, husband, best friend, when he says that he hates mondays. it is when he miss me the most.

there is nothing hollywood about that. but my heart feels the eerie squish.
and sometimes, you don't need the roses for this feeling.
.......................................

i used to wonder how someone could understand me when i hadn't myself felt that instantaneous affirmation that my own soulstrings had unbounded to let him in. but he says so. and he proves me wrong everytime the little hesitant nag goes off in my brain screaming, but how Could he know me so well?
well he does. somehow.

and he knows me well.
.........................................


life teaches you interesting lessons when u have faith. u live in black and white hoping for technicolor, but it is only when u re-examine past memories does everything glare up in colors brighter than you could imagine. you feel that sweet awakening, perhaps, it really was as sweet as you had hoped it to be..only in hindsight.  had you not been directing this one-person romance you would've felt his presence. resting his eyes on the fallen trees behind you but always with the protective grip around your waist.

in hindsight.
....................................

quite the learning experience it is. love. what intrigues me to him, and to it, is that it is nothing i imagined before. and everything i had hoped it would be. in its own way.
only once you have your peace with its free-flowing uniqueness do you begin to appreciate the technicolor dreamrealities of love. and of companionship.
....................................

i miss you hugging me outside home depot and the Italian cafe as we waited for our take-out. i miss squinting in the sun in your arms, laughing and kissing you and holding you away from the world.
it may take me time yet, to know you, to let us evolve into one, but bear with me, as i know you will and as i know you have. you may not serenade with violins, but you are always there for me with your patience, faith,stability and above all, the most tender of loves.
..................................

i could list down my most favourite memories with u over my trip to newyork, last month's 21st, but i wouldn't know where to begin. the forest, or seeing the deer, or holding hands by the lake, or the ride to LI from NJ, or the room, or..the car. the intensity in your eyes. the most heartfelt of a goodbye.

all i know is, it IS beautiful with you. and while i acknowledge the rocky climb we left behind and one which still lies ahead, that is what makes for the most beautiful and most valuable of journeys..

in short, i love you Husband. here's to nearly two months of official, and 3 and half years to the unofficial Us.

-eeda


ps. a little unsolicited advice-> you don't need two fully trusting hearts in love to have faith. faith alone will bring the love you both desire.