i am trying to find within myself spaces to breathe
little holes of comfort where it's just my mind and things that bring me peace
old songs. tv shows. good memories. happy thoughts.
spaces i am not beating myself for being a disappointment as a daughter
a failure as a wife, an overbearing overshadowing sister
an inconsistent friend, a morally void human and above all
a spiritually bankrupt Muslim
i find lately i cannot hold up a mirror to what others think of me
and what i think of me and find a parallel in those dichotomies. there is none.
i am two different people and i hate, hate, hate
the person i am, for the mistakes i have made, the lack of things i have accomplished.

what's new?


i moved to a different city. 2 days short of our first month here.
S and his brother got into a fist fight brawl yesterday. there was blood. cops came over.
we convinced them it was brotherly 'rumbunctious' love that got a tad out of hand.
no one pressed charges. no one was arrested. not sure if anyone was shaken up enough to realize that this can't happen anymore.


i write as i am feeling. completely utterly numb.
my mind has turned to mush. nothing makes sense. nothing feels good. all my days are stitched together into one long episode where everything keeps repeating in cycles but nothing changes.
self-medication is the only only thing that keeps the headaches at bay and my sanity loosely intact enough i make it from one day to the next.


my anxiety is the worst it's ever been. i am not having panic attacks anymore because i have numbed myself enough so i no longer feel anything, but internalized anxiety and stress doesn't mean its disappeared. it comes out in other ways.
mostly brain fog, all the time. not being able to think straight. not retaining any new information so no short term memories, very poor recall, and terrifying nightmares. being chased, running, stabbing someone who wont die, and almost always, something to do with flights. missing flights, or being on an airplane and getting kicked off, or never making it to the airport, or being at the airport but being lost at the terminal. not sure what that's about.
my head feels like...being at sea is the best way to describe it. as if my brain's rolling back and forth so I can't tell which way is up or down. it's worst when I wake up, so i can barely keep my eyes open. sleeping in helps, but then i've been sleeping in for hours and hours hoping the nightmare that awaits when i wake up is better than the nightmare i dreamt of with my eyes closed.


i don't know what to do. which isn't true. i do know what to do but i am terrified to do it because.
im scared of the unknown
im scared that this next step will end my life as i know it, break my bond with S somehow which is already quite broken and I unable to admit it
scared ke log kya kahenge. yes really.
scared of never being able to come back. what if it does end up in an divorce and then would i want to be a divorced 30 year old? what aer my prospects then?
scared of loneliness
scared of independance. of having to brave the world myself. not that he offers any protection but there's still some peace there in my mind.


it's insane isnt it that i would find peace in the violence and the cops and the throwing punches and keys and glasses and phones flying everywhere in the middle of the night and screams and shouting and cursing MORE than i would peace in meing alone without any violence....


it's not insane when you think that violence is all i have known. I have seen my mother be punched and slapped and so this violence doesn't surprise me. it should but it doesnt. it should shake my core but it doesnt. it should elicit some emotion from me but it doesn't.


you know what elicits emotion? when Ahlee texts me that I am not alone, to not feel alone. that i have a home to run to if i want. then i ball my eyes out.


my heart and mind and soul is otherwise shut. drowning in cotton fields keep pulling cotton balls out of my mouth and ringing ears.


this too shall pass. hopefully. soon. i hope i stay alive long enough to see the end of it.


e

after his 8 day sober spell when he did relapse, i should say it came as a surprise but really didn't. of course the usual happened, heartache, anguish, pain like i had neevr felt before.
my heart feels like it's been ripped open again. i want to tear the world apart.
my rage knows no bounds.
how much longer? what more? how much more.
ya Allah is there no end to the tests you put us through?

i refused to leave my room for 3 days. sleeping working and crying. he came and lied down on me today, his head shaking uncontrollably. tremors. withdrawl symptom after aclean break and relapse.
his head shook for hours.
when i refused to sleep with him in our room he became violent again, as he does when he doesn't get his way drunk or in withdrawal. he banged on the door so hard i thought someone in the building would call the cops. he called me all the worst names in the book and finally, i grabbed my coat and left at 130am. drove teh car infront of his face while he waso n the phone screaming.

but chicken that i am, 7 years of doing this later, it's still not enough for me to finally have the balls to leave. 30 minutes later i was home, and he was in his bed and i in mine. 2 roomates barely acquainted who speak the 10 days a month he is intermitently sober, but otherwise live this false parade of appearances waiting to see who dies first.

my life is in shambles. i have no where to run. no place i feel safe. terrified to be without a roof over my head i call home. no family within 1000 miles. alone.

and a God who isn't done with me yet. i have cried and pleaded and begged and prayed and there still seems to be no end. no end to this misery.

dont know what to do. curse the day i thought i would marry him and reform him. curse myself for being an idiot. the biggest idiot i know.

this 30th bday, i'd like to give myself

freedom. from life.
no more heartaches
no more heartbreaks
no more regrets
no more every day tears, no more
everyday comforting others and drowning on the inside
pretending
trying
trying
trying
fighting
pushing
pulling
giving
exhausted laboring on
no
more
enough.

bus.

i miss you A.
screaming this into this void because, well, where else?

wonder if you will hear me.
wonder how i will get through this year without you. stakes are higher. things are worse.
and i miss, i NEED, above all, my friend in you.

all the men in the world, they've sucked the lifesoul out of me.
drained me out in red rivulets, spreadeagled i give birth to my pain
and my anguish; my emotional burden of
carrying unfinished boys on my shoulders and giving shelter
to their excuses, their lies, broken half-finished promises,
disappearances becauses they can't shoulder too many
burdens of their own.
i may be a cowering shipwreck but
there's old treasures buried in me still,
glinting in sunbeams when i smile,
fake or otherwise; i can bring
nations down to their feet when as a mother, as a lover
then can i not
bring you down to your
knees?

or
make you rise
from your own ashes?
do not question my strength
i may be perfectly still but i'm only
quietly gathering strength to

ignite.