for every bad thng in life, there is sum act which always balances it out....so ive been goin on and on abt the bad thngs in life recently , bt today i picked up on many tiny lil thngs tht made me happyy....ad i wanted to list em down.....
first ....the bad...patrick didn talk to me for long today...ran into him aftr the midterm, he asked how the paper was, and ran...i was hurt..wrote him a long email afterwards tellin him whut he was doin was rong...yes i stood up fr miself...lolz....
now ..the good.........
1) ez walked me to class today...hahaha...for the first time...said he cudn believe he was doin it either....hahaha....
2)there was an adorableeeeeeeeeeeeeee baby on the skytrain today with the cutest blue eyes and the most sweet laugh ive ever heard..every single person in tht train had their eyes on her,..she was cute and small and innocent and soooo........happy.............pure free happiness......its so damn contagious i swear......makes u all happy too........
3)i went shoppin to metrotown today to get mi shoes...as i was about to enter i saw ths guy hold the door open for 3 diff ladies to pass, the last one was an old lady with crutches who took hours passing..i thought tht was cute...but what was cuter was, once in, he opened the door from the inside again to make sure all the ladies behind him passed too..i was like WOAH..and he wasn nerdy lookin either..he was a realli hot, well dressed asian,and how many times does tht happen..i thought onli nerds did tht..and onli one way too..but both ways? and he OBV has a gf ,i mean gurls wud die to get a guy liek tht,,,unless theyre of sum wacko kind and go lookin for bad boi types......nudge hint armie.......,i saw his gf when i entered, she was waitin for him inside...then they held hands,........no, i wasn jealous,,,yes i did think of patrick, no i didn cry..arghhhhhhhhh....hahah...but tht act touched me right to the core..to know chivalry of tht kind still existed......
4) on the way back i entered the train and it was cramped, so i remained standing,an old man by the door immediately got up to gimme his seat..and he was pretty old too and all bundled up..but because i had mi ipod on full blast i cudn here whut he said, but he kept on saying sumthin to me and motioning to the seat..by the time i got the damn headphones off, he was askin me for the 20th time, are u sure ur okay.standing..u can have this seat..mi stops about to come soon....i assured him it was fine ...BUT what was again sweeter was how he got up way before his stop was gonna come, motioned for me to get the seat, and held onto it for me until i sat down..i was so so soooooooo touched..thngs like tht dont happen..esp not by white old guys to indian looking gurls in scarves....ive gotten too pessimistic.....tht old man in all his coats and hats and all touched me like no other...not physicalli u idiots...i mayb loneli but not THAT desperate...............haha.. but.i realised kindness and so on existed...it touched mi heart.......
so, with ths reassuring thought in mind, ima end now knwin tht hey, lifes not all bad..whut goes round comes round, if im good to ppl mayb itll rub off on me one day.....hahaha.....
ps.....i missed pat today too.............wen writin the email to him i started cryin ..AGAIN..but stopped miself in time....whut the hell is rong with me? why cnt i get over ths jerk..........arghhhhhhhh
pps...eco midterm was okay...ill survive at least
pps..i love rainy days................
all for nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
me me me.....
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
of living and learning....and why suicide is not an option..
this weekend has been....WOAH..thts the onli way i can say it..frm the whole patrick thng, then the whole break down...then the other lil incidents......
firstly was armie openin up to me...shes jus as scared as i am.....i feel for her cuz i knw how she feels..................i knw how tht pain can drive u insane bt wnt discuss it here.....serets are for keeping....hahaha..
secondli was the whole tommy-amy-dorothy episdoe..basicalli doroothy was offended tht the 'imperial couple' which is tommy and amy , valued me jus as much as her..and she got offended..and told me how hurt she was by it and how she didn like bein compared..i was like WOAH.....i hav nuthing to do with this,,i jus helped amy to talk to tommy wen they fought, and jus listened to tommy wen he felt like talkin abt evrything...thts all...i struggled with thse 2 all night,,,anyways, next day dorothy sends me the convo she had with tommy, where he tells her tht dorothy means mre to him thn i do, because i had told tommy to do tht.....even tho tommy doesn see it tht way, but readin tht convo hurt...and i was thnkin of how dorothy deliberately showed me the convo to see where i stood,,,jus so she cud hav one up on me..i mean hellooooooooo since wen is friendship this game where ppl 'compete' to get sumones attention....anyways,,mst of u r gnna b lost here cuz u dnt knw the whole story here ,but jus knw tht these ppl were frnds frm gylc,,and tommy means alot alot alot to me......hes a realli gud frndd...today he spent all his time tryin to convince me tht i meant alot to him..it was sweet ...and unnerving,,,cuz i dnt beleive i deserve it bt neways......................
next up was tino..another gylc frnd whod been goin on and on about how distant and cold i was at gylc..he said im a different person online, but i said tht noone evever tried to get to knw me in gylc...thse who did, like leah and fanny and rachel, knew ME me......he said he tried and he deserved to knw........which is true,,,he DID try bt i jus used to push him off....so i tried to tell him why it was tht i was so cold and harsh...........he became silent....he said now he knew ...and he wasnt suprised at all...he said i did great turning out the way i did,,and he was surprised i was so normal....again most of ull b liek shes goin off in a tangent sumwher,,,but neway...........its always gud to knw wen the few ppl who know abt me tell me tht i did well.....as i said im still dealing with it.....mi horoscopes been wacki like tht latel,,,telling me tht i did the best i cud, and mayb i shud let go of all the guilt i kept inside....i dunno..ill heal with time.........
next up is again..patrick..hahaha..i swear i TRIED not to think abt him and i dont....butthe randomest thng or the other will triiger the thought...like i went shoppin today and went to sportscheck for buying joggers,,and i remmebered how him and me had gone to sports check in metrotown and we'd picked out our fav shoes...........i saw tht same shoe ther today and tht hurt.....and again over the weekened, i went to sfu to work on mi english assignment with tina, and on the bus and the train i kept remembering how he told me which were his fav seats to sit in.......i look at the asian couples and think of him and his gf sumwher..and i thnk how unfair it is for me..i mean he said he needed to b ther for her cuz she had noone here,,well i hav noone here too......all mi frnds are far away,,,bt atleast they care..all of them..ive been overwhelmed by the support ive gotten these past few days ( i sound liek sum actress giving her thank-u speech for the oscars) 'I wud liek to thank the cast and crew of 'ISM' and the great times we had, the technical support of 'Facebook' for keeping me in touch with the people i value the most, and lastly I would liek to thank God for this wonderful award in my hand' ''lifts award, bows to crowd and sweeps off the stage'' bwahahahhahaha.....i swear i cn b so corny sumtimes.................
but its true,everyone cared so much..it felt good to knw.................there was a time wen iwas small and i used to think, 'if i died today, who'd miss me?' this is after sum particularly nasty fights btween mum and dad,,,,,..and mi tiny lil brain used to answer 'noone''.....but today, i CAN say, alot of people.................like rima,armie,sandy,tommy,dj,,maybe even anas,rt,ezra,mi grandparents, some of mi teachers, mi mum and dad ( but ive kinda become indifferent to them for sum reason..i knw it sounds cold,,,mayb im jus sayin it bt dont mean it ) bt esp mi bro and mi sis..i dnt wna wreck their lives....i think prolli ths is the reason why i didn bcome suicidal...hahah..alot of ppl who know used to ask me tht...didn u EVER thnk of commiting suicide..no...i used to hit miself once....long long ago....hit the wall i mean,, get all bruised..bt i WUDN kill miself bcuz
a) i dnt fancy hanging frm a rope and choking
b)there is no such thing as strawberry flavoured poison yet...
c)i dnt wnna stick mi head in the oven and hav the gas inside me......mi allergy wud work up and id sneeze and sneeze and end up with a cold......i mean i wnna look like a pretty corpse,who wants to hav a red,rashed nose and a handkerchief on them wen they die...
d) lying on the railway tracks is SO old fashioned...dnt much fancy being squashed by wheels....whut a terrible sensation wne they trains approachin u....and ur goin 5,4,3,2,ACK....haha
e) i dont like drowning....i mean for thse who knw abt mi tunis trip,i tried drowning but seriousli,,,the time period between wen ur still conscious and ur goin ...''SHIT, is there a SHARK in here?' wud b highly uncomfortable.............hahah....i dunt wnna b an incomplete corpse either..preferabli with all thngs intact......hahah.. i mean okay, if i hav to die bein devoured by a shark, imagine i wrote in mi will , bury with all body parts,, and u poor poor ppl hav to search the entire ocean lookin for mi eyeball............which may happen to b squashed under a whale...before its winter hibernation period or sumthin.....and u cnt find the thng for yearsssssss...nd u cnt bury me........n i jus lie on a slab goin all ewwwwyyyyyy......hahah....
f) jumping frm buildings is not a good idea..i mea u jump okay, ur falling down , and u pass all these windows on the way with people celbrating sumones bday, sumone gttin 'intimate' in the second floor, rima and whoever making out on the third floor..WAIT, was tht RIMA? omg.....but its too late to go back and check by then......so yeh,tht wud b pretty lame too....u knw...
g) slittin wrists is messy, i mean u wudn like ur mum/roomate/relative to b cleanin up aftr u....truli unhygenic..hey they cud get aids or sutthin too..tho if u DO hav aidss then why bother 'suiciding' at all..patience is a virtue and ull b dead in a few mths neway...........and secondly, it wud b ''bloody'' painfulllll...i mean imagine u singing 'ba ba black sheep' to kill time and let the blood drain away...whut u CUD do if ur gnna commit suicide ths way and ur scared of slittin them purposefulli, is tht u cud....er...make salad.....andddddddd ''accidentalli' put all of ur left hand next to the veggies and go,,chop chop chop chop gner ger 'grunt.'.cuz ur tryina get thru the bone' OUCH OUCH OUCH, ba ba black sheep ,black out...end of story.............or, in ths case, end of u ...........
h) u cud try electrifying ureself, tho ive heard it ends up giving u a realli bad hairdo and cn rot ur brain.....and me bein shallow, i hav to look Beautiful wen i die..not with sum kinda goeey poop comin out mi ears and hair stickin all over the place...or mayb i can gt one of u guys to put hairspray on or sumthin...for future refernce,if ths is to occur, plz use herbal essences hairspray for curly hair...straight hair makes me look weird.....thnk u in advance...............bwahahha....
hmm..im out of ideas..mayb i shud update ths soon tho..interesting thought...........
im out of crappy thngs to write................mus b goin now
ps.....................i posted a new pic on fb,,haha..call me selfish or arrogant bt i was pleased by the stir it created,,,a few ppl said i look nice,,and its a lil boost for mi already sagging confidence.....ahahha......hahah..no, im crappy with compliments..i laughed away all of them....cnt accept it and believe these ppl are bein truthful at the same time....bt yh,, gives u a teensy weensy lil bit of 'hey, i dnt resemble shit so much after all.......'' feeling.....hahaha
pps.........im SO shallow...hahahah..
all for now..cha ciao folks.......
firstly was armie openin up to me...shes jus as scared as i am.....i feel for her cuz i knw how she feels..................i knw how tht pain can drive u insane bt wnt discuss it here.....serets are for keeping....hahaha..
secondli was the whole tommy-amy-dorothy episdoe..basicalli doroothy was offended tht the 'imperial couple' which is tommy and amy , valued me jus as much as her..and she got offended..and told me how hurt she was by it and how she didn like bein compared..i was like WOAH.....i hav nuthing to do with this,,i jus helped amy to talk to tommy wen they fought, and jus listened to tommy wen he felt like talkin abt evrything...thts all...i struggled with thse 2 all night,,,anyways, next day dorothy sends me the convo she had with tommy, where he tells her tht dorothy means mre to him thn i do, because i had told tommy to do tht.....even tho tommy doesn see it tht way, but readin tht convo hurt...and i was thnkin of how dorothy deliberately showed me the convo to see where i stood,,,jus so she cud hav one up on me..i mean hellooooooooo since wen is friendship this game where ppl 'compete' to get sumones attention....anyways,,mst of u r gnna b lost here cuz u dnt knw the whole story here ,but jus knw tht these ppl were frnds frm gylc,,and tommy means alot alot alot to me......hes a realli gud frndd...today he spent all his time tryin to convince me tht i meant alot to him..it was sweet ...and unnerving,,,cuz i dnt beleive i deserve it bt neways......................
next up was tino..another gylc frnd whod been goin on and on about how distant and cold i was at gylc..he said im a different person online, but i said tht noone evever tried to get to knw me in gylc...thse who did, like leah and fanny and rachel, knew ME me......he said he tried and he deserved to knw........which is true,,,he DID try bt i jus used to push him off....so i tried to tell him why it was tht i was so cold and harsh...........he became silent....he said now he knew ...and he wasnt suprised at all...he said i did great turning out the way i did,,and he was surprised i was so normal....again most of ull b liek shes goin off in a tangent sumwher,,,but neway...........its always gud to knw wen the few ppl who know abt me tell me tht i did well.....as i said im still dealing with it.....mi horoscopes been wacki like tht latel,,,telling me tht i did the best i cud, and mayb i shud let go of all the guilt i kept inside....i dunno..ill heal with time.........
next up is again..patrick..hahaha..i swear i TRIED not to think abt him and i dont....butthe randomest thng or the other will triiger the thought...like i went shoppin today and went to sportscheck for buying joggers,,and i remmebered how him and me had gone to sports check in metrotown and we'd picked out our fav shoes...........i saw tht same shoe ther today and tht hurt.....and again over the weekened, i went to sfu to work on mi english assignment with tina, and on the bus and the train i kept remembering how he told me which were his fav seats to sit in.......i look at the asian couples and think of him and his gf sumwher..and i thnk how unfair it is for me..i mean he said he needed to b ther for her cuz she had noone here,,well i hav noone here too......all mi frnds are far away,,,bt atleast they care..all of them..ive been overwhelmed by the support ive gotten these past few days ( i sound liek sum actress giving her thank-u speech for the oscars) 'I wud liek to thank the cast and crew of 'ISM' and the great times we had, the technical support of 'Facebook' for keeping me in touch with the people i value the most, and lastly I would liek to thank God for this wonderful award in my hand' ''lifts award, bows to crowd and sweeps off the stage'' bwahahahhahaha.....i swear i cn b so corny sumtimes.................
but its true,everyone cared so much..it felt good to knw.................there was a time wen iwas small and i used to think, 'if i died today, who'd miss me?' this is after sum particularly nasty fights btween mum and dad,,,,,..and mi tiny lil brain used to answer 'noone''.....but today, i CAN say, alot of people.................like rima,armie,sandy,tommy,dj,,maybe even anas,rt,ezra,mi grandparents, some of mi teachers, mi mum and dad ( but ive kinda become indifferent to them for sum reason..i knw it sounds cold,,,mayb im jus sayin it bt dont mean it ) bt esp mi bro and mi sis..i dnt wna wreck their lives....i think prolli ths is the reason why i didn bcome suicidal...hahah..alot of ppl who know used to ask me tht...didn u EVER thnk of commiting suicide..no...i used to hit miself once....long long ago....hit the wall i mean,, get all bruised..bt i WUDN kill miself bcuz
a) i dnt fancy hanging frm a rope and choking
b)there is no such thing as strawberry flavoured poison yet...
c)i dnt wnna stick mi head in the oven and hav the gas inside me......mi allergy wud work up and id sneeze and sneeze and end up with a cold......i mean i wnna look like a pretty corpse,who wants to hav a red,rashed nose and a handkerchief on them wen they die...
d) lying on the railway tracks is SO old fashioned...dnt much fancy being squashed by wheels....whut a terrible sensation wne they trains approachin u....and ur goin 5,4,3,2,ACK....haha
e) i dont like drowning....i mean for thse who knw abt mi tunis trip,i tried drowning but seriousli,,,the time period between wen ur still conscious and ur goin ...''SHIT, is there a SHARK in here?' wud b highly uncomfortable.............hahah....i dunt wnna b an incomplete corpse either..preferabli with all thngs intact......hahah.. i mean okay, if i hav to die bein devoured by a shark, imagine i wrote in mi will , bury with all body parts,, and u poor poor ppl hav to search the entire ocean lookin for mi eyeball............which may happen to b squashed under a whale...before its winter hibernation period or sumthin.....and u cnt find the thng for yearsssssss...nd u cnt bury me........n i jus lie on a slab goin all ewwwwyyyyyy......hahah....
f) jumping frm buildings is not a good idea..i mea u jump okay, ur falling down , and u pass all these windows on the way with people celbrating sumones bday, sumone gttin 'intimate' in the second floor, rima and whoever making out on the third floor..WAIT, was tht RIMA? omg.....but its too late to go back and check by then......so yeh,tht wud b pretty lame too....u knw...
g) slittin wrists is messy, i mean u wudn like ur mum/roomate/relative to b cleanin up aftr u....truli unhygenic..hey they cud get aids or sutthin too..tho if u DO hav aidss then why bother 'suiciding' at all..patience is a virtue and ull b dead in a few mths neway...........and secondly, it wud b ''bloody'' painfulllll...i mean imagine u singing 'ba ba black sheep' to kill time and let the blood drain away...whut u CUD do if ur gnna commit suicide ths way and ur scared of slittin them purposefulli, is tht u cud....er...make salad.....andddddddd ''accidentalli' put all of ur left hand next to the veggies and go,,chop chop chop chop gner ger 'grunt.'.cuz ur tryina get thru the bone' OUCH OUCH OUCH, ba ba black sheep ,black out...end of story.............or, in ths case, end of u ...........
h) u cud try electrifying ureself, tho ive heard it ends up giving u a realli bad hairdo and cn rot ur brain.....and me bein shallow, i hav to look Beautiful wen i die..not with sum kinda goeey poop comin out mi ears and hair stickin all over the place...or mayb i can gt one of u guys to put hairspray on or sumthin...for future refernce,if ths is to occur, plz use herbal essences hairspray for curly hair...straight hair makes me look weird.....thnk u in advance...............bwahahha....
hmm..im out of ideas..mayb i shud update ths soon tho..interesting thought...........
im out of crappy thngs to write................mus b goin now
ps.....................i posted a new pic on fb,,haha..call me selfish or arrogant bt i was pleased by the stir it created,,,a few ppl said i look nice,,and its a lil boost for mi already sagging confidence.....ahahha......hahah..no, im crappy with compliments..i laughed away all of them....cnt accept it and believe these ppl are bein truthful at the same time....bt yh,, gives u a teensy weensy lil bit of 'hey, i dnt resemble shit so much after all.......'' feeling.....hahaha
pps.........im SO shallow...hahahah..
all for now..cha ciao folks.......
Friday, June 22, 2007
'Cuz there's beauty in the Break-down.
on thursday me and ezra watched garden state...........while watching,this geo professor came and gave us a big lecture on why to take geographyt for future life..........very annoying..i hate it wen ppl do that,,,neways,,,,,,,,we watched the movie, and it realli was great,,,,had lunch, walked him to the bus stand....went to get mi laptop fixed cuaz it wasn catchin any internet.......decided to check mi email..........and ther it was,,,,, pat's finals desicion..............
i hadn seen him for 4 days,,he never came to class and i assumed he wasn in uni..i told him i was bored and tht i missed him tht day and i hope i wasn't bein too all clingy by writin him emails ........... this is his reply...........
i hadn seen him for 4 days,,he never came to class and i assumed he wasn in uni..i told him i was bored and tht i missed him tht day and i hope i wasn't bein too all clingy by writin him emails ........... this is his reply...........
Dear Fareeda,
Yes, I was at SFU.
I had a lot of fun hanging out and chat. However, I realize I have been slacking off at work and solving problems. I am sorry that I will not have time to hang out with you any more.
My girlfriend's mom just left yesterday. She is having such a rough time and I want to be there for her.
I hope you do well in the midterm,
Nhan
for a second, i was stunned.....sat back, read it again,,,felt like crying but tht was prolli cuz i had mi auntie,,haha,
replied back saying,
hey,
i understand u need to work and all, but u shudve told me this before...and not led me on either when u still wnna b with ur gf.................
anyways, it doesn matter,,,i had fun talking to u too......
hope u do well in exams as well,
fareeda
i felt awful.......i felt used and violated..aftr so mani years of finalli openin up and lettin sumone in, i got jus whut i feared the most , which is rejection i gues,,,tht i cant stand, as well as betrayel.....
i guess the first time i was ever hurt in mi life was wen i realized mi parents werent the happy fairytale ccouple i had imagined them to be...the second time was when laura betrayed me, but i was a child then so it didn hurt so much...mi first big shock was ofcourse RT, and the whole anas thng......tht stung for ages....................and ofcourse, now theres this..........this isnt that bad tho, jus yesterday it seemed like it.........i felt awful, and all defensive again...tht id never let guys in and id never trust anyone again and all......i was bein melodramatic..hahaha..
anyways, i was truly hurt and ive just learnt tht rejection and all this will happen again and again and again in life..u dnt let that stop u....ive faced this bfre and i came out of it and im not goona let sum vietnamese guy i met a month ago ruin mi life........
bt anyways, truthfulli speaking, i DID make a fuss yesterday...i complained to rima and armie and tommy and ezra..not much to ez tho,,,,but i complained..lookin back i can laugh at that now...but neways yesterday, i was too depressed to study,, i was anooyed and angry......so i downloaded ''10 thngs i hate about u'' one of mi favourite chick flick movies,,haha,,,watched that till 4,,but even hadn helped much,.
then i watched a 'walk to remmeber' ..thts when it all came out....everything,,,,,,,,,,,,,i realised how badly i had numbed miself up....i hadn cried wen i left libya, wen i met and then had to say gud-bye to rima or rmie i didn cry....i din cry wen i left pakistan .......tho all thse thngs had hurt alot.....i didn cry wen i missed them wen i got here here, or wen i missed mi family...i didn cry wen i slowly started to face all thse bad memories id locked away for 18 years....i started to remember them and say'look, this happend to me,,dnt get hurt about it and get the child out of u who used to thnk of this and feel hurt and wonder 'why'? ''..............but tht didn happen cuz i STILL had tht child in me hurting and hurting and remembering.......... ..then i hrd abt mum havin a hard time at home and even then i din cry,,then patrick happened and i still din cry.....thou all tht pain kept adding up and up..............
so i knew i had this longggggggggggggggggggggggg overdue....haha..well, the movie got it all out......u knw wen u cry convulsively, ur shivering cuz u cnt stop...they call them 'racking' sobs i thinl........thts how it happened yesterday.....mi pillow was drenched,mi eyes were swollen and the tears kept coming and coming..i swear i made mi own river...tthd b sum world record..'''new (wo)man-made river in Canada'' haha..tht sounds SO ew and soo girly and so weak....
......bt yh..i thought back of evrything, all the very good memories and all the realli bad ones....and jus kept crying,,and in the movie, jamie was dying.....and i was at ism again, dancing in khans class,,,now landon had married her and i was a kid watching mi mum cry...now he was makin her tht telescope and i was at the mall choosing shoes with patrick.........but yeh..........the movie ended soon after, and so did the pain...........
i slept then, and woke at 3 in the afternoon, but atleast now i feel liberated and cleansed.......happy.... aand i dnt hav tht heavy feeling in me again.......i feel like how i felt the first 3 days i came here, tht i was in whole new world and nuthing cud ever hurt me here, not mi past or mi present..id left it all behind but then sumtimes u CANT leave it behind....but u cn accept it and b okay with it ...and thts how i feel now again.........im so glad the hurts gone...i cn thnk of patrick and whutever happeend without hurt and anger now,accept whut he did, and b okay with it..
so yeh, breakdowns can b nasty at first,,but beautiful too.....they make u stronger instead of weaker,,they cleanse ur soul , they giv u strength to fight life all over again...........
enuf of the gooey talk,,,for all u ppl readin ths blog, heres a tip or two:
1-wen u feeel bad, hav choclate and herbal tea...amazin combo..oh yeh hot baths too....watchin it rain is nto a bad idea either,,,or a snset at the beach..im such a hopeless romantic...''sigh''......
2-watch a walk to rmemeber..its easier thn feelin gloomy for days and waitin for the tears to come...this is is like fatser and neater...haha..sounds like sum hair removal techinique,,faster and neater..ew........
3-listen to Let go- by frou frou..the song im obsessed with right now..............
or I'm good-tony laf.......theyll both make u feel happy..atleast they do for me...
or wen u havent realli cried yet and ur feelin heavy, listen to Fix You- coldplay......
nice songs.....
4-jus remember tht theres noone in ths world who doesnt hav sumone hurting and caring for them.............
so heres a big hug to ppl who care for me........u knw who u r..... :D
all mi crapp for now...........
eeda
for a second, i was stunned.....sat back, read it again,,,felt like crying but tht was prolli cuz i had mi auntie,,haha,
replied back saying,
hey,
i understand u need to work and all, but u shudve told me this before...and not led me on either when u still wnna b with ur gf.................
anyways, it doesn matter,,,i had fun talking to u too......
hope u do well in exams as well,
fareeda
i felt awful.......i felt used and violated..aftr so mani years of finalli openin up and lettin sumone in, i got jus whut i feared the most , which is rejection i gues,,,tht i cant stand, as well as betrayel.....
i guess the first time i was ever hurt in mi life was wen i realized mi parents werent the happy fairytale ccouple i had imagined them to be...the second time was when laura betrayed me, but i was a child then so it didn hurt so much...mi first big shock was ofcourse RT, and the whole anas thng......tht stung for ages....................and ofcourse, now theres this..........this isnt that bad tho, jus yesterday it seemed like it.........i felt awful, and all defensive again...tht id never let guys in and id never trust anyone again and all......i was bein melodramatic..hahaha..
anyways, i was truly hurt and ive just learnt tht rejection and all this will happen again and again and again in life..u dnt let that stop u....ive faced this bfre and i came out of it and im not goona let sum vietnamese guy i met a month ago ruin mi life........
bt anyways, truthfulli speaking, i DID make a fuss yesterday...i complained to rima and armie and tommy and ezra..not much to ez tho,,,,but i complained..lookin back i can laugh at that now...but neways yesterday, i was too depressed to study,, i was anooyed and angry......so i downloaded ''10 thngs i hate about u'' one of mi favourite chick flick movies,,haha,,,watched that till 4,,but even hadn helped much,.
then i watched a 'walk to remmeber' ..thts when it all came out....everything,,,,,,,,,,,,,i realised how badly i had numbed miself up....i hadn cried wen i left libya, wen i met and then had to say gud-bye to rima or rmie i didn cry....i din cry wen i left pakistan .......tho all thse thngs had hurt alot.....i didn cry wen i missed them wen i got here here, or wen i missed mi family...i didn cry wen i slowly started to face all thse bad memories id locked away for 18 years....i started to remember them and say'look, this happend to me,,dnt get hurt about it and get the child out of u who used to thnk of this and feel hurt and wonder 'why'? ''..............but tht didn happen cuz i STILL had tht child in me hurting and hurting and remembering.......... ..then i hrd abt mum havin a hard time at home and even then i din cry,,then patrick happened and i still din cry.....thou all tht pain kept adding up and up..............
so i knew i had this longggggggggggggggggggggggg overdue....haha..well, the movie got it all out......u knw wen u cry convulsively, ur shivering cuz u cnt stop...they call them 'racking' sobs i thinl........thts how it happened yesterday.....mi pillow was drenched,mi eyes were swollen and the tears kept coming and coming..i swear i made mi own river...tthd b sum world record..'''new (wo)man-made river in Canada'' haha..tht sounds SO ew and soo girly and so weak....
......bt yh..i thought back of evrything, all the very good memories and all the realli bad ones....and jus kept crying,,and in the movie, jamie was dying.....and i was at ism again, dancing in khans class,,,now landon had married her and i was a kid watching mi mum cry...now he was makin her tht telescope and i was at the mall choosing shoes with patrick.........but yeh..........the movie ended soon after, and so did the pain...........
i slept then, and woke at 3 in the afternoon, but atleast now i feel liberated and cleansed.......happy.... aand i dnt hav tht heavy feeling in me again.......i feel like how i felt the first 3 days i came here, tht i was in whole new world and nuthing cud ever hurt me here, not mi past or mi present..id left it all behind but then sumtimes u CANT leave it behind....but u cn accept it and b okay with it ...and thts how i feel now again.........im so glad the hurts gone...i cn thnk of patrick and whutever happeend without hurt and anger now,accept whut he did, and b okay with it..
so yeh, breakdowns can b nasty at first,,but beautiful too.....they make u stronger instead of weaker,,they cleanse ur soul , they giv u strength to fight life all over again...........
enuf of the gooey talk,,,for all u ppl readin ths blog, heres a tip or two:
1-wen u feeel bad, hav choclate and herbal tea...amazin combo..oh yeh hot baths too....watchin it rain is nto a bad idea either,,,or a snset at the beach..im such a hopeless romantic...''sigh''......
2-watch a walk to rmemeber..its easier thn feelin gloomy for days and waitin for the tears to come...this is is like fatser and neater...haha..sounds like sum hair removal techinique,,faster and neater..ew........
3-listen to Let go- by frou frou..the song im obsessed with right now..............
or I'm good-tony laf.......theyll both make u feel happy..atleast they do for me...
or wen u havent realli cried yet and ur feelin heavy, listen to Fix You- coldplay......
nice songs.....
4-jus remember tht theres noone in ths world who doesnt hav sumone hurting and caring for them.............
so heres a big hug to ppl who care for me........u knw who u r..... :D
all mi crapp for now...........
eeda
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
of tiredness and nostalgia...
sumtimes in life u hav this overwhelming sense of sorrow......i guess im goin thru tht phase right now.....it'll pass soon i hope but at this moment in time, so many tiny things botherin me, mi head is about to erupt.....thoughts keep goin round and round and round......feels like the im carryin thw whole world on mi head.....
thngs arent goin gud back home, mama called to tell mi aunt and asked her not to tell me bt mi aunts never been gud with secrets...theyre havin a rough time cuz im not ther..id usualli sort it out between those 2...theres alot of housework at home and mum has to do it all..mi bros retreatin into his own shell of pain and anger and noone but me can get him out of it....cuz id listen and not judge but hes gettin screamed at by everyone.....theyre all so frustated and theyre drivin each other up the wall iin this endless circle of pain where noone can get out..
im fallin for patrick..seriousli..he didn come to uni today, his frnd took patricks phones charger with him to england by mistake,,,so i cudn contact pat...hes been goin thru a realli rough time and ordinarily, he'd tell me but i havent chatted with him either and im realli worried abt him....i hope hes okay...not onli tht , but also hav tht same insecurity creepin up on me,,,what if he neevr did like me? what if i scared him away? what if sumthin happened to him?
mi grades aren all tht great,,,its the stupid thng inn me i got geneticalli frm mi mum for perfection..i PROMISED miself i wudn b like htt, i wudn care,,,bt try as hard as i can, i cnt do it....esp not with grades,,i wnt the perfectest grades and yeh this sounds so nerdy bt i dunno..i gt a b instead of an A and i feel like im letting all of them down and all mi dads money is goin to waste and i shud push miself harder and harder,,,mum makes it clear tht she does wnt the best grades bt dads contadictory...he says its uni and noone works hard so is shud take it easy but on the other hand,shud end mi bba in 3 years and take like 6 courses and study throughout the year,,i told him i got a B for english and he said not bad, thts great,,,and next thng he said was any A's? ....its the bloody paki mentality u cnt get rid of.............they always want bloodi perfection and im sick of it and i jus wnna b freeeeee...not worry abt grades and all, but i DO worry and if i dont do awesome or sumthin i complain and feel bad with miself......i hate this feeling,,,,,,
midterms r comin up and i dnt think im prepared,,,im so damn scared ill faill or wnt do good,,,u hav to get min C+ to pass and i keep thinkin whut if i dont,,what if the 1500 dollars dad paid for one sucki course goes to waste........
and i miss home....terribly....i knw the onli reassurance i seek is in mi mums voice or mi bros or mi sis's..i talk to dad every day so thts okay..but im scared of callin..i cud call, its cheaper frm here,,i hav a callin card,,,but im scared theyll tell me abt how thngs r goin rong there and ill end up feelin even more like shit,,or worse, what if they DONT tell me whuts rong and sound sad , thtll hurt too,,,,,,,,,,whut if mum starts crying? whut am i gonna do?
as sandy said, right now, shes's feelin fucked,,and im ok,,lil worried cuz she aint ok....but if she calls and tells me all, she'll b okay but ill b fucked...........hhahaha..so its mi call.......
and i miss mi rima,,,,.....................i cud call and tell her i missed her and jus talk abt the randomest stuff and she'd listen..TO ME....she'd jus b ther and hug me in the end and say its all ok....she'd care and itd hurt her knwin im not okay........and sandy too wud hug me and laugh and laugh and laugh until id laugh....armie wud b all serious and giv advice, and b all concernd and hug too, and say itll b alright..and shed mean it...theyd all mean it... theyd all genuinely care..and i miss that feeling..........so muchh,,,,,,,,,theres frnds here yeh who make me laugh and i guess ez and me hav talked abt havin rough times at home..not in details but he jus wudn care..its jus another person tellin u their story.....patrick either,,,i dnt thnk hed care...........bianca and me hardly meet and we do,we jus all joke around....tht isnt real caring.......
thts the friendship i had in libya..it wasnt jus friendship i mean ez and pat and bi are mi frnds too but whut i had with them guys was sumthin tht went far far beyond tht.....if anyone one of us was hurt,itd hurt everyone..we'd all b ther for each other....now we're all our diff ways and sure we talk but its nt the same and it never will b like it was and tht drives me crazy........
i dunno,,,,im jus gettin moody.......prolli cuz mi aunties abt to come soon..gals u knw whut im talkin abt right? haha,,,
im tired cuz of walkin round so much..mentalli exhausted because of writin thesis's and studyin for economics...............jus so so tired......bttr go and hav a shower and herbal tea or sumthin..they make me happy.........
bfore leave,,, a lil poem i wrote..the one i started for 'Home' but now with one more verse tht still needs a lot of editin but oh well...........
They say its the best place in the world
But it means nothing to me
It ain't my home, that ain't my beach
'Cuz special they can never be.
It lacks the things, the tiny joys,
Things that made me Whole,
Mi heart ain't here, it strays to where
I found peace in mi soul..
i miss u guys alot...i found mi peace with u...................lolz....tc all
love
me,..
thngs arent goin gud back home, mama called to tell mi aunt and asked her not to tell me bt mi aunts never been gud with secrets...theyre havin a rough time cuz im not ther..id usualli sort it out between those 2...theres alot of housework at home and mum has to do it all..mi bros retreatin into his own shell of pain and anger and noone but me can get him out of it....cuz id listen and not judge but hes gettin screamed at by everyone.....theyre all so frustated and theyre drivin each other up the wall iin this endless circle of pain where noone can get out..
im fallin for patrick..seriousli..he didn come to uni today, his frnd took patricks phones charger with him to england by mistake,,,so i cudn contact pat...hes been goin thru a realli rough time and ordinarily, he'd tell me but i havent chatted with him either and im realli worried abt him....i hope hes okay...not onli tht , but also hav tht same insecurity creepin up on me,,,what if he neevr did like me? what if i scared him away? what if sumthin happened to him?
mi grades aren all tht great,,,its the stupid thng inn me i got geneticalli frm mi mum for perfection..i PROMISED miself i wudn b like htt, i wudn care,,,bt try as hard as i can, i cnt do it....esp not with grades,,i wnt the perfectest grades and yeh this sounds so nerdy bt i dunno..i gt a b instead of an A and i feel like im letting all of them down and all mi dads money is goin to waste and i shud push miself harder and harder,,,mum makes it clear tht she does wnt the best grades bt dads contadictory...he says its uni and noone works hard so is shud take it easy but on the other hand,shud end mi bba in 3 years and take like 6 courses and study throughout the year,,i told him i got a B for english and he said not bad, thts great,,,and next thng he said was any A's? ....its the bloody paki mentality u cnt get rid of.............they always want bloodi perfection and im sick of it and i jus wnna b freeeeee...not worry abt grades and all, but i DO worry and if i dont do awesome or sumthin i complain and feel bad with miself......i hate this feeling,,,,,,
midterms r comin up and i dnt think im prepared,,,im so damn scared ill faill or wnt do good,,,u hav to get min C+ to pass and i keep thinkin whut if i dont,,what if the 1500 dollars dad paid for one sucki course goes to waste........
and i miss home....terribly....i knw the onli reassurance i seek is in mi mums voice or mi bros or mi sis's..i talk to dad every day so thts okay..but im scared of callin..i cud call, its cheaper frm here,,i hav a callin card,,,but im scared theyll tell me abt how thngs r goin rong there and ill end up feelin even more like shit,,or worse, what if they DONT tell me whuts rong and sound sad , thtll hurt too,,,,,,,,,,whut if mum starts crying? whut am i gonna do?
as sandy said, right now, shes's feelin fucked,,and im ok,,lil worried cuz she aint ok....but if she calls and tells me all, she'll b okay but ill b fucked...........hhahaha..so its mi call.......
and i miss mi rima,,,,.....................i cud call and tell her i missed her and jus talk abt the randomest stuff and she'd listen..TO ME....she'd jus b ther and hug me in the end and say its all ok....she'd care and itd hurt her knwin im not okay........and sandy too wud hug me and laugh and laugh and laugh until id laugh....armie wud b all serious and giv advice, and b all concernd and hug too, and say itll b alright..and shed mean it...theyd all mean it... theyd all genuinely care..and i miss that feeling..........so muchh,,,,,,,,,theres frnds here yeh who make me laugh and i guess ez and me hav talked abt havin rough times at home..not in details but he jus wudn care..its jus another person tellin u their story.....patrick either,,,i dnt thnk hed care...........bianca and me hardly meet and we do,we jus all joke around....tht isnt real caring.......
thts the friendship i had in libya..it wasnt jus friendship i mean ez and pat and bi are mi frnds too but whut i had with them guys was sumthin tht went far far beyond tht.....if anyone one of us was hurt,itd hurt everyone..we'd all b ther for each other....now we're all our diff ways and sure we talk but its nt the same and it never will b like it was and tht drives me crazy........
i dunno,,,,im jus gettin moody.......prolli cuz mi aunties abt to come soon..gals u knw whut im talkin abt right? haha,,,
im tired cuz of walkin round so much..mentalli exhausted because of writin thesis's and studyin for economics...............jus so so tired......bttr go and hav a shower and herbal tea or sumthin..they make me happy.........
bfore leave,,, a lil poem i wrote..the one i started for 'Home' but now with one more verse tht still needs a lot of editin but oh well...........
They say its the best place in the world
But it means nothing to me
It ain't my home, that ain't my beach
'Cuz special they can never be.
It lacks the things, the tiny joys,
Things that made me Whole,
Mi heart ain't here, it strays to where
I found peace in mi soul..
i miss u guys alot...i found mi peace with u...................lolz....tc all
love
me,..
Saturday, June 16, 2007
of cross dressin, and confessions.....
heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
its been a long long long time.............i knw dont get all mad at me okay.........lolz...
soooo this has been a VERY interesting week,,,,,,,,,,,lets look at the great,the good ,the bad and the fuckin hilarious......................
first The bad,,, (noone said this would b in chronolgical order..okay..MI blog, I put bad FIRST and there aint NUTHIN u can do abt it.....hahaha...more on mi sudden flash of meaneness later.... but first,
Mi:
mistake no.1, i TRIED to abide by the law..lolz...the bus stand from which i get mi bus is a long walk from home, ie, its in a U shape,,i go all the way down the road from the house because thats where the closest zebra crossing is, and then cross the road to walk all the way back to the bus stop on the other side..so one fine day in the middle of summer, im er...RUNNING to the zebra cross, because i was late for the bus, and im waiting for the walk sign to turn on so i can cross the road, and there goes mi bus, all happily away..I WAS FUMING!!! grr..RIGHT in front of mi eyes........for the next bus i waited 15 more minutes , was 15 minutes late to class, had to read 15 minutes worth of extra lecture in mi book....moral of the story, buy an alarm clock...a reealli loud one....hahaha, and STOP following the rules....
mistake 2...my weekend, i do nuthng but work at mi 15 assignments for english i need to give in on tuesday,,( which is as a writing portfolio...won't really be marked, gives you marks for showing you are participating in class, and an extra mark for effort..but u HAVE to give them in..) so i struggle through it, get most of it done..monday night i call tina,(ALOT more on tina coming up soon..) ask her and find out the portfolios not due till NEXT week.....if i didnt fear i would be labelled insane and thrown in a mental hospital, i would have slapped myself VERY hard right then..haha..but it saves me a lot of work for next week.....
mistake 3... COLLOBORATIVE ASSIGNMENTS SUCK!!! WORKAHOLIC ENGLISH PROFFESSORS SUCK! LOUSY ENGLISH-ASSIGNMENT PARTNERS SUCK!! and obv, last but not the least, i write all this is mi blog, accessible by everyone who stumbles across this here thing, so, philosophicalli concluding, I SUCK....and yes it does take alot of balls to admit this in public,,and i dont even have any......u know whut i mean..........
Lesson learnt---------------NEVER work with a workaholic teacher ,,shes making us do an assignment worth 15% of our total grade ,in pairs.
SO oooooo,,,,this nice ,friendly chinese girl approached me , called tina, to work togther..im relieved, because i dont do ANY dirty work AND get the partner..lil yay for me! turns out, unfortunately for me, there is only 2 people in this world who tina thinks are right,,1) marlene swatsky, our english proffessor) and 2) herself...so thats NOT all great for me,,,,...
.AND shes a perfectionist too...ANOTHER yay for me..we're meeting up EVERY DAY for atleast 2-3 hours between classes, and BEFORE classes too ( i have to be at uni at 8:30 tomrow to see her before phil class which starts at 10:30) AND we're meeting on friday AND she's asking me if im doing anything on saturday and sunday? so isn't that ALL GREAT..????? ANOTHER yay for me..NOT......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........................
hmm.....after my whole complaining session, letssssss talk abt the GOOD things in life,
1) strawberry coloured yoghurt here is SO amazing
2) the weathers been nice and chilly for a week,,just like murree...AWESOME!!!!
3) bianca and ezra..haha..theyre SO hilarious.................on thursday, it was cold, ezra was in shorts again, i was feelin warm AGAIN,and i had a spare jacket AGAIN and the poor guy was shiverin so bein the 'guy' in the relationship, i gave him mi jacket..and he llookes so ADORABLE,,haha,.he goes to a gurls bathroom to see how ''hott'' he looked,,then goes and tells bianca '' u like mi new jacket, dont u dont u'' and biancas like 'its swankkk'' im jus about to DIE of laughin by tht time..hahaha.....it was hilarious..then we run in to tommy and melissa, his gf..had a nice long talk..melissas all flirtin with ez,,playin with his hair..urgh,,...i hate it wen gurls do tht....haha..no, i wasnt jealous...........haha..thennnnnn we jus started attackin ez on how 'cute' he looked..which is true......he looks 12..younger.haha..we're like we'll run his pic in the PEAK, the uni paper, and say '8 th grader lookin for hot uni gurl immediately..preferably short' hahahah........anywaysssssssss,,,thse guys invited me to go clubbin with them,bt yeh, i cnt go..i hav CURFEW remmeber? hahah .ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH....to hell with it.......so then we talked for a while,during which tommy tried to convince me i look jus like nelly furtado,,im like WHAAAA,,,,thts SO totalli random.......haha..hes like ''hey furtado'' wen he saw me ..ew...argh...haha..ez agreed...haha...these two in phil, tommy whispers sumtin to ez, and they both jus start starin at me..........im like WHAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT..haha..bt the jerks wudn tell....bt tht was the whole thng, they spent the next 10 mins starin at me to see how much i resembled her and told me latwr...annoyin..arghh..adel used to stare too, i HATE bein in the limelight like that.............................arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...anyways,,then me and ez went to sum computer lab......watched sum of ur favourite comedy videos on utube togtther......goofed round on facebook..so on.............went and had lunchhhhh, i ate pizza he didnt.....he had a headache and no appetite...we discussed thngs...patrick amongst them,ez is like he seriousli likes u..im liek whutevrrrrrr.......haha..anywayssss,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,i walk him to his bus, its not due for another 30 mins while mine comes every 5 mins.,,im like i ll wait, we hav this whole debate AGAIN abt me bein too good to ppl and him bein mean...haha....bt yeh.....i had fun with him tht day..i mean hes a reallllllllllllli nice guy, he makes me laugh and hes deep too....excepttttt,,hes short.hahaha..thts whut he says......hes like, 'i noticed ur shoes are liek bowling shoes, theyre realli flat but id HATE it wen ud wear heels...''hahhaha....tht was funni,,,,me and mellissa i swear, we cudve made him cry he was blushin so hard before...haha..we're like if he likes gurls jackets so much, we shud buy him a nice dress...lotsa frills,,,haha anywayssss..
4) the donairs here are amazing...theyre like showarma filling in a ''bag'' of bread literalli, like a theli, and its all wrapped around..point for future though, NEVER eat a donair in public, u CANNOT eat it and be decent and be dignified and hope to NOT make a mess at the same time.....NOT happening
fareeda says:
the comp is actin all silly
Nhan Nguyen says:
bring it on Monday
fareeda says:
then ur carryin my bag
Nhan Nguyen says:
I might be able to fix it
Nhan Nguyen says:
sure
fareeda says:
ohkay..lolz....ill see tho
fareeda says:
cuz i hav to go out with frnds on mondy
Nhan Nguyen says:
wow
fareeda says:
we're goin shoppin to metrotown...so yh...i dnt wnna carry it round...mayb
Nhan Nguyen says:
a date?
fareeda says:
wednesday..
fareeda says:
no its sum gurls
fareeda says:
dnt get all jealous now..and i went with u to metrotown..was that a date?
Nhan Nguyen says:
are you dating girls now ?
Nhan Nguyen says:
sum ting wong
Nhan Nguyen says:
just a Chinese name you know
fareeda says:
hahahai knw
Nhan Nguyen says:
kind of
fareeda says:
haha ...funni
fareeda says:
it was? realli? ....so are we goin on more 'dates' then
Nhan Nguyen says:
what do you think?
fareeda says:
i dunno..u tell me..ive been wonderin about it alot latelyy
Nhan Nguyen says:
I want it to be a date but I don't want to repeat my mistake before
Nhan Nguyen says:
I dated a girl when I was mad at my gf
Nhan Nguyen says:
my ex-gf
fareeda says:
so am i ur subsitute now?
Nhan Nguyen says:
I don't want you to see that way
fareeda says:
i dont
fareeda says:
i just want to knw........
Nhan Nguyen says:
I need to be single before I would officially date you
Nhan Nguyen says:
and you allow me to
fareeda says:
its not abt me allowin u............i mean...
fareeda says:
i dunno.....
fareeda says:
i understand the position ur in
fareeda says:
im not making demans
Nhan Nguyen says:
imagine we say this face to face
fareeda says:
haha...sum of mi frnds hav been pushin me to do it
fareeda says:
lolz....ask u ..wher we were goin....cuz i had no clue miself.......
fareeda says:
but i din wanna ruin our frndship..and
fareeda says:
well
fareeda says:
u do whut u think is right
Nhan Nguyen says:
I want to get to know you
fareeda says:
me too.....
fareeda says:
so.
fareeda says:
umm.....
Nhan Nguyen says:
at least we agree on that
fareeda says:
well..say sumthinnnnnn
fareeda says:
so far, i think ur a realli nice person...ur a lil too hard on ureself tho
Nhan Nguyen says:
I wonder what I am going to say, how you keep our eyes on me
fareeda says:
ur tryin to impress me?
Nhan Nguyen says:
I hope I will still be myself
Nhan Nguyen says:
my connection is not stable
Nhan Nguyen says:
sum ting wong
fareeda says:
hahhaaaaaaaa
fareeda says:
umm listen
fareeda says:
i dont judge ppl too harsh...i want them to b themselves
fareeda says:
no pretences
yeh so tht was it then....i was like WOAH bang bang bang,,,,,,,,,,,,,,hahah.,,,,,a guy tryna impress me? tht never happens okay..EVER...sum mi frnds knw why im sayin this but neways,,,,,,so yeh..we chatted..it was okay..today we chatted too...abt this and that..he sent me some old pics of him and his frnds,,,discussed how hes worried abt one of his frnds turnin out to b a druggie...so on...yeh....i told him ive been wanting to go to Robson,, dad said its a nice place,,,,he said we can go monday..bt i already hav plans for metrotown with the msa gurls..so letsee,,,anyways, theers peace now...i dnt need to worry...........abt bein a frnd or bein a gurl, i can jus b miself..lolz.
hah its late here..i did plan on writing much more but head hurtss...so more on mi sucki lil life laterrrrrr,,,,,lolzzzzzzz
all u nnosy people, stop complain,,,,,,go get ur OWN life....hahhaa
much love
me me me.
Friday, June 15, 2007
of bi-ness and cross dressin and confessions....
heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
its been a long long long time.............i knw dont get all mad at me okay.........lolz...
soooo this has been a VERY interesting week,,,,,,,,,,,lets look at the good ,the bad and the fuckin hilarious......................
first The bad,,, (noone said this would b in chronolgical order..okay..MI blog, I put bad FIRST and there aint NUTHIN u can do abt it.....hahaha...more on mi sudden flash of meaneness later.... but first,
Mi:
mistake no.1, i TRIED to abide by the law..lolz...the bus stand from which i get mi bus is a long walk from home, ie, its in a U shape,,i go all the way down the road from the house because thats where the closest zebra crossing is, and then cross the road to walk all the way back to the bus stop on the other side..so one fine day in the middle of summer, im er...RUNNING to the zebra cross, because i was late for the bus, and im waiting for the walk sign to turn on so i can cross the road, and there goes mi bus, all happily away..I WAS FUMING!!! grr..RIGHT in front of mi eyes........for the next bus i waited 15 more minutes , was 15 minutes late to class, had to read 15 minutes worth of extra lecture in mi book....moral of the story, buy an alarm clock...a reealli loud one....hahaha, and STOP following the rules....
mistake 2...my weekend, i do nuthng but work at mi 15 assignments for english i need to give in on tuesday,,( which is as a writing portfolio...won't really be marked, gives you marks for showing you are participating in class, and an extra mark for effort..but u HAVE to give them in..) so i struggle through it, get most of it done..monday night i call tina,(ALOT more on tina coming up soon..) ask her and find out the portfolios not due till NEXT week.....if i didnt fear i would be labelled insane and thrown in a mental hospital, i would have slapped myself VERY hard right then..haha..but it saves me a lot of work for next week.....
mistake 3... COLLOBORATIVE ASSIGNMENTS SUCK!!! WORKAHOLIC ENGLISH PROFFESSORS SUCK! LOUSY ENGLISH-ASSIGNMENT PARTNERS SUCK!! and obv, last but not the least, i write all this is mi blog, accessible by everyone who stumbles across this here thing, so, philosophicalli concluding, I SUCK....and yes it does take alot of balls to admit this in public,,and i dont even have any......u -know-whut i mean..........
Lesson learnt---------------NEVER work with a workaholic teacher ,,shes making us do an assignment worth 15% of our total grade ,in pairs.
SO oooooo,,,,this nice ,friendly chinese girl approached me , called tina, to work togther..im relieved, because i dont do ANY dirty work AND get the partner..lil yay for me! turns out, unfortunately for me, there is only 2 people in this world who tina thinks are right,,1) marlene swatsky, our english proffessor) and 2) herself...so thats NOT all great for me,,,,...
everytime i give an opinion that 'no, i think we should discuss so and so,,'' she'll say ' but whut I think the prof wants us to do.....''' EVEN if im agreeing with her, she finds a way to contradict what ive said...and in the end we just do whutever she says.....what a wonderfully, co-operative world it is.......
.AND shes a perfectionist too...ANOTHER yay for me..we're meeting up EVERY DAY for atleast 2-3 hours between classes, and BEFORE classes too ( i have to be at uni at 8:30 tomrow to see her before phil class which starts at 10:30) AND we're meeting on friday AND she's asking me if im doing anything on saturday and sunday? so isn't that ALL GREAT..????? ANOTHER yay for me..NOT......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........................
kher,again, kiya hai jo pyaar to parhay ga nibahana..I DO still love english, too bad ammi and abu, all your dreams have been foiled.....hahahha...so ill manage with her and ''we'' will manage to get the work done....
hmm.....after my whole complaining session, letssssss talk abt the GOOD things in life,
1) strawberry coloured yoghurt here is SO amazing
2) the weathers been nice and chilly for a week,,just like murree...AWESOME!!!!
3) ive got 2 really good friends in philosophy here, that makes life a lot of fun.......class is NOT boring any more (english is) and tutorials with discussions are greatttttttttt because we're divided in 2 groups and im the UNspoken head of one of them..haha..whenever theres an argument , they just ask me to speak on behalf of our group..or to write down the argument..hahahha....AND the TA (tutorial assitant, teacher for the tutorial) LIKES me...( big surprise) its the Curse Of the Teachers Pet (ness), U Can Run But U Cant Hide....hahah..
she thinks that evryone writes the essay just for the sake of getting it over and done with, but im the only one who thought about it out of class and came up with a whole number of stands u can take to that problem and REALLi thought about it..., and i took a very different stand and backed it up nicely too..so thats ALL gud....hahhaa....
4) the donairs here are amazing...theyre like showarma filling in a ''bag'' of bread literalli, like a theli, and its all wrapped around..point for future though, NEVER eat a donair in public, u CANNOT eat it and be decent and be dignified and hope to NOT make a mess at the same time.....NOT happening..
im out of good things,,,,,,,little tidbits of news now,,hmm,
,
shazia aunti got a new car,
moiz joined a new school and today was day one,,,,he announced he likes it and Eeryone breathes a sigh of relief..
the sole of mi joggers are coming off and i need to buy new shoes IMMEDIATELY over this weekend..or else tape the shoes onto mi feet to prevent them from falling off, and hey, it's actually a good idea, then i CAN put a sign on my head saying -( No,My shoes are NOT ripping apart, its Just a brand new Armani.....U, un-cool person, wouldn't understand..)...hahhah.......
( khalas insisting i go to an orthopedic clinic here first who make you custom made soles for like 30 dollars tht you can put inside virtualli every shoe , expensive or cheap ,and wearing it helps your back posture and all, cuz its custom made) i dont think theres any big neccessity for it right now, i mean i went 18 years without custom-made anything ,except for eid clothes, and maybe haircuts,,and the ''special'' food amma made in libya the week before i left........AHHHHHHHHHH....
now im getting all nostalgic again..I had a Huge attack of 'i miss mi family and libya' yesterday evening , which was eventually cured by the gorgeous mausam here...(and by the polkarama song Nizam...thanks....lolz....)...tsk tsk.....i hope for the sake of my parhai, it DOESNT happen in the next 2 weeks, I have 2 midterms exams after 2 weeks and one on july 5.....they should be okay, theyre all worth only 15, 20% of total grade.......
its been a long long long time.............i knw dont get all mad at me okay.........lolz...
soooo this has been a VERY interesting week,,,,,,,,,,,lets look at the good ,the bad and the fuckin hilarious......................
first The bad,,, (noone said this would b in chronolgical order..okay..MI blog, I put bad FIRST and there aint NUTHIN u can do abt it.....hahaha...more on mi sudden flash of meaneness later.... but first,
Mi:
mistake no.1, i TRIED to abide by the law..lolz...the bus stand from which i get mi bus is a long walk from home, ie, its in a U shape,,i go all the way down the road from the house because thats where the closest zebra crossing is, and then cross the road to walk all the way back to the bus stop on the other side..so one fine day in the middle of summer, im er...RUNNING to the zebra cross, because i was late for the bus, and im waiting for the walk sign to turn on so i can cross the road, and there goes mi bus, all happily away..I WAS FUMING!!! grr..RIGHT in front of mi eyes........for the next bus i waited 15 more minutes , was 15 minutes late to class, had to read 15 minutes worth of extra lecture in mi book....moral of the story, buy an alarm clock...a reealli loud one....hahaha, and STOP following the rules....
mistake 2...my weekend, i do nuthng but work at mi 15 assignments for english i need to give in on tuesday,,( which is as a writing portfolio...won't really be marked, gives you marks for showing you are participating in class, and an extra mark for effort..but u HAVE to give them in..) so i struggle through it, get most of it done..monday night i call tina,(ALOT more on tina coming up soon..) ask her and find out the portfolios not due till NEXT week.....if i didnt fear i would be labelled insane and thrown in a mental hospital, i would have slapped myself VERY hard right then..haha..but it saves me a lot of work for next week.....
mistake 3... COLLOBORATIVE ASSIGNMENTS SUCK!!! WORKAHOLIC ENGLISH PROFFESSORS SUCK! LOUSY ENGLISH-ASSIGNMENT PARTNERS SUCK!! and obv, last but not the least, i write all this is mi blog, accessible by everyone who stumbles across this here thing, so, philosophicalli concluding, I SUCK....and yes it does take alot of balls to admit this in public,,and i dont even have any......u -know-whut i mean..........
Lesson learnt---------------NEVER work with a workaholic teacher ,,shes making us do an assignment worth 15% of our total grade ,in pairs.
SO oooooo,,,,this nice ,friendly chinese girl approached me , called tina, to work togther..im relieved, because i dont do ANY dirty work AND get the partner..lil yay for me! turns out, unfortunately for me, there is only 2 people in this world who tina thinks are right,,1) marlene swatsky, our english proffessor) and 2) herself...so thats NOT all great for me,,,,...
everytime i give an opinion that 'no, i think we should discuss so and so,,'' she'll say ' but whut I think the prof wants us to do.....''' EVEN if im agreeing with her, she finds a way to contradict what ive said...and in the end we just do whutever she says.....what a wonderfully, co-operative world it is........AND shes a perfectionist too...ANOTHER yay for me..we're meeting up EVERY DAY for atleast 2-3 hours between classes, and BEFORE classes too ( i have to be at uni at 8:30 tomrow to see her before phil class which starts at 10:30) AND we're meeting on friday AND she's asking me if im doing anything on saturday and sunday? so isn't that ALL GREAT..????? ANOTHER yay for me..NOT......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..........................
kher,again, kiya hai jo pyaar to parhay ga nibahana..I DO still love english, too bad ammi and abu, all your dreams have been foiled.....hahahha...so ill manage with her and ''we'' will manage to get the work done....
hmm.....after my whole complaining session, letssssss talk abt the GOOD things in life,
1) strawberry coloured yoghurt here is SO amazing
2) the weathers been nice and chilly for a week,,just like murree...AWESOME!!!!
3) ive got 2 really good friends in philosophy here, that makes life a lot of fun.......class is NOT boring any more (english is) and tutorials with discussions are greatttttttttt because we're divided in 2 groups and im the UNspoken head of one of them..haha..whenever theres an argument , they just ask me to speak on behalf of our group..or to write down the argument..hahahha....AND the TA (tutorial assitant, teacher for the tutorial) LIKES me...( big surprise) its the Curse Of the Teachers Pet (ness), U Can Run But U Cant Hide....hahah..
she thinks that evryone writes the essay just for the sake of getting it over and done with, but im the only one who thought about it out of class and came up with a whole number of stands u can take to that problem and REALLi thought about it..., and i took a very different stand and backed it up nicely too..so thats ALL gud....hahhaa....
4) the donairs here are amazing...theyre like showarma filling in a ''bag'' of bread literalli, like a theli, and its all wrapped around..point for future though, NEVER eat a donair in public, u CANNOT eat it and be decent and be dignified and hope to NOT make a mess at the same time.....NOT happening..
im out of good things,,,,,,,little tidbits of news now,,hmm,
,
shazia aunti got a new car,
moiz joined a new school and today was day one,,,,he announced he likes it and Eeryone breathes a sigh of relief..
the sole of mi joggers are coming off and i need to buy new shoes IMMEDIATELY over this weekend..or else tape the shoes onto mi feet to prevent them from falling off, and hey, it's actually a good idea, then i CAN put a sign on my head saying -( No,My shoes are NOT ripping apart, its Just a brand new Armani.....U, un-cool person, wouldn't understand..)...hahhah.......
( khalas insisting i go to an orthopedic clinic here first who make you custom made soles for like 30 dollars tht you can put inside virtualli every shoe , expensive or cheap ,and wearing it helps your back posture and all, cuz its custom made) i dont think theres any big neccessity for it right now, i mean i went 18 years without custom-made anything ,except for eid clothes, and maybe haircuts,,and the ''special'' food amma made in libya the week before i left........AHHHHHHHHHH....
now im getting all nostalgic again..I had a Huge attack of 'i miss mi family and libya' yesterday evening , which was eventually cured by the gorgeous mausam here...(and by the polkarama song Nizam...thanks....lolz....)...tsk tsk.....i hope for the sake of my parhai, it DOESNT happen in the next 2 weeks, I have 2 midterms exams after 2 weeks and one on july 5.....they should be okay, theyre all worth only 15, 20% of total grade.......
Monday, June 11, 2007
the After
so yeh,, after the adventure hahah,, was the long BORING old weekend.....i had a lot of work to do, for midterms coming up and assignments and whut not, BUT in the path of mi so called 'noble and er..wise'' intentions was...Facebook....and hotmail,,,yes....those bloody,treacherous lil..er.....Traitors....hahah....honestly im gettin So addicted to them its not even funni...hahhaa...i need (internet) rehab..........i mean, hey, it IS the Paris Hilton/Spears/Lohan generation after all,,,so i HAVE to pick up sumthing from them.... :)hahahah
hmm..well on the weekend we, aunt's family and me that is, went to richmond center,,,it was okay....bought a couple of bead necklaces,,,,got a whole lecture aftrwards frm mum ,'STOP buyin jewellery....'' thts another one of mi obsessions btw, aftr books,music,facebook and msn....more will be added later....no, Patrick is not on the list....neither is ezra,,,or for those who know him, jasem.....thts an old story......and no, im NOT lying,,,,,,,,Glareeeee....hahaaa...
so i chatted with anas,luby,and rima ,,,,,,tht was a lot of fun..reminded me of my more immature days and ways..hahaha.....we talked about evrything frm whut colour bras they like their gurls to wear.........(i mean Ew....seriously? who gives a damn??????apart frm the (slutty?!?!?) girl in question) it was mostly anas talkin abt that stuff tho,,big surprise.......haha...we discussed bio classees and Obviously, no philosophical discussion regarding perversion and other things of that ewwwyyy-nature is ever complete without suomone mentioning Adel....atleast once....hahah...
he was again one of those weird weird people ive met in life....in class he'd be all suave,and cool...out on the streets, cuz he lived close to mi home, he'd be nice and polite to me....hed help alia bully me wen she was in one of her -lemme-claw-the-eyes-out-of-this-here-poor-thng (tht poor thng Always sumhow being me,..) but Adel always used to apologise for it afterwards.....he was a wacko like that....and yeh i miss him...and thse days.............
anddddddddddddd back to the point, i chatted with Ezra...haha....i swear hes one guy i so totalli get along with..like how i Used to get along with Anas,,once upon a time.....we used to talk abt anything and evrything., frm sandra bullock to relationships to family values to bein a rebel to new found ineterest in everything of the opposite gendar cuz of beiin a teen now.......it was so............comfortable with him...haha..tths how it is with ez,,,thts the best thng........i talked abt all kinds of random stuff with him,,,,mayb a lil rated er....R,haha pg-16 or sumthin,,,hahaha.....but it was comfortable and i swear he's SO adorable in tht he's so old-school abt a lot of thngs,,,,,,,,like guys shudn talk abt their ,,wen-im-loneli-in-the-night-i (do so on and so on...).....experiences......im sorry i cnt use the word here, itd be too disgusting me reading over it all later ..(like wth was i thinkin writin that on a public online place.....WAIT, whut the hell AM i thinking?) hahahha,,,,,,so yeh,,hes not chivalorous, but hes kind and Sweet and i-dnt-fall-for-girl-with-big-assets so to speak....even tho im sure he does...i mean heck, all guys do okay...for any gurl readin this, i can SEE u nod....any guys readin this, DONT bother saying wtf,,cuz its true and u know it....hahha..
so yh...............lifes goin on....today i went to uni super early cuz the prof had said it wud b an imp lecture...start of class, this delivery guy comes in with a HUGE bouquet of roses,,,and i do mean HUGE,,,,,,all nicely done..gives to prof,...i meant not TO the prof cuz thatd jus b gay, but to the prof to pass it on to whoever its for...,prof writes the name of the gurl its meant for on the wall.....(bad luck,,it aint me...hahaha...like i give a damn..how embarrasing!!!! ).....we wait,,girl comes down all a-blushing and takes the roses away...anddddddddd its the SECOND time its happened..anddddddddddddd its not even Vals day!!!! whoever said ppl dnt get wacko ideas from romantic movies was a big fat jerk and didnt knw whut the hell he was talkin about..( in that case, said person wud be ME as i belive nothin romantic can ever happen in real life..love and all is just Bull-you-know-whut..) but well we hav 2 examples right there!!! freaky.......
i mean its not true love though okay...,,i mean its whut we believe how true love shud be like,,,,,,all roses and choclate hearts and confetti and stupid cupids and the titanic theme song....well, HELLOOOO, slap slap!!! life aint like that okay!!!! ...wake up,..the amount of people tht 'love' happens to is like 3% of the whole entire world...AND thats wen i exaggerate it.......yeh, anyways enuf of me and mi pessimistic outlook on life and love...........BUT ITS STILL TRUE...another thng u dont wanna argue with me about,.....
patrick comes into class,sits a seat away frm me...i get pissed,i mean seriousli DUDE....wen we're on the bus or at the movies u sit in the next seat and in class ur miles away...JERK....gr..anyways in the break between, i ended up scootin over,,NOT because i wanted to or anythin, im too proud for tht hahaha,,i mean hello, i may look like crap and be completly nerdy or whutevr BUT i had do have SOME dignity...i mean ever heard of GURL POWER????? paki pride???/hahah....
nah its jus we had to discuss some math problem we were meant to solve for economics...but anyways,,,afterwards we did our assignmnets togther,,went to the CornerStone Mall to have lunch..i had a donair and he, a pizza and i made as a mess of it..as always..i mean NOONE can have that huge donair without making a mess okay..in that respect i think i did pretty okay.........id certainly get an A for effort ..so thts okay..........
thennnn we walked back, sat in an empty classroom,,discuss past loves/relationships/his work/weight and why i dont give a shit abt bein thin or not and he gives a shit abt not bein so thin...dnt geme wrong, hes not fat or anythin..sheesh the man goes walkin up a mmountain which is a 1 hour walk atleast TWICE a week..... haha...
anyways........he told me he was delaying his grad cuz his parents said theyd separate at the end of his grad, so he had been putting it off,,but the time had come...i asked him how he felt abt it and he jus shrugged it off but i cud tell he felt pretty bad..i mean who wudnt,, u knw?u cud tell by how he looked away..i swear parents can b soo bad sumtimes..........
anywayssss,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the most important part is,, i DIDNT ask him where our relationship (if we have one) was goin, as tommy and dorothy and rima had asked me to do,,cuz obv i mean its SO damn confusing goin round in circles like this,,,BUT i dint wnna spoil whut we had, i mean have,,,by asking,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so i didnt..but the other reason was,,,more importantly,,,,today wen i saw him or we talked i felt nuthin..no spark, nothing....jus a good-friends conversation and i realised i was bein a fool AGAIN for reading too much into it...so im going to let it go,...............,ive decided,,,,,,he'll jus always b a gud frnd and if he wants more, he'll ha to ask................
hmmmmm.........................mi horoscope on facebook was pretty damn true today....its abt me bein in a sticky situation and handling it like ive handled previous similar ones...okay, previous one, hm,,lemme remember ( calender shuffles pages backwards like in a horror movie..).....me and a guy stare at each other for 5 years ,,,and in the end, i run away evrytime...like a tragic indian movie heroine, goin 'Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!...'' haha..so whut did i lrn, DONT run away fmr ur problems and expect them to be like good children and stop fighting and sit and wait in a corner for you wen u cum back,, jus get up and er...SLAP them in the face,,,,,yeh.....i never knew id be soo cold....oh well, shit happens...Lifes a bitch....Thank u Shinkins for teachin me all that....rather than having life teach me that little by little....
mi fortune cookie said mi soul mate is sumone i already knw...HAHAH..yeh , who cud it possibly be???? theatrical sigh............hahah
so me and pat came home togther..i feel asleep on the bus afterwards tho, got off 3 stops too late, had to come back home by a different bus and was late by an hour..started working on some pretty long english assignments, called tina to check whther theyre bein graded or not, realise theyre not due till next week,,cursed miself,,felt light hearted,,OBV celebrated by facebookin' for the next 4 hours ANDDD thought abt doin mi phil assignment..prolli shud b doin that now..gud idea....haha
ohh, dad bought a Mercedes.....haha..can u imagine? MI DAD!!! hahaha..its a dark greenish black colour with a fridge and a cd player and got knws whut..hahah..im glad for them,i realli realli am..very jealous too, that i cant be ther to ride in it, and prolli wnt get it to see it till december, but im happy cuz whut with dad bein all stressed all the time, this is a nice change..he'll b happy for a while becuase of it...and mum and nijo and dj too...and mi mum WAS saying we're doin all the little thngs we can to be happy to help us feel less sad abt missin u all the time....that broke mi heart......but theyre good for now....... they'll b happy..and ill b fine........
enuf goeey shtuff,,to be FINE, i mus DO FINE (or preferabli....better than fine.....) in my assignments....startin NOW...so hahha....long long post......best b goinnnnnnnnnnn.............see all u lousy SUCKAHS whore (not whore or a slut ....but who ARE minus all the punctuaution to make the differnce between a pronoun and a hoe) botherin to read mi blog ,,,sheesh for a gurl who wears a scarf and has to exhibit piety at all times, im doin an EXCELLENT job, dont u think??????hahaha........thtts the thought for the day folks,,,,,,,,
love u all.......
me me me me ma ma muhummmmmmm........
hmm..well on the weekend we, aunt's family and me that is, went to richmond center,,,it was okay....bought a couple of bead necklaces,,,,got a whole lecture aftrwards frm mum ,'STOP buyin jewellery....'' thts another one of mi obsessions btw, aftr books,music,facebook and msn....more will be added later....no, Patrick is not on the list....neither is ezra,,,or for those who know him, jasem.....thts an old story......and no, im NOT lying,,,,,,,,Glareeeee....hahaaa...
so i chatted with anas,luby,and rima ,,,,,,tht was a lot of fun..reminded me of my more immature days and ways..hahaha.....we talked about evrything frm whut colour bras they like their gurls to wear.........(i mean Ew....seriously? who gives a damn??????apart frm the (slutty?!?!?) girl in question) it was mostly anas talkin abt that stuff tho,,big surprise.......haha...we discussed bio classees and Obviously, no philosophical discussion regarding perversion and other things of that ewwwyyy-nature is ever complete without suomone mentioning Adel....atleast once....hahah...
he was again one of those weird weird people ive met in life....in class he'd be all suave,and cool...out on the streets, cuz he lived close to mi home, he'd be nice and polite to me....hed help alia bully me wen she was in one of her -lemme-claw-the-eyes-out-of-this-here-poor-thng (tht poor thng Always sumhow being me,..) but Adel always used to apologise for it afterwards.....he was a wacko like that....and yeh i miss him...and thse days.............
anddddddddddddd back to the point, i chatted with Ezra...haha....i swear hes one guy i so totalli get along with..like how i Used to get along with Anas,,once upon a time.....we used to talk abt anything and evrything., frm sandra bullock to relationships to family values to bein a rebel to new found ineterest in everything of the opposite gendar cuz of beiin a teen now.......it was so............comfortable with him...haha..tths how it is with ez,,,thts the best thng........i talked abt all kinds of random stuff with him,,,,mayb a lil rated er....R,haha pg-16 or sumthin,,,hahaha.....but it was comfortable and i swear he's SO adorable in tht he's so old-school abt a lot of thngs,,,,,,,,like guys shudn talk abt their ,,wen-im-loneli-in-the-night-i (do so on and so on...).....experiences......im sorry i cnt use the word here, itd be too disgusting me reading over it all later ..(like wth was i thinkin writin that on a public online place.....WAIT, whut the hell AM i thinking?) hahahha,,,,,,so yeh,,hes not chivalorous, but hes kind and Sweet and i-dnt-fall-for-girl-with-big-assets so to speak....even tho im sure he does...i mean heck, all guys do okay...for any gurl readin this, i can SEE u nod....any guys readin this, DONT bother saying wtf,,cuz its true and u know it....hahha..
so yh...............lifes goin on....today i went to uni super early cuz the prof had said it wud b an imp lecture...start of class, this delivery guy comes in with a HUGE bouquet of roses,,,and i do mean HUGE,,,,,,all nicely done..gives to prof,...i meant not TO the prof cuz thatd jus b gay, but to the prof to pass it on to whoever its for...,prof writes the name of the gurl its meant for on the wall.....(bad luck,,it aint me...hahaha...like i give a damn..how embarrasing!!!! ).....we wait,,girl comes down all a-blushing and takes the roses away...anddddddddd its the SECOND time its happened..anddddddddddddd its not even Vals day!!!! whoever said ppl dnt get wacko ideas from romantic movies was a big fat jerk and didnt knw whut the hell he was talkin about..( in that case, said person wud be ME as i belive nothin romantic can ever happen in real life..love and all is just Bull-you-know-whut..) but well we hav 2 examples right there!!! freaky.......
i mean its not true love though okay...,,i mean its whut we believe how true love shud be like,,,,,,all roses and choclate hearts and confetti and stupid cupids and the titanic theme song....well, HELLOOOO, slap slap!!! life aint like that okay!!!! ...wake up,..the amount of people tht 'love' happens to is like 3% of the whole entire world...AND thats wen i exaggerate it.......yeh, anyways enuf of me and mi pessimistic outlook on life and love...........BUT ITS STILL TRUE...another thng u dont wanna argue with me about,.....
patrick comes into class,sits a seat away frm me...i get pissed,i mean seriousli DUDE....wen we're on the bus or at the movies u sit in the next seat and in class ur miles away...JERK....gr..anyways in the break between, i ended up scootin over,,NOT because i wanted to or anythin, im too proud for tht hahaha,,i mean hello, i may look like crap and be completly nerdy or whutevr BUT i had do have SOME dignity...i mean ever heard of GURL POWER????? paki pride???/hahah....
nah its jus we had to discuss some math problem we were meant to solve for economics...but anyways,,,afterwards we did our assignmnets togther,,went to the CornerStone Mall to have lunch..i had a donair and he, a pizza and i made as a mess of it..as always..i mean NOONE can have that huge donair without making a mess okay..in that respect i think i did pretty okay.........id certainly get an A for effort ..so thts okay..........
thennnn we walked back, sat in an empty classroom,,discuss past loves/relationships/his work/weight and why i dont give a shit abt bein thin or not and he gives a shit abt not bein so thin...dnt geme wrong, hes not fat or anythin..sheesh the man goes walkin up a mmountain which is a 1 hour walk atleast TWICE a week..... haha...
anyways........he told me he was delaying his grad cuz his parents said theyd separate at the end of his grad, so he had been putting it off,,but the time had come...i asked him how he felt abt it and he jus shrugged it off but i cud tell he felt pretty bad..i mean who wudnt,, u knw?u cud tell by how he looked away..i swear parents can b soo bad sumtimes..........
anywayssss,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,the most important part is,, i DIDNT ask him where our relationship (if we have one) was goin, as tommy and dorothy and rima had asked me to do,,cuz obv i mean its SO damn confusing goin round in circles like this,,,BUT i dint wnna spoil whut we had, i mean have,,,by asking,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,so i didnt..but the other reason was,,,more importantly,,,,today wen i saw him or we talked i felt nuthin..no spark, nothing....jus a good-friends conversation and i realised i was bein a fool AGAIN for reading too much into it...so im going to let it go,...............,ive decided,,,,,,he'll jus always b a gud frnd and if he wants more, he'll ha to ask................
hmmmmm.........................mi horoscope on facebook was pretty damn true today....its abt me bein in a sticky situation and handling it like ive handled previous similar ones...okay, previous one, hm,,lemme remember ( calender shuffles pages backwards like in a horror movie..).....me and a guy stare at each other for 5 years ,,,and in the end, i run away evrytime...like a tragic indian movie heroine, goin 'Nooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!...'' haha..so whut did i lrn, DONT run away fmr ur problems and expect them to be like good children and stop fighting and sit and wait in a corner for you wen u cum back,, jus get up and er...SLAP them in the face,,,,,yeh.....i never knew id be soo cold....oh well, shit happens...Lifes a bitch....Thank u Shinkins for teachin me all that....rather than having life teach me that little by little....
mi fortune cookie said mi soul mate is sumone i already knw...HAHAH..yeh , who cud it possibly be???? theatrical sigh............hahah
so me and pat came home togther..i feel asleep on the bus afterwards tho, got off 3 stops too late, had to come back home by a different bus and was late by an hour..started working on some pretty long english assignments, called tina to check whther theyre bein graded or not, realise theyre not due till next week,,cursed miself,,felt light hearted,,OBV celebrated by facebookin' for the next 4 hours ANDDD thought abt doin mi phil assignment..prolli shud b doin that now..gud idea....haha
ohh, dad bought a Mercedes.....haha..can u imagine? MI DAD!!! hahaha..its a dark greenish black colour with a fridge and a cd player and got knws whut..hahah..im glad for them,i realli realli am..very jealous too, that i cant be ther to ride in it, and prolli wnt get it to see it till december, but im happy cuz whut with dad bein all stressed all the time, this is a nice change..he'll b happy for a while becuase of it...and mum and nijo and dj too...and mi mum WAS saying we're doin all the little thngs we can to be happy to help us feel less sad abt missin u all the time....that broke mi heart......but theyre good for now....... they'll b happy..and ill b fine........
enuf goeey shtuff,,to be FINE, i mus DO FINE (or preferabli....better than fine.....) in my assignments....startin NOW...so hahha....long long post......best b goinnnnnnnnnnn.............see all u lousy SUCKAHS whore (not whore or a slut ....but who ARE minus all the punctuaution to make the differnce between a pronoun and a hoe) botherin to read mi blog ,,,sheesh for a gurl who wears a scarf and has to exhibit piety at all times, im doin an EXCELLENT job, dont u think??????hahaha........thtts the thought for the day folks,,,,,,,,
love u all.......
me me me me ma ma muhummmmmmm........
Friday, June 8, 2007
mi big adventure...
well ,ok,,not realli an adventure, but i dint know whut else to say....i was too tired yesterday to write mi blog so heres TWO days worth of whut happened..well the weather yesterday was realli nice,,,,,all gud ....i go to class, sit next to ezra and tommy,,,bianca comes..we chat and listen to horban and so on..i give them candy and hershey's kisses......( im tellin u this bcuz its imp for later) then class ends, and then bianca goes away lookin for her frnds and yeh..im walkin with tommy and ez and ez is suddenli like i feel dizzy, i think we need to sit for a while,,anddd,,well lemme write it down convo stlye, so its fun-ner....hahah..okay,so.............
ez-i feel dizzy, i need to sit down
me-i think u need to have sugar ,like gatorade (juice) or chocolate or sumthin,,
tommy-(looking at me) i think he needs a kiss
(awkward pause...)
tommy-i mean hershey's kisses
me-err...okay,,,(laugh),,ez u want sum?
ez-nah im fine,,thnx,,,
talk abt super duper weird...hahaha..and thn tommy went away with his gf, and i walked ezra to his bus stand BECAUSE i had to go to the post office which was close by okay? there, perfectly good excuse....well, its the TRUTH...haha..so anyways, we talk for a while...i mention abt hw pat has a gf already or sumthin...ez is surprised, like thts weird tht he has a gf but will go with u to see a movie......anyways, he goes,,,i do some work,,,meet mi phil TA and she tells me im doin above average in class...so thts all gud.
.i come home,,,sleep, wake up and work,,,,,,,,,,,,,,patrick calls on mi mobile and tells me theres three movies we can see the next day,pirates of the carribean or knocked up or...hmm..whut was the third one,,i think shrek but im not sure...so we agree to meet at metro town station and decide ther,,,,,,,,,,,,sooooooo...i work , then hav a shower,,,,then sleep..
in the morning i keep gttin jittery and wake up every half an hour...cuz im nervous and all.....sooo, i finnali get out of bed around 9:30 and go online..see rima,,she wishes me 'best frnds day' and gives gud,sane advice..feelin better,i gt dressed and all.
.got to the station, see patrick...he says i look realli nice..(yeh,wutever!!)sooo,,we walk to the movie place,,i tell him im buying my ticket and hes like 'nopes,im paying' im like ' i onli let u pay for lunch last time so itd b my turn this time' and hes like ' okay okay, u pay for the drinks and stuff' and im like ' no, thtd b cheaper', and hes like 'no,it isnt,,,its the same price.....'
But it tturns out that it Is cheaper,,,, the tickets cost sumthin like 22 dollars and the drinks and the popcorn about 16 dollars,,so yeh..too bad..anyways we end up watchin POTC3 and thts whut we both wanted to watch tho it was tough deciding cuz we both were too shy to admit we wanted to watch the same movie incase the other person wanted to watch sumthin else,,,.anyways ...........we go and see the movie...its okay...great graphics but no corny humour, no reall johnny depp-ness and so on..just an okay movie. ery very very long tho.....and it didnt have any intermission either....
.well movie ends and we ride togther to my sky train station and i thank him and tell him ill see him monday....so thts all for the BIG adventure...hahaha....
well yeh on the way to the movie today i read mi horoscope on the newspaper, and it says ' an adventurer is caught red-handed' and tht freaked me for a while..hahaha...cuz mi aunt onli knew im goin to uni to attend some workshop for mi english essay..hahaha...so yeh,, i DIDN wnna lie but theres no other choice...i mean it WASNT a date with patrick okay, but yeh i cudn jus say, 'im goin to watch a movie with a guy frnd of mine'..hahaha...let alone 'im goin to watch a movie.'..im jus startin out and she says i shudn get around so yeh..whut she doesn knw wont hurt her....so anywayssssssssssssssssssssssss,,,thts all thts happenin in my life right now..apart frm the billion gazzellion assignments i need to give in for english...so yeh i shud prolly be gttin back to that now..more on this later...............
all for now,,,,,,
me me me
ps...a prvt msg goin out to sumone, HAPPY BEST FRNDS DAY,,,u knw who u are, jahil jahil,....and thnx for the card,...i realli realli miss u too....and yh, im lookin round for a card for u too, bt cnt find a good one..for now, listen to umbrella, by rihanna ,,thts mi dedication for u aite!!! tcccccccc
ez-i feel dizzy, i need to sit down
me-i think u need to have sugar ,like gatorade (juice) or chocolate or sumthin,,
tommy-(looking at me) i think he needs a kiss
(awkward pause...)
tommy-i mean hershey's kisses
me-err...okay,,,(laugh),,ez u want sum?
ez-nah im fine,,thnx,,,
talk abt super duper weird...hahaha..and thn tommy went away with his gf, and i walked ezra to his bus stand BECAUSE i had to go to the post office which was close by okay? there, perfectly good excuse....well, its the TRUTH...haha..so anyways, we talk for a while...i mention abt hw pat has a gf already or sumthin...ez is surprised, like thts weird tht he has a gf but will go with u to see a movie......anyways, he goes,,,i do some work,,,meet mi phil TA and she tells me im doin above average in class...so thts all gud.
.i come home,,,sleep, wake up and work,,,,,,,,,,,,,,patrick calls on mi mobile and tells me theres three movies we can see the next day,pirates of the carribean or knocked up or...hmm..whut was the third one,,i think shrek but im not sure...so we agree to meet at metro town station and decide ther,,,,,,,,,,,,sooooooo...i work , then hav a shower,,,,then sleep..
in the morning i keep gttin jittery and wake up every half an hour...cuz im nervous and all.....sooo, i finnali get out of bed around 9:30 and go online..see rima,,she wishes me 'best frnds day' and gives gud,sane advice..feelin better,i gt dressed and all.
.got to the station, see patrick...he says i look realli nice..(yeh,wutever!!)sooo,,we walk to the movie place,,i tell him im buying my ticket and hes like 'nopes,im paying' im like ' i onli let u pay for lunch last time so itd b my turn this time' and hes like ' okay okay, u pay for the drinks and stuff' and im like ' no, thtd b cheaper', and hes like 'no,it isnt,,,its the same price.....'
But it tturns out that it Is cheaper,,,, the tickets cost sumthin like 22 dollars and the drinks and the popcorn about 16 dollars,,so yeh..too bad..anyways we end up watchin POTC3 and thts whut we both wanted to watch tho it was tough deciding cuz we both were too shy to admit we wanted to watch the same movie incase the other person wanted to watch sumthin else,,,.anyways ...........we go and see the movie...its okay...great graphics but no corny humour, no reall johnny depp-ness and so on..just an okay movie. ery very very long tho.....and it didnt have any intermission either....
.well movie ends and we ride togther to my sky train station and i thank him and tell him ill see him monday....so thts all for the BIG adventure...hahaha....
well yeh on the way to the movie today i read mi horoscope on the newspaper, and it says ' an adventurer is caught red-handed' and tht freaked me for a while..hahaha...cuz mi aunt onli knew im goin to uni to attend some workshop for mi english essay..hahaha...so yeh,, i DIDN wnna lie but theres no other choice...i mean it WASNT a date with patrick okay, but yeh i cudn jus say, 'im goin to watch a movie with a guy frnd of mine'..hahaha...let alone 'im goin to watch a movie.'..im jus startin out and she says i shudn get around so yeh..whut she doesn knw wont hurt her....so anywayssssssssssssssssssssssss,,,thts all thts happenin in my life right now..apart frm the billion gazzellion assignments i need to give in for english...so yeh i shud prolly be gttin back to that now..more on this later...............
all for now,,,,,,
me me me
ps...a prvt msg goin out to sumone, HAPPY BEST FRNDS DAY,,,u knw who u are, jahil jahil,....and thnx for the card,...i realli realli miss u too....and yh, im lookin round for a card for u too, bt cnt find a good one..for now, listen to umbrella, by rihanna ,,thts mi dedication for u aite!!! tcccccccc
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
my bad!!!
im
bein' the Stranger
bein' the Me
wanting too much
that i can never Be.
sum days start out right .....sum dont................ today was an okay day..the weather was rainy and wet, i missed the bus, was late fro class by 15 mins and other bad news which im about to explain..............so yh i meet pat and i ask abt his offer for firday and if it still stands..he says yes, i say okay then ill see the movie with u...but its class so we cant talk much...after class we roam around alot,,,,andddddddddddddddddddddd i ask about him whther he has a gf or nott...ANDDDDDDDDDDDD he does!!!! :(:(:(:(:((:(....talk abt makin a fool of miself......and thn later on i read mi horoscope on facebook and its like -be wary of a newperson entering ur life,,,its not tht u cant trust them, u might bot b able to trust urself.'' i mean how true cud u get...ufffffff.....................i mistook his chivalry for flirtin,,,all tht 'lemme hold ur bag for ', and his openin doors for me and paying for mi lunch and walkin me to class and all..i dunno WHUT i was thinkin....anyways,,,im still goin with him to see pirattes of the carribean or whutevers playin at around 12 or 1 ish on friday afternoon,,,,we're gnna meet up at metrotown station and go to the mall ther...........
.whut else happened.....well yeh he told me alot abt himself and his family and his gf,,shes 16 and still in high school, hes 24 btw.................and well theyve been goin out for 8 months and well after the first 2 weeks he wanted to break up with her because as he says, every gurl has the same problem with him,,,,,he never has time for them,..and she was the same..so he wanted to quit early bt turns out her mums divorcin her stepdad at tht time, and her mums like a gambler.....and shes like indebted like for about 200grand..........and thts pretty crazy..so the gurl has to fight off guys comin back for the money and stoppin her mum frm sellin evrything and studies and exams and her mother tellin her abt her suicide attempt and all...thats pretty tough for a gurl..in sum abstract way,,,i can relate to her................but no more details abt that here..
..in any case ,he says if he breaks up ,it'll b like killin her..shes totalli reliant on him,,,so yh,he's stuck.i told rima abt this and shes like mayb he does like u but is in a relationship ant cant get out of it,,,but check this out....i ask him if theres any other gurl hed consider dating,,or so on and hes like 'two..i cnt handle 2,' so yh....i dunno..anyways thts the end of tht aite.............i mean u knw jus for a second wen i came here i thought here,itd be different,,theyd see me for whut i am and not stop at the scarf..i mean okay, maybe it IS hypocritical but hello, im a girl too,,i have a heart and whutever goes with it........u knw like every morning u hav this Reason to dress up nice, wear makeup, make sure u look all pretty so u look nice to Someone...i mean Someone appreciates the effort bt yh ths how id foolishly started thinkin wen i came here.....tht i cn b all nice lookin tooo..i mean who was i fooling, this kinda thinkin got me nowher in the past and its gttin me nowher now,,,,, today was mi reality-check..mi Crash,Boom,Bang,Oops-I-Made-a-Mistake day...........ive got to stop thinkin it can happen, ...love i mean..........or any sort of attraction..its Not happenin...i can onli be sumones good frnd, or best frnd as i am to countless people...bt theres where it stops............ugh, too much thick talk,,,,but im glad mi idealistic spell is over,,,mi Sanity is creepin back............yh
hm............
.all ths trash aside..whut else happened today......................oh yh i ate ham by mistake....hahaha...i got a slice of veggie pizza and i ate it and i was like there is definitely sum meat in here..so pat has a look and hes like thts definitely ham..i go and ask the cook and shes like no no its veggie,,,bt i hav another look at the pizza and i swear theres NO veggie tht can impersonate meat that well.....i take mi plate to her and shes like 'Oh my..How did that happen?'' like oh HELL YEH!!! some one gotta b explainin sumthin to me...while she made me another pizza i proceeded on to be very nauseous..i mean ew ew ew...for the ppl who're thinkin ive gone insane, im not allowed to eat ham under any condition..its a religious thng....anyway i then got mi ham-free pizza and it was all good agaiin...........
thnnnnnnnnnnn it was time for class and while i was walkin aorund for pat, we walked into ezra..i introdueced the two, said goodbye to pat, walk back to class with ez........class was okay.....alot of fun actualli..i was bein mi usual nerdy self after a long time........asking questions again and again and again,,hahaha...sum ppl wudve been very annoyed....being the 'teachers pet' again..i mean i talk the most in class, get disruptive, shes gets mad and she STILL likes me...its a curse, im NOT bein proud here or arrogant...ez said so,...'she Likessssssssssss u''arghhhhhhhhhhhh..its the Curse of the teacher's-petness.......u can run but U Cant Hide....hahaha..
anyways..we got our essays bak...i did okay, surprisingly..got an over good for most thngs..so im all happy about tht...one thng tht went right aftr the long long day,,,,,,,thn we had a debate abt sumthin and socrates guy was bein an ass again.......i swear its not tht hes an ass, its jus tht hes TOO clever for us,,,like gribo got whut he was sayin and tried to explain it to us but because we ended up arguing the whole time we never got much written down..i slated in the last two lines as conclusion so i hope the other group can make sum sense of our argument...but anyways,,,class ends, i walk ezra to his class again..I mean, how DESPERATE is that? its jus tht i dunno,,hes great company,,,,and its fun talkin to him and i always realli have nuthin better to do..he does say that im the 'guy' in the relationship, wlakin him to class and all..i think i wrote this in mi second blog..anyways.........i say goodbye to him and go to the student services center to withdraw sum cash frm the atm and i run into..........Patrick,yes......i swear i have so mani weird coincidences with these two,its not even funni...i mean in the HUGE university with over 6000 students and its ALWAYS patrick or ezra i run into......haha.
.anyways pats like im goin home too so we can go togther..we walk to his lab and he runs to get his bag frm ther,,then we go back home togther ..nuthin much happens...we talk abt family planning and all,,his ex's,,whose he gonna marry wen he grows up, who am i gonna marry etc etc..........andddddd whut else..he also gave me a memory disk which has sum of his the books he likes in audio format,,,like audibooks?!!?!?! to listen to..now tell me, wudnt any sane,rational gurl....okay slightly neurotic gurl ,,,,jus like i am.....thnk tht ths is obvious flirting.is it? or is it just friendliness to tell sumone all abt ureslef, ur parents,ur family,ur history,who u are and arent,,,he is a recluse kind of person and says sumtimes he cant belive whut he ends up tellin me....i dunno...this is jus weirdddddd..............
..anywayssssss...............mi aunt jus came into mi room...2 seconds ago..today she didn hav a peek at mi laptop,thank god...........thngs are changing...all good ....................
yeh and aunt and uncle are goin for camping at the end of his month,and draggin me along with them...its abt tht same time i have mi midterm exams so thts provin a teensy tinnsy lil problem,cuz they wnna drag me along and tell me u can study ther...well does tht ever happen? im askin them to leave me home but aunts not convinced and ofcourse im not suprised.......i might burn her house over or sumthin..hahahaha...or gttin broken into, God forbid.so yh,mums said to leave me at Mani aunts..khalas frnd here whose more frnds with mum and dad and whse parents are mi grandparents frnds and our neighbours in karachi...so yeh,,,letsee where this leads to./...
whut other lil thng..........................im gttin struck by mi poetic inspiration fits again..nuthin good and creative has come out of it tho..jus random lil one or two-liners...like the one at the top of the page or the one which followswhich i wrote in reply to mi uncle goin on and on about vancouver's great and all..
'they say its the best place in the world'
But it means nuthing to me
It ain't my home, that ain't my beach,
'cuz that Special, they just can Never be.
its not particularly well written and can do with a lot of work but it is true...i see the sunsets here and the beaches and all and theyre picture perfect...its like being in a postcard,,honestly.......THAT beautifulll......but its not special,,its not MINE,,,,and its not home...home is where mi mum and dad are,,,mi sis and mi bro,,mi school,,mi frnds....rima,sandy and armie and dj and al..even tho theyre not ther and they might not call home but it is Home for me cuz thts wher i had the best time of mi life....i love tht dictator and corruption ridden place with its weird lil manner-isms and all...and itll always always b very close to mi heart...and Nuthing, no beautiful mountains or lakes or highrise buildings or whutever can overcome tht......
thts all for today now..letsee whut tomorrow brings..............
bein' the Stranger
bein' the Me
wanting too much
that i can never Be.
sum days start out right .....sum dont................ today was an okay day..the weather was rainy and wet, i missed the bus, was late fro class by 15 mins and other bad news which im about to explain..............so yh i meet pat and i ask abt his offer for firday and if it still stands..he says yes, i say okay then ill see the movie with u...but its class so we cant talk much...after class we roam around alot,,,,andddddddddddddddddddddd i ask about him whther he has a gf or nott...ANDDDDDDDDDDDD he does!!!! :(:(:(:(:((:(....talk abt makin a fool of miself......and thn later on i read mi horoscope on facebook and its like -be wary of a newperson entering ur life,,,its not tht u cant trust them, u might bot b able to trust urself.'' i mean how true cud u get...ufffffff.....................i mistook his chivalry for flirtin,,,all tht 'lemme hold ur bag for ', and his openin doors for me and paying for mi lunch and walkin me to class and all..i dunno WHUT i was thinkin....anyways,,,im still goin with him to see pirattes of the carribean or whutevers playin at around 12 or 1 ish on friday afternoon,,,,we're gnna meet up at metrotown station and go to the mall ther...........
.whut else happened.....well yeh he told me alot abt himself and his family and his gf,,shes 16 and still in high school, hes 24 btw.................and well theyve been goin out for 8 months and well after the first 2 weeks he wanted to break up with her because as he says, every gurl has the same problem with him,,,,,he never has time for them,..and she was the same..so he wanted to quit early bt turns out her mums divorcin her stepdad at tht time, and her mums like a gambler.....and shes like indebted like for about 200grand..........and thts pretty crazy..so the gurl has to fight off guys comin back for the money and stoppin her mum frm sellin evrything and studies and exams and her mother tellin her abt her suicide attempt and all...thats pretty tough for a gurl..in sum abstract way,,,i can relate to her................but no more details abt that here..
..in any case ,he says if he breaks up ,it'll b like killin her..shes totalli reliant on him,,,so yh,he's stuck.i told rima abt this and shes like mayb he does like u but is in a relationship ant cant get out of it,,,but check this out....i ask him if theres any other gurl hed consider dating,,or so on and hes like 'two..i cnt handle 2,' so yh....i dunno..anyways thts the end of tht aite.............i mean u knw jus for a second wen i came here i thought here,itd be different,,theyd see me for whut i am and not stop at the scarf..i mean okay, maybe it IS hypocritical but hello, im a girl too,,i have a heart and whutever goes with it........u knw like every morning u hav this Reason to dress up nice, wear makeup, make sure u look all pretty so u look nice to Someone...i mean Someone appreciates the effort bt yh ths how id foolishly started thinkin wen i came here.....tht i cn b all nice lookin tooo..i mean who was i fooling, this kinda thinkin got me nowher in the past and its gttin me nowher now,,,,, today was mi reality-check..mi Crash,Boom,Bang,Oops-I-Made-a-Mistake day...........ive got to stop thinkin it can happen, ...love i mean..........or any sort of attraction..its Not happenin...i can onli be sumones good frnd, or best frnd as i am to countless people...bt theres where it stops............ugh, too much thick talk,,,,but im glad mi idealistic spell is over,,,mi Sanity is creepin back............yh
hm............
.all ths trash aside..whut else happened today......................oh yh i ate ham by mistake....hahaha...i got a slice of veggie pizza and i ate it and i was like there is definitely sum meat in here..so pat has a look and hes like thts definitely ham..i go and ask the cook and shes like no no its veggie,,,bt i hav another look at the pizza and i swear theres NO veggie tht can impersonate meat that well.....i take mi plate to her and shes like 'Oh my..How did that happen?'' like oh HELL YEH!!! some one gotta b explainin sumthin to me...while she made me another pizza i proceeded on to be very nauseous..i mean ew ew ew...for the ppl who're thinkin ive gone insane, im not allowed to eat ham under any condition..its a religious thng....anyway i then got mi ham-free pizza and it was all good agaiin...........
thnnnnnnnnnnn it was time for class and while i was walkin aorund for pat, we walked into ezra..i introdueced the two, said goodbye to pat, walk back to class with ez........class was okay.....alot of fun actualli..i was bein mi usual nerdy self after a long time........asking questions again and again and again,,hahaha...sum ppl wudve been very annoyed....being the 'teachers pet' again..i mean i talk the most in class, get disruptive, shes gets mad and she STILL likes me...its a curse, im NOT bein proud here or arrogant...ez said so,...'she Likessssssssssss u''arghhhhhhhhhhhh..its the Curse of the teacher's-petness.......u can run but U Cant Hide....hahaha..
anyways..we got our essays bak...i did okay, surprisingly..got an over good for most thngs..so im all happy about tht...one thng tht went right aftr the long long day,,,,,,,thn we had a debate abt sumthin and socrates guy was bein an ass again.......i swear its not tht hes an ass, its jus tht hes TOO clever for us,,,like gribo got whut he was sayin and tried to explain it to us but because we ended up arguing the whole time we never got much written down..i slated in the last two lines as conclusion so i hope the other group can make sum sense of our argument...but anyways,,,class ends, i walk ezra to his class again..I mean, how DESPERATE is that? its jus tht i dunno,,hes great company,,,,and its fun talkin to him and i always realli have nuthin better to do..he does say that im the 'guy' in the relationship, wlakin him to class and all..i think i wrote this in mi second blog..anyways.........i say goodbye to him and go to the student services center to withdraw sum cash frm the atm and i run into..........Patrick,yes......i swear i have so mani weird coincidences with these two,its not even funni...i mean in the HUGE university with over 6000 students and its ALWAYS patrick or ezra i run into......haha.
.anyways pats like im goin home too so we can go togther..we walk to his lab and he runs to get his bag frm ther,,then we go back home togther ..nuthin much happens...we talk abt family planning and all,,his ex's,,whose he gonna marry wen he grows up, who am i gonna marry etc etc..........andddddd whut else..he also gave me a memory disk which has sum of his the books he likes in audio format,,,like audibooks?!!?!?! to listen to..now tell me, wudnt any sane,rational gurl....okay slightly neurotic gurl ,,,,jus like i am.....thnk tht ths is obvious flirting.is it? or is it just friendliness to tell sumone all abt ureslef, ur parents,ur family,ur history,who u are and arent,,,he is a recluse kind of person and says sumtimes he cant belive whut he ends up tellin me....i dunno...this is jus weirdddddd..............
..anywayssssss...............mi aunt jus came into mi room...2 seconds ago..today she didn hav a peek at mi laptop,thank god...........thngs are changing...all good ....................
yeh and aunt and uncle are goin for camping at the end of his month,and draggin me along with them...its abt tht same time i have mi midterm exams so thts provin a teensy tinnsy lil problem,cuz they wnna drag me along and tell me u can study ther...well does tht ever happen? im askin them to leave me home but aunts not convinced and ofcourse im not suprised.......i might burn her house over or sumthin..hahahaha...or gttin broken into, God forbid.so yh,mums said to leave me at Mani aunts..khalas frnd here whose more frnds with mum and dad and whse parents are mi grandparents frnds and our neighbours in karachi...so yeh,,,letsee where this leads to./...
whut other lil thng..........................im gttin struck by mi poetic inspiration fits again..nuthin good and creative has come out of it tho..jus random lil one or two-liners...like the one at the top of the page or the one which followswhich i wrote in reply to mi uncle goin on and on about vancouver's great and all..
'they say its the best place in the world'
But it means nuthing to me
It ain't my home, that ain't my beach,
'cuz that Special, they just can Never be.
its not particularly well written and can do with a lot of work but it is true...i see the sunsets here and the beaches and all and theyre picture perfect...its like being in a postcard,,honestly.......THAT beautifulll......but its not special,,its not MINE,,,,and its not home...home is where mi mum and dad are,,,mi sis and mi bro,,mi school,,mi frnds....rima,sandy and armie and dj and al..even tho theyre not ther and they might not call home but it is Home for me cuz thts wher i had the best time of mi life....i love tht dictator and corruption ridden place with its weird lil manner-isms and all...and itll always always b very close to mi heart...and Nuthing, no beautiful mountains or lakes or highrise buildings or whutever can overcome tht......
thts all for today now..letsee whut tomorrow brings..............
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
waiting and watching...
Mi day today in numbers...................
Day 2 blogging
Day 1 gettin to know bianca
Day 1 seeing a graduating ceremony
Day god-knows-whut in feelin cold!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hahaha...today was a HAAPY day..u know some days are happy days and sum are sad days and so on....today was that kinda day that even though it was rainy and all, i was in a ultra happy mood..i dunno why...i loveeeeeeeeeeeeeee the rain , i guess thts the reason..
So anyway i ‘bounced’ off to uni today and guess who i see at the bus...Bianca!!!! haha..she got on a few stops aftr mine,,,and she opened up alil today,,,i mean usualli in tutorail shes so quiet..but she wasnt today..and i swear she looks so much like Armie.its freaky....she has the same cute innocence,same knowing-ness of the wrold, same child-like streak in her..not immature but childlike,,like me....i felt glad!!!!!!!! Okay, ecstatic!!!!!!!! Tht i found soeone close to home..anyways,,, we talked all the way to phil and found out ,among other things, that we’’re both addicted to facebook.....hahha...so we headed for the computer library and i chcked mi facebook and say shif had oooheddddddd and aaaheddddddd over mi pics ther..hahaha..and dearest ol’ rima had divorced me..:(:LLL....haha..i miss rima so much...she was the most perfectest frnd i had,,,,,,,,,,,i wish she was here to experience all these thngs with me ..the same gossips, wowrrying over guys, enjoying the weather,, being cold and huddling up to be a lil warm..hahaha..so yh anyways,,,i go into phil with bianca at mi heels..i sat next to ezra, as always and bianca sat by mis side and OBV i was busy chatting to both of thm and OBV mi tutorial assitant sittin in front had to turn every 2 minutes to glare at me but still, i had the bestttttttt phil lecture so far..and thts sayin sumthin...and horrible horban was on about some totalli random and scientific thng today tht had nuthing to do with phil..i think it was abt how ears work and where sound is or sumthin..hahahah...i soo completly tuned out..anywaysssssss bianca thought ezras name was isaac,,hahah..i told her she mus realli like nerdy guys then,,u know,,,isaac ‘’newton’’ and some ‘’albert’’ einstein and Socrates!!hahaha..she laughed..socrates is this name we hav for ths random pain-in-the-butt guy in phil tutorial......hes in my group for an argument where we prove libertarianism but he keeps saying thts wrong thts wrong..i mean HELLO,, we agree its wrong but for the assignmnet we hav to prove it right..aghhhhh..anyways ,ezzie came up with the socrates title for him so..haha..bianca thinks hes pretty annoyin too..anywaysssssssssssssss,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,it was good talkin abt completly random stuff with bianca,,jus like old days..haha..how ezra had ‘confessed’’ his bi-ness....hahaha...he’s such a liar...............and how we kept teasin him abt it..anyways aftr class,bianca had to go usmwher so iended up walkin with ezra and tommy again.....tommys nice..in a very quiet way..lolz....wanna-be-cool way..hahaha..i obv gt on better with ezra bt yeh i dnt mind tommy.....he plays along with ezra tho, u knw they do their guy thng...hitting each other on the arm and so on...so yh...chatting with them was fun..we talked abt movies and guess whut their favourite movie is,,NOT armagaddon or sum other random action flick ,, but ,,,,atten-wait-for-this-tion!!!! Its a WALK TO REMEMBER...hahahahah..wen they told me i burst out laughin and im like its a gurlsssss movie..so tommys like we’re not robots , and ezras like we have feelings too and i cudve realli realli screwed him up on tht one bt yh....i let it go..,,,being generous me as always!!!1hahahha..... and oh yh which reminds me, we were tlking about icecream and taste bud sensations in phil and for sum thng or the other, prof ‘horrible’ horban goes,, ‘uhummmm,,its yummie and u can lick it up all around’ or sumthin..and i swear it was SO hard for me to keep a straight face ,,i mean EWWWWWWWWWWW...uff.hahaha....tht shud TOTAALI go into the ‘its not mi fault that whut u said can be miscontructed as a sexual innuendo’ group on facebook..hahahha....so yh, thn tommy had to run away some wher and i walkked ezzie to class..AGAIN..hahaha..we were discussin how NON chivalrous he is and how i cover up for him..haaha..i remmeber in the first few days i met him he waswearin a teeshirt and shorts and it was FREEZING outdside and i hada spare jacket and i offered it to him but obv i mean gurls wearin guys jackets is cute but guys wearin gurls jackets is jus..WRONG...ahaha...trust me , this is another one of those things that u dont wnna argue with me about.....anyways, and jus yesterday, ez was complainin abt not havin an umbrella and him having to walk back home in the rain and i offered him mine but he said no..so yeh he brings it up today, abt how im bein the ‘guy’ heree...hahahah..tht was funni...he did say he wasnt chivalorous and i was like yeh patrick is REALLI REALLI chivalorous like tht..like holding the door open for gurls and buyin me lunch....and ezra was like, wait,,’this is the first time uwere out on a lunch with him and he bought U lunch’’and im like ‘yeh’ but apparently it turns ut that here, if u buy a gurl her lunch, u like her,,and if u let her buy it ,,its more of a frnds thng..so yh,....hahahaha....i dunno, its weird like tht..i mean i was talkin to tommy (not ezras frnd, my gylc tommy in england) and he said mayb i shud double triple check abt pat havin a gf or not and yh im havin msgivings abt tht..i WONT let anyone use me as second-best pie or as easy cake....haha..notice mi bakery skills here....hahaha..........anywayssssss,,,,i hav econ tomrow so ill srt it out with pat......yh....anyways,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,oh yh i hav phil tutorial tomorow too so that shud b ...i dunnoo..it depends on whut grade i get on the phil assignment i took HOURSSSSSSSSSS doing..anyways,,,and oh yh I HATE MARLENE SWATSKY...........hahah..shes mi english prof and its not like i realli hate her or anything but tht woman is a work-maniiac...i mean i jus gave in 6 assiggnments today and now next thng u knw, i have like 15 morew for next week... NOT FAIR,,but then again, liffe seldom is.......fair i mean....
Soooooooooooooooooo yhhhhhhhhhhhh..whut else..english class was okay...marelene like ppl workin in pairs so im teamed up with tina ..shes nice enuf..i mean shes not brilliant and she is kinda bossy and –will-have-mi-own-way kinda person bt im okay with it........i mean the onli person i got on well with is glenda, but shes older thn me and has kinda started to ignore me in class or am i bein paranoid again? Anyways, shes like third year so i get tina..
Andddddddddddddddddddddd,,well yh today was grad day at sfu...and lookin at all tht mess of blue and red robes and happy parents and bouquets and all, i kinda got hit with this feeling u knw.......like thts how its gna be for me aftr 4 yrs..provided i graduate frm sfu....letsee whut happenes..........itll b SO WRONG transferin to ubc now..i mean i like the way sfus smaller and more social and even tho papa is pushin me too ubci dunt wnna start all over again......and more thn that the further frm home the better it is..and i wnna see life and uni mi own way...khalloo,thts mi uncle,,knws too mani ppl at ubc and too many thngs nd stuff cuz hes studied ther but i dnt wna be leadin their rules and stuff..so yh...i like sfu, and ill try mi best not to move or budge or attempt any kind of transitional thng between the two,,,
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm..whut else......................lifes goin on okay..yesterday i downloaded some old hindi songs frm a website for mi ipod....brought on old old memories..i sound like 80 here...hahaha...bt yh..good times man,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,lifes passed so fast and i can say this with great satisfaction , i did the best i cud...i used to hav ths guilt within me for a alot of wrog thngs tht happened tht u knw, if i tried i cudve dealt with it , i cudve made it better and all tht pretence abt me strong and happy was well to mask the fact that i was afraid...i guess i still am afraid now bt i am much stronger,,i can deal with stuff and lookin back, i can say well yh a lot of shit happened to me..esp wen i was growin up and iwas a kidd and i dnt wnna gt into details here bt its taken me a lot of time to com to terms with it and deal with the hurt and ive started the healing..ive started thinkin back and not being afraid of whut i might find in mi memory, i remember all the very bad days and accept it now,,what happened happened,,,,,,,,,,,,and i did the best i cud...i mean i waas a kid for heavens sake...but anyways,,,i still turned out alright...and sane..so yh im proud of miself for battling thru...it seemed so hard at the time bt its okay now....and for everyone readin this theyll b like whut the hell is she talkin about?why all the sudden emotional goo? But yh,,im not prepared enuf to write it publicly...yet...hahahahahhaa...so yhh,maybe more later....................in the meantime lemme learn to b okay again....................hahaha
So hmm,.hths enuf for today i think...more tomrow on how evrything goes..letsee and keep yer fingers crossed...i know mine are.....and toes are too by the way..............hahahha
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