At 3 am I am putting back the lamp that toppled over. The glass on the floor that didn't shatter. Wiping the water from the iPad. The suitcase he flung out the room has been put back. The pack of printing paper flung across the room is resting on the laundry bin again, now upright. I've picked up my clothes and the blanket he threw in the ground, and washed the mascara and eyeliner staining my cheeks. My wrist is a little swollen again just like a few days ago where you grabbed it to get my phone out of my hand. My gold chain is broken because it got caught in the tussle, that will take longer to fix.
Don't worry about my heart. It's been broken so far past repair it doesn't even need to be considered anymore.
..........
You get more and more violent.
Today all this because I hid your keys so you wouldn't drive drunk.
We grappled over my phone and then I had to push you out of my way so I can flee the apartment.
A few days ago you punched my cereal box down for...I don't even remember now.
A few days before you grabbed both wrists so hard they were sore for days, because I said to you I wish your mom taught you some manners when you had cursed me out again.
This is all after that time you had dragged me by the feet out of the car a few months ago and begged for forgiveness afterwards because you couldn't believe you had lost control.
..........
I don't even flinch anymore when you call me fucking idiot or fuck you or bitch or chutiya.
I've become so desensitized to it after 6 years of such drunken love talk.
..........
Tomorrow we wear our smiles and go about our day again.
Be a good daughter a good sister before die trying to be a good wife.
Seems we never learn our lesson.
I promised I wouldn't let any man lay a finger on me after what happened to my mom but here we are.
Keep swimming,
E
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Monday, November 5, 2018
Sunday, November 4, 2018
Where are the men
Where are the men?
The ones who won't hold my wrists tightly in theirs
And ignore my silently agape mouth while
Trying to find their way to my young breast
The ones who won't ask for my mind and my soul and my body
At their disposal, convincing me of soul mates and connections
And then remember, after having me, promises, parents, others
And forsake me in the cold
The ones who won't gather my wrists, despite knowing of my nightmares about them,
And hold me against my will to silence my anger
Punching the wall being my ear and later say
Why are you angry?
I never hurt you. I never raised a hand at you.
The ones who won't make my mother cry
Disrespect her, subjugate her, remind her of her inferiority
And yet tell me, their daughter, I should not take shit from no man.
Where are the men
The ones who won't take anything from me
Where are the men
The ones who won't suck the life and soul out of me
Where are the men
The ones who won't leave me barren and dry
Where are the men
Who are tender, who love, who give, who cause no pain
Perhaps this is why they call this limbo I'm in
The in between places...No man's land
Where lost souls go to roam
Where are the men?!
There is none.
In no man's land.
The ones who won't hold my wrists tightly in theirs
And ignore my silently agape mouth while
Trying to find their way to my young breast
The ones who won't ask for my mind and my soul and my body
At their disposal, convincing me of soul mates and connections
And then remember, after having me, promises, parents, others
And forsake me in the cold
The ones who won't gather my wrists, despite knowing of my nightmares about them,
And hold me against my will to silence my anger
Punching the wall being my ear and later say
Why are you angry?
I never hurt you. I never raised a hand at you.
The ones who won't make my mother cry
Disrespect her, subjugate her, remind her of her inferiority
And yet tell me, their daughter, I should not take shit from no man.
Where are the men
The ones who won't take anything from me
Where are the men
The ones who won't suck the life and soul out of me
Where are the men
The ones who won't leave me barren and dry
Where are the men
Who are tender, who love, who give, who cause no pain
Perhaps this is why they call this limbo I'm in
The in between places...No man's land
Where lost souls go to roam
Where are the men?!
There is none.
In no man's land.
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