damage control.

it kindasorta hurts that you don't find the need to share anything anymore.

so, i'm breaking the habit tonight.

its funny, ive been giving advice to You for how-to-patch-things-up-and-avoid-awkward-convos. Funny, 'cuz despite all odds i now need the exact.same.advice.

'tis a pity pity pity it gotta come to this.

our ''conversation'' lasted 4 minutes. 

i am not numb.

maybe numb enough to want to write and encompass it fully, 

but not numb like you. 

 and i still have faith, S. i still do.

Alot of faith, stacked up in the smallest of places like the spaces between my fingers and toes under the curve of my chin the insides of my elbows in my clenched fists palming your reds blues violets yellows salty sweet tango my bare soul exposed.

'when you're tangled up just tango on'

-Scent of a Woman

But we forgot how to dance a while ago.

now, we

tiptoe tiptoe tiptoe tiptoe tiptoe

(Let's tiptoe in the moonshine.

 If I'll be yours, will You be mine?)
?                         

-eeda.


pps. The Uncle/Asshole needs to stop living up to his latter name.
(or somebody will need to stop me from murdering him with my bare hands if he makes me feel like shit ina crowd just.ONE.more.time.

.............and this, my friends,

is where the fairytale begins to go Really Nasty........

( Issues with LDR's) part 1.

You frustrate me. You annoy me, aggravate me, make me want to pummel concrete walls, bash my head, claw someone's eyes out, puncture holes in skin with molten iron, rip paper and flesh into tiny minuscule pieces, walk run escape far far far away.


But I love you.
So I'll stay.


-eeda

Realization 102

I know in an earlier post I have confessing to exagerrating a little over the top,

but I know that for sure, tonight was probably once of the toughest nights of my life.

-edit................... or maybe not.

Realizations 101

The biggest dilemma, quite possibly, lies in the fact that I just Cannot

  seem to let go and have a good time.

 

(and that I envy everyone who does).

your tone remains consistent mellow purple

mauve lilac lavendar

the subtle shades insinuate

your anger, displeasure.
.

i await bated blue breath

for the calm the storm or even

being stuck in your epicentre.
.

callous caring can indeed

be worse than cruel indifference,

or overwhelming love.

im learning by degrees,
-eeda.

always on the periphery.

 photo credits.

I'm off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of
York.

Welcome to the land of 2 hour transits to uni, 6 hour lectures, classes that end at 10 pm and getting home at 12 pm.
The land of the foreign, the unknown, not having your family or your friend or even any long-lost acquaintance around.

I feel like I've been planted on an alien planet. Yet Again.
But this being the 5th great move of my life, udve thunk id be used to it by now.
No.
Think Again.

On the bright side, York has the biggest university campus in Canada, testament by some rumor and by my aching feet.
AND theyre giving a FREE Keri Hilson concert.

Don't think im going to complain too much... Justttttttt yet.

-eeda :)

misplaced apology.

it becomes a sort of callous repetitiveness to put up with me, i know.

i wish myself that i could replace this vicious metallic blade I have in my mouth I have the misfortune to call my tongue, with something perhaps a tad bit softer and more sensitive.

while my honesty should not be a pretext for me to hurt the very people I love the most, with things that I find most despicable, neither should you take advantage of the wide-open vulnerability with which i speak to you, and stomp all over whatever little ego i have left, trampling it into shards.

please, do not lay the bed for further destruction, nothing can be rebuilt from splinters.


-eeda.

Converse

.


to feel your skin
against mine like papercuts
to the bone.
dew lips soften taut
strings of flesh,
blood clots ease, flow
beneath your earthy hands.
undress my flesh, my heart
to your ear,
i can hear
you kiss words to my core.


.

.

red gold dipped mornings drag themselves out of
pots of paint and sheer bluey skies
slash colour and hue across my open window i am
yellow gold blue on the outside red black broken
on the inside
i wonder if colours can explain feelings states of being
in ways words cant.

red is anger and black is grief
im spun of the twain, consumed
beyond relief


.

Cigaretteburnt.

there is something oddly alluring darling,
in the way grey smoke escapes your lips,
gently let sideways, cascading into summer swans
eagles, through the holes in my soul.
fine lines, tight lipped, half sly smile.

barely concealable how your indifference,
seductive so, melts me into quiet rage
sometimes.
some other times,
intense yearning.

inconsequential your white
tshirt unshaved shadows the tie rack
behind you the golden cube round
your neck.
inconsequential
my observations but for the fact
they are about You.

everything has Meaning.

pinky edged nightmares bloom
into roses, violets, sunshine darling, when i
wake them to thoughts of you.
my nightmares cascading away like smoke darling,
away like ashy eagles, radiant grey
swans.

there is much to say
and not enough in me to declare it
i wish i could just
rip my heart out
onto this page
let the red rivulets map their own course, spell out
the way this feels inside right now.
your absence
makes heart sore and snap in
wooden splinters, newspaper shreds, glass shards,
sheer motes of
knife sharp dustsandblood
splashed on this blank white canvas.
elements forming stories, confessions,
vulnerable exposes of
spirit skin and soul.

(spiral red stains)

after all,
visual
graphic devastation
needs no more
feeble
poems, words,

explanations.

i am shattered like crushed butterflies coloured red
smeared across blank white walls my wings
splutter and fall under your feet
cement and marble
tiles and tears
there is no compassion in your voice
in your feet.

I hate it when you fall asleep before me,

and you're awake after I am.

Early worms taste horrid alone.

i cannot sleep without u.
7 am (and still unwillingly awake)

my mind is on auto-overwork mode till it suicides out of exhaustion, but is having trouble finding death valley. mar hi nahee raha kisee tarah.
lame jokes are part of the deal. i apologize (lie)

-eeda