wrapping up these pieces of me

This the room.
I had entered, newly wed
Starry eyed, 23
Uprooted everything, repainted
The walls, the doors, the siding with
My sweet innocent dreams.
Laid the laminate floor
Panel by panel like building
Blocks to my soul, interconnected
Mine with his
We
Hugged here and danced
On these floors while cooking
And making
Food, memories,
Love. I still
Remember the sweet hot
Summer nights we laid in each others
Arms and spoke of the future
Children. Careers
Travel. Us.
How you had hugged me
That one time the basement flooded, how
We got rid of the fleas the cat
Bought in. And the dead
Bird. How
I set my first living room with $550 and
How I proud I wad of the warmth it bought others
And to my own heart.
I've forgotten the bitterness, the tears
The feeling of being caged, some
Cages are better than others. My
Adult heart and old eyes look
Fondly now at the nest we had built
Now crumbling. I miss
The tender naivete I can still
Sense her presence walking around. Building
Hopeful
Optimistic
If only she knew what was to come.
If only she knew one day she would be sitting here
Wishing for simpler days
Wishing for the happiness unlike any she had ever known
Wishing for the love unlike any she had ever felt
Wishing for her youth, her sweet tender eyes
And his sweet tender hugs
If only she knew.


Eeda

As things go from bad to worse Eeda.. I want you to remember this
There is no knight in shining armor.
There is nobody who will come for you in the middle of the night to save you because you are terrified.
Nobody who will surprise you because you are scared
Or alone.
Pity me doesn't work.
Need you definitely doesn't work.
Stop expecting people to do things the way you would in their shoes.

YOU are your own knight in shining armor.
You are the knight, the gold the silver the brass of the armor, the savior the salvation the hope and the dream.. Its just YOU that needs to save yourself when you are alone or terrified or broken or sick or exhausted.
Don't you DARE depend on anyone.
Ever again.

You silly child. You were born for greater things than relying on men.
Let the drowning man drown Eeds.
Save yourself.

No one's coming.

Anguish

My heart my heart my heart I left behind.

I'm screaming on the inside. Just ask me once. Are you ok?
No I'm not.
Do you need help?
Yes. Yes I do.
Mein kia karun?
Mujhe bacha lo. Yahan se le jao.
Bus.

Screaming screaming screaming on the inside.
Help
Help
Help

I can't breathe
I can't breathe
I can't breathe

Yes you can
Breathe
Remember the glimpse of him you saw when he hugged you and held you at the beach
Breathe
Remember all is not lost
As you stick your head out the window and sang, what is it that you did in gulps and lung full, embracing the moment? You
Breathed
When he poured his heart out to you in the car and you finally remembered what it felt like to love him even fleetingly? You
Breathed
When you drove to the house and remembered driving up the first time and throwing up at the curb and late night walks and remembering how it was you smiled at him and he smiled too you remembered you used to
Breathe
When he kissed you like he meant it and you felt it like you used to
That is how you had, all those years ago, learnt how to
Breathe

So now when he says the words about you and his dad and the heartache so deep it takes your breath away, when he curses and cries and you have to get your own iftar after driving 2.5 hours and cleaning and chores and cooking all day yesterday and sehri and his drunk behavior at night and how you just stormed out of the house heart in your mouth heartbeat in your lung but not much else and you want to scream for it to stop because you can't breathe
Remember Eeds
Its just the moment. You know how to breathe. Remember you know how. Remember the love. Remember that you can and that you have and that you will. Remember this is just a moment and it is not invincible, You are.
Breathe my jaan. Inhale. This too shall pass.

Breathe.

Rage

silent screaming yellowredhot rage curling
inside from intestines intertwining with
reason rationale morality sanity
everything is lost
in a burning fire that rips
me to shreds i
don't know who i am is this
how burn victims feel when
they see trauma, nightmares of
burning houses screams and
no water no relief no one
to save them?
i want to scream
and scream
and scream i feel like i left
a child in the house that
burned down
(the child was me)
i'm
knee deep in ashes, quicksand i
cannot get up, cannot get out, cannot
do not cave
in, still and frozen, Medusa's
wrath i am goddess
victim, slain and
spared
which do i be grateful for?
what (who) do i mourn?





.....................................................................................
someone please light out the fire
it's consumed me.


-Eeda

-->

belonging, a sense of purpose, beauty, immense happiness, innocence which seems to have been lost from the world, a little bit of shararat, a sense of longing, like a dream which is far away but thinking about it feels like it's achievable, poetry

Rollercoaster rides

Empty parking lots at 2am, panicked drives down main roads and voices voices voices
Voices from a dream voices whispering relief.

.......

A distraught father blocks my car, peers through my window. 2 am. "I'm sorry, I thought you were my daughters friend. I was going to call 911 on you, I'm so sorry"
Wandering souls in empty spaces, destroyed by selfish love, blood.
We are all just prisoners here, of our own device.

........

Words. Easier to imagine there's no face behind the voice, no beating heart beating in tune to yours. Easier to disconnect disassociate, than to cave in and surrender. Restraint becomes harder, cooks up misguided vitriol, spewed in guilt and shame. Yes I like this. Yes I need this. Yes. But not you.

........

Straining restraining bonds of leather love cut equally deep in soft skin. "How are your fingers so soft?" Some fresh bruises, raw, scab hard, some scab soft.

............

Vodka kisses, this
Is familiar, unwanted and
Wanted (when sober). Have
Your way with me, my life
How much of this is grief how
Much
An agenda for self
Annihilation

............

Neck shoulder back whispers whimpers spirals.
My lips are raw I bite
Down hard to keep this inside. Where to begin
Unravel
Ling.

............

There's so much more I want to write but I can't make sense of it amidst the noise in my head turmoil in heart guiltily remembering words that make my happy and yet break me apart. Senselessly spinning in circles, I'm always dizzy all the time but
Keeping perfectly still.

.........

-f

Haven't felt so shook up in a long time. Maybe ever.
What kind of sorcery is this?
The jaded cynical me says it could be lies but. Rationally?

Bizarre.

the most difficult thing is disentangling reality from fantastical romance.
there's been no roses. there was no proposal on one knee.
things are not how u imagine them in romance movies...the love is there, but in ways you wouldn't expect, and ways you can't see.
the difficulty is letting go of grudges about expectations, and to learn to love the other in the way they love you, not in the way you love them....which quite often are very distinct from each other.

a lesson in time.

unfurl your wings, unleash
the embers burning in your heart, in your
soul. April
showers draw near, and the ram
paws the ground, charged
passion, fury, roaring
rage; seeking redemption
release
of the lost, burnt, charred
pieces of soul.
This phoenix spring

Begin

So hungry for love and yet
So unable to get it.

No matter how hard I try.

longing

aspirations.

voice over the shoulder, breeze below the wrist, touch on the arm, face next to cheek.
dreams.

i smell the sea salt in the shaker, the sea salt in the turquoise of the sea. i am gulping breaths of seaweed and salt and the sky and the golden sun, on the green hill, rolling towards the sand. the scene is imprinted behind my eyelids, alternate universes tattooed in the crevices we don't see but can't unsee. spaces between the fingers, pink under the nails, the flesh inside the elbow, the yellow of the inner arm.

hiraeth.

i am in longing for somethingsomeone of which i know not. running in my sleep, weary when awake, question marks in my soul.

poetic torment always inspired by a want so powerful it becomes need, wrings your soul and leaves you wanting, like sex, like food, like air. gasp,
fill your lungs and your toes with salt.

salt in my tears, salt in my tea, salt on my tongue, salt of the sea.

he was sitting on the edge of the white headboard and as i leaned against it, my head nuzzled his left knee. his hand toyed with loose tendrils behind my right ear as i typed into my laptop, fresh white sunlight gently grazing through the window.

.....................

the scene shifts. we are walking on the pavement near the Mediterranean in Regatta. His hand is in the small of my back, guiding me down. I blink and I'm at the hospital corridor in LI. Mom's in the ICU. Blink and again by the sea.
His hand rubs my back, grabs my right arm preventing me from collapsing.
About my height, maybe an inch taller. messy black hair. round face with a pointed sharp jawline. goofy side smile usually but now, pursed lips.

......................

he shows me a black car. is it red? hazy, i can't recall. it's his car, his ex is selling. his eyes are red.
.....................

Blink
........................

A few months ago, he had waited by the dark stormy sea in his black leather jacket.
Grinning, smugly. Private joke he had made of me. All i knew was I had to get to him and I couldn't.
Hands in the pockets of  the jeans, swaying with the breeze. Alone by the edge of the rock. Smiling.

.......................

Why am I  having these dreams?

I cannot and will not let the anxiety get the better of me. I will not let the doubt gnaw at me.

we think we are mountains of strength, moving with self-assurance between office corridors, head held up high on the street, conviction with which our feet pound the gravel, urban warriors, war-painted, shoulders back and pride in every step.

hold your fingers up to the sun and see your fingertips glow pink. nailbeds orange. our very fibers so translucent, a burning star millions of light-years away can illuminate right through the fragile tissues that make up, you.

so fragile, and yet so self-assured.
does it not make you fearful?
have you no fear?

what makes up your mountain that makes you so?

mountain my heart,
rocks where my soul used to be