there is enough heartache in me, just enough
to keep together just enough
to not fall apart.


i read somewhere that if my soul was intact, my core
unmoved, i could heal myself.

i am too far gone. i dont even know
where my core is, just a faint sepia memory
bronze haze in waking dreams.


i have it all twisted, shattered. i
knowingly crushed everything to
smithereens, hoping
to find cure
in the liberating
annihilation.

i have only lost myself further.
i don't even recognize this two-faced
monster i have
become.

i am being sold
sold to honeyed words and
convictions of others morality
not my own.


where am I?

is it too late?


i want to will myself to change, will myself
to turn the hurt to scabs, and not open stinging
wounds i keep picking at.
no wonder it doesn't heal.


begin at the begginning, they said.
i will
bandage, nurture,
coax the soul to revive
again. fix
faith hearts i blindly
crushed, return
to my essential
essence. i
who could do no harm
never wavered
always stayed pure
true.


i refuse to have found defeat.


i need to do this for myself, for them and for
him. but mostly
for myself.
i just wish the selfishness would prevail
long enough
for me to actually convince
my own self.







/