i am looking for the younger me, elusive
at my fingertips,
mischievous, this child of mine.
grinning from the top of red brick
rooftops, graffiti-ed
bus stops;

barely, but never there.

the blue skies envelope me into a pensive mood. it is difficult to sort out thought-patterns, and i find myself traipsing on windy green hills, chasing gray thought after bewitching gray thought; none of which i fully understand.

i am struck to the core; drained as my thoughts leave the pores of my mind like shoals of escaping fish, and envelope the soul like a hurricane.
infinite questions, firm decisions which become shaky outside of me, mocking me with their sudden volatility.

i am held hostage to my mind, and i do not know how to overcome it. i am trying to re-resolve all of the issues carefully one by one, to render them the same careful judgments i had earlier, to re-establish the coherency and stability in my life, but to no avail.
The Issues aren't settling with previous verdicts. Unlike prisoners, they are judges of me, and demand revisions, repeat repeat repeat, and yet without approval or consent, refusal to re-bury themselves in the coal black crevices of my mind.

I am struck by a waterfall, everything is coming at me at once, and I am overwhelmed.
So i search for the younger me, case precedent. Perhaps she will resolve my thoughts better than i now can, perhaps then i can go back to normalcy, and not have this feeling of floating emptiness.

on a brighter note, S is visiting tomorrow. :)
-eeda