Alien (ated)

Internal Retrospection necessary
Soul workings gone
awry. Dysfunctional
my mind, behaviour.
Unintentional arrogance?
is that the deterrent
averted eyes, change of focus
from them-perhaps
its all in the mind.

Come full circle, Eeda, you
are yet again on a lonely table;
someone else's leftovers for
company; fool yourself it was
your company (wasn't)
upgrade from school bathroom
perhaps, but
i still want to hide my face.

ugly child worthless child
brilliant mind, designed
for lonely space, empty
unfulfilllable.
no competition? lack of
matching wavelengths; you
look up at every voice
hoping it was directed at
you (wasn't).


 Illusion Illusion Illusion of mind
confined
in these membranes- walls,
space
no one can enter, space
i cant escape.

i wait
for the one man who hasn't stood me down
loves
me for all the crazy.
only hope
keeps me afloat.

...........


this was written on one of those im-down-depressed day at a lonely dinner in the student center. i have plenty of acquantinaces, dont get me wrong, people to run into and say 'hie, where have you been?' to, no good friends tho, no real soul-searchers who look through and just ....know.
its frustrating...i had people tell me today that i was weird for liking rain and not liking overpriced makeup clothes shoes bags stuff and turning down S's offer to buy me a coach bag...i told him instead to invest the money in stocks or mutual funds so we can save up for our kids education...enough for them to go to harvard, if they want that.

if that confines me to the nerds table at school without people who can reciprocate the feeling then so be it. ill churn out a poem and lament myself for being too old at 21.

so there. :P
and to all people who actually do read this, Bea and Dr...something, cant pronounce it right...
thank u, i may not reply back but i appreciate ur time and sentiments :)

with that, have a great Eid everyone.
-eeda