I have

forgotten how to write in paragraphs.
maybe phrases. stories.
words let t e r s ....

things are fragmented in my mind. i write, wrote, for an audience and then i promptly
became overburdened uninspired old and
stopped
writing explaining expressing the overwhelmingness chaotic inside me.

am i destined to be forever this way? curse of the poetic or is it, me? bad decisions. rashness and life and all its tests.

is it me, ya Allah?

this year by all means has been..tumultuous?
i met a lot of old friends, i renewed a lot of relationships that had stagnated in empty pools in my heart. lammy, hinny, rima, shifoo,...sandy, in a few weeks.
i have had an overwhelming urge to write about my last few months, but somehow i couldn't. they were so much of a roller coaster, ..so intensely great and so intense...a sense of loss..

why is there no sense of gain? i have gained a whole family, adopted a husband..so to speak..but that feeling of euphoria is just translating to dread and fear and nervousness..apprehension..
is this anxiety? me? normal?

i feel like a dictator about u. puppeteer towards moral and rational good and i don't want to feel this way. i don't want to dictate moves, decipher intentions and actions and teach, teach TEACH oh.
why must u not. why must i always ALWAYS.
why can't i stop!!!!
let.you.be.

if people  are truly compatible, does that mean they let each other be? or is ur purpose in life to fixguidelead someone else towards a path that is more...just better.
but by whose what standards?

i shouldn't be thinking these things. not right now.
or saying them, even to myself.
or even whispering them in the darkest corner of my heart where the trespassing arteries carry the torturous whispers back to unsuspecting ears.....heart.

suchay huge decision eeday. kia soch rahee thi? kiun dimagh chal para tha. kiun NAHEE chal raha tha would be more contextually appropriate.

sleepytime. at least the ice has cracked.

welcome back, world.



-eeda