The theory of Hashtags

i dont even know where to begin this, my mind is such a swirl of stress and confusion and disappointment and heartache.
Locations have an impact on people-mostly in that they can be a huge determinant of who you will be. I am the worst version of myself when I am on vacation, I know this, but you take me anywhere near water and I am a different person altogether. All at once, full of life but also all at once, calm, peaceful, serene.

When we visited Spain two weeks ago, we went to the Mediterranean sea one night. I cried when I saw the sea, like an old long lost friend. I cried when I smelt the fresh sea salt water smell, the grainy sand between my toes, the color and hue only the Mediterranean could have. It was like meeting an old long lost friend.
Mostly, the reason I cried was because it reminded me of Libya, of one of the most special homes I have ever known, and more than that, it reminded me of a version of me that I knew I never again will be. I cried for that eeda because I remembered who she was, and who I am now, and how so much I want to slip out of this skin of mine and be that person again but I can't. It is like clutching at straws slipping through your fingers.

Locations can have an impact on people. Even minor locations, like who you are in the bedroom, kitchen, bathroom. Imagine every 3 or 4 feet away lies a space that claims a different part of your soul.

When You are in the bedroom jaan, you are so different. You are caring. loving. you undress me gently out of work clothes I am too exhausted to take off, in my sleep. You hug me hold me, or ignore me to watch T.V but you are mine.
When you are in the bathroom, or the You post-bathroom.....that's a different animal altogether. Lost eyes, lost soul. Angry, memotional, restless, aggressive. I lose you to whatever demon hides in in that 8 feet of space you 'escape' to.
It is your escapades that terrify me. A space I cannot enter.

I stand outside like a child. Holding the door, hands splayed across the rough wood, trying to claim you as mine, without you ever knowing.Silly child, don't I know? Locations claim people. Scared and terrified to have you come out and not know Who you will be, what you will say. I pray through the wood hoping whatever battle you fight inside will not destroy us. It destroys me every night.

It is a burden I cannot speak about to everyone, anyone. I speak to the girls at work about minor displeasures to vent some frustration and they say, well, why don't you fill in the gaps. Gaps? Yes, holes in people's personalities, expectations, you fill with other people. I am confused. They explain that they have people who fulfill part but not all of what they desire, and they fill the gaps with Others. Hashtags.

#1 is your emotional one, protector, comforter, provider. #2 is your sexual. #3 is the backup. Divide up your attention and love so not one loss can destroy you. Divide and Conquer.

But you always were and always will be #1. The only hashtag I need. The only hashtag that consumes me, the only one I will allow to destroy me.

It is funny what locations do to how people think and approach things, even things like marriage or relationships or commitment. I sit and argue and try and understand their rationales, their 'heart and soul protection plans'. I don't have one.

That might be part of the reason why, when I can't take it anymore, I hold you androck you gently, crying into your tshirt. I have no backup. I love you no matter what location, what person you are, and it petrifies the core of me.

I just hope our locations, don't end up destroying us.

(tbc)

-eeda