God has it really been a year since I last wrote?

time flies when you're ...... well, not exactly having fun.

2 minute synopsis of the last year - bought a house in July, yay. a week later found bottles in the house, so not yay. stayed at our apartment for a week since we still had the lease. Sept went to VA for S's bro's baat pakki. October did a roadtrip to Denver with S's family. Nov S's dad moved in with us. October we also went to Turkey to meet my family half-way, had a week long family vacay. December we did a family vacay with Ss family to Orlando.

Throughout all of this was ofcourse the ongoing addiction, drinking every two days, fights, etc etc. 

By Jan, S had made another trip to a strip club. I will remind my non-existent audience this was his fourth trip, and I had warned him if he did so again I would leave. So I got his dad involved. and I did leave, to San Fran to bum at a friend's couch. Yay me. only took almost a decade to stand up for myself.

3 weeks later, S had checked into a rehab. round 2. he refused to see me before he left, so I flew in the next day. and then Dallas decided to fuck me over yet again, because my life wasnt enough, by having a snowstorm. in Dallas. 

and not the pretty kind with snowflakes but the kind that shuts down the roads the heat the hot water and electricity while you are stranded at home without your husband and have only his 70 year old father for support. a week later, I decided the US of A was done royally ruining my life, so I fled to Pakistan.

I stayed in Pakistan for almost 6 weeks, end of feb to mid-april. the longest stretch I have ever had with my parents in a decade. it was....eventful. reminded me of all my past traumas and why I had wanted to marry early in the first place. but also reminded me of ME. a human with her own dreams and wants and an army of love behind her should i chose to need it. during this time Ss sister came down for a week as well, for shopping. that whole story is to come later.

S left rehab after about 50 days or so.....only to go on a  solo trip and end up at a casino for 4 days or so. he also did one of his infamous, wont pick up the phone and lie to me after that he was sleeping gigs, except his brother went to his hotel room and found it empty, so that was busted. 

just writing this makes me realize what a hellhole my life has been.

anyways, despite everyones best advice i flew back to Dallas to figure out where my life stood with S and what I wanted to do. we tried a fresh start. I had my birthday 4 days after I came. 5th day, I tested positive for covid. 

then began the 15 day quarantine in my room, entirely reliant on the one person who I did not want to reliant on, medications, steroids, fever, body aches, asthma attacks etc etc. by the time I was out Ramadan was over, Eid happened (he drank the night before Eid, but that's also tradition is it not?) cursed me out as we got ready for Eid prayer, and played a saint the rest of the day.

but then what else is new?

it was then a month to Ss brother's wedding. I was told we would be hosting about 4 people at our house, and also having a dawat of about 30 ppl. the house was empty. between the turmoil of the past year we had gotten no furniture, and nothing was delivering before 3 months. I went nuts, trying to order furniture online, get second hand lamps, paintings plants etc, some semblance of normalcy into our life. we flew to VA for the wedding, and then I hosted Ss family friends while also doing a dawat for 30 ppl where I made majority of the food. Ss sister got upset with me because my dawat was better than hers and i got more compliments (no shit, this is real) and hasnt spoken to me since. this was 2 weeks ago.

during these two weeks I have found 4 cans of beer and 4 bottles of vodka with S insisting he will stop drinking. he also ended up at the same casino and didnt come home one night, withdrawing a 1000$ he maintains he didnt use for anything other than to buy cigarettes. he came home and promised he was done, and we both agreed we needed something good to look forward to. something positive.

so i agreed to start fertility treatments. got my ultrasound done, and the day i was supposed to get on clomid to start the iui process, found S had been drinking again. i showed the bottle to his dad, who yelled at him, and in turn S yelled at me and called me a C*^^*^^% in front of his dad, and told me to leave.

i was in a hotel the past two days and only just got home. for what, i dont know. to talk divorce? to talk....what? apologies? does anything even matter anymore? how do i restart my life now? is it even worth it?

my brain is numb with all these questions. the only thing that i am allowing myself to feel other than the enveloping numbness is regret. why the hell did i marry him in the first place? what the fuck was i thinking?

July 7 marks 9 years to our marriage. 9 years of utter chaos. an alcohol addiction to destroyed me probably more than it destroyed him. stuck in limbo.

i have never felt more alone or isolated. i am stuck in the guest bedroom of our house as i have been many many many times before. too many times to count. i have spent half of my last 2 years fleeing from him and the other trying desperately to believe i too can have the normal married-with-two-kids life i so crave. i guess some things are not meant to be, and i dont know how many more shocks to my system i need to have in order to finally believe that i wont get what i have been fighting for. a chance at a 'normal' life where my biggest concern is how to potty train my kid, not which casino or strip club my husband is lying drunk at.

how did my life get so fucked up anyway? i wish i knew.

i guess i know nothing of what i thought i did.