I want to write but i dont know where to begin.

I didnt realize it had been 3 years since I last actively wrote. So much happened. and yet nothing at all.

I guess the most important of all things was S's DUI. It was devastating when it happened, but this is the longest he has been sober now. In the last 6 months he's relapsed 5 or 6 times, as opposed to relapsing 5 times in a week.

I guess you could say I'm counting that as a blessing. 

But things aren't the way they used to be. And I need to be accountable for that. 

I am tired. I have been tired for a very long time for all the shit he put me through. The strip clubs. The 'massages'. Gambling. Lying. The accidents, finding him facedown at a parking lot with a banged up eye. The yelling screaming and the cursing. 

Yesterday, he cursed at me again. I slapped him. There was a lot of screaming that followed, including pushing me into a corner, spitting on my face, throwing things around, cursing in front of abbu. 

I was numb. 

I don't recognize who I've become. 

When the times are great they're really great. He's respectful, kind, helps with everything around the house, shows me love in his own weird way. He doesn't look at me look at me anymore that's true, rarely approaches me or acknowledges my existence, calls me beautiful etc. It is a lonely existence but I make do with it, mostly because sobriety alone has been such a big blessing. 

I was just telling him the other day that we are finally in a good place after so so long. 

Ha. 

Spoke too soon.

There's too much trauma. Too much has happened. I was always afraid of that. Always told him that by the time you are ready for me, I may not be around, or may not be the same anymore.

I am not the same.

I am not the girl who wouldn't dream of hurting a fly. 

I actually slapped a grown man. My husband.

Why?

I didn't want to be cursed at. I didn't want to be pushed or shoved away. I didn't want violence to be the answer and yet I responded with violence. Why?

Because I have seen my mother been slapped, punched, cursed at, screaming, shoving, shouting, all of it. I didn't want any man to think I would be ok with it. 

But you're damned either way aren't you? As a woman?

If I can't stand being cursed, what do I do? Where do I go? Who will marry a 35 year old childless reject?

If I stand up for myself, well. I was being shoved into a corner 2 minutes later and spat on. And cursed more. He would've punched me if I hadn't screamed for his dad to intervene.

What options do you have as a woman to escape mistreatment? injustice? violence?

Why is our bar for men so low?

People see all the fake pretense, the nice clothes and the car and the house and think, what a lovely couple. Such great people.

It's not real.

But he's not having an affair? He hasn't hit you? He hasn't slapped your face? He doesn't stop you from meeting your parents? 

Where do we draw the line? When do I say, even this is not ok?

I don't know where to begin taking stock of my hurt and my pain. And frankly, my anger.

Exhausted.

e