I spent so so so long chasing this moment, I never thought about what comes after. The first time i saw these two lines I was in denial. I woke up a very sleepy S who was equally in shock. He said let’s wait till the blood test the next day.

I didn’t react the way i thought I would. I didn’t cry. I didn’t fall to my knees. To be honest, after so much disappointment, it’s still hard to believe. 

When the nurse was preparing the needle Monday morning, she asked me if I had cheated and tested. I did. She asked how quickly those lines turned red. I said barely within the minute.

“Well, then, you’re pregnant.”

“No chance of a false positive?”

“Nope. Not at all”

Of course the next few days are still critical. The HCG needs to double. I need to get the heartbeat. I still need about 45 more of those shots in my bum every day that make it so sore for me to walk.

But you know what was heartbreaking? 

When they called me Monday afternoon to confirm the HCG numbers were in range of where they should have been, you hugged me finally. And I could smell it on you. I knew that while I napped from sheer exhaustion of hormones and waiting and relief and anxiety, you decided to relapse. Again.

It’s been three days. We had decided to only tell my mom, but I had to tell her by myself because you’re too drunk. We didn’t do anything on New Years because you were too drunk to care, or drive. You did call me a choot and bhenchod again. I thought that would stop when I got pregnant, but no. 

I don’t know what to think. I don’t know who to blame, but myself. I trusted my mom who said do Istikhara and keep going, because I thought this would finally be enough for you. I thought we would be happy. 

You’ve yet again ruined this core memory for me. First time I got a positive pregnancy test in 12 years only to have you too drunk to remember any of it. You clumsily try to be there for me. Make me breakfast. Hug me but you smell like a bar, the cheap kind. Try to give me a shot but almost with the wrong needle and the wrong medication. 

I sometimes wonder what I was thinking. Why did I think I would have the chance at a normal life too. That you would magically just be ok. Even though I pushed you for the withdrawal shot. Found you a new therapist. Etc etc. But nothing ever changes does it. New job new city new house now a baby. I keep dragging you forward, you are firmly stuck in the past. 

It’s so sad. I can’t rejoice. Can’t be happy. Don’t know how to react. Wonder if I’ll ever forget how you wounded my heart in this moment. 

I don’t know.

Can’t sleep. Next blood test in two hours. They will confirm if pregnancy is moving along or a chemical. You will be too drunk or recovering to come with me, I’ll drive there alone. Ofcourse.

My heart. 

Making dua I get to keep this blessing only if I can do justice by it, and not cause any trauma to any innocent soul.

e