I want
more than anything
to reinvent
rewrite myself.


from

scratch.

i'm sick of trying to fit the mold.
id rather alter the mold to get it to fit me.

-exasperation-

hinbin-ur so head over heels.
me-huh? about what?
hinbin-u know....


there is a gaping void in the parts of me i used to find u in.
i search for u there,
but it's as if uve already left, and only the hollow echoes of your presence remain.
somehow i can feel you physically unraveling away from me, tearin' apart piece by piece.


i shy away from my own reflection
because even i remind myself of you.


u were right.
for now,
Everything has tainted.

for

for

for

for better

for worse

A Pill to forget: Can a medication suppress traumatic memories?

Observant doesn't mean silent. It means speaking forcefully in measured tones about what is happening.

God forbid you be an ugly girl, 'course too pretty is also your doom, 'cause everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room.

forlorn; ,desolate, godforsaken,lorn,
		marked by or showing hopelessness; "the last forlorn attempt"; "a forlorn cause"

forgo : to do without; lose or lose the right to by some error, offense, or crime;
refrain.

      
Will not be shaken and jump into this,
And be persuasive, 
Just carry on,
And make my mind up,
To go through this,
Or be firm, 
And sit in silence.
So turn and (don't) forfeit.

I'm not afraid of death but oh
What will I do if you leave me?
Do not forsake me,
oh my darlin'
You made that promise as a bride
Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'
Although you're grievin', don't think of leavin'

attempt at erasure poetry?
all the 'for' words are significant, out of context.
(words are randomli chosen from the 10th page of google searches.)


new mantra:-
forgive her forget him forgive him forget her


-end emo-
eeda

pagal-ness.

this one's for hinbin




eeda says-ok..alittle too much estrogen here.

hinbin says: ur face

eeda says: ur mum
eeda says: burnnnnnnnnnn
eeda says: hinbin KALI HOGAEE
eeda says: now hin and the fob can get MARRIED
eeda says: hahahahhaa

hinbin says: see how he ignored me today
hinbin says: aye hai

eeda says: well
eeda says: hes playing hard to get
eeda says: u need to up ur sex appeal huney
eeda says: do the hijab tease
eeda says: oye hoey hoeyyy

Hinbin says: fine, ill let out a strand of hair
Hinbin says: thats the slutiest ill go

eeda says: nope
eeda says: no can do
eeda says: u hav to let part of the hijab fall
eeda says: and say..OOOppppps
eeda says: and do the swish of the hair flick..and pin it back on

Hinbin says: then bend over to pick up what??

eeda says: no bending
eeda says: tho if u DO want to bend..
eeda says: he will get QUITE an eyeful
eeda says: ..EYESfull
eeda says: big bootay big boootay biig bootay..uh uh whoop whoop big bootay.


........


Hinbin says: i luv being on ur blog
Hinbin says: its like starrin in a book or somethin
Hinbin says: and u noe how much i love being in the light :)

eeda says: aaaahahahhaha
eeda says: Pagal
eeda says: sum people are too special to mention
eeda says: u bring them in the limelight and they lose their sparkle
eeda says: their ur..dirty lil secret



these words are my own
from my heart flow
i love you i love you i love you i love you.. <3
-Nat bed-in-field.
:P



thank u for the shoulder.
sorry about the jacket.
no im not wiping nothing off it. the jacket is urs, anything that previously belonged to me which is now on ur jacket,
is urs too.
deal with it.

<3


-eeda

This is a SPECIAL MENTION to crack.
thank u, 'cuz ura crackhead.
and incidentally, the only male that reads my blog.
(which may mean one of two things. ur too female for me to consider u a male, or ur just plain as cracked as i am.)
id like to think its the second of the two reasons ( so that u dont kill me).



My mother's side of the family has a very distinct rift between it.
There's Group A----> consisting of khala and nana, and sometimes nani.
1. extreme anti-touch. limited physical contact. very practical, almost to the point its brutal. very very very persistent, and equally as egotistic without realizing it.

Group B---->nani and ammi.
alternate from anti-touch to touch-me-lots. VERY emotional. ( to the point that the song Dulhay ka sehra causes an almost instant room flooding with tears and the like.) o, and equally as stubborn.

me? im in the middle

so, khala (shes from the anti-touch group) comes into my room, and says ' Farida, stand up.'
i walk over to the middle of my room
she gives me a huge hug.
she says' appa told me to do this. she said eeda would instantly go back to the old eeda.'

ACK! im not THAT desperate okay.
but, a hug does go a Loooooooooongggggggggggggggggggggggg way with me.
and i missed being able to curl up around ammi or deeju.

obviously, it was an instant tear-jerker moment ( for me, once she was out the room) what with all the crap that has been going around.
I dont think i can go back to being the old eeda though, despite how much that hug meant. it must have taken khala alot to do what she did, but then again i wouldn't be half as depressed and suicidal if she hadn't done what she did in the first place.
it's a very bitter sweet spot to be in.

and it's getting very difficult to reconcile the two. him, and them.
he makes me strong, and they make me weak.
he makes me stand up, and they make me give in.
and both of them make me equally vulnerable.

u know what? POORI duniya ka dimagh kharab hai. that's it. end of story.
mera bhi dimagh kharab hai.
aur, honay wala hai.
but then, he calls. and she hugs. and somehow.i dunno.
WHY is it so easy for me to forgive!


i know u all are prolli thinking now shes REALLI lost it.
well. maybe.
ill put up the chronological series-of-VERY-unfortunate-events-soon.
but for right now,
eeda is ..well not happy..bt calm, in a very chaotic way...does that make sense?

in my twisted little mind. it does.

me thinks im getting decidedly bi-polar. i spent the entire day in a state of extreme shock/numbness, only snapping out of it to randomi cry cuz i saw things tht reminded me of him too much.
and now im elated. almost.

hecalledhecalledhecalled.
ill explain the significance of that at a later date.

but honestly, SERIOUSLI. BOHOT pagal-pana hai.

i tolddddd uuuu.
it's our unbeaten record.



he ALWAYS calls back.
:D

What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up Like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore-- And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over-- like a syrupy sweet? Maybe it just sags like a heavy load. Or does it explode? -Dream deferred, by Langston Hughes. photo credits by sweet_as_hell on deviantart.com

being grateful..

to people who care.

*shuffles feet*
i want to give a HUGE emo thank u to..
neelo, for ur lamba sa emo email. i LOVED it, but havent gotten around to replying it.
to chun chun, for the countless offline messages on msn. i <3 thee michar.
to gunther. for the mini im-freaking-out-here-blog. we needs to comm-u-ni-cate soon.
to marina. for the mini-im-freaking-out-here comments. freaks. <3
to hinbin. for caring and calling.
and for the extra long e-hugs.

i <3 thee all.. and i knw we're all a bunch of overly dramatic emo brown bloggers.
ill eventually get around to lettin u knw whut happened, itll b on metaphorical. :)

-eeda

letting him go is the hardest thing ive done.

i've ruined it to the point of no return. he wont come back this time.
and its all.my.fault.
me, and my fucking big mouth.

i lost and found myself today.

i paid for my freedom, and i got it.
but the reason for which i wanted the freedom, was the price i had to pay.

i lost either way.

i wish i could
slit my wrists and lie in my own pool of blood till it burns black brown blue you.
i want you to mix in with my flaws my imperfections my weaknesses my vulnerability my blood me.
flow back in
pulsate
pound
rush
flow
throb along my clogged dry calloused sinews veins arteries heart and beat with me,
beat with every heartbeat every broken pulse every long withdrawn breathe that fails to reach my lungs and my heart.
beat with me as the oxygen runs out into the pool i lie dying in of life and love and you.
beat with me as you flow around and see this happening but feel just as suffocated and trapped and utterly utterly helpless as i do.
beat with me when i struggle for breath.beat beat beat my name in every cell.
beat with me and urge me to stay awake to the dying dreams of u which dapple like shadows skirting out of sight shadows that bid adieu shadows of blue in shades of you
beat with me as this body that you loved and cherished wracks its way to skies wracks its way to heaven to hell wracks its way tiptoeing on the fingerprints you left on it , the fingerprints on the burnt brown bruises where you calloused my tender skin with salty lips and broken promises.
beat with me. beat me.
beat
till i know not nothing till i know not numb till my mind turns weak and bleak like an unsung poem
beat with me
till the blacks and the blues and the many hues of u choke my eyelids my nose my mouth until all i see is a faded blue
all i see is me and you.



those are not my wrists.wish they were.

i am DEAD.
end of story. stories. everything.



i wont be available for a while.
im sorry.

Just when i thought this day could NOT be fixed, it did.
God has a VERY interesting sense of humor indeed.

some non-english speaking guy found my phone on the bus and got his room-mate to call the last received call on my cell phone (which was him. actually, the last 20 would've been him) sssssooo obviously he passed on the message to me, i squealed like a cat having its tail pulled, i called up the guy who found my phone, and we have a date at king george station tomorrow at 6 30.
:D

he says- the phone was lost. and its shut off. No one is EVER gnna return that phone.
me-this isn't new york. people actually do good deeds here.
him-i seriously doubt it. but let's see.

*afterwards*

me-is ur hope in humanity restored now?
him-well, Obama did get elected..BUT you can't trust someone u don't know, when u go meet this guy make sure u have someone with u.. even if it's prissy boy.
( he calls Nad prissy boy, which I find hilarious.)

But,
to hell with whutever he says.
I certainly have a much rosier view of the world, and i wnna go and give BIG HUGE ima-squash-you-into-two kinda hugs to everyone who returns cell phones ot their owners.

O.
AND i backed up most of my files on the laptop.
AND my laptop is actually working right now. not perfectly, but heck it i have all my files.
AND
life is fucking brilliant.

haey <3
thank u thank u thank u Allah.

-eeda.

so
just when i thought this day couldn't, in any way, go worse.
i dropped my phone in the bus.

and it's shut off.
which means either of 2 things.
1.whoever has it wants to keep it.
2.it's wedged in at a place where there's no service
and since the fucking ringer is on vibrate, even if i DID call, no one would hear it.
AND the lost and found stupid fucking service doesnt work till 11 tomorow fucking morning.

AND WORST of all, there is no way i can talk to him right now.

i swear i think im either going to dissolve into tears, or bang my head on the wall till it smashes. i could NOT give a fuck either way.
this is fcking insane.

in-fucking-sane.

me thinks what this overtly emo blog needs is a good old eeda-style Rant

so.
ive been missing again, apparently.
it's funny, everyone seems to notice im gone, but me.

me thinks im losing im mind.

i had a paper due monday worth 10% of my grade i conveniently didnt know about.
i have a midterm in 2 days i had no clue about until the last 15 minutes ago.
and o, my laptop decided to be a major bitchass drama-fucking-queen and go KA-put on me, which means it needs to be sent in for repair and all that jazz, which means i'm gnna b off the face of this planet for ANOTHER fuckin 15 days.

and in the fuckin meantime i need to book my ticket online, write up my essays, talk to dad, get info for my fuckin bank account which ofcourse ALL requires the use of my stupid laptop which from this moment henceforth i will not have.

AND on top of which my aunt has suddenly takien it upon herself to step in for my conscience, which she thinks has 'left the building' so to speak., for which reason she keeps reminding me of how much of dad's hard earned money im throwing around and this and that and all fuckin bull shit.

i KNOW all of that, okay? it kills me TWICE as much as it does to u, i can fucking assure u that. who gives you the right to ram it down my throat ? AND who gives u the right to come snooping into my room every two fuckin seconds to see who im talking to and why im talking to them and what im talking to them about. liek SERIOUSLY do u NOT have a life of ur own u can worry about?

-eeda is NOT pleased right now-
in fact, eeda is about to start screaming.
in like 2 minutes flat.

i don't know what i'd do without him. seriousli. as emo as it is, he keeps me sane. he fixes things the best way he can sitting 4000 miles away. and it's just good to be able to swear and yell at someone who won't get mad at u, which is me being totally selfish and oppurtunistic but.hm.

but on the brightr side. im going to pakistan in decemebr! :D :D :D
for all my paki stalkers we need a reunion,...in karachi!? PLEASE?
hmm.
and o, on another bright side, a dark man has finally become president of a so-called liberated and equal-treatement-for-all country after 220 years of its existence.
well, they had to start somewhere.

and hm. 2 weeks without my laptop. man.
AWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i need some mocha.
right.fucking.now.

-eeda

When i told you that this Halloween
i was going as just myself

i wasn't lying.

because then, for the first time,
i wouldn't be in costume.

('cuz i celebrate Halloween every day)


o, and i love fireworks.






she stands transfixed below the purple sky, gazing numbly at the chaos above.
'Fireworks are ..Divine', she whispers.
'What do you mean?'
'When i see a firework.......... it feels almost like millions of little angels are squeezing in through every choked pore in my skin, ripping out a strand of me and splashing it out across the sky. Those electric blues and sunshine yellows and sharp greens and reds as red as blood-curdling screams...those are all me.those are all you.'
She pauses,then softly..
'And those little angels up there,
they're painting our stories across the sky.'

photo credits Purple fireworks by ~kil1k

So, yeah
we went to see a fireworks show last night.
the grand finale of the fireworks was on the song 'Moondance'
coincidence? yes. ofcourse i HAD to call him.
and it was this moment. him singing along to moondance with me in one ear, and the fireworks shattering like spontaneous heartbreaks above, and the background sound like of gunshots and war.
it was just.this.moment.

i have it sketched to memory.

in short, the show was in.creh.dih.ble. and i was :O :O :O the entire time.
<3>so i've been a leeeeettle out of the radar lately ( sincerest apologies)...
it's kinda interesting to know that nowadays its twice as much fun reading the comments on blogs as opposed to the blogs themselves..and it's a MAD tedious task keeping up with comments too.

so.
yeah.
yeaaaaaaaaaaah.
gtta get going..goin to this brown dawat with lotsa brown clothes and brown food and general stiff brownie-ness.
thrilled?
ECSTATIC.
not.

Urg! update soon. love all of youzeeee!
-eeda