13th december-20th december.
for the happiest week of my life,
i have lived within you as if in a dream.
thank you.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Saturday, December 5, 2009
quoted.
'See, I can see you exactly as how you are'
'Who am I?'
'A very scared little girl.'
Despite the facade.
Never fun having the shell cracked by a complete stranger.
Don't see right through me.
How do I fix the world?
'That responsibility is Not yours'
if only, lekin nahee.
'You know, you're beautiful. he'll never leave you'
drunken compliments or truth proclamations?
'Don't leave. I wanna come back and find you.'
I wait for no one. I'm Sorry.
Insomnia.
I havent slept in 5 days, maybe a total of 12 hours of sleep spread out. If that.
+ a meal a day.
If that.
Spiraling.................Senselessly.
-eeda.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
eeda- hey, u want a banana?
steph-sure.
eeda- i like how we both like bananas
stpeh- i know, even though i've never tried one before
eeda-bananas are sooooo good. theyre the best.
-on sexually explicit conversations about Runts (fruit shaped candy).
:P
hahahahaha.. this to 30 page marketing papers, migraines, Asian legs and Brown hair.
<3
-eeda
steph-sure.
eeda- i like how we both like bananas
stpeh- i know, even though i've never tried one before
eeda-bananas are sooooo good. theyre the best.
-on sexually explicit conversations about Runts (fruit shaped candy).
:P
hahahahaha.. this to 30 page marketing papers, migraines, Asian legs and Brown hair.
<3
-eeda
Happiness is not about having what you want but wanting what you have.
-says wise person.
and that's why i love you. i couldn't figure it out earlier and it used to frustrate the F out of me why id go for you when you were nothing like what i wanted in a person.
but now i have you, and that is where i find my happiness.
thank u.
-says wise person.
and that's why i love you. i couldn't figure it out earlier and it used to frustrate the F out of me why id go for you when you were nothing like what i wanted in a person.
but now i have you, and that is where i find my happiness.
thank u.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
ill call this one... -crumblecake-
its not like i dont have things to be grateful for. i do.
but family is far, friends are further, and nightmares are still too close to home.
i am grateful for us, the most beautiful time ive known.
i wish there were things, other than heartache, to talk about.
but really, what is the point of recording the momentary in-betweens?
thats whut disney and fairytales are for.
i think of u in between spaces and screams, bus rides and rain drops,
phonecalls, shattered window panes, hysteria and grief.
the numbness spreads behind the facade, freezing nerve endings, synapses to
feel no pain show no signs of annhiliation lest
you break your resolve. this
is for You, afterall. I
refuse
to crumble at your feet, you need
to leave me behind.
(crawling in your wake).
Heartbreak underrated, what are we to name
this shattering of soul, of faith,
Hope. no words to name the
Nothing that is left
(of you, of i)
what wudnt i give to hear from you again?
pathetic.
bleargh.
Eeda. you are stronger than this.
yes u are. u are. u are u are u are. even if ur alone within these mocha coloured walls, so far from home. even if you dont know anyone in this house of familiar strange faces, even though at night you will no one to call upon when you start seeing faces in the shadows again. even though there is nothing ot fall back upon anymore,
even then, you will be stronger than this.
please?
please.
its not like i dont have things to be grateful for. i do.
but family is far, friends are further, and nightmares are still too close to home.
i am grateful for us, the most beautiful time ive known.
i wish there were things, other than heartache, to talk about.
but really, what is the point of recording the momentary in-betweens?
thats whut disney and fairytales are for.
i think of u in between spaces and screams, bus rides and rain drops,
phonecalls, shattered window panes, hysteria and grief.
the numbness spreads behind the facade, freezing nerve endings, synapses to
feel no pain show no signs of annhiliation lest
you break your resolve. this
is for You, afterall. I
refuse
to crumble at your feet, you need
to leave me behind.
(crawling in your wake).
Heartbreak underrated, what are we to name
this shattering of soul, of faith,
Hope. no words to name the
Nothing that is left
(of you, of i)
what wudnt i give to hear from you again?
pathetic.
bleargh.
Eeda. you are stronger than this.
yes u are. u are. u are u are u are. even if ur alone within these mocha coloured walls, so far from home. even if you dont know anyone in this house of familiar strange faces, even though at night you will no one to call upon when you start seeing faces in the shadows again. even though there is nothing ot fall back upon anymore,
even then, you will be stronger than this.
please?
please.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML
#6377281 (97)
On 11/20/2009 at 2:29am - love - by lonelyman (man) - United States (Florida)
........
Lonely creature by the bar, blue shot glass, crystal vodka,... swimming mascara and empty eyes, the remnants of his goodbye..
The walls are oddly luminiscent, silver chandelier painted onto blood red, ceiling floor corner red. She gives herself up to the noise and the exhilaration, oblivious to the wandering hands around her waist, the stranger casually caressing her hair. It is about the lights tonight, not him. Just the lights.
The silver bursts like a twitching electric eel in aquamarine darkness. There is silence in this cacophony, depth in the materialistic shallowness. She passes from the arms of one into another, lightly held as if even they can sense her fragility.
'I can tell, you are having a bad night love'
The best night ever, actually. The oblivion, the drunkness, the hysteria subdued in the chaos, the cold night. Dark enough to obliterate everything, save one. Her thoughts find him, even in the daze. His face shimmers like a seraph.
Come home to me jaan.
She spins like a ballerina, a whirlwind before the Eyes. Spins, unravelling her dark secrets in strips of crimson cloth memories nightmares silently cried out. Silent.
find a way home find a way home find a way like a mantra. They are bewitched hypnotic by her fear her grief and her fire. They burn with her, scorched, screaming, and yet healed by her hysteria, convinced that to annihilate the soul is to find Peace.
#6377281 (97)
On 11/20/2009 at 2:29am - love - by lonelyman (man) - United States (Florida)
........
Lonely creature by the bar, blue shot glass, crystal vodka,... swimming mascara and empty eyes, the remnants of his goodbye..
The walls are oddly luminiscent, silver chandelier painted onto blood red, ceiling floor corner red. She gives herself up to the noise and the exhilaration, oblivious to the wandering hands around her waist, the stranger casually caressing her hair. It is about the lights tonight, not him. Just the lights.
The silver bursts like a twitching electric eel in aquamarine darkness. There is silence in this cacophony, depth in the materialistic shallowness. She passes from the arms of one into another, lightly held as if even they can sense her fragility.
'I can tell, you are having a bad night love'
The best night ever, actually. The oblivion, the drunkness, the hysteria subdued in the chaos, the cold night. Dark enough to obliterate everything, save one. Her thoughts find him, even in the daze. His face shimmers like a seraph.
Come home to me jaan.
She spins like a ballerina, a whirlwind before the Eyes. Spins, unravelling her dark secrets in strips of crimson cloth memories nightmares silently cried out. Silent.
find a way home find a way home find a way like a mantra. They are bewitched hypnotic by her fear her grief and her fire. They burn with her, scorched, screaming, and yet healed by her hysteria, convinced that to annihilate the soul is to find Peace.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
To You, from Me, with Love.
Loving you is a scary thing.
Frightening, nerve-wrecking,terrifying.
I exaggerate,
but not this time.
You are old, that is true. Your wisdom and experience intimidate me,make me put myself to shame. I feel i am small, minuscule, unworthy of your attention, can be easily dismissed. You do not dismiss me, and that is scary. I feel i need to grow myself up every time i need to reach you, as if you are standing on an invisible, unreachable tier above me. I question myself whether I really should be forcing myself to do so, so soon, so often, and whether I really want to. I am immature and childish still; but I hide this away from you like hideous, repulsive flaws in my soul, lest you ridicule, laugh at me. I know you love me far too much to ever stoop to that level, but I feel i must put on this invisible facade of maturity every time to find your approval, for you are far up high, out of grasp.
At first it was this that had made us special, or made me fall for you. Attention from higher quarters for a lost, broken soul like me? I was pleased, felt praised,noticed, loved. I flew higher above clouds and rainbows, walked on starry night skies with my head held up high.
Now, i shuffle feet in your wake. I feel our conversations attach invisible hooks to my shoulders and drag me up towards you, and that is the only way i can feel equal to you, connect with you. It is tiring, and painful sometimes, draining...but comforting when you promise you will heal and look after me,and that above all
you love me..
It is then i feel no shame in curling up into a little ball, lying at your feet. No shame in this belittling vulnerability.
There are times i feel patronized, when you, like them, point out my flaws and tell me to become a certain way, a certain person. I am not Anyone but Me, and i wish to evade everything that shapes me otherwise, even if it is you. I feel threatened, my identity at the risk of annihilation, and so i push push and push everything and everyone away from me with an unjustified malevolence,sudden hostility and undeserved bitterness. It is instinctive self-preservation you see, i am overwhelmed by everyone encroaching the little sphere i call and know as my own, leaving me feeling betrayed, invaded.
It may be that I am too proud to ask for some space, but i make sure my actions with you will warrant me that. I am so deeply sorry I become that person, spiteful and vicious, it isn't your fault. I just feel an instinctive need to protect everything I am, like a mother protects her firstborn, like a young girl protects herself from lecherous eyes and probing hands. Maybe that is what it is, that particular incident in the past has caused me to become over-protective of myself. I know this is little in the way of justification for how I sometimes treat you, but i need you to understand. I act dominating not because I am that way, or because I want to be that way with you, but because on the contrary i feel i am trampled upon, flattened, violated.
It is a complicated monotony I have no other way of explaining. I know only this, that despite everything, despite me, you love me. You remain fixated,the one stable element in my chaotic life as i travel across continents, shift universities, shift homes from city to city, from suburb to suburb. You are the constant, the immovable, the calm center in the cacophony of my life.
And I know that when I am done being bitter, when i am done pushing you away, when i am done crushing you with sarcasm and jibes, when I am done being dominating or falling apart, i know you are always there,
And I know that I still love you despite the consuming fear,
despite the fact that
Loving you is a scary thing.
I just hope you understand that this is why I am ...controlling at times. The need to feel that you are not the only one who can overwhelm me, that i have as much say in this too. I hope you understand my sudden bouts of immaturity, i need to know that i can still feel that, that you are okay with it, that is is okay to be that person still, that i am 20 and not 35. I hope you understand why i feel like i am not living life as youthfully as i should, i spent my entire life convinced that the only way to be is to be mature, and so i always tried to be years more mature than i was to find that approval from everyone, above all my father. It is only now i have realized what i have lost. i yearn for that lost time, i yearn to let my hair down, stop being so uptight, to not care for the consquences of my actions, to not worry so much about every little detail, to do something daring, to be carefree and Enjoy every.second.of.it.
i just hope understand, that above all. i love you.
Loving you is a scary thing.
Frightening, nerve-wrecking,terrifying.
I exaggerate,
but not this time.
You are old, that is true. Your wisdom and experience intimidate me,make me put myself to shame. I feel i am small, minuscule, unworthy of your attention, can be easily dismissed. You do not dismiss me, and that is scary. I feel i need to grow myself up every time i need to reach you, as if you are standing on an invisible, unreachable tier above me. I question myself whether I really should be forcing myself to do so, so soon, so often, and whether I really want to. I am immature and childish still; but I hide this away from you like hideous, repulsive flaws in my soul, lest you ridicule, laugh at me. I know you love me far too much to ever stoop to that level, but I feel i must put on this invisible facade of maturity every time to find your approval, for you are far up high, out of grasp.
At first it was this that had made us special, or made me fall for you. Attention from higher quarters for a lost, broken soul like me? I was pleased, felt praised,noticed, loved. I flew higher above clouds and rainbows, walked on starry night skies with my head held up high.
Now, i shuffle feet in your wake. I feel our conversations attach invisible hooks to my shoulders and drag me up towards you, and that is the only way i can feel equal to you, connect with you. It is tiring, and painful sometimes, draining...but comforting when you promise you will heal and look after me,and that above all
you love me..
It is then i feel no shame in curling up into a little ball, lying at your feet. No shame in this belittling vulnerability.
There are times i feel patronized, when you, like them, point out my flaws and tell me to become a certain way, a certain person. I am not Anyone but Me, and i wish to evade everything that shapes me otherwise, even if it is you. I feel threatened, my identity at the risk of annihilation, and so i push push and push everything and everyone away from me with an unjustified malevolence,sudden hostility and undeserved bitterness. It is instinctive self-preservation you see, i am overwhelmed by everyone encroaching the little sphere i call and know as my own, leaving me feeling betrayed, invaded.
It may be that I am too proud to ask for some space, but i make sure my actions with you will warrant me that. I am so deeply sorry I become that person, spiteful and vicious, it isn't your fault. I just feel an instinctive need to protect everything I am, like a mother protects her firstborn, like a young girl protects herself from lecherous eyes and probing hands. Maybe that is what it is, that particular incident in the past has caused me to become over-protective of myself. I know this is little in the way of justification for how I sometimes treat you, but i need you to understand. I act dominating not because I am that way, or because I want to be that way with you, but because on the contrary i feel i am trampled upon, flattened, violated.
It is a complicated monotony I have no other way of explaining. I know only this, that despite everything, despite me, you love me. You remain fixated,the one stable element in my chaotic life as i travel across continents, shift universities, shift homes from city to city, from suburb to suburb. You are the constant, the immovable, the calm center in the cacophony of my life.
And I know that when I am done being bitter, when i am done pushing you away, when i am done crushing you with sarcasm and jibes, when I am done being dominating or falling apart, i know you are always there,
And I know that I still love you despite the consuming fear,
despite the fact that
Loving you is a scary thing.
I just hope you understand that this is why I am ...controlling at times. The need to feel that you are not the only one who can overwhelm me, that i have as much say in this too. I hope you understand my sudden bouts of immaturity, i need to know that i can still feel that, that you are okay with it, that is is okay to be that person still, that i am 20 and not 35. I hope you understand why i feel like i am not living life as youthfully as i should, i spent my entire life convinced that the only way to be is to be mature, and so i always tried to be years more mature than i was to find that approval from everyone, above all my father. It is only now i have realized what i have lost. i yearn for that lost time, i yearn to let my hair down, stop being so uptight, to not care for the consquences of my actions, to not worry so much about every little detail, to do something daring, to be carefree and Enjoy every.second.of.it.
i just hope understand, that above all. i love you.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
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