Leaving...

on a jet plane.

Yet again.

i am overwhelmed by how much i will miss you.

but know this, 

i will miss you more than anything, and anyone.

that's why im leaving half of me behind with you na?

this is not the end jaan.

this, 

is the real beginning. 

and i still love you.

more than yesterday, less than tomorrow.

-eeda.

smile baby!

he could've sucked the soul right out of my lips,

and i wouldn't have said a word to him.

you mean the world to me when you were in front of me. i cannot get enough of you.
the second you are away, im overwhelmed again. you resume to be just a face in the picture next to me,
despite the fact i can still smell your cigarette on my breath.

i write poetry with my words.

you,

with your (infinite) kisses.

so good to have u jaan.

-eeda

To-the-umpteenth-6:30a.m-sleepless-morning,

Some hope for the tired tired eyes,

please?

-eeda

i am looking for the younger me, elusive
at my fingertips,
mischievous, this child of mine.
grinning from the top of red brick
rooftops, graffiti-ed
bus stops;

barely, but never there.

the blue skies envelope me into a pensive mood. it is difficult to sort out thought-patterns, and i find myself traipsing on windy green hills, chasing gray thought after bewitching gray thought; none of which i fully understand.

i am struck to the core; drained as my thoughts leave the pores of my mind like shoals of escaping fish, and envelope the soul like a hurricane.
infinite questions, firm decisions which become shaky outside of me, mocking me with their sudden volatility.

i am held hostage to my mind, and i do not know how to overcome it. i am trying to re-resolve all of the issues carefully one by one, to render them the same careful judgments i had earlier, to re-establish the coherency and stability in my life, but to no avail.
The Issues aren't settling with previous verdicts. Unlike prisoners, they are judges of me, and demand revisions, repeat repeat repeat, and yet without approval or consent, refusal to re-bury themselves in the coal black crevices of my mind.

I am struck by a waterfall, everything is coming at me at once, and I am overwhelmed.
So i search for the younger me, case precedent. Perhaps she will resolve my thoughts better than i now can, perhaps then i can go back to normalcy, and not have this feeling of floating emptiness.

on a brighter note, S is visiting tomorrow. :)
-eeda

Minor delights in life=


Two slices of brown bread, one golden brown grilled chicken fillet, 2 slices of melted cheddar cheese, 2 slices of fresh lettuce, 5 pieces of cucumber, french paprika dressing, mayo, and ketchup.

and of course, the orange peach mango juice.

=Bliss.

i wonder why then people think i do not eat,
magar kambakht college ne kuch nahee sikhaya to peth bharna to sikha hi deya.
:)

So, the other day..I got into a discussion about Bollywood stereotypes with an Asian friend of mine.After explaining to him that not all movies have people randomly appearing out of nowhere and bursting into song and dance, he said this to me;

'I would've never guessed you knew so much about Bollywood... I thought you were pretty white'

The sad thing is, he couldn't be further from the truth. I am one of the biggest bollywood aficionados that I know, and could belt out tunes from the 1920's without a hiccough. 

i dont think anyone knows who i am anymore. i've become a little too good at this, fool-everyone game.

that, to me, is petrifying.

S-Dude, these Japanese bug fights are so cool..we hate them and kill them anyway, might as well let them do the job.

E- why would u do that?

S-wouldn't you kill the bug?

E-no, id put it on a piece of paper and throw it out.

S-okay gujju jain.

E-its not gujju jain. im a humanitarian. no, im a bug-arian.

S-really? where are u from? Bugland?


HAHAHAHA..
i love u too
-eeda

the wish

on every 11:11, shooting star and birthday candle......

i see other people becoming Us and i am a tad little envious.

i want to become yours too,

in a permanent unquestionable way.

.

heartaches and other nuisances

 .


How do i go back to living with parents i haven't since the last 4 years who remember the 17-yr-old-me and not the 21-yr-old which are now two completely different people?

i will fall apart in pieces.
(among other things)


.

if only it would suffice to spew out precious nothings as odes in your wake, and to end the matter thus, confined to some dark forgotten corner in rust caked memory.
or to carve your name as a bronzen emblem on shivering bare blue skin.
were it sufficient if i was to seal your lips on an eternal canvas, paint color motes drawn from corals of sunsets, the pinky hues of tissue and flesh from petals of amaranth.
to end the matter thus and call this evidence of love. accolades of you reverberate in every miniscule second of waking consciousness, and be it enough of you.

never enough.

!

un.fucking.believable

you are

.

'it proves there are things more important to you than this relationship'

are you fucking serious right now?

i find

that i do not have the ability

to seduce you 

anymore.


it is a rather scary predicament.












.

what else is a scary predicament is losing a years worth of pictures and other data.

shucks.

I sit besides my lonely fire -

And pray for wisdom yet: 

For calmness to remember -

Or courage to forget”

The many million loopholes in the plan; why didn't they exist in the comfort of childhood? barely held together by dreams and innocence and plastered with smiles as bandages... Hope, that wonderful thing.

dont tell me you didn't have a master plan growing up; things you wanted to do, places you wanted to go, people you wanted to become... and what if all of that came true and it still did not give you what you want.

still something always infinitely lacking.

and no, i'm not one to complain.
it's just time to realize the plan was never finite, never set in stone, never fulfillable...
it's time to move-on and make new more cautious dreams
perhaps with heart more contained and eyes more on the road than in the blue skies...

but the best part is,

the dream isn't dead yet.

-eeda