there will be...

hold up hold up while i sort out my mind.

i must suppress this female tendency to subdue the gory, and speak for what it is,
(perhaps to feminize the honest rot will make it appear more pleasant, tolerable)

.....................................................

the doctor of brains tells me he does not know how it is;
can i capture it how it is, can i say it how it is?
when all else fails but for the tears, he says. be a student. that comes first, right now.
i protest. but i am also a daughter!

you will always be a daughter.
(you are a student first)
it is this capitalism that they inject in my bloodstream, coursing like poison, but also the antidote to the grief at home.

things have settled down in a plastic,contained sort of way. bound in strips of clingfilm and social gatherings; we are a-okay.
..........................................................

my brain twirls gently between throbbing membranes, interlocking
spider veins, steely tendrils to hold
it in place.
my face
an empty spot
between the faces of others in photographs,
the blank space i wish i could fill,
but cannot erase.

i look at ghost albums displayed
frivolously
at my windowsill.
still moments of shock, surprise, shared
passion,
i will never feel.
locked, Pandora's box, my
heart,
concealed.

..............................................................

and just like that, the words that were tumbling over each other in my mouth to rush forward onto the keyboard and stain it greyblackblue; silence and disappear.

i want to thank Gunther, u've been there since the very start, and ur message meant the world to me. i think i'm too much of a coward to actually ever run, but ur offer was sincere, and truly touching. thank u.

-eeda