kash ke

i could say jo mere andar ho raha hai.


God has a funny way of testing people; but sometimes i feel i've been hand-picked as a favorite. i discovered about M's personality disorder last weekend, and suddenly so much in my life made sense. like all the candles in the room lighting up at once, a scene out of a romance movie this was not, but neither was it abject horror. it was the well-crafted explanation you keep buried in your heart come true to life, and the resulting relief and at once, fear....was crippling..liberating...
the ultimate testament from other ''victims'' they call it echoing in my throat..i am sane.. i have NOT lost my mind. or have i? close to it.
i may need years of therapy to cope, i don't know. years to wipe clear the stains and stumps in a broken heart.
the incidents haven't stopped, just started making more sense. as they enter the realm of my new relationships, i feel withered, defeated, even here. the agony lashes out at her, telling her that at least, let this space be mine own.
they don't understand why i would disengage one i so love; i do not want them to burn in the pride as i have, make me feel the worthlessness that i have become.

and then happened the incident of yesterday. another gross violation of body, privacy, self.... this time again, someone so dear. the distance of it made me temporarily apathetic to what had happened. but S's reaction and utter fury made me realize the depth of what had occured. i cannot face him anymore, living in this same house as me, and i question motives objectives and sincerity behind 'you're doing well'. how naive of me. was it pure brotherhood or?
i cannot bear to think the thought and yet it races through my  mind and in fact, all over my sullen face, giving me a permanent blush...an insane fever burning across my cheeks. i refuse to be the victim but being in his presence after the encounter yesterday seems impossibly hard; like two guilty victims we stare at our toes, phones, knuckles blanched in shame.

what do u do when you lose something so dear to you you built so tentatively? i have learnt that the male ego can never be pure like mine, or am i questioning a friendship where we had promised no questions left unanswered? now a hundred questions bubble in my mind and i cannot think, resounding again with the same persistent 'why' i had and still want to ask my khalu, over and over again.

what is it about me that leads to this i wonder? i am trying to evade the self-guilt but it is impossible in a situation like this, person like me. i float away with agony, crumpled lotus flower form on a grey waterbed....wondering when it will end.

the shrink is is needed again perhaps, the anguish too much for the little frame to contain, the fever flashing across face, mind, heart is crippling my thinking. just an intense sorrow i contain behind a tight lipped facade, smiling only when the tide subsides, retreating in myself otherwise..

save me ya Allah, no more. please no more.
-eeda