there are...

abysses in rainbows, and loopholes in fairy tales.

i always tend to evade the over-dramatic, atleast in my own count, but it follows me like a bad ghost habit. one cultivated from long years of avoidance, playing chase.

words. i used to feel powerful in this own revelation that i could mold them around my wrist like a poisonous snake aching to taste the sour skin surface but holding out of sheer terror.
those same words are terrorizing me now.

I downplayed a lot of things, that I've been feeling guilty about.

I thought that talking to u on Skype was not right.

I thought that talking to u when everyone is feeling awkward is not right.

I thought that caring for u was not right.

I thought that loving u for the person u r was not right.

But all of the above is right if my actions towards u were not of intimacy.

  

At what unturned stone will u mark boundary and say, nay, i have not yet crossed the realm of intimacy to claim you as mine, we are still safe as strangers, woven as friends and perhaps,..
perhaps no more. i may be the phoenix that sears into your heart, can read smoldering looks hastily turned away embedded in anger,i  can read whatever i find reflected in the red pools within your soul..this mirage tells me stories and i say, i love you for all the myriad dreams i dream, and never once of touch, never once of anything beyond the intimate. 
a-quivering i beg to remain with you, without you. 


but how do i begin to forgive? 
why are you still the only one who walks through the fire to ask? why ask.

sometimes, you are more stressful to me than work

sometimes, i paint pathways in the greyblue sky and dot them with silver. 
open and close. not surprise, resignation, and defeat. inevitability.

what have i become?

 i reach out and you lock all the darkness back within me, can we talk of something else?

open and close. yes, what would you like to talk about? 

i see my painted stars drifting, drifting drifting into chaos. 

dulhan se ziada dulhan ki maa..

mere dil se ziada mein... mein kuch nahee. ji ji ji. 

i will paint this summer in strokes of utter, vivid Red..

the golden is irritating me beyond depths i can fathom.

so u noticed?

IBKMB: hey.

eeda: hey

IBKMB: how r u?

eeda: im ok

eeda: =) 

IBKMB: sure?

eeda: yeh

IBKMB:u don't look it.

eeda: ill get there

IBKMB:u r getting worse.

eeda: i need time.

eeda: its not u. its everything else too.

IBKMB:don't lie.

eeda: i would never lie to u. i never have

IBKMB:not even to make me feel better?

eeda: i said im ok.

IBKMB: ok.  I'm just saying that I'll be grateful if u don't lie even to make me feel better.
IBKMB: thankful

eeda: im ok. composed as best as i can be. and its not u, its evrything else too. thats the honest truth.

IBKMB:need venting? 
IBKMB:please do. 

IBKMB: I'll feel better too.

eeda: no. no venting. 
IBKMB: y?

eeda: u cannot vent sadness. u can vent anger

IBKMB: but u can vent the reasons.

IBKMB: u've done that in the past.
eeda: no.

eeda: im tired. let it be.

eeda: it will go 
IBKMB: something is diff.

eeda: this is me when ive had too much.
IBKMB: I know but this is where u vent. 
IBKMB: more the reason to.

eeda: this is where i shut off.

IBKMB: don't, we need u on.
IBKMB: please.

eeda: =)
IBKMB: please say something.

IBKMB:anything.

eeda: i need time. and quiet.

eeda: and myself.

i know i did.

-heh- just re-read that convo. so dramafulawkwardfunnysilly. its going to make me laugh for a longgg time.

time for me to finish this long-overdue paper.

-eeda