never thought

id be writing my next post as a married woman.. (can i correct this to married girl?!|)

i did it..it happened. 3 years of chasing and fighting and pushing and waiting and deliberations and confirmations later...i married him...i dont know why, whether it was the security, whether it was him, whether it was the love, the kissing of the eyelids or the infinite pecks on the fingers, the unwillingness to let go? i cant pinpoint to a single reason..
my brains a mush ball right now...nothings maing sense..it seems like a dream i am trying to wake up from...theres pictures of me on facebook dressed as a bride...i dont recognize myself. theres him, and that scent of him..and the hugs...theres my parents approval, albeit hesitant, to let us go on halal dates now...i can sneak in with him to a house full of people and everyones okay with it! i think that the most shocking part of it somehow, the fact that there is no sneaking anymore..everyone know about him, everyone adores him and that we're somehow..miraculously....married.

someone up there had a field day writing my life out.

i cant believe its the same guy..we would go out to lakes and have lunches and dinner and ehem 'fun' in the backseats of cars..and i keep looking at him in..awe? wonder? horror? shock....who is this guy..did i marry him..do i love him..is he the same person, the same drug i wrote about 3 years ago..something irreparably changes the second u say the i do's, and i cant explain it here somehow..something of that willful soul of reckless abandonment u have as a dating couple changes once ur married, perhaps because theres no ticking clock anymore to measure out the existence of 'us', and ur left with a serene eternity to look forward to ...
we're tired and blessed......so we sit silently by the water, looking at geese and ducks and the blue sky, holding hands, humming, dancing silently on rocks with the water lapping at our feet..in awe and awe and awe...

i guess it will take time to realize and comprehend.....but i still feel, despite the inner chaotic,...that i am blessed, blessed, blessed...Alhamdolilah..he treasures me, and he is ALL mine :) i hope Allah swt. keeps this spark of trust and love in us throughout the struggle ahead, i hope our kids see it but more so, feel it..i hope it inspires and uplifts, despite my depressive tendencies..i hope neither of us forgets where we came from and what it took to be with each other..even if it seems like a dream....Ameen.

in the meantime, im going to miss him like crazy (he left yesterday) and will badger him like a true wife to come back soon ish :)

all for now, updates later..
eeda