of apples, and direction.

want to write but im not sure of what.

the person you love and the person you marry may or may not be the same person,
and i wonder sometimes what am have i getting gotten myself into?

do you only ever understand the singeing consequences when you have achieved what it was you so wanted to achieve?
why do we never listen to Adults when they tell us otherwise.

i see glimpses of you sometimes in our conversations, but most other times i see a Stranger i don't know. Most definitely not the person i intended to marry and yet it is his voice on the other end of the phone, dictating, almost always dictating in matters which do not suit him well. the tiny stubborn particularities with which his family is well-acquainted and i, once, had the power not to bow down to but now i don't, or didn't need to.

the exclusionary principle has already expired, ladies and gentlemen; a most thrilling show.

(and a most difficult life person)
.................................

they say original sin was not in the eating of the apple but of Eve's intense yearning that her subconscious belove, Adam, eat of it. i went along for the ride and you were Eve and this apple maybe i was not ready for.

what to do what to do what to do. to go on and have faith or set boundaries right now? to ask to be respected or to bow down just to end the conflict?
..................................


it is an open field. most romantic visuals show you this. or how stories start always with 'once upon a time' and 'the end' (almost always happy) and the many cliches with which we surround and fool ourselves.
nonetheless, it is an open field. wheat grass goldenbrown waist-high and blue blue brightbabyblue sun. knee-high boots and mud in hair and white wheat clouds and staring at an infinite heaven.
there is no end to this visual. it just exists in my head rolled up next to other mental happyjars.
.............................

desi people tend to interfere too much. its not your shaadi its mine, so keep your in-my-face-religious-dogma only-recently-discovered to yourself and let me find my God my own way. would that be okay Allah? i hope so. i think so.

when will i EVER be allowed to be my own person?
..............................

i wish i could run away. to an open field. lie in mud without having my almost ocd cleanliness perfectionism not haunt me but just let me be at peace with beetles, bugs and the blueblue sky.
..............................

i can never look you in the eye again until you tell me you loved me once, despite making me feel insignificant as a child, and that was the true reason for our friendship and your invasive almost concern. i cannot stand dishonesty and it lurks in the walls in your basement room below me. come clean to me, your lies haunt my mind.
............................

there is no innocence. not even in open fields. there is something sinister in the very earth we live in, the earth of which my flesh is made. i feel earthquakes when no one does, the earth shivers for the lies we stamp on its face, the hypocrisy we feed into its soul.
.............................

yeh kahan agaye hum? this is NOT where i intended to be.

this is Not where i intended to be at all, S.




-eeda