what's new?


i moved to a different city. 2 days short of our first month here.
S and his brother got into a fist fight brawl yesterday. there was blood. cops came over.
we convinced them it was brotherly 'rumbunctious' love that got a tad out of hand.
no one pressed charges. no one was arrested. not sure if anyone was shaken up enough to realize that this can't happen anymore.


i write as i am feeling. completely utterly numb.
my mind has turned to mush. nothing makes sense. nothing feels good. all my days are stitched together into one long episode where everything keeps repeating in cycles but nothing changes.
self-medication is the only only thing that keeps the headaches at bay and my sanity loosely intact enough i make it from one day to the next.


my anxiety is the worst it's ever been. i am not having panic attacks anymore because i have numbed myself enough so i no longer feel anything, but internalized anxiety and stress doesn't mean its disappeared. it comes out in other ways.
mostly brain fog, all the time. not being able to think straight. not retaining any new information so no short term memories, very poor recall, and terrifying nightmares. being chased, running, stabbing someone who wont die, and almost always, something to do with flights. missing flights, or being on an airplane and getting kicked off, or never making it to the airport, or being at the airport but being lost at the terminal. not sure what that's about.
my head feels like...being at sea is the best way to describe it. as if my brain's rolling back and forth so I can't tell which way is up or down. it's worst when I wake up, so i can barely keep my eyes open. sleeping in helps, but then i've been sleeping in for hours and hours hoping the nightmare that awaits when i wake up is better than the nightmare i dreamt of with my eyes closed.


i don't know what to do. which isn't true. i do know what to do but i am terrified to do it because.
im scared of the unknown
im scared that this next step will end my life as i know it, break my bond with S somehow which is already quite broken and I unable to admit it
scared ke log kya kahenge. yes really.
scared of never being able to come back. what if it does end up in an divorce and then would i want to be a divorced 30 year old? what aer my prospects then?
scared of loneliness
scared of independance. of having to brave the world myself. not that he offers any protection but there's still some peace there in my mind.


it's insane isnt it that i would find peace in the violence and the cops and the throwing punches and keys and glasses and phones flying everywhere in the middle of the night and screams and shouting and cursing MORE than i would peace in meing alone without any violence....


it's not insane when you think that violence is all i have known. I have seen my mother be punched and slapped and so this violence doesn't surprise me. it should but it doesnt. it should shake my core but it doesnt. it should elicit some emotion from me but it doesn't.


you know what elicits emotion? when Ahlee texts me that I am not alone, to not feel alone. that i have a home to run to if i want. then i ball my eyes out.


my heart and mind and soul is otherwise shut. drowning in cotton fields keep pulling cotton balls out of my mouth and ringing ears.


this too shall pass. hopefully. soon. i hope i stay alive long enough to see the end of it.


e