after his 8 day sober spell when he did relapse, i should say it came as a surprise but really didn't. of course the usual happened, heartache, anguish, pain like i had neevr felt before.
my heart feels like it's been ripped open again. i want to tear the world apart.
my rage knows no bounds.
how much longer? what more? how much more.
ya Allah is there no end to the tests you put us through?

i refused to leave my room for 3 days. sleeping working and crying. he came and lied down on me today, his head shaking uncontrollably. tremors. withdrawl symptom after aclean break and relapse.
his head shook for hours.
when i refused to sleep with him in our room he became violent again, as he does when he doesn't get his way drunk or in withdrawal. he banged on the door so hard i thought someone in the building would call the cops. he called me all the worst names in the book and finally, i grabbed my coat and left at 130am. drove teh car infront of his face while he waso n the phone screaming.

but chicken that i am, 7 years of doing this later, it's still not enough for me to finally have the balls to leave. 30 minutes later i was home, and he was in his bed and i in mine. 2 roomates barely acquainted who speak the 10 days a month he is intermitently sober, but otherwise live this false parade of appearances waiting to see who dies first.

my life is in shambles. i have no where to run. no place i feel safe. terrified to be without a roof over my head i call home. no family within 1000 miles. alone.

and a God who isn't done with me yet. i have cried and pleaded and begged and prayed and there still seems to be no end. no end to this misery.

dont know what to do. curse the day i thought i would marry him and reform him. curse myself for being an idiot. the biggest idiot i know.