i hate stomach flu.
i might just be lactose intolerant :S
no more icecream :S
NO MORE MOCHAS!!!!!
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

edit added at end.

im bored again.
two blog posts from uni, within 3 hours of each other= new record.
and testament to the fact that i absolutely have no life.

Interesting thing learned from world lit class-
there is no morality in a world of chaos.


what else did i learn? oh, that Odysseus played 'unwilling lover' to an immortal goddess for 7 years, because he was married.
key word. unwilling.
even more key. he played the role, nevertheless :/
at which the prof mimics him, ' like seriously, how many more positions could there be?'
i didn't know whether to die from laughing or mortification.



we play our cards as fate sees fit.
unquestioning.

''who can glimpse a god
who wants to be invisible gliding here and there?''
-The Odyssey, by Homer.


i see God
when the sky turns a plummy azure and burns up with the rage of the setting sun.
fade out into dark,blinding night.

rahmble. pfft.

30 mins to class, at the other end of campus again.
surprise surprise.

i miss home.

dad says yesterday on skype.' beta ur a woman now. u cant do this. jab tumhari shadee ho jaey gee, ull need to cook regardless of whether you had a long day. thoda serious ho, ghar sambhalo, khala ka hath batao.'
dad i'm 19.
i do help out.
i can cook and sew liek a champ for someone my age whose not in paki and being drilled by all the aunties there so that she can be put up for show on a pedestal like other poor lambs.
it's like a friggin bakri market there.
funny dad applies all those rules to me here when he's conveniently some 4000 miles away.

it chilled me to the bone tho. despite sub jo ho raha hai, what if i still end up with someone like that? i got that feeling again yesterday, which i haven't had for a while. absolute fear.

i'd much rather have you here with me now. you knw that right? i miss you alot.
tonight'll be our night.

i can stand up and try and run away from this rut but i know that being desi and being female should be qualification enough to get me back in that shit hole cooking for some maulvi type jerk i can't stand for the life of me and having to raise his kids and pretend pretend pretend for the rest of mi life.
it.makes.me.sick.to.my.stomach.

please don't let it go down that way.

on a brighter note,
Rudolph's a red-nosed reindeer.
i always said.
:D

im.at.uni.
B.o.r.e.d
and.in.an.anti-social.mood.to.boot.


you know ur blogs picked up from no readers to possible hollywood status when ur feedjit (a.k.a stalking device) shows a visit from someone in North Hollywood.

J.Depp if u were ever down here ya know, i can be all urrrrs..

i think i'm consistently inconsistent. with who i am.
so me thinks.

don't you just love the play with words?

i choose to be your constant chosen presence.
-Choices, by Nadir.

hm..boreddddd..me needs a cookie. i havent eaten anything in 3 days. cereal and yoghurt and 2 dates doesn't count.
stupid stomach flu.

bah. better start walking to class which VERY conveniently is at the OTHER end of campus and a good 15 minute walk from here.ARGH! u build a university on a MOUNTAIN you might as well invest in chair-lifts! AND wheel-chairs!

-end rant-

oh. and you know what's funny? my 17 year old friend has gotten pregnant and chooses to proudly announce it to the world thru a facebook status update.
yes.exactly.

the world is going.going.gone baloney.
baloney sayoni.

Latah alligahtahs,
-eeda

a day in the life.

missed work again
because ended up talking to her till 4 am.
called her again at 9 am cuz missed her too much.
at 3 pm to wake her up for school.
at 6 pm to check up what she was upto
at 9 pm to talk to her on her way home, talked till 10 30.
at 11 pm to talk to her after she was done with dinner
went to sleep at 1 am
back to work at 8
again.

ab to aadat si hai mujhko..
-Jal.

I can't get enough i wanna eat you up
i wanna have you for dinner, left-over for lunch
don't go
o don't go
i love every lil thing about you baby don't you know.
-Sunshine, by G.Love and The Special Sauce.

thanx goldie for that song :)

-eeda
(is confusedciusly happy...or happily confusedcius. )

bahaha..love dad for sending me weird forwards everyday..
God Help Pakistan.
Ameen.

we talked into the wee hours of the morning.
i didn't realize 'wee' was a number.
bah!

welcome back to your (fragile) normalcy.
we hope you will enjoy your (limited) stay with us.
:)

i'm harrppy again. for however long it lasts.
the r there is deliberate.
more cutesy sa that way.

all fr now.
-xo
eeda

ps.armie this one was for u, cuz we dont get to talk much anymore.

''and im feelingggggg...
gooooooodddd''
-Michael Buble.

First full day without..

since the last 5 months.
new record.

please dont.

edit-
scratch that.
he didn't.

he never does :)

pst. i had to add the edit for gunther especially.
the e-hug was needed :)
*squash back.
bahahahahaha...

ab bhago dar ke?:P

first week of uni

lyrical.

On new students.

its like a parade of masks
facades
i get lost in plastic smiles
hollow eyes
flash all too briefly in my eyes.
surprised?
not quite.
it is Fall, and they, like me,
are unsure of who to be.

till then let's all dwell
in meaningless laughter.
Ricochet off the walls.

On some remark by the World Lit,prof.

it is hardly paradise
if not golden.
hardly
if angels persist
on moldy wings.

On some new girl in tutorial.

her eyes dance
around the room
almost
making us
insignificant
she glides alone here
with her gaze.
dancing the tap dance
in rubber
shoes.

On sum other person in tutorial

sit a little too composed
for comfort.
A class act
practiced all too many times
before.

The meanings of words are not in words,
They are in us.
-Hayakawa.

Reading the Odyssey for World Lit class.
Fun!

Abu says, itna hee pasand hai to English kiun nahee ker leti?
i dunno..
*starts getting indecisive again*

-x0
eeda

dreaming with a..

big long ramble.
and i mean BIG.

i got a new phone.
with unlimited incoming calls 24/7.

funny how the one person i was most looking forward to talking to,
the one person that might be THE reason i got the phone so i could get the new plan,
is the one person that wants to break off all ties
and not have anything to do with me anymore.

what do you want me to call it?
forget it as a summer fling.

All or Nothing.

and since u are not, cannot be my all, you will be....
it's funny how my own philosophy is coming to bite me back hardest.



but where shall we go?
im blissfully blind and you
are tired of dancing with blindfolds.

no road out of this tavern. you can only go back.

cracked like an egg.
i

dont even begin
to know
how to heal
or how to howl

karma eeda.

kuch bolo?
nothing left to say.

i told u id scare u off..

its funny how you noticed all these little things bout me

u noticed how indecisive i am.
you noticed how scared i am.
you noticed how fake i can be.
you noticed how there's so many me's for different occasions, different places.

i wonder why is it that my family of 19 years fails to see it so clearly?

i used to think that self control couldnt possibly take so much out of you so as to be of any significant consequence. wrong.
it can RUIN ur life. and i see it already.
i wonder why is it that i can never stand up to them. ever.
i wonder why is it that they don't see what's happening to me but i do. i am so many different people trying to keep so many other people happy that i'm losing track of who i am.
i think the internal struggle is getting too hard for me to bear. i will either completely subside or completely break out. and being the chicken i am, i know it will be option one.
that puts ur 5 months worth of effort to absolute shame.
think of it this way, those 2 months were probably the best months of my entire life.

tum chalay jao gay because we're too different. maybe we're too alike but i just cant be that person because of all those reasons, and you are me as i would be and that's what attracts me.
i dont know.

so where does that leave us? what should i tell you that hasn't already been said,mulled and in my case, cried over?
i know the answer. even if it all works out, it wont all work out.

ah. gotta love the pessimistic realism. the realistic pessimism.

what else do i know? as of right now, you as you stand, as i know you and whatever little i do know of you, i can see myself being plenty happy with you for a very long time, it's just sad that my own parents will not let me indulge in such a decision.

i sometimes wish i could die, only so that i'd b reborn again and live life like i wanted to. or to run away so far that no one would know me and i would know no one and re live my life from scratch. maybe then the happiness would truly be worth it.
is their happiness worth mine? i thought that way. is wanting happiness for yourself at the cost of others selfish? i dont know.
i wasn taught that way. i was taught to make happy, no matter what it took.
i see how its killing them, but then i'm no different am i?
i think i am or have become too weak to want to work towards anything otherwise.
yes, that's why i give in too easy. u were right.

and ezra, maybe you were right too..
ur altruism will bring you down.

im too used to you being there and restoring my sense of inner normalcy. you remind me of the purest me.
like i said, that keeps me sane.

so where do we stand now? i dont know.

when i met you, i thought u were arrogant and obnoxious and you thought i was a headstrong bitch who was out to do her own thing.
life teaches you a few things. finding out how limited first impressions are is one of them.

u said that this was it.no more.
two things.
one, i was miserable all day.
two, i was ecstatic when u proved me wrong.


i feel safe when im talking to you somehow. that i dont have to fake or pretend.
i've never cried so easily in front of anyone,never laughed as sincere and as hard, never done as much.
you know what i mean.
no regrets? still none.
like i said, it was more me than i knew me.

i know the answer to all this iffy-ness like you say.
i don't like that answer very much.

do you know that when the first time you told me we should stop talking,i got very very very fearful? enough that it felt like my heart was physically being constricted and pushed against my ribcage until it shattered? the kinda fear that rises up your throat like bile.
you leave me fearful.

i am scared that i will lose not only you but a whole big chunk of me that i never knew i had, never knew was me. the chunk that took so long to be rediscovered, and this time around, cherished.
that it will go back to how it was and all this would be in vain.

i wish i could sit everyone down whose put me in that spot, and explain all of this to them.

can't shan't shouldn't wouldn't couldn't didn't.
i want this, just this one, positive.

i have missed you. this is just the beginning of that feeling.

we'll make it work somehow. the stubbornness will go away.
it'll change.
lies.
i wish i could convince myself long enough for me to convince you too.
and then the entire world.


in another lifetime,...it'd be different.

lekin abhi kia karein?

meray baad kis ko satao gay?
-Yeh jo halka, Nusrat fateh ali.

it's funny. i heard a gun-shot outside. at 5 28 am.
i find that funny.

right now just about anything could make me laugh.
or cry.

maybe being so happy isn't a good thing.

he's pulling the plug out. i dunno.
not 'cuz he doesn't like me, but he likes me too much.
and but this that hum tum le fin

but there is no us. there can be no us. 'cuz he's not me and i'm not him and we're worlds apart.
and i know this and he knows this but im blissfully blind and he's tired of dancing with blindfolds.

and its too close and we're too close and it chokes 'cuz since you're not my everything in the end there will be none remember mainay kaha tha ke tum bhool jao gay remember how you've always proved me wrong and called back remember kay ab kuch nahee remember kay tum.
dont
remember.

you have perfect memory.

ab kia karoun?
what will i do?


kill me with kindness.



Sana J said once.

Because you are everything and I don't want to lose you either. Not unless you promise to return.
And not before I've held your hand.


I dream of that more than anything else.

word.

cracked like an egg.
i.

gham.

im.too.egotistical.to.admit.how.reliant.i.was.on.you.and.how.you.made.my.day.
in.the.smallest.of.ways.and.how.i.am.so.shattered.right.now.i.dont.even.begin.
to.know.how.to.heal.or.how.to.howl.

yeh sub to hona hi tha na?
i cant just say hota hai to this one, and smile, and walk away.
aisaynaheehota

this is the calm chaos part of it. the chaotic-calmness is over.

khatam.fin.finito.end.over.intiha.ikhtitam.finish.

dont tell me its his fault. and that he isnt worth it.

fuck it eeda its karma. u did this to momk remember? u did it to him.
ab yaad aya kaisay tha?
laugh at ur own miseries curled up in ur own fingertrips.

emo meaning?

hey..
batana bhool gayee..
tum jub mujh se naraz hotay ho na, i get very scared that ull do a Golf on me and stop talking.....naraz nahee hoya karo..

and if u do get mad, please tell me why ur mad so im not sitting there rackin mi brains out and tryna rememebr every word ive spoken in the past 1 hour , which isnt easy..considering half the time i dont even think about what im saying..

all the more reason for u to NOT take me seriously and get mad.

i know i know. u said u weren't mad, but i could tell u were mad.
and listen peeved and ticked off are still forms of 'mad' okay? albeit diluted ones.

tumhay kia pata nahee how much i miss u?
u tell me ive gotten very emo over the past few days. i dunno kiun..shayad i miss the way we were, when everything was so new.
when everytime u called me that way i got chills up my spine.
u dont say it very much anymore. i dont say jaan too often either.
hav we reached that stage that we dont need to say those words , cuz its understood?
or say it so rushedly that the other person barely hears it, 'cuz u kinda sorta want them to hear it, but not quite, cuz sumhow it makes you weak and wanting and dependent, and that's scary?
pata nahee.
u know what irks me? us din u didn't answer armie's question.

still, saying good night gets harder every night.

he said-you know, since i've met you, i've started liking that word emo.
me-hahahah..uloo! why?
him-it's 3 letters of oooey gooey mushyness. it reminds me of jello.
and mashed potatoes.
and haleem.
me-Haleem?! that's not emo at all!
him- ur right. that's gangsta.i know, doooooood, CUSTARD! that's Totally emo!
me-*laughin too hard to reply*


sumtimes when our conversations run like that,i forget that we're 'supposedly' both mature people and that you are technically supposed to be older and wiser.

i say too much.
what i didn't say was that this us,
this me,
is like a chaotic calm.
but not even that. not close.

they tell me these phrases i say often.

uloo
jahil
sahi bataein?
mazaq ke ilawa!
soooo cute!

excuse me while i go find a better vocabulary.
*jal-ing*


there's drama a-brewing in paki. they've gotten me involved.
7300 miles, and they STILL managed to get me into it.
that's family for u, kaheen na kaheen se dhooond nikalen gay, kahan bhago gay?

kitnay aadmi thay?
-Gabbar Singh.

bahaha..sumhow the word 'drama' reminds me of that line.
u know whats funnier? we're somehow related to the chap.
the actual actor who played that role.
aaaaaaaaah the irony.

sleepy time.
neend arahi hai.
more bakwas to follow later.
Wada!
*evilness*

-eeda.

observation: 5:08am gets me nostalgic and emo.

i miss u.

Numerical

1st day of uni.
2nd roza.
2 hour line-up for book buy-back and new books.
1 hour Psychology100 lecture.
3 hours in transit
3 odd hours with drug on phone/net :)
happy end to a longggg day.

didn't get to talk to Ma though, cuz khala thought id gone to sleep. :S
maybe its a good thing, all shes done lately is to yell at me for pointless things to get her anger out.
not her fault, shes in paki. the Auntie jaan's there are gettin on her nerves.
on all trillion plus nerves that we have..
heck with a trillion aunties you could use 'em as substitute for a very unique form of slow and painful capital punishment.
and i mean aunties as in Auntie Jees.

let's keep the gore out of this shall we?

i remember the nights, you know i still do...
-Bryan Adams

Adams
Add-arms
Alarms.
Neendddddd..
Coffffeeeeeeeeeee..


pst. i Love def jam poetry.
listen to this one by Shannelle Gabriele , and this by Shihan.
AWESOME stuff. this is poetry not as its written, but as its said.
that takes talent.
(coming from someone who was and is terrible at reading stuff out.. no, more like TERRIBLE. it sounds more like my first word is playing tag with my full stops; i'd be finished before you even see my mouth opening.)
-end bakwas-

11:11..make a wish...

-eeda

magar mujhko lota do bachpan ka sawan..

10 points for those who recognise that song.
*<3 jagjit..sumtimes!!!*

i just stuffed my face full of the randomness that we call food lying around the kitchen, at 4 30 am.
still doesn't quite seem like Ramadan's here.
i miss ammi ke parathay and her fretting that i wasn't eating enough and would definitely pass-out midway through the day.

dealing with ''adults'' gets tricky sometimes. all the time. but hm, cliched line coming up, they do have your best interests at heart i guess.
it's easier to believe that than khoon-jalao-ing

i miss Home man. ssssssssssooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.

i took the boys out for icecream at McDonald's a coupla days ago. made me wonder if deeju still gets to go out too..if sumone still spends their entire pocketmoney taking her out for icecreams and her favourite Giros and fanta. if she gets to run around the park then insists we go down to the beach and dip our toes in before sunset. if she still sleeps snuggled like a koala bear with ADD who can't sleep without squashing/hugging/choking you every 2 seconds during the entire night.i rememebr i never got enough sleep then, but i used to love it.
i miss my baby. sumhow she used to make everything okay.

-end nostalgic rant.-

it's been,,give or take 9 months ish..3 more and i'll b thereeeeee..
Yippppppeeeeeeeeee..
SCREW all passport people.

me thinks now that mi tummy's stopped subsituting for a balloon about to burst at the seams ,i can sleep.
g nightttttttt.
scratch that, g'morningggg duniya waloun. rise but don't shine.
(we're already brown and shiny..any more shine and non-brown folk would wear sunshades around us..... and we'd wringing out our faces for oil, to put in cars and food and the like.)
eww-y thought. loool.

let's further make ur day shall we? limited edition baby picture of me coming right up.

(woh kaghaz ki kashti. woh barish ka paani.)

(it's funny how i always had this permanent why'd-you-slap-me-for? look when i was a kid.
and GAWD the terrible hairstyle.it grew longer and curlier eventually but ammi seriousli? the palm-tree ponytail? Eeek!) sucha pappu.

then.
we.got.wiser.

xo
-eeda

SCREW blogger.com for losing my formatting everytime i publish this post.
I'm gnna miss swearing whole-heartedly during rozas. shiatness.