Why are landlords always assholes?
and always disorganized?
and never willing to co-operate as long as they their money?
and tell you you can move in 4 days soon as they furnish your room, but take 2 weeks to do it?
AND dont tell you about the delay unless YOU call them everyday to remind them and pester them?
and promise you you can move in tomorow but then say oops, we still didnt install the door to the room or a lock yet, but ofcourse you can keep your stuff in cuz its Oh-So-Safe?
and theyll have it by monday i-promise-you and why are you freaking out cuz its working-out-oh-so-nicely?

Please explain.

Someone very wise once said
'It is foolish to try and please everyone'

yes. and draining, and frustrating, and depressing.
you constantly feel as if you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders,
and that no matter how much you struggle and how much you smile at it and how much you sit and waste yourself away by bits and pieces, and see yourself going up in flames and smoke becuase that IS what makes them happy, you realize that this still isn't enough to please everyone. it definitely isn't enough to please yourself.
At the end of the day no matter how much you love them and how intensely you care for them, you can never make them happy if you don't make yourself happy first, and your happiness SHOULD NEVER lie in anyone else's happiness. That will fuck you up.

And oh, don't EVER try to rationalize with a depressed person. EVER.
even if you love them, even if you care immensely for them, even if you have hope that inside some part of their messed up brain they still have a single iota of rationale and concern for you, and that they will overcome their own petty self-destruction to let you go and set you free. they wont. theyll drag you down with it.

and there is Nothing you can do to help them.
-eeda

stop farida.. stop.

Peshawer.

29th October 2009.

Mark this day as the one Humanity sunk to its most pathetic state.

Time of the Month+Cramps+deficiency of certain reqd. female materials+HR midterm worth 40%+4.am+lack of study+massive cold and headache+studying in basement with no heater+homesickness=

bitch.ari me.

(times 10)

*iwantsmymommyyyyyyyyy*

-eeda

we are all just

bound to become a pile of disintegrating secrets,

tightly clenched mysteries with-held

in an overtly cynical protective grasp.

lest you reveal anything,
and dare feel the most minuscule
rejection.

.... the saddest part of all this is that when you die, 

No one

will Know the person you were....

stupid chilling epiphanies at odd hours in the subway.
*sigh*






.

On the bright side, im moving soon into my own tiny little place closer to school.
yay for *finally* getting away from the brown fudgin' unnecessary drama.
:)

-eeda

...wasting my life away at bus-stops....

Welcome to Toronto.

-eeda.

there is something inherently fucked up
in having to shoulder up and be a Man everyday
when,
on the contrary,
you constantly feel as if you are
an
insignificant 
little 
girl.

'which one of us will be the ass then?'

ur not.

another pebble in my shoe.

'am I a bad person?'

ur bad because ur too good.

(and ur good cuz i love you)

it's a good thing, it's a good thing says he.

good thing. it's cuz im not there.

i will miss you i will miss you said she.

Again.
and Again.
and Again.

(if nothing,

the distance WILL fuck you up)

.....................

Epilogue.

its raining its raining said she.

its raining, but inside me.

-eeda 

(i still love you) 

us say bhi zada.

Stats assignments SUCK!
add toothache, and uve got a winner for DoubleShittySucker of the Year.


*confetti*

i would call this feeling 'being high' but i have nothing really to compare it with.

my mind is floating on silverbluegreen clouds just above my head. i watch it distantly, amused, like someone watches a beetle on its back trying to flip over again.

there is this knocking, tapping sound like someone is ripping apart a keyboard the way a surgeon slices through gums. i am thinking of my teeth extraction sometime soon and im petrified, i have noone to hold.

i actually crave to be knocked into that little black hole again like a starburst in the solar system and time stops and u wake up they tell u 'its over' and its the one ending ur actually happy about. i just dont want to vomit blood and lie in bed like a shivering pitiful caterpillar afterwards.

this here thing is painful and ive realized that among one of the many wonderful side-effects of pain such as pms-ing even when ur not supposed can also include bouts of increased homesickness and waking dreams where ur 20 second walk down the corridor to the bedroom reminds u almost painfully of walking next to the 10 feet tall palm trees lining the coast next to the mediterranean.
the cool whiff of air the pink houses in the background the brilliant gold sunset purple dew and the tp tp tp gentle falling rain, dad racing by in his white Peugot only to stop and dance out in the rain in his black suit at midnight, his laughter shimmering brighter than the staryskies.

i sometimes wonder why it is im letting them down or is it just my hyper over analytical mind that needs to dissect everything on a chopping board and insert needles into this blob of a numb blue brain and ask questions like why-the-hell-did-they-just-think-that and omg-what-now and wtf-just-shut-up im so fucking Delirious.

my mind is racing down the road like a frisbee with no return policy like a horse seen blood like a car without wheels im careening and what do you do when ur chasing round a circular track and theres no deadendsdeadendsdeadfuckingend?

-i need to stop chasing imaginary pink rabbits with multicoloured whiskers and settle down in a corner of the room now-

whoooooooooop
yeah.

143 <3

the most important thing i've realized throughout all of this, is that despite the fact, or actually, because of the fact that i squabble with him, and yet keep coming back to him, can only mean one thing:

 i

very much.

-eeda

now,
we wait.
to see which one of us snaps first and messages the other one.

its a game of cat and mouse, two sides of the screen, two ends of the world, one side of a heart.


WHY is this so difficult?
i wish i didnt have an ego. it would be easier. :S

i hate stupid insignificant petty rambles.
its sad this is what uve reduced me to.

ive already lost you.
defeat is perhaps the hardest thing to bear.

damage control.

it kindasorta hurts that you don't find the need to share anything anymore.

so, i'm breaking the habit tonight.

its funny, ive been giving advice to You for how-to-patch-things-up-and-avoid-awkward-convos. Funny, 'cuz despite all odds i now need the exact.same.advice.

'tis a pity pity pity it gotta come to this.

our ''conversation'' lasted 4 minutes. 

i am not numb.

maybe numb enough to want to write and encompass it fully, 

but not numb like you. 

 and i still have faith, S. i still do.

Alot of faith, stacked up in the smallest of places like the spaces between my fingers and toes under the curve of my chin the insides of my elbows in my clenched fists palming your reds blues violets yellows salty sweet tango my bare soul exposed.

'when you're tangled up just tango on'

-Scent of a Woman

But we forgot how to dance a while ago.

now, we

tiptoe tiptoe tiptoe tiptoe tiptoe

(Let's tiptoe in the moonshine.

 If I'll be yours, will You be mine?)
?                         

-eeda.


pps. The Uncle/Asshole needs to stop living up to his latter name.
(or somebody will need to stop me from murdering him with my bare hands if he makes me feel like shit ina crowd just.ONE.more.time.

.............and this, my friends,

is where the fairytale begins to go Really Nasty........