.

You are the reason I keep trying to be normal again,

and You don't even know it.

Thank you

Also, check out this link,

http://www.theforgivenessproject.com

Maybe its time i did too.

-eeda

.

Lonely creature by the bar, blue shot glass, crystal vodka,... swimming mascara and empty eyes, the remnants of his goodbye..

The walls are oddly luminiscent, silver chandelier painted onto blood red, ceiling floor corner red. She gives herself up to the noise and the exhilaration, oblivious to the wandering hands around her waist, the stranger casually caressing her hair. It is about the lights tonight, not him. Just the lights.

The silver bursts like a twitching electric eel in aquamarine darkness. There is silence in this cacophony, depth in the materialistic shallowness. She passes from the arms of one into another, lightly held as if even they can sense her fragility.

'I can tell, you are having a bad night love'

The best night ever, actually. The oblivion, the drunkness, the hysteria subdued in the chaos, the cold night. Dark enough to obliterate everything, save one. Her thoughts find him, even in the daze. His face shimmers like a seraph.

Come home to me jaan.

She spins like a ballerina, a whirlwind before the Eyes. Spins, unravelling her dark secrets in strips of crimson cloth memories nightmares silently cried out. Silent.

find a way home find a way home find a way like a mantra. They are bewitched hypnotic by her fear her grief and her fire. They burn with her, scorched, screaming, and yet healed by her hysteria, convinced that to annihilate the soul is to find peace.

somewhere in the distance, he waits.

Annihilate. Spin.  Her feet chiseling grooves like twisted black pens ferociously carving out the history of her ruin. Catharsis. She burns on that floor leaving ashy footprints of soul she twists and envelops everyone everything inside her and together, they shatter into nothingness. Broken naked lost.

Yet

finally at peace.

Finally a way home, to him.

-She forever knows that when she does turn up at his doorstep midnight blue, carrying her pieces in burnt open palms, he will kiss the ashes to crimson soulsongs. He will kiss the ashes away-

this one, like everything else, was for u MD.

-eeda

Sonnet XVII:

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul. I love you as the plant that never blooms but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers; thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance, risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body. I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: where I does not exist, nor you, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. -Pablo Neruda

there is enough heartache in me, just enough
to keep together just enough
to not fall apart.


i read somewhere that if my soul was intact, my core
unmoved, i could heal myself.

i am too far gone. i dont even know
where my core is, just a faint sepia memory
bronze haze in waking dreams.


i have it all twisted, shattered. i
knowingly crushed everything to
smithereens, hoping
to find cure
in the liberating
annihilation.

i have only lost myself further.
i don't even recognize this two-faced
monster i have
become.

i am being sold
sold to honeyed words and
convictions of others morality
not my own.


where am I?

is it too late?


i want to will myself to change, will myself
to turn the hurt to scabs, and not open stinging
wounds i keep picking at.
no wonder it doesn't heal.


begin at the begginning, they said.
i will
bandage, nurture,
coax the soul to revive
again. fix
faith hearts i blindly
crushed, return
to my essential
essence. i
who could do no harm
never wavered
always stayed pure
true.


i refuse to have found defeat.


i need to do this for myself, for them and for
him. but mostly
for myself.
i just wish the selfishness would prevail
long enough
for me to actually convince
my own self.







/

13th december-20th december.

for the happiest week of my life,

i have lived within you as if in a dream.

thank you.

and in other news....

...the boy knows how to DANCE.








SALSA!!!!!
:D



i is a happy duckie.
-eeda

Drug- 'Jamaican people eat alot of fish man, they're like the kalu version of Bengali people.'

Bhahahahaa... my racist jaan :)
-eeda

for friends who remove the stones on your shoulder, and turn them to glitter fairy dust.
for friends who stand by your mistakes.
for friends who don't judge.
and for friendships that last despite time, despite distance.

armie. thank u
you saved me tonight.
<3

quoted.

'See, I can see you exactly as how you are'

'Who am I?'

'A very scared little girl.'

Despite the facade.


Never fun having the shell cracked by a complete stranger.
Don't see right through me.


How do I fix the world?

'That responsibility is Not yours'

if only, lekin nahee.

'You know, you're beautiful. he'll never leave you'

drunken compliments or truth proclamations?

'Don't leave. I wanna come back and find you.'
I wait for no one. I'm Sorry.


Insomnia.
I havent slept in 5 days, maybe a total of 12 hours of sleep spread out. If that.
+ a meal a day.
If that.

Spiraling.................Senselessly.

-eeda.

'i am not in control.

but its interesting to pretend.'

-abondonment-

eeda- hey, u want a banana?
steph-sure.
eeda- i like how we both like bananas
stpeh- i know, even though i've never tried one before
eeda-bananas are sooooo good. theyre the best.
-on sexually explicit conversations about Runts (fruit shaped candy).
:P

hahahahaha.. this to 30 page marketing papers, migraines, Asian legs and Brown hair.
<3
-eeda

Happiness is not about having what you want but wanting what you have.
-says wise person.  


and that's why i love you. i couldn't figure it out earlier and it used to frustrate the F out of me why id go for you when you were nothing like what i wanted in a person.
but now i have you, and that is where i find my happiness.
thank u.

-This, for people who can see through you, and will give up a saturday night of fun parties and boys to listen to you speak about heartaches and breakups instead, even tho they dont have any idea where you're coming from-

Awesome bonding time with roomate.
Thank you Candice.
<3

-Eeda.

ill call this one... -crumblecake-

its not like i dont have things to be grateful for. i do.
but family is far, friends are further, and nightmares are still too close to home.
i am grateful for us, the most beautiful time ive known.


i wish there were things, other than heartache, to talk about.
but really, what is the point of recording the momentary in-betweens?
thats whut disney and fairytales are for.



i think of u in between spaces and screams, bus rides and rain drops,
phonecalls, shattered window panes, hysteria and grief.
the numbness spreads behind the facade, freezing nerve endings, synapses to
feel no pain show no signs of annhiliation lest
you break your resolve. this
is for You, afterall. I
refuse
to crumble at your feet, you need
to leave me behind.
(crawling in your wake).
Heartbreak underrated, what are we to name
this shattering of soul, of faith,
Hope. no words to name the
Nothing that is left
(of you, of i)


what wudnt i give to hear from you again?


pathetic.
bleargh.
Eeda. you are stronger than this.
yes u are. u are. u are u are u are. even if ur alone within these mocha coloured walls, so far from home. even if you dont know anyone in this house of familiar strange faces, even though at night you will no one to call upon when you start seeing faces in the shadows again. even though there is nothing ot fall back upon anymore,
even then, you will be stronger than this.
please?
please.

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML
#6377281 (97)

On 11/20/2009 at 2:29am - love - by lonelyman (man) - United States (Florida)

........



Lonely creature by the bar, blue shot glass, crystal vodka,... swimming mascara and empty eyes, the remnants of his goodbye..
The walls are oddly luminiscent, silver chandelier painted onto blood red, ceiling floor corner red. She gives herself up to the noise and the exhilaration, oblivious to the wandering hands around her waist, the stranger casually caressing her hair. It is about the lights tonight, not him. Just the lights.

The silver bursts like a twitching electric eel in aquamarine darkness. There is silence in this cacophony, depth in the materialistic shallowness. She passes from the arms of one into another, lightly held as if even they can sense her fragility.
'I can tell, you are having a bad night love'

The best night ever, actually. The oblivion, the drunkness, the hysteria subdued in the chaos, the cold night. Dark enough to obliterate everything, save one. Her thoughts find him, even in the daze. His face shimmers like a seraph.
Come home to me jaan.

She spins like a ballerina, a whirlwind before the Eyes. Spins, unravelling her dark secrets in strips of crimson cloth memories nightmares silently cried out. Silent.
find a way home find a way home find a way like a mantra. They are bewitched hypnotic by her fear her grief and her fire. They burn with her, scorched, screaming, and yet healed by her hysteria, convinced that to annihilate the soul is to find Peace.