Alien (ated)

Internal Retrospection necessary
Soul workings gone
awry. Dysfunctional
my mind, behaviour.
Unintentional arrogance?
is that the deterrent
averted eyes, change of focus
from them-perhaps
its all in the mind.

Come full circle, Eeda, you
are yet again on a lonely table;
someone else's leftovers for
company; fool yourself it was
your company (wasn't)
upgrade from school bathroom
perhaps, but
i still want to hide my face.

ugly child worthless child
brilliant mind, designed
for lonely space, empty
unfulfilllable.
no competition? lack of
matching wavelengths; you
look up at every voice
hoping it was directed at
you (wasn't).


 Illusion Illusion Illusion of mind
confined
in these membranes- walls,
space
no one can enter, space
i cant escape.

i wait
for the one man who hasn't stood me down
loves
me for all the crazy.
only hope
keeps me afloat.

...........


this was written on one of those im-down-depressed day at a lonely dinner in the student center. i have plenty of acquantinaces, dont get me wrong, people to run into and say 'hie, where have you been?' to, no good friends tho, no real soul-searchers who look through and just ....know.
its frustrating...i had people tell me today that i was weird for liking rain and not liking overpriced makeup clothes shoes bags stuff and turning down S's offer to buy me a coach bag...i told him instead to invest the money in stocks or mutual funds so we can save up for our kids education...enough for them to go to harvard, if they want that.

if that confines me to the nerds table at school without people who can reciprocate the feeling then so be it. ill churn out a poem and lament myself for being too old at 21.

so there. :P
and to all people who actually do read this, Bea and Dr...something, cant pronounce it right...
thank u, i may not reply back but i appreciate ur time and sentiments :)

with that, have a great Eid everyone.
-eeda

Frustrated?

Understatement.

We have a 90 min presentation tomoro. here's my conversation with my desi groupmate, 4th year, last semester student, whose powerpoint slides i happened to be making because of his sheer..well, ull see:

me- i need the table from the research showing the results.
him- how do i do that?
me- um...u take a snapshot of your screen and just send it as an image to me.
him- how do u do that?!?!
me- use the snipping tool

(15 minutes of instructions on how to open it later)

him-but..the table is vertical and not horizontal.
me-right click, rotate clockwise.
him- o wow! um. but its too big, the picture is not capturing everything.
me- zoom out?!

*BANGS HEAD ON WALL*

just 15 ish more slides to go?

arggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
-eeda

somethings should just ...never be published i guess.
vulnerabilities....fragments of the soul....

doll, unroll your spirit from this hole
unfold wings springs make this
scream
mind vomit yellow yellow yellow
daisy blue lavender
don't hesitate; fate brings people together
or
rips them apart some
words needs melodies to proceed
like seal the deal,
heal and
feel-
ing is not a good thing baby...over
sensitivities will not break you free
proceed not with this idiocy.

may i remind you
nay, may i remind you?
caring too much is Not a good deed?

freed
soul: someone bitter callous cruel
shelled
on top. there is no value
for love, will you
wallow in love when
wallowed-out loves
are enveloped in grief?
please.
reap the benefits of distances to keep
speak nought of ill but drill
patience and kindness, naive happygood words
remain unheard. unheard. unheard.

odd feeling..everything is right but everything is wrong. i wanna burst into song and cry,  simultaneously. the family is broken, hairline fractures i feel i cannot fix and over attempt to do this brings only this- mindfuck vomit of words and no rest.
brittle yellow blue baby bottles i am inspired oddly by maternity, gaping holes in the delivery of, i feel i could do a better job. optimistic naive youth? maybe. i strive to prevent tarnishing of the soul. bronze embittered war soldier already, i am tired of this everlasting painful journey.
ya Allah, i would crave eternal sleep but the prospect of hellfire doesn't entice me. where do i find relief? where do i find relief?

-eeda

there is so much to say.
but i
keep
forgetting forgetting forgetting...

love is so short, 

forgetting....

-neruda

i scrawl
back of notebooks,
(know-it-all.)

lumber

isn't just a word. it's

a state of mind, a

chosen preferred attitude

against life.wonderful

what the affix 'ing'

can do to words.

forward

state of mind.

keep goin.

-eeda

i have learnt:
that love is not equal to respect.

ur right...

maybe i am all those disgusting things u imply that i am, those disgusting things u used to date in the past....maybe you just cannot realize how different this time is.
maybe
i kept trying in the hope that
my love alone will be enough to satisfy you,

how could something so pure so untainted ever be so hurtful?
when my intention has only ever been clean, why can so much poison arise from it?

maybe love realli isnt enough.
but what more could i possibly give?


stop hurting me. please.
i only wish to see you content
with me.

imnotawhoreimnotawhoreimnotawhoreimnotimnotimnot

abba said beta he will throw the uncle episode in ur face, make u feel like u were unclean, impure.
donts,pleasedont,pleasepleasepleasedont.
u.dont.realize.how.even.the.slightest.smallest.insinuation.breaks.me.so.
utterly.

dontabuseurpower.im.in.pieces.at.your.feet.


u promised me this would be different. lekin abhi se itna bura?
save me. us.

be careful what you wish for....
happiness can be a very painful thing indeed.....

life landmark.

boy meets dad.

fingers crossed...and kneestoesheartsoulstrings.

pray for me?
-eeda

haphazard

ly put together.
a bursting bubble nerves and inked blue stress held together
sweat tears and the wonderful composing ability of anguish.
antonyms.

you are the cause for the destruction of the family-various, M and N included.

i pray today that i die before i see you happy-M

i can't deal with this-S

Me-bursting at the seams

after days of tiring self composure it felt good to let go and howl.

noendnoendnoendnoend.

ya Allah. please help me to keep my mind intact.

a blog in verse.

(this is
a first)

disaster-struck i am
bewildered once again at
why my soul, uprooted,
is restless, unendless
ly hurt by hacing
to familiarize itself within
newold four walls,
learn to call it Home,
(easy for some) but
it is my 9th move afterall.

i
had found solace
in Loneliness, the
unique requirement
of answering no one, relying
on myself, unencumbered
of social inclusion;
i
set my own rules, found
Joy (such a fool)
transitionary state of being
(i had forgotten) now
unused to public criticism;
i
feel attacked, violated, my
space non-existent;safety
of exclusion (mind soul all)
compromised; i
cannot prevent the
protesting insides.

do
i have right to be
angry? ungrateful
child; bonds of love
wish best even if
method unjust; Adjust.
your time is limited after all,
marriage itself is a new
war.

consolation is only
words (as is
criticism but) my anger
is undettered; i
do not wish (do not)
want to move.
it is not the liberty of
lack of curfew (i do want no
wrong) just
having to constantly
explain
myself; thoughts, feelings,
actions, behaviour; i
prefer instead to
kill the soul not feel at all.
old bitter at 21, they say
eeda, learn to have fun.




where to
begin? end of
beginning? or
beginning of end?
i
will not defend my
callousness; crime in itself
to release, unleash; people
(deserved, undeserved), having
cause is still unjustified.
(i do not wish to hurt) but
is it a right to fight?
for who i am, or think i am,
person
not allowed to become, person
already dying, undone?

forget eeda forget,
all that is said,
all that is told, uphold
patience, think
threefold of action,
control
tears anger hurt.
learn life's rule;
Ad-effing-just.

an acute case of writer's-block held back by
swallowed newspaper mag
azines articles jour
nals jour
neys yet to be spoken about i
borrow others
voices to
tell my story.

doob raha, mein doob raha, 
mujhay bachana.
-bachana

26th July, 2010.
The day I came clean,
to everyone.

World, now a brief hiatus, please?

the answer to that is,

i'm heart-broken. 

how does it feel when the one thing whose thought keeps u afloat during your worst nightmares, just doesn't care for you anymore?
or is too self-consumed to even minutely understand your plight, or even to try and find out, or question, or take an interest, or show any sign that they are making some effort to still be part of your life?

i have never felt more alone.

some battles are meant to be fought alone.

i shouldn't let that make me bitter towards you, i know.
it's difficult.
i'm sorry.

he always wondered why she threaded sepia pearls into her hair,

as a bitter nostalgic aftertaste.

some questions are not meant to have no answers.

-eeda