Attack of Adulthood.

life was like a lollipop...big and pink and sweet.....notice WAS........things have started to fall into perspective, prioritise, and gotten complicated..very complicated. like a complex rocket waiting for shoot-off........
u knw theres days when things get TOO MUCH..sumtimes u jus cant define the too-much-edness..bt u jus knw tht u knw this is too much stress and i jus wanna back off now people............ anyways..lemme start frm the beginning...
me and ez went bowlin thursday..i made a complete idiot of miself, cuz id completly forgotten bowlin and ezra was comparitiveli way better..i thought itd b awkward bt it realli wasn, we talked like usual, paid 11 dollars each, get bowling shoes and jusl..bowled.....mi first 3 games were utter disasters cuz the ball wud keep on goin into the gulli and ezra was obv doin better, i mean he atleast managed to get SUMTHIN down..and hed return with this smug look on his face...haha..bt yh it was aite..i still got 2 strikes and he got onli 1 and tht REALLI annoyed him cuz all he dreamt of was gettin a strike..on the way back i told him wait i need to get gum, hes like ill pay..so we got 2 gums and turns out theyre jawbreakers ( big ultra hard balls tht u keep suckin and they change colours bt u cant chew them..or unless if u REALLI wnna try ,u can live the rest of ur life carrying a glass full of ur dentures around.so all the way back we stayed quiet, onli to laugh awkwardly at each other and ask 'whut colour is mi jawbreaker now'..hahha.......i thanked him for taking me out even tho i sucked..hes like i thought u said u liked it and i wanted to do sumthin ud hav fun with..i said i DID hav fun, i jus sucked at it..doesn mean u cant love sumthin even if u suck at it..... ( rememebr me and volley ball people????) haha..neways..so yeh the weekend was aite..

i watched the Notebook and had a crying fit..cleared it off and felt better..thn one day i talked back home..and the whole same thing again..problems,,mum and dad not gttin along well, nizam started smokin and get caught and was screamed at and nearly hit by mi dad and obv nizam got all his anger out by further withdrrawin into himself and hittin khadija...and papas been mentalli and physicalli sick and screamin at evryone and gttin jittery and mamas ALWAYS short tempered cuz her nerves hav weakeneed and shes been assigned anti depressantts that shes refusin to take .......and theyre worried nizams acting the way he is cuz he migth hav sum attention deficit disorder and he might b medicated for it too.......and obv ammi was desperate to let it all out cuz shes under so much stress and ontop of all of it shes leavin for Paki soon to be with nani ( grandma) cuz mi grandmas been sick..and jus IMAGINE the hell itll b at home with jus nizam and dj and dad......dad obv snatched the phone frm mama to tell me its all okay and all this happens and i needn worry bout anything at all and theyre all jus very GOOD..thts called escapin reality..............i dunno..i want to knw how theyre doin bt at the same time i dont....jus llistenin to em fallin apart, mayb im exagerratin i dunno,, made me tear up inside.....by the time i got round to speakin to khadeeja i cud bareli speak cuz i was chokin back tears and they jus wudn stop..anyhow, afterwards i jus locked miself in and cried and cried cuz i felt SO guilty and selfish for runnin away from all that and comin here..and levain em to deal with it and apparently theyre makin a mess and i feel if i was ther id fix it..
i jus..its too much u knw..sitttin here and feelin so helpless and missin them and thinkin 'is mi life realli worth it? am i doin the right thing?' i dunno......i think ima cry again..ok new topic

so anyways khala was ther and she saw..told me to go with her to the park and obv once ther i did whut i do best...swing...hahaa...i jus went higher and higher and closed mi eyes and felt the world rushin away and it felt good.....and then it rained a lil and i got wet and tht felt good..and i saw all those lil kids runnin thru the water park close by, hittin each other with water guns and shiverin in the chilly water and slippin and slidin and bein tightly held by their parents,,,and i missed that but it made me smile.......it made me think of u guys and how lucki i was tht even if i dnd hav mi parents ot let this all out with. i hav u....i jus felt easier...uncle picked up too that sumthin was rong with me..and dont worry hes nt been fflirtin or nethin..i havent given him the chance......he asked me why i cried cuz mi aunt told him i did and i said i jus miss home, and he said dont worry i used to miss home too when i was 17 and alone ( he studied alone for the longest time in the west indies and in nigeria)..he IS good like tht and tht hes comfortin and teases me abt mi grades and tells me not to worry too much abt them..bt yh..thts all there is now..ie taken a coupla steps back now...

whut else..oh yeh i got a random message from patrick and im sure have told all of u by now bt jus in case lemme get mi anger out one last time..he taged me in this game wher u goota write 7 true things abt u, ,,.so i did..and whut else....his gf broke up with him cuz she wanted to b with another guy shed been seein for a month..there..they were both cheating on each other, him with me and her with sumone else..except he told her he took me out , and shed been cheating before him but she never told him..and tht hurt him cuz he says they promised theyd b honest to each other.......anyways, he was hurt, he needed comfort..i gave him the best i cud...and obv it hurt me too seein him like tht....whutever crap may have happened but i still do care about him very much..........i saw him in class today..he sat at the end of mi aisle and looked so depressed......ive never seen like ththt before ever....he told me once it takes a lot to gt him down and this break up thng mus hve been big...anyways..in the 7 minute break in the middle i went and talked to him..and he cud barely speak cuz it seemed hed been cryin, u knw u can tell by the voice...anyways,,,,,i went back to mi seat after a while cuz ididn wnna giv him the msg tht i wanted to b all close again......i do, bt i jus wnna b protective of miself now and nt scare him away..aftr class we walked out together and he told me he had to go to tutorial right away..so we walked out and i thought he was goin to class bt we ened up roamin round the building.he showed me ths chinese pond id never noticed before and it was gorgeous..and he said theres a better place he knew..so he took me over this building to this place.high up in the buildings ive never been before.......and i reached ther and it was jus nuthing..and u said whuts so special? jus sum mountains..and he showed me this place thru wher u can see .................the the the.... SEA....tht was a shock cuz the sea meant to b miles away frm the uni.......it was cradled in the mountains, nopes nt like a lake...... and u cud see the sun glinting off it and a tiny island in the middle and it was SO beautiful..hahah.........he told me he came up here to talk with his counsellor ..and tht i shud come ther if sumthin hurt me too........anyways we jus talked..he told me abt his gf..then he loosened up and we joked around..and i felt all attracted and kept tellin miself BRAKE BRAKE BRAKE...musn get too into this..hes not lookin for a relationship....anyways..we went to the sfu pond and he fed sum fish ther and they started jumppin to the surface and had their tiny pink mouths open and it was cute and disgusting bt it made him happy and it made me happy and it made me annoyed cuz i cared if hes happy or not and thts not how it shud be..oh well..i felt soooooooooo happy afterwards.....i dunnno..bein with him is like tht..its sumthin i knw i cn never hav............uffffffffffffffffffff,,and it hurts when he talks abt kissin his gf or missin her or luvin her and i knw i shudn feel all jealous nd jus shudn feel like tht..argh...anyways,, heres the link to his blog so u cn check it out for ureself..
http://360.yahoo.com/profile-e63kB041frW4EIG7IdSm4HBYjH4QSXM-?cq=1
Or nhan's blog

anywayssssss..aside frm this is all the other stress..decidein whut subjects to take..ezras been beggin me to take sum kiniseology course with him thts about health and athletics and all..hes sayin we get to hav fun and spend time and play games and all..argh.....im so not into it..DONT WORRY i wont choose jus for a guy...im prolli takin macro econ, intro to poetry and calculus.......more thn likeli..............................whut else..need to go downtown and get visa for france and switzerland we;re visitin in august..need to go and get health insurance..need to book mi flight frm british airways and find a way to pay for it other thn debit card cuz debit has a daily limit..need to print out application forms and get that done andddd talk to dads house owner for rent workout and whut else..UFF...growin up is so EFFIN HARD....I hate this honestly..tooooooooooooooooooo much stress to handle...................

anyways..i jus talked to armie..ad it calmed me down..so i feel way mre cheerful thn wn i jus started..so yh i cn breathe now..and once more guys THNX for caring...because it sounds cheesy and whut not, bt it means so so so much to me..tht im hurtin bt ppl care..........lolz

all mi crap for now
much much love..
me