after all that stress from last week, dad told me to get mi french and swiss visa...atfirst i though itd b a piece of cake,,but filling out forms , gttin dads bank statement, bookin a flight, gttin flight itinieries, gttin hotel reeservations and embassy appointments and what not,,,and on top of that the uni work and all, jus realli drove me down under.....i was lost under work and stress and all bt more detail on th later....
soooooo wher do i start....well pattrick and me hav gotten closer in the sense we meet a lil more regularly, thts like once a week =P haha and talk on the net alot.....esp last week when he was gttin over hus gf and all,,,turns out shed slept with the guy shes now dating..and tht realli pushed patrick to stop.....so hes ok,,,,,,,,,,
ezras okay too,,waynes ok..i dunno what happened but sumthings gone out of me..sumthin jus went SNAP ...like a elastic rubber band reacchin its limit...
ok so this last week nuthin much realli happened nd even if it didi , ive completly forgotten it..on monday i had THE busiest day,,,went to class at 8, left uni at 10 to go downtown for an interview with the french embassy... was damn scared id gt lost but found it in time , , reached there 11:20, realised that id turned up a week earlier for an interview that was scheduled for next week monday..mi interview slip showed mi appointment date in big letters in the front...yup,THATS how lost ive been..hurrried back to uni by 12 sumthin ish.had lunch..saw ezras old man stick ( his umbrella u dodos...not that stick.....ewww) hanging by itself in the restaurant..took it with me to giv it to him,,bt honestly trynng to walk with it and NOT lookin an 80 yr old women is so hard,,,cuz its long so u end up using it like a cane.haha...went to eco tutorial, did a quiz,,hurried back home, stayed up all night finishing an english assignmentttt..
then on tuesday i skipped phil class and went to swiss embassy ,,,first i had to go to this place close to home to gt mi pic taken ,,,and i didn wnna walk in with a scarf ,thne take it off, then wear it again (cuz u cant b wearin a scarf on ur passport pics_) then go to embassy and hav them buggin me to confirm that me with and without hair is the same person....with and without scarf i meant.....so i took it off,,got mi pictures done,,,went to embasssy,they took one look at mi passport and bank statement, said come tomoro and ur visa will b ready...the guy had app been to libya and loved it ther.on the way back these two indian dudes sittin oppoiste me on the train started hittin on me.no, im not bein vain,,they WERE hittin on me,,they were starin like unasamedly the idiots,,one of em was immitating the way i was sittin..they were callin out and all.iifelt ..diisgusted,,and used.....arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...newayss...
came back home at round 6 ish,,, went to sleep..woke up,,stayed up all night doing phil paper worth 30th%,,,skipped eco next day cuz i overslept..went to phil tutorial,,ezra was teasing mein front of wayne about wearing mi 'jedi costume' again...its like u knw those things tht got popular a while back..like a wrap around t shirt, or short blouse kinda thng that ud knot under ur chest or at the side? neways, his teasing stung...and thn he started complainin abt nt havin seen bianca for 3 weeks, nd i was thinkin i skipped class yest bt he never realli askedme whut was with tht..id called on him on monday and told him i wud bt he never asked...anyways then me ,wayne nd him were discussing movies,,,and we were saying how Transfrmers is for guys and all...thn we talked abt a walk to remeebr and turns out wayne likes it too..i was like :O....dude, u seriousli dnt wna go round telli ngirls that..its a chick flick,,its emo goo whutever made for girlssss.....i find it ridiculous tht guys like it..and ezrra's like ur sexist,,and waynes like we hav feelings too and all..i felt like i was bein atttacked by those two but lookin back now,,i see i was doing the atttackin,......mi hate for all guys kinda thing is becomin apparent now...not hate realli, jus mistrust,,,i wanted to scream at ezra wen he called me sexist ( which does not mean sexy, horny or anything of that nature ,,haha..it means discriminating on gendar....yes yes i knw u all are not idiots but i dunno why i had to define tht..its pobably cuz wen i write emails back home i explain all the big words so that deejay doesn hav o ask dad and all =) ) so anyways i was saying bout mistrust,,well i dunno ive met sum reallli realli bad guys wen i was a kid nd i guess i started judgin all of em to b like tht..not a good idea, bt yeh...im sure all 3 of u know abt me molested wen i waas a kid right..i was too young, i can never b too sure whut realli happened..was it a dream? i dunno..thn jus the general male population in pakistan...thn dad putting down women all the time,...peoples concept of women's inferiority,,then all the idiots i ever liked,,,adel and jasem and all, patrick...they all screwed me over in some way or another.....so i dont think its a big surprise im on the offensive now...or is it defensive? am i jus tryna protect miself?i dunno..i havent told u guys all the story yet so this prolli wont make sense..
so after phil tutorial i went to swiss embassy,,got mi passport..got first real feeling of havin done SUMTHIN right that week..after the other huge disasters ill talk abt in a moment...then i went round downtown..its a beautiful place,,built next to the sea....gorgeousssssssssssssss views of the mountains and the city and all...felt quite alone and yt quite independant...nice feeling.on the outside but in the 'deep heart's core' i cravedddddddd u guys to b ther..someone......ive jus been v loneli.....
anyways, wednesday i did nuthin..thursday which is todaay, i went to uni ,,,came back....lied down on mi bed..khalu came to peek over whut i was doin on mi laptop..lied down behind me.rested his arm on mi waist,he was realllllllllli close..i got uncomfortable,,sat up..he sat next to me,,,,,......coupla guys were online on mi fb, ishan and faisal and all.hes look who are theseee....nd iwas on chizzat on audio, talkin to this other dude...so mi uncle got all intrigued by that..no he cudn and din hear the other dude.....anyways,then he came back with chips,,said the onli waay u gt em is if u wnna eat with mi hand..i said no thnx im nt a kid ill do it miself..so i kinda snatched it ate it miself..haha..he was teasin with the chip again..like with the yoghurt..anyways,,,,,,,he ws jus bein flirty i guess..aftr a long time....dnt worry nuthin happneened and nuthin will..
anyways......so nowwwwwwww lemme talk abt other things that had been buggin me....first i jus realized its 4am and tht i had to submit a hil paper online at 12..GREAT..i get one mark taken off for late entry....cudve done it ealrier but i fell asleept at 9...its 4 52 am here..anyways....so one day i was talkin to dad and well he apologized for bein a bad father...for githing with mum..for makin me see all those things i shudnt hav,,,.......here are sum parts of the convo....
fareeda:
i see khala and khalu making those sacrifices for their kids...u guys did it too for us but we jus took it for granted......
Moin_Shahid says:
wll thats our duty
farida says:
hahaha..........
Moin_Shahid says:
and doesnt need mentioning
farida says:
such an indian dialogue
farida says:
yeh to mera farz thaaaa
Moin_Shahid says:
infact we always are afraid, we havent taken good care of u all
Moin_Shahid says:
atleast i do
farida says:
i guess its insecurity
farida says:
u need to know u did the best
farida says:
ur doin a great great job
farida says:
it couldnt hav been better
farida says:
honestly with sending me to america
farida says:
then sending me here
farida says:
i cannot even begin to imagine the kind of sacrifice it is for u two
farida says:
and it means A WHOLE LOT to me..
Moin_Shahid says:
beta so may things wernt wrong iin our fAMILY THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE FEELING SORRY
farida says:
nahee u shudnttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
farida says:
abu good or bad it was MI family
farida says:
Mi memories
farida says:
and every family has good and bad times...
farida says:
i rememebr all the great times we;ve had together bus
Moin_Shahid says:
jusat wish u had better memries
farida says:
i have THE BEST memories ok
and so on...i nevr realised jus how much of a failure dad felt....i nevr knew..it hurt me realli realli bad cuz yeh ive seen realli realli bad times when i was 8 or 9 but i never thought tht itd b killin dad as much as it killed me.im sorry i cant put more of th convo because,,hmm..still too tendar? too personal to put it on here...bt yh that hurt..and i cried alot that night..alot alot......for the good and the bad and the ugly..haha...for what had happened....
anyways,,,mi aunt is workin right as isaid and theyre gttin a nanny....by law here nannies need teir own room...i dunno if i mentioned this in the earlier blog or not..in any case, il hav to move out of mi room and move into mi cuzins..at first with the shock of it i didn kknw whut to say..so i told mum it was ok, id manage..but as days passed i realised how MUCH id b givin up..likin stayin awake all night, changing clothes , putting on makeup, studyin, sleepin..tht day i was tryin to sleep in mi cuzins room and they made such a racket that 2 and a half hours later i had big bluury red eyes, no sleep, and a massive headache.....anyways so i complained to dad abt it which was a rong move cuz dad told mom tht it did matter to me and he got all stressssed and moms like it doesn matter to her ..so nayways i talked to mom and we fought...she gav me a whole lecture on family and 'they are people worse off than u , b grateful' and all...and i said lisn, i knw ts family and im not saying its their fault..its jus inconvenient and i want ur sympathy but u give me lectures and all..she said tthts y she didn wanna send me here cuz i get rigid and cruel....and i dunno,man oka people r goin thru tougher stuff but i was goin thru a lot of emotional crap and was in now goin round feelin sorry for anyone at tht time..and then ammi bought in her favouriteeeeeeeeeeee example..how she and mi aunt had to share a room when they lived with their cousins too,,and i retorted, this isn't about u , its ABOUT ME.....i was rude i knw...bt the thing is, wen mi mum and mi aunt spent like 3 or 4 yrs with their relatives, the relatives kids were their own age so they followed the same school and exam pattern ,,second,the unis ther are no work, thirddd mi mum had mi aunt to share with, cry with, be with....i hav noone..i need mi privacy wher i can talk to u guys in peace..anyway..it was that stress and and embassy and all....mi mums in pakistan btw with mi grandma whse been feelin sick..we were both jus stressed and endingup crying in the end..yes yes , despo indian film heroines..but i cried and cried ad felt awfulllllllllllllllllllllllllll for ltting it all out on her...and she cried cuz she thought i thought they didn love me anymore....anyways..then i talked to dad and told him not tto tell mum whut i told him abt the room and all...i dcant quite remeber bt i hadan argument with abu too..another crying fit....obviousli........
whut else..i missed home, i was loneli..two huge fights with mi parents, dads confession,visa, insurance, rent, uni, patrick, mi grandmas stress,,the fact that nizam and dj are alone in libya, the fact that even tho im gttin the visa mi mum might not go to the holiday cuz shes sayin shed feel guilty about mi granma, the fact that we're gttin a nanny and i need to move out of mi room soon..how will i ever manage sharing ((sounds so selfish)),,need to pack mi bags for holidays, giv in english assignment worth 30%, prepare for final exams next next week, go shoppin for gifts, do a dozen lil tiny thngs,call them do that,,,jus all the stress and workload had killed me ....i was lost and completly burned outtttt.
whut else..during those 3 days between mi crying fit and all..i felt a sense of loneliness...realli realli loneli....i realised i cant tell mi dad anything anymore cuz he stresses and tells mum..mum again she'll jus giv a lecture and more than that, worry..........third, sum incident happened and khala let slip tht she told mum abt sumthin i didnt think she wud..ths is like the 11th time or sumthin..so i cant tell khala..and i obv cant tell khalu..patricks off the list too....whiel i fought with dad and was cryin he was online too..we talked, he comforted .......for once..but its nt safe gttin his comfort now....and i obv cnt tell ez,,we're frnds bt i dunno,,i wudn wnna go and tll hhim all the intimate hurtful thngs abt me..and thats that..there was noone else..yes i know u three are feeling indignant and goin U HAD US....i dunno whut i was doin,,i thought it wwas mi pain, noone cud help me,,noone caared...i jus put everyone in the same box and pushed u all away....thought id handle it miself..didn neeed anyone.....
THEN...armie HAPPENED......literalli....she screamed at me for movin off, closin up in mi shell again..she literalli stopped talkin until i promised her i wudn do it again..here's part of our convo....
farida says:
heyyyyyyy
armie- says:
eeeeeedddddddaaaaaaaa
farida says:
sheesh ive not talked to u for so long
armie- says:
been waiting n waiting n waiting
armie- says:
where've u beeennnnn!?!?!?!
farida says:
awwww
armie- says:
farida says:
workinnnnnnnn
farida says:
dnt ask
armie- says:
i was jus lookin for a sign that u were still alive!
farida says:
whuts uppppppppppppppp
farida says:
im alive
farida says:
jus existing
armie- says:
cuz rima n i havent seen u online for a bit!
farida says:
had 4 crappy longggy days
armie- says:
whats up with u?!?!?!?!
farida says:
nuthin jus assignments and visas and all
farida says:
had a fight with mi mum
farida says:
and mi dad
armie- says:
what?!?!1\
farida says:
and dad apologized for bein a xrappy dad for like 18 years
farida says:
nt bein good enuf
armie- says:
woah..
farida says:
and i was missin evryone nd feelin loenly
farida says:
and cried and cried and cried for 3 days straight
armie- says:
tsk tsk
armie- says:
shouldve talked to us!
farida says:
and thn ther was work and all tht stress on top of us
farida says:
it
farida says:
i knw armie i jus..locked miself away again
armie- says:
AGAIN...
farida says:
thought id handle it ..
armie- says:
but u know we were worrrriiiiiiieeeeedddddddddddddddddddddd
farida says:
u were?
farida says:
its onli been 4 or 5 days..
armie- says:
yah and thats long enough
farida says:
nd u knw the dact tht u WERE worried means so much right now
farida says:
i dunno today i was jus like screw evrryone
farida says:
screw patrick and ezra and wayna and i dunno
farida says:
i jus stopped givin a dman abt evryone
armie- says:and...? so u pushed them all
farida says:
yeh..theyre alll gttin pushed...
farida says:
i dunno i hav too much work and all to worry about any of them
armie- says:
im sure ez was worrried
farida says:
haha....im sure he wasnt
farida says:
ive been skippin class and all..thts it
farida says:
met him today...
armie- says:
whatttttttttttttttttt???
farida says:
NOT all
armie- says:
u been skippinnnnnn?
farida says:
but yeh..cant wake up on time or been goin to embassies right
farida says:
and theyre onli open in the mornings
farida says:
gud news is i got mi swiss visa
farida says:
anyways..i dunno...ive realised its all coming to an end
armie- says:
wats comin to an end?
farida says:
patricks graduating and ezra and me wnt hav any classes
farida says:
smesters over i dunno
farida says:
me,,im ending...haha..im bein the strong locked up me again
farida says:
am i makin any sense right now..i dunno
armie- says:
i hate what ur doin right now...
armie- says:
ur shuttin them out jus cuz u dont believe that they will give effort to see u
farida says:
yeh
farida says:
because theres no point
farida says:
because i was hurting these past 4 days and i i had noone to call
farida says:
noone to talk to and ive neever felt so loneli in mi whole entire life
armie- says:
we were just here eeda...
armie- says:
but u just didnt wanna tell us either...
farida says:
thts whut i fought with mum and dad abt..dad told mum evrythin tht worries me and i wans tellin her cuz shed cry
farida says:
and she found out ad gav me a lecture and did cry
farida says:
i dunno..its mayb cuz ive been thinkin i complain too much
farida says:
i go on and on abt all this with u guys wen mayb u guys r goin thru worse
armie- says:
well dont we all?!!??!
armie- says:
no ur goin thru stuff toooooo
farida says:
and i need to shut up and stop bein selfish
armie- says:
we're all goin thru stuff
armie- says:
which is why we need each other!
farida says:
and heal mi own self and forget tht ez or patrick r neone else here are gonna do it for me
farida says:
i knw
farida says:
i dunnno armie
farida says:
sumthings gtten into me again..itll come off soon
armie- says:
do u want us to shut up too then?
farida says:
NO
armie- says:
ok
farida says:
no id hate that
armie- says:
if thats how u want it\
armie- says:
fine
farida says:
NOarmieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
farida says:
arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
farida says:
dont do that
farida says:
ARMIEEEEEEEEEEEE
farida says:
ok ok
farida says:
im sorryyyyyyyyyy
farida says:
i wont
farida says:
dont u give out on me
farida says:
ARMIEEEEEEEEEEEEE
armie- says:
well ur doin it to us
farida says:
im sorrrryyyyyyy i jus ddont knw
farida says:
i got locked up again..im sorry
farida says:
jus thought id handle it all
farida says:
im so sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy
farida says:
armie say sumthin or ima die right here
You have just sent a nudge.
farida says:
armieeeeeeeeeee
armie- says:
ok ok....just promise u wont do that...
armie- says:
because we do care eeda!
farida says:
i promise i wont....
armie- says:
duuhhhh...that's why were called FRIENDS!!
armie- says:
because we care
farida says:
hahahaaaaaaa
armie- says:
and we will understand
farida says:
i was hurt
farida says:
cuz mum and dad and mi aunt and uncle
farida says:
didn understand
farida says:
or anyone at uni
armie- says:
but we're ur frends...even if we dont understand...we'll try!
farida says:
so i pushed evryone off and u guys with it and thts my mistake
farida says:
i knw im sorryyyy........
farida says:
id forgotten whut it was like to knw sumone cares,,,for a moment
farida says:
stupid self esteem again
farida says:
haha..im sorry.....
armie- says:
....
farida says:
it WONT happen again
armie- says:
we all have problems eeda...big or small...we wanna hear it....
farida says:
id jus forgotten u guys did
farida says:
wnna knw abt me...
armie- says:
oh shuddup..
farida says:
haha
farida says:
im sorrrrrrry
armie- says:
thats not sumthng u forget unless u wanna
farida says:
its been a long crappy week
farida says:
its jus that whoel fight with mum and dad...
armie- says:
....
farida says:
i was in theis panicky place wher i realised i cudn let mi stress out on either of them cuz they worried too much
armie- says:
yah ok...
farida says:
or mi aunt cuz shed tell mi mum
farida says:
or mi uncle cuz hed patronize me
armie- says:
yah...
farida says:
he was givin me al ecture on not bein emotionalli strong enuf
armie- says:
but thats why u have us!! ur blog!!! to let it out when it gets too much...
farida says:
bein too dependant and i wanted to scream at him and HIT him
farida says:
and tell him i AM strong
farida says:
hes like theres prolli stronger gurls than u in the family
farida says:
and i felt do hurt
farida says:
i wanted to tell him those gurls didn see half of whit i did
farida says:
or go thru half the crap i did
farida says:
their mum didn try and commit suicide or they didn see all th other cra tht went on
farida says:
i jus felt awfull....kinda like id show him
farida says:
gr..newyas
farida says:
its all out now...ive said it all out
farida says:
i feel calm again
farida says:
tellin u evrythin
farida says:
and light.
armie- says:
yah u shouldn't bottle up that stuff...thats what u tell me...
farida says:
more human..
farida says:
thanks armie
farida says:
i need a few slaps in the face every so often
farida says:
im so sorry for jus goin away like that
armie- says:
i'll slap u if i was there! but u know im not...
farida says:
hahaa.......
farida says:
thanx so much
farida says:
sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much
armie- says:
shuddup
armie- says:
ur sayin the T word to me
haha..ok i cut off sum parts cuz itd b too long and it still is.I HOPE UR NOT MAD AT ME ARMIE FOR PUTTIN THIS HERE...i jus wana look back on mi blog wen im feelin crappy at uni and read this nd KNW sumone caress...dnt worry i onli saved this convo cuz it touched me.....and i missed u all..and i knw u guys will b like, there she goes again,,but honestly..i dunno whut happened..as i said , i snapped.....i jus went like -eff it all, ill do it - obv didn work....im sorry i did it ....talkin to armie made me realsie AGAIN jsu how great u guys are.....thank u sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for caring...talkin with her pulled me back frm mi,,er,,depression!??!..made me feel again....hahaa
usualli wen i write mi blog i feell lighter and feel all the pains been washed out..today for some weird reason , its stil hurtin..theres still sumthin in ther thts not out..i neeed to think and write it in later.........haha..
whut else........hmm..mi net buds, logan,faisal and faisal haha,,hav been good,.the three of em care,tell me im good,..w/e...i knw its silly to trust them..but to see mi wall on fb or offline msgs on msn sayin we missed u, we care..meant alot..and im NOT sendin hidden msgs to u lot abt this ok...i KNOW u guys care ....tht feelings comin back..a lil...haha
so i guess tht is all for today..id discuss harry P but sum of u havnt read it so itd b unfair..it made me cry tho...YES THAT TOO..haha...ive been crying alot..at mi wits ends as theyd say...haha ( whose they?) hahaha
anywayssssssssssssss..its 5 37 am nowwwwww....................................cnt think of more things to write and this has been ONE LONG LONG BLOG..haha..but i feel happier and lighter and jus all =D =D =D..lolz...i WUV U GUYS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much...
mi hearts bursting off it right now..lolzzzzzzzzzzzzz..wher aARE u mi bandaids????come to papa.!!!..er....mama!!!.....err....oh eff it, jus come to mee will u? hahahaa
see im gttin mu humour back..thts goooooooooooood..
oh on the way back frm the swiss embassy,,this 70 ish yr old guy and me were taking.he told me hes greek and all,,we discussed libya..told me he was unmarried,,asked me if i was single..then 'popped the question' .hahahaha
him-wher u goin?
me-downtown
him-want to have coffee with me downtown?
me-er no im kinda busy.
him-lunch sometime..
me ( thinkin,.....u despo freakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk......)
me-its mi stop...
hahahhaa..i was like woahhhhhh...so i DO gt attention from guys,,and do get asked out in canada as sum predicted..except by horny desperate 70 yr olds...yay for me.......haha..and he resembled mr.ibrahim so much it was freakiiiiiii...
dnt worry im nt goin out with ibrahim anytime soon..haaha
ew man..like seriousli..70 yr old? 70 YEAR OLD? do i seriousli look THAT old too? hahahah
anywayssssssssssssssssss...mi heads abt to erupt now cuz of sleep but i HAD to do this blog cuz tomoros mi study-hard day..............so yh....lemme quickli put in mi 'very very optimisitc' horoscope from fb for tomorow; before i go...
Farida,
Resolving conflicting opinions and deciding between opposing views or different options is essential now. Even though you don't want to be put in the middle of it all, that's exactly where you will find yourself today. You will have people coming at you from all sides. Face them head on instead of crouching up in a ball and waiting for it to blow over.
Astro Forecast
 Money |  Love | |
and,,,,,,,,,,,
| This is also a good time to bring to light elements from your infancy and adolescence that still could be active in your subconscious, in the wake of psychological experiences that still have not been assimilated well. If you have some antipathy, resentment or grudge toward some member of your family, now is the time to reflect on it and, thereafter, improve your relationship with that person. second one sound familiar? ring a bell.? haha..so damn trueeeeeeeeeee...lolz......... ok mes G ,,,i doth go but thou doth remmeber...i love u all..i miss u all..and im thankful for u all tooooo..alotttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.................. ps.we be survivors..last quote tht dad sent me below...PROMISE this is the last...
|
1 comment:
luv u eeda.im just here.
and nope im not mad that u put that up..hahaha
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