the difference between childhood and growing up is that
when you're a child, the world is never really there.
when you grow up, it never really leaves.

it always comes back and knocks on your door, and without asking
places itself back on your shoulders.

it does not ask if you can carry it, does not ask if it might be
hurting some part of you, if your shoulders are not sagging if
your back is not crumpling your
spine not bent broken dented with the
weight.

to the world,
the world appears light as a feather.


the undebatable monotony of everyday.
you wake up, you walk through your entire day as if following an unknown plan to add a bit of this person and a part of that feeling and a shard of that old forgotten hope or pain
back onto yourself.
you build these castles, carve into yourself these shelters these holes these little places of comfort for them and them and them
and forget
that maybe you need a place to crawl back into too? at the end of the day..
when the light fades out and you wonder if maybe under all those
people places masks faces
bones and bodies and nails and toes and flesh and blood and
ashes ashes ashes,
under all that, is there any bits of you left?

you search but you do not can not will not
find.

because you've forgotten if there ever was a you
because all there is now is this and that and them .
and under all of it
there is nothing.

no you.


That
is a scary thought to wake up to.



maybe that realization is what growing up is.
or maybe i just need another cup of coffee.
-eeda.