Ze return.
of ze dramah Queen.
*play Frankenstein music on cue*

i'm on the brink of wanting to cry,
like drama-queens bawling hysterically in teen movies (think Clueless, Mean Girls)
when they break the proverbial manicured bright pink nail.

i wanna push Everything away.
i wanna push Everyone away.

and not cuz im having b.o issues or anything.

Expectations.
ACK-pectations.

I'm on such a self-prescribed guilt-trip and its weighing me down so intensely I can't seem to function.
Like.
('cuz i have to give an explanation for anything which is not to say I question the possible intelligence of my readership if it so exists, but that it's more reflexive of my own crumbling brain standards rotting away that need to name,define,explain,visualize,smell,sniff,touch,caress,cuddle and lick other words to fully understand their meaning.)

so. i cant function
like a coffee machine which makes third class coffee out of the best roasted Brazilian beans cant function. you know? sort of like you have the resources but you STILL find some goddamn ingenious way to fuck up.

yeah. That.

I was the make-everyone-happy girl. I can't stand this make myself-happy persona. I need to stab it into shreds.
Kill Eeda.
starring not Uma Thurman cuz she reminds me too much of a blonde ostrich,
but starring our very own brown fob me.

no, honestly though. I wanna push a certain someone away so I can make my khala and ammi and this and that and the entire fudgin paki community happy cuz thats what they Want, nahee?
The Desi Bholi Bhali Bimbo.
that's one too many B's.

Bitch starts with B too.

I miss being the B, albeit incognito.
Behind the masked internet screens I could lash out at the world with half-churned out sarcasm and a larger-than-life tragic life storyline that made people crumble to my feet.

NOT.happening anymore.

I'm sick of things. I want to forget everyone and just enjoy the rainy blue skies like a midnight grey velvet cloth held up with cotton buds and purple shimmery sequins.

Breathe eeda.

Everyone and their MOMS out there right now is trying to make me happy. Birthday parties are being planned out, get-togethers and gifts and long-winded we-will-miss-you's and extra-squishy hugs and surprise birthday-presents shipped over 2000 miles and midnight-random-mommy-phone-calls and somehow im STILL not happy and I want to push it all away because somehow someway Im letting them all. down down down down down.

i need a coffeeninininini.. a cappuchinononono.

there's one too many I's in this post.
Idiot starts with an I too.
so does Utter.Mindless.Bullshit.

okay. it doesn't. but I wish it did.


-eeda.