This one's about the journey.


Part 1.

Momma told me to go get fixed, child. stay happy.
except happiness was not the cure.
So i went to see the shrink he said it
would help if i wrote.

It wasn't the cure, but I
plunged hands into my mouth and removed wads of
paper and tissue, old cardboard, magazines no one
wants to read anymore,
and still the words wouldn't come.
what came instead was mind-vomit florescent
green neon blue and daisies
in pink with frills.
think happy child, they had said.

i want to read she said
the cure, holding onto Pamuk, Ondaatje in hand
and Eliot leading the way across
vacant lots with newspaper scraps i am
an old lady. My soul is stretched tight
across the skies. Nut in blue, silver
stars i am afraid of the night it
reminds me of Him.

Part 2

You
used to tell me that our
relationship was based on no judgements and yet
you tell me
i
am a *****, my clothes
too innapropriate for your taste i
am no longer the person i used to be.
maybe.
things change and so have you and as have i
trying to find the cure.
it is not in your words.
anymore.

i used to think that
you
of all people could heal
maybe.
maybe, as i went alng and tried to find
myself, you would wait. maybe,
if and when i failed, you would
welcome me back with open arms let
me subside in your embrace in tears.
you have
done nothing but issue further rules
of how unhappy you were with x,y,z and
me.
i broke no rules, i'm living
by everything i set for myself.
all i wanted was to search, explore, find
what it is that makes me happy.
you, are violating my space, you
judge me, issue regulations, declare
i am not at par with who i was,
i
have failed you, You,
put me on a guilt trip. It
is not the cure.

Part 3

the concern pours in from unexpected quarters
moves me to tears.
She cares, despite all.

and no one knows how to help.

Part 4

Mind-vomit.

dance the tango tango tango baby the hemp fadango the super shawty ittle bottle baby ur mine when i was divine u loved me nought like black silver spanish maiden heaven made in china i am an imitation of everything i see u and me we were not meant to be for u wanna be me while i want to be thee i cheat is it deceit when i imitate my fate is sealed not in my hands contraband slipsand once twice and again cuz girl i loved u so, and its so sad i dont wanna let go i dont wanna let go hey girl, im so happy cuz nappy hair is whut u told me black curly ugly like how i used to be ill go back to pre-me untill i find a savior again my personal Jesus freeze us into memories baby call me im a call girl rememebr u said u said u said i wasnt good now that's what i understood, that's understood.







you used to tell me my voice alone was enough,
now even a complete annihilation of self is insufficient.
i don't know how to make you happy anymore.



Part 5  

seeking normality. if found, please return here.


(tbc)