dil

kyun yeh mera shor karay..

thrre is an internal, somethingsomething thats leaving me restless. the imposter of ur visage
, Golf, stands so close, so tangible to me each day..leaving me oddly bitter, sullen, withdrawn..i punish him for the injustice you bestowed....

.what an irony God, to have the man who forsake me take another form in my sister in laws husband? so similar in manner, speech, physical form, and..the eyes? the.exact.same.piercing.gaze. i find i cannot even bear to look upnwhen he's in the same room, it leaves me in a state of such confusion. had the loose ends of my distant past been tied up, maybe this oh-so -real reminder of how your and mine story unfolded wouldn't have been so bitter. i cant refer to it as 'we'. you saw to that didn't you?

needless to say, the hapless victim might be equally as confused as the inflicter of this awkwardness, i dont know how what where, my mind is relieving those 20 days over and over again and the 6 month that followed....the only peace i get is when S is in the room and i can focus on him, and the goodness and love he brings in my life, unquestioning,...undemanding...and then i can temporarily clear my mind of the painful what-ifs that you left lingering in your wake.

but ur married now. with a child. and i have a partner who is, by every means, my missing half. i cannot fathom existing if i dont' see his face every morning..then why is this pinging at my heart so so intensely? i just wanted closure. i really honestly just wanted to hear the 'no' from you...not this houdini act of disappearances and illusions and questionsquestionsquestions....and then the news you were engaged.

im hoping i can minimize my interaction with this innocent imposter for the few days every monthni will have to be in the same vicinty as him, somehow by then i can rip these two personas apart into two entities, not have one as such a poignant reminder of the other.


kahan ghayab rehta hai ye dil.
soch.

im thinking at the back crevices of my mind enclosed in little black holes, plastic jars covered in fuchsia clingfilm ( its always important to clean up very nicely and look pretty on the outside'. inside im swirling swirling in tendrils of smoke joy and visions pastfuture. not the grumpy stooge yet tho.


enough meandering. back to life,
-eeda