yes it sucks.

when u bend over backwards to please ur in-laws. do things that no 6-month old bride would be doing..cooking, cleaning, scrubbing the floors, bathroom tiles, cleaning out the fridge, microwave, taking care of everyone in the family, nashta dena, khana dena, laundry karna, fold kerke achay se two flights of stairs upar neechay karna, aur uski shaadi ki leye ghar ke eik eik kona sajana, uski gadi sajana, uska karma mein apna sara neya saman bhar dena takay usko sub naya aur acha mile, aur subah ke 6 bajay tak uske leye shaadi ka slideshow bana ker, 9 bajay uth jana sub ko nashta dene ke leye, and all those little little things....theek hai ke sub respect kertay hain usko,..lekin yeh jo eik second mein paraya ker dena hota hai na, yeh meri samajh mein nahee ata.

like okay u did a great job, and I loved u when I needed u when I was getting married and none of my friends were there, and ill hold ur hand and no one elses when I said my yes's, lekin jab meray hisay ki baat ayegi to use mein nahee nibahoungi..that bites.

when they all go out for goodness-knows-what. and they ignore that im on the dining table with them. and forget asking me to come along, don't even bother to tell me they're going...

that bites.

aur mein upar se jitna bhi muskura loon, aur jitna bhi hans loon, aur jitna bhi pretend kerloon that yes they're a family and I don't have to be included, and they should get their alone-time now that she's married, and I don't have to tag along when i'm not wanted there, the fact that I wasn't asked to come along.

that really really bites.

kher. I've learnt that the achai u do should never be contingent on the response u wish to receive from other people, because other people are also human. maybe in pain, upset, moody, with their own problems...the goodness you do should be completely irrespective of that with any kind of appreciation or respect as just a mere bonus. but my heart is human too, and if I don't acknowledge that this being left behind feeling really stings me, I would lying to my core. And I can't do that.

I think that's the thing with this post-marriage re-birth. I've gone back to the old me. The pre-Vancouver, pre-khalu, pre-Golf me. I'm overly happy, overly nice and under-anxious now. I've gone back to being the no-drama no-games saaf dil eeda I was. And it feels Great to return to core. To return to the ideals the 14 or 16 or 18 year old would have loved to know that the 23 year old would continue to live by.
But it stings. And everyone around me tells me it's impractical. My husband, my friends..My own mother and father. They tell me that my selflessness is killing me and it shows. I put myself so far back behind I'm not even ON my own list anymore. I looked like a mess at her wedding, because I got ready last, I took all my hair pins from my hair to tuck her hair in place, so she would look great and me, who cares? I was in two photos. If that. In both of which I looked like a mess, and people said it. But that doesn't matter, to me it didn't. I saw her overwhelmed and smiling and that was it.

But ab aisa to nahee hona chaheye na?

I can't stop myself though. There's no off switch that makes it easier to be heartless. I cannot just say No. I don't know how to do this, how to tone the goodness down, sadly, so I don't over-ride myself, I don't get hurt. I don't want to be bitter, I don't want to hold back from doing any little thing that can be of service to anyone. It's actually not even a matter of I don't want to, I can't. I just simply can't. It's hardwired into every fiber of my being.

Kher. I'll just put on some good old mopey songs and mope. And when they come back I'll be all smiles again and pretend that it never really mattered to me that I was left behind like a rejected member of their family they thought a burden to take with them. And maybe with all the pretense, I'll believe my own act, like I always do, and it will just fade away as well. In due time.

-eeda