I want

to be fuckin' high out of my mind.
not self-induced high-ness that i'm usually on. the real thing.just once.
high enough to forget my own goddamn name.

i need a
flaw.



i need
to let go
without trying to.

'cuzz im blue if i dont breathe, id die da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba da da ba dee da ba die cuz for a minute. in that minute. was a century .was fury. that i hadnt seen since the march of 2006. when dad had lifted his hand. and i saw that fury in ur eyes .and it chilled me. killed me. grilled me to the floor. u bashed round. the sound. rang in my ears. i was still. chilled. felt ur anger and ur pain. saw ur insanity and i was quiet. u cried. denied it.
but.u.cried.
as much u refuse it, i saw u. the helplessness and the agony.
and a part of me died.

it died again when today u told me u didn't remember anything from last night.

and don't bother asking me now what happened, that madness is mine alone to deal with. i don't want to remind u again, make u remember, bring up those words that truth that mood that fear that clenching in my stomach so hard i felt like i was going to throw up every bite id had in the last week.

but i know this. ive never drunk in my life, but i still know this, as Fact ;-
drunken words are honest words.
if anything....thank-you for your honesty.......

and now. we rant.

let us say that it was good while it lasted..let us say that dreams do end, so u dont need to make that choice between reality and dreams anymore...because there is no dream...because there was no dream because all there was, was an illusion. thats gone. and i know this. why in the fckin hell do i know this..why the hell do i keep tellin people its okay? be mad at me or walk away or punch or slap or dowhutthefuckingever and i will not say a word cuz its always okay. 'cuz no its not okay. it is not fucking okay. i'm not ur doormat. and i wish i was strong enuf to say that to ur face. and to urs and to urs and to urs.

which is why i need to be high.'cuz u get to say whut u want to say, and it doesn't count. and it doesn't hurt.

still no rainbows!?!
-eeda

ps. armie dont freak out. or worry. i'm fine. just a little ranty =)

p.p.s-hey u, got meth?
ha. my cynicism cracks me up. aha aha ahahahahaha.

edit-he drove back at 6 am just to talk when he ws supposed to stay over his frnds place. he belted out evrythng abt him,good bad ugly, said he missed me a coupla times, and fell asleep.
he sleeps so peacefully.

and im SO confused.
-eeda

Lyrics.2

this was gonna be part of the original post but then i found a picture to go with the poem thngy, and that def. deserved a little limelight of its own.

it's like we're both on
parallel highways
suspended, by parallel
strings high above
the world.
Our realities don't
intersect.
We stay rigid in our place.
Twist and turn to cater to
life's
everyday monotony.

But for the brief moment
our breaths
overlap
I am alive.

Before reality pulls, before
we return to the gray, the
dull, the here and now
the never will be.

-ACK...TOO emo..
aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...
seriousli, this feels weird....the next 20 odd posts are gonna be about rainbows.
oh, and Smarties.
-eeda

ps..i jus realised i've done a post like this one before.... with the exact same picture..ahahaha..so much for tryna make this one special.

Stage Five- Le Fin.

go.went.gone.
as we speak.

another stone.

Lyric.

lyr·ic-–adjective Also, lyr·i·cal.

1. (of poetry) having the form and musical quality of a song, and esp. the character of a songlike outpouring of the poet's own thoughts and feelings, as distinguished from epic and dramatic poetry.

i've been thinking for a while to do a blog in pure lyrics.
(some of these are mine, some by others)

I can see these fading lines tell stories.
Memories
Etched deep.
Into the crevices of my palm.

Figures lie. and liars figure.

How is it that
you're an asset
and a liability?

'and nothing can stop me except divine intervention.'

I can already see the story spelt out
across the sky.
I'm my own oracle.
I sense disaster as it comes.
sense Disintegration
of a bond. a habit. a feeling.
Knowing you care. Knowing you're there.

Realism will be my downfall.

When i miss you
i sing
bring
memories into my
mind
find
sublime
joy at things
we used to do.

and i'll put you in a little box and store you away.

Sometimes I feel like a MS word file.
stretched taut to the sides of the page.
fully justified
of every breath I take.
I am predictable.
Written.
My full stops, question marks are all in check.
I am margined.
My personal bubble
1.5 inch
The white sides roll around me like a shroud.

Happiness is knowing when to stop.

Hate the bluntness.
Love the Realism.

Lesson Learnt?
Be Very careful of what you wish for.

Meeting you is a tedious task.
I remove this mask behind masks.
Face behind faces.
I come undone.
Naked and vulnerable in your judgement.
Burning in the embers of your eyes.
Trusting.

Illusions are lethal.

That blind thing


Remove
me
from the glass shields.
the numbness has gotten too Real.

Riotously Ablaze.

Half flung lines
Half sung songs of glory.
Too fast. Too soon.

You are neither here nor there.
Like a soldier fighting two battles.

You are my breath without breath. .
Life-source without oxygen.

another stone i put into my shoe.
another stone, to remind me of you.

I hate to segregate.

Regrets.
I look back and I'm thinking.
I could have done without this.
It's too late to fix.

Silence. Solitude. Serenity.
Peace.

I lose myself in tiny things.
scrabble. random chats.
The superficial. the fake.
Live in my alternate realm.

Assumed Blindness. Not written in stone.

So I saw your eyes today
On another man, passing by.
They
didn't quite see my soul.

don't douse into the uncertain.

I need my
Mother Theresa,
my Edhi, my
Gandhi.
My Saviour.
Emancipate me.

Belated Relapse.

We're the class act.
I hide behind your shadow.
Blend in. Invisible.
Almost like I didn't ever
Exist.

Door-mat issues.

i wanna remember you
like sand caught between the toes.
not quite heaven, not quite hell.


sweetest downfall.

and from the centers of your clenched palms
I will draw out rainbows.
I will splash them on every easel in the world
and ill dip the hues with pieces of you
and paint you
in a million shades.


p.s that sounds like mohay rang de basanti expanded. LOL


-all for now,
eeda

.

Level four.

Hit the decline.

In their words.

for when ur own run out.

taken from deviant art post secret.
It's Not plagiarism when the source is acknowledged. HA!







especially those that are accompanied with good company, good music, and rain.









Just to go with the 'dreams' theme from the previous post.
-pst, armie. u know what this means. Again.



and i spent the last 45 minutes tryna find sum other good ones but no luck.
secret--> i want the last 45 mins of my life back.

A penny for your thoughts
A nickle for your kiss
A dime if you tell me that you love me.

-from Guantanamera, by Wycleff Jean.

Nadir called me today while i was talkin to drug. I tried telling him id call him back an i ws busy with sumthin bt he wudn listen. he was PISSED..like mad pissed and just wanted to rant..i had drug waiting for a while, which made me feel liek shit afterwards cuz it was realli late ther nd he'd stayed up to talk and frankly if it was me, id b pissssssed... i dunno why i felt like mentioning this...jus feel bad i guess. hmmm.. btw this lil piece has nothing to do with the lyrics above, don't be gettin any ideas.
oh. and they were playing live jazz and reggae at uni today at the Cornerstone, with the waterfall and the sun out and the bright blue sky. and thennnnnn, they played 'Every little thing will be alright/ Three birds' by Bob Marley.
and.everything.was.just.Heaven.

live for the little moments.
'cuz basheereye,,,,,kenu pata, kal hovey te na hovey....
-eeda.

pst. im not punjabi.

Transient.

Everything that is, will be.
I always used to believe otherwise.

I think this year was molded in a way just to defy every single belief I have ever had.
Somebody up There got sick of me having unflinching convictions.

I think the worst part about dreams, is that they always end.
You can fall back asleep a million times, but you wont ever have just that one dream again. It's never quite the same.
The good part though is that eventually, you do fall back asleep. Eventually.

I love metaphors. Especially ones that no one quite gets but me.
Arrogance. And Stubbornness. Ahan.

dat's how WE roll. Son.
-eeda.

And then..

i think that's what life is..a series of ''and then's..''...this happened then this happened then that and then and then and then and then full stop.

this for armie, ..'cuz well
a) she's the only person i know who really reads this aside from the random people who kinda randomly stumble across this and get dumbfounded ( by the sheer randomness and not the genius of it) and randomly leave....*
*my vocab's on sick-leave. again.
b) 'cuz she's the only one person who wants to know voluntarily what my 'ant then' is...where my story goes...its been three years since i last saw her, and u know whats absolutely funny, we've both been there thru the and-then's and the omg-no-way's....
hell YEA miracles happen..

so anywaysm my and-then for today is..well hm..
ezzie-no update..sent him a msg on facebook, text..nuthing...think ive realli pissed him off or rather us two have just become alienated from each other, which i know he absolutely HATED...i miss that kid, i hope he gets over the awkwardness soon and we hang out,.
roachie-let's not even go ther..guy PISSES me off...its next to impossible to have a serious decent conversation with him anymore. no miracles in that department.
and drug, i miss him a lot..we talk less since his schedule changed,,nd he sounds off and distant now...he's one of those people tho that u dont need to say anythin to bt ,,things get said?....
i dunno, i have a feeling this is liek the 'been there done that' him and me both keep talkin abt...will it fade too? i dunno..maybe with time. but will i forget? definitely not...i quote shams on this one because he was the one person i knew who was completely convinced of the fact' people come into ur life for a reaason, and when their purpose there is over, they leave. u learn the lesson, and move on'
its hard accepting that fact but ..hmm,,part of life.

at this point i sound SO much liek the mediocre kind of blogs u come across where people jus rambleee about the quote unquote 'menial details' of their lives. and it's blah realli..who'd want to know? u might as well watch a more tragic/emo/dramatic/controversial soap opera and have ur moments of O-no-she-didn't that way.

hmm..nexttttt up on the agenda is the daily epiphany..i told nadir this too and i think its sumthin i can apply to my life more and more lately...


think the text is a little too light,,..fix it when i get home..
its funny how we sumtimes let go of our dreams because reality steps in....me, i let go of reality sumtimes because a dream steps in...and yes thats stupid and feminine and idealistic, i havent been able to completly let go of that idealism yet but heck.. the first steps to remedying a flaw is recognizing it. so now that step one's over let's make a game plan.
just not yet =)

dreams make u happy. reality kills.
enuf emo for today, u can go de-emo ureself now. watch the news.
-eeda.

To family.

dunno whut id do w/o u armiee........:)
this needed to be acknowledged..
click below =)
to us.

Paradox.

its not Rational.
at all.





But I can't help not to.

One-lined Epiphanies.

cuz im random like that.
this for the things that i'll remember.


I hit the It.

It, where Enough lies.
It, where You're missing the point.

It, the missing point.

so i turn myself to face me.

this could be heaven or this could be hell

Some dance to remember, some dance to forget

we are all just prisoners here, of our own device

You can checkout any time you like,
But you can never leave

18 miles. 14 hours. 2 weeks.
3 different universes. 3 different lifetimes.
one lesson.
Forget. Forget. Forget.

end nostalgic rant. phee-ew.
-eeda

Of Patience and other things.

Patience is a virtue.
random fact.





dunno why im getting so artsy shmartsy about this.

my drug drove all the way back from his friends place jus to talk to me. it made mi night.
its liek the time roachie stayed up 14 hours to talk...
it feels weird. it realli does.
is happiness supposed to make you feel guilty? 'cuz mine sure as hell does.

'some dance to rememeber. some dance to forget.'
another random fact. lovely song tho.

all for now,
-eeda.

and that's whats up.

a whole lot of blah really. im at uni. im bored. out of my head. out of my cranium. out of my frontal and parietal and occipital bone. yes those.
i'm smart.

enough of two syllables.

to armie, i miss u woman! i cant remember when was the last time we had one of our tell-all's...i miss those...

to ezra..it was SO awkward seeing you and not havign anything to talk about anymore..granted im seeing u after 3 weeks when we made it a point to atleast meet up once a week but still, u were like my other twinn 'cept in a midget male chinese cutesy form.... and i missed u dude. im getting good at this alliteration thing.

to roachie, make up ur MIND for heaven's sake.one second u want to all but marry me and the next say ur liek i dont want to talk to u anymore. the demands you make seem something STRAIGHT out of an overlllyyyyyyyy romantic black-and-white say-that-you-love-me kind of movie which, well are pretty decent (Only because there's no duppattas-in-the-air involved) but like dude,..its like.. u cannot go back to things that u destroyed, alright.....( or well on second thought u cannnnn...)
BUTTTTTTT u CANT just come back and be all okay and its all fine and dandy now suddenly.. 'cuz thats not how it works. and cuz its like dead and gone now, that feeling, and then things like those need to be dug up again and revived back sumhow. i dunno why im talking like a 40 year old archaeologist. its like, yes yes pull out that mummy you, smack it round the face and make it talk again..shove those damn dentures in while ur at it.
lame joke. blame it on dehydration.

and lastly to drug- i'm falling. YET fucking again. and its REALLI realli scary.
and no,i didn't mean to swear it just,..the situation and the im-so-mad-at-myself-right-now thing required it.

and now for today's inssssspirational quote folks...put ur hands together for the talenteddddddd i-googled-inspirational-quotes-and-this-is-what-i-came-up-with,




i'm lame. and i'm bored. and i need starbucks. an iced cafe caramel frappe with cream.
blissssssssss.......
-eeda.

Injustice.

Too many people ignore the injustices around the world, ignore the orphan on the street to the innocent man shot at a war he doesn't belong to and frankly, couldn't care less for...Existence is an unquestionable birthright for every human being, regardless of color and race and religion, and yet sadly, we make the mistake of thinking otherwise, and play God, and take lives into our own hands. Lives, that are dealt out around the world like a bad hand of cards at a card game. The triviality is disgusting.

please watch the video at ur own risk, it is very disturbing.



Keep in mind only this, we all mean something to somebody.



Just a thought
-eeda.

Resolution.

Things to do today #1.

I ......won't worry my life away...

-The Remedy, Jason Mraz.

-thus spake,
eeda.