I want

to be fuckin' high out of my mind.
not self-induced high-ness that i'm usually on. the real thing.just once.
high enough to forget my own goddamn name.

i need a
flaw.



i need
to let go
without trying to.

'cuzz im blue if i dont breathe, id die da ba dee da ba die da ba dee da ba da da ba dee da ba die cuz for a minute. in that minute. was a century .was fury. that i hadnt seen since the march of 2006. when dad had lifted his hand. and i saw that fury in ur eyes .and it chilled me. killed me. grilled me to the floor. u bashed round. the sound. rang in my ears. i was still. chilled. felt ur anger and ur pain. saw ur insanity and i was quiet. u cried. denied it.
but.u.cried.
as much u refuse it, i saw u. the helplessness and the agony.
and a part of me died.

it died again when today u told me u didn't remember anything from last night.

and don't bother asking me now what happened, that madness is mine alone to deal with. i don't want to remind u again, make u remember, bring up those words that truth that mood that fear that clenching in my stomach so hard i felt like i was going to throw up every bite id had in the last week.

but i know this. ive never drunk in my life, but i still know this, as Fact ;-
drunken words are honest words.
if anything....thank-you for your honesty.......

and now. we rant.

let us say that it was good while it lasted..let us say that dreams do end, so u dont need to make that choice between reality and dreams anymore...because there is no dream...because there was no dream because all there was, was an illusion. thats gone. and i know this. why in the fckin hell do i know this..why the hell do i keep tellin people its okay? be mad at me or walk away or punch or slap or dowhutthefuckingever and i will not say a word cuz its always okay. 'cuz no its not okay. it is not fucking okay. i'm not ur doormat. and i wish i was strong enuf to say that to ur face. and to urs and to urs and to urs.

which is why i need to be high.'cuz u get to say whut u want to say, and it doesn't count. and it doesn't hurt.

still no rainbows!?!
-eeda

ps. armie dont freak out. or worry. i'm fine. just a little ranty =)

p.p.s-hey u, got meth?
ha. my cynicism cracks me up. aha aha ahahahahaha.

edit-he drove back at 6 am just to talk when he ws supposed to stay over his frnds place. he belted out evrythng abt him,good bad ugly, said he missed me a coupla times, and fell asleep.
he sleeps so peacefully.

and im SO confused.
-eeda