of saying Sorry --and Surviving...

i jus realised i havent written mi blog in like the longestttttttttt time..this ones gonna be huge...hahah...
after all that stress from last week, dad told me to get mi french and swiss visa...atfirst i though itd b a piece of cake,,but filling out forms , gttin dads bank statement, bookin a flight, gttin flight itinieries, gttin hotel reeservations and embassy appointments and what not,,,and on top of that the uni work and all, jus realli drove me down under.....i was lost under work and stress and all bt more detail on th later....
soooooo wher do i start....well pattrick and me hav gotten closer in the sense we meet a lil more regularly, thts like once a week =P haha and talk on the net alot.....esp last week when he was gttin over hus gf and all,,,turns out shed slept with the guy shes now dating..and tht realli pushed patrick to stop.....so hes ok,,,,,,,,,,
ezras okay too,,waynes ok..i dunno what happened but sumthings gone out of me..sumthin jus went SNAP ...like a elastic rubber band reacchin its limit...
ok so this last week nuthin much realli happened nd even if it didi , ive completly forgotten it..on monday i had THE busiest day,,,went to class at 8, left uni at 10 to go downtown for an interview with the french embassy... was damn scared id gt lost but found it in time , , reached there 11:20, realised that id turned up a week earlier for an interview that was scheduled for next week monday..mi interview slip showed mi appointment date in big letters in the front...yup,THATS how lost ive been..hurrried back to uni by 12 sumthin ish.had lunch..saw ezras old man stick ( his umbrella u dodos...not that stick.....ewww) hanging by itself in the restaurant..took it with me to giv it to him,,bt honestly trynng to walk with it and NOT lookin an 80 yr old women is so hard,,,cuz its long so u end up using it like a cane.haha...went to eco tutorial, did a quiz,,hurried back home, stayed up all night finishing an english assignmentttt..

then on tuesday i skipped phil class and went to swiss embassy ,,,first i had to go to this place close to home to gt mi pic taken ,,,and i didn wnna walk in with a scarf ,thne take it off, then wear it again (cuz u cant b wearin a scarf on ur passport pics_) then go to embassy and hav them buggin me to confirm that me with and without hair is the same person....with and without scarf i meant.....so i took it off,,got mi pictures done,,,went to embasssy,they took one look at mi passport and bank statement, said come tomoro and ur visa will b ready...the guy had app been to libya and loved it ther.on the way back these two indian dudes sittin oppoiste me on the train started hittin on me.no, im not bein vain,,they WERE hittin on me,,they were starin like unasamedly the idiots,,one of em was immitating the way i was sittin..they were callin out and all.iifelt ..diisgusted,,and used.....arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...newayss...

came back home at round 6 ish,,, went to sleep..woke up,,stayed up all night doing phil paper worth 30th%,,,skipped eco next day cuz i overslept..went to phil tutorial,,ezra was teasing mein front of wayne about wearing mi 'jedi costume' again...its like u knw those things tht got popular a while back..like a wrap around t shirt, or short blouse kinda thng that ud knot under ur chest or at the side? neways, his teasing stung...and thn he started complainin abt nt havin seen bianca for 3 weeks, nd i was thinkin i skipped class yest bt he never realli askedme whut was with tht..id called on him on monday and told him i wud bt he never asked...anyways then me ,wayne nd him were discussing movies,,,and we were saying how Transfrmers is for guys and all...thn we talked abt a walk to remeebr and turns out wayne likes it too..i was like :O....dude, u seriousli dnt wna go round telli ngirls that..its a chick flick,,its emo goo whutever made for girlssss.....i find it ridiculous tht guys like it..and ezrra's like ur sexist,,and waynes like we hav feelings too and all..i felt like i was bein atttacked by those two but lookin back now,,i see i was doing the atttackin,......mi hate for all guys kinda thing is becomin apparent now...not hate realli, jus mistrust,,,i wanted to scream at ezra wen he called me sexist ( which does not mean sexy, horny or anything of that nature ,,haha..it means discriminating on gendar....yes yes i knw u all are not idiots but i dunno why i had to define tht..its pobably cuz wen i write emails back home i explain all the big words so that deejay doesn hav o ask dad and all =) ) so anyways i was saying bout mistrust,,well i dunno ive met sum reallli realli bad guys wen i was a kid nd i guess i started judgin all of em to b like tht..not a good idea, bt yeh...im sure all 3 of u know abt me molested wen i waas a kid right..i was too young, i can never b too sure whut realli happened..was it a dream? i dunno..thn jus the general male population in pakistan...thn dad putting down women all the time,...peoples concept of women's inferiority,,then all the idiots i ever liked,,,adel and jasem and all, patrick...they all screwed me over in some way or another.....so i dont think its a big surprise im on the offensive now...or is it defensive? am i jus tryna protect miself?i dunno..i havent told u guys all the story yet so this prolli wont make sense..

so after phil tutorial i went to swiss embassy,,got mi passport..got first real feeling of havin done SUMTHIN right that week..after the other huge disasters ill talk abt in a moment...then i went round downtown..its a beautiful place,,built next to the sea....gorgeousssssssssssssss views of the mountains and the city and all...felt quite alone and yt quite independant...nice feeling.on the outside but in the 'deep heart's core' i cravedddddddd u guys to b ther..someone......ive jus been v loneli.....

anyways, wednesday i did nuthin..thursday which is todaay, i went to uni ,,,came back....lied down on mi bed..khalu came to peek over whut i was doin on mi laptop..lied down behind me.rested his arm on mi waist,he was realllllllllli close..i got uncomfortable,,sat up..he sat next to me,,,,,......coupla guys were online on mi fb, ishan and faisal and all.hes look who are theseee....nd iwas on chizzat on audio, talkin to this other dude...so mi uncle got all intrigued by that..no he cudn and din hear the other dude.....anyways,then he came back with chips,,said the onli waay u gt em is if u wnna eat with mi hand..i said no thnx im nt a kid ill do it miself..so i kinda snatched it ate it miself..haha..he was teasin with the chip again..like with the yoghurt..anyways,,,,,,,he ws jus bein flirty i guess..aftr a long time....dnt worry nuthin happneened and nuthin will..

anyways......so nowwwwwwww lemme talk abt other things that had been buggin me....first i jus realized its 4am and tht i had to submit a hil paper online at 12..GREAT..i get one mark taken off for late entry....cudve done it ealrier but i fell asleept at 9...its 4 52 am here..anyways....so one day i was talkin to dad and well he apologized for bein a bad father...for githing with mum..for makin me see all those things i shudnt hav,,,.......here are sum parts of the convo....

fareeda:

i see khala and khalu making those sacrifices for their kids...u guys did it too for us but we jus took it for granted......

Moin_Shahid says:

wll thats our duty

farida says:

hahaha..........

Moin_Shahid says:

and doesnt need mentioning

farida says:

such an indian dialogue

farida says:

yeh to mera farz thaaaa

Moin_Shahid says:

infact we always are afraid, we havent taken good care of u all

Moin_Shahid says:

atleast i do

farida says:

i guess its insecurity

farida says:

u need to know u did the best

skip some part..

farida says:

ur doin a great great job

farida says:

it couldnt hav been better

farida says:

honestly with sending me to america

farida says:

then sending me here

farida says:

i cannot even begin to imagine the kind of sacrifice it is for u two

farida says:

and it means A WHOLE LOT to me..

Moin_Shahid says:

beta so may things wernt wrong iin our fAMILY THAT I'LL ALWAYS BE FEELING SORRY

farida says:

nahee u shudnttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

farida says:

abu good or bad it was MI family

farida says:

Mi memories

farida says:

and every family has good and bad times...

farida says:

i rememebr all the great times we;ve had together bus

Moin_Shahid says:

jusat wish u had better memries

farida says:

i have THE BEST memories ok

and so on...i nevr realised jus how much of a failure dad felt....i nevr knew..it hurt me realli realli bad cuz yeh ive seen realli realli bad times when i was 8 or 9 but i never thought tht itd b killin dad as much as it killed me.im sorry i cant put more of th convo because,,hmm..still too tendar? too personal to put it on here...bt yh that hurt..and i cried alot that night..alot alot......for the good and the bad and the ugly..haha...for what had happened....

anyways,,,mi aunt is workin right as isaid and theyre gttin a nanny....by law here nannies need teir own room...i dunno if i mentioned this in the earlier blog or not..in any case, il hav to move out of mi room and move into mi cuzins..at first with the shock of it i didn kknw whut to say..so i told mum it was ok, id manage..but as days passed i realised how MUCH id b givin up..likin stayin awake all night, changing clothes , putting on makeup, studyin, sleepin..tht day i was tryin to sleep in mi cuzins room and they made such a racket that 2 and a half hours later i had big bluury red eyes, no sleep, and a massive headache.....anyways so i complained to dad abt it which was a rong move cuz dad told mom tht it did matter to me and he got all stressssed and moms like it doesn matter to her ..so nayways i talked to mom and we fought...she gav me a whole lecture on family and 'they are people worse off than u , b grateful' and all...and i said lisn, i knw ts family and im not saying its their fault..its jus inconvenient and i want ur sympathy but u give me lectures and all..she said tthts y she didn wanna send me here cuz i get rigid and cruel....and i dunno,man oka people r goin thru tougher stuff but i was goin thru a lot of emotional crap and was in now goin round feelin sorry for anyone at tht time..and then ammi bought in her favouriteeeeeeeeeeee example..how she and mi aunt had to share a room when they lived with their cousins too,,and i retorted, this isn't about u , its ABOUT ME.....i was rude i knw...bt the thing is, wen mi mum and mi aunt spent like 3 or 4 yrs with their relatives, the relatives kids were their own age so they followed the same school and exam pattern ,,second,the unis ther are no work, thirddd mi mum had mi aunt to share with, cry with, be with....i hav noone..i need mi privacy wher i can talk to u guys in peace..anyway..it was that stress and and embassy and all....mi mums in pakistan btw with mi grandma whse been feelin sick..we were both jus stressed and endingup crying in the end..yes yes , despo indian film heroines..but i cried and cried ad felt awfulllllllllllllllllllllllllll for ltting it all out on her...and she cried cuz she thought i thought they didn love me anymore....anyways..then i talked to dad and told him not tto tell mum whut i told him abt the room and all...i dcant quite remeber bt i hadan argument with abu too..another crying fit....obviousli........


whut else..i missed home, i was loneli..two huge fights with mi parents, dads confession,visa, insurance, rent, uni, patrick, mi grandmas stress,,the fact that nizam and dj are alone in libya, the fact that even tho im gttin the visa mi mum might not go to the holiday cuz shes sayin shed feel guilty about mi granma, the fact that we're gttin a nanny and i need to move out of mi room soon..how will i ever manage sharing ((sounds so selfish)),,need to pack mi bags for holidays, giv in english assignment worth 30%, prepare for final exams next next week, go shoppin for gifts, do a dozen lil tiny thngs,call them do that,,,jus all the stress and workload had killed me ....i was lost and completly burned outtttt.

whut else..during those 3 days between mi crying fit and all..i felt a sense of loneliness...realli realli loneli....i realised i cant tell mi dad anything anymore cuz he stresses and tells mum..mum again she'll jus giv a lecture and more than that, worry..........third, sum incident happened and khala let slip tht she told mum abt sumthin i didnt think she wud..ths is like the 11th time or sumthin..so i cant tell khala..and i obv cant tell khalu..patricks off the list too....whiel i fought with dad and was cryin he was online too..we talked, he comforted .......for once..but its nt safe gttin his comfort now....and i obv cnt tell ez,,we're frnds bt i dunno,,i wudn wnna go and tll hhim all the intimate hurtful thngs abt me..and thats that..there was noone else..yes i know u three are feeling indignant and goin U HAD US....i dunno whut i was doin,,i thought it wwas mi pain, noone cud help me,,noone caared...i jus put everyone in the same box and pushed u all away....thought id handle it miself..didn neeed anyone.....
THEN...armie HAPPENED......literalli....she screamed at me for movin off, closin up in mi shell again..she literalli stopped talkin until i promised her i wudn do it again..here's part of our convo....

farida says:

heyyyyyyy

armie- says:

eeeeeedddddddaaaaaaaa

farida says:

sheesh ive not talked to u for so long

armie- says:

been waiting n waiting n waiting

armie- says:

where've u beeennnnn!?!?!?!

farida says:

awwww

armie- says:

farida says:

workinnnnnnnn

farida says:

dnt ask

armie- says:

i was jus lookin for a sign that u were still alive!

farida says:

whuts uppppppppppppppp

farida says:

im alive

farida says:

jus existing

armie- says:

cuz rima n i havent seen u online for a bit!

farida says:

had 4 crappy longggy days

armie- says:

whats up with u?!?!?!?!

farida says:

nuthin jus assignments and visas and all

farida says:

had a fight with mi mum

farida says:

and mi dad

armie- says:

what?!?!1\

farida says:

and dad apologized for bein a xrappy dad for like 18 years

farida says:

nt bein good enuf

armie- says:

woah..

farida says:

and i was missin evryone nd feelin loenly

farida says:

and cried and cried and cried for 3 days straight

armie- says:

tsk tsk

armie- says:

shouldve talked to us!

farida says:

and thn ther was work and all tht stress on top of us

farida says:

it

farida says:

i knw armie i jus..locked miself away again

armie- says:

AGAIN...

farida says:

thought id handle it ..

armie- says:

but u know we were worrrriiiiiiieeeeedddddddddddddddddddddd

farida says:

u were?

farida says:

its onli been 4 or 5 days..

armie- says:

yah and thats long enough

farida says:

nd u knw the dact tht u WERE worried means so much right now

farida says:

i dunno today i was jus like screw evrryone

farida says:

screw patrick and ezra and wayna and i dunno

farida says:

i jus stopped givin a dman abt evryone

armie- says:

and...? so u pushed them all

farida says:

yeh..theyre alll gttin pushed...

farida says:

i dunno i hav too much work and all to worry about any of them

armie- says:

im sure ez was worrried

farida says:

haha....im sure he wasnt

farida says:

ive been skippin class and all..thts it

farida says:

met him today...

armie- says:

whatttttttttttttttttt???

farida says:

NOT all

armie- says:

u been skippinnnnnn?

farida says:

but yeh..cant wake up on time or been goin to embassies right

farida says:

and theyre onli open in the mornings

farida says:

gud news is i got mi swiss visa

farida says:

anyways..i dunno...ive realised its all coming to an end

armie- says:

wats comin to an end?

farida says:

patricks graduating and ezra and me wnt hav any classes

farida says:

smesters over i dunno

farida says:

me,,im ending...haha..im bein the strong locked up me again

farida says:

am i makin any sense right now..i dunno

armie- says:

i hate what ur doin right now...

armie- says:

ur shuttin them out jus cuz u dont believe that they will give effort to see u

farida says:

yeh

farida says:

because theres no point

farida says:

because i was hurting these past 4 days and i i had noone to call

farida says:

noone to talk to and ive neever felt so loneli in mi whole entire life

armie- says:

we were just here eeda...

armie- says:

but u just didnt wanna tell us either...

farida says:

thts whut i fought with mum and dad abt..dad told mum evrythin tht worries me and i wans tellin her cuz shed cry

farida says:

and she found out ad gav me a lecture and did cry

farida says:

i dunno..its mayb cuz ive been thinkin i complain too much

farida says:

i go on and on abt all this with u guys wen mayb u guys r goin thru worse

armie- says:

well dont we all?!!??!

armie- says:

no ur goin thru stuff toooooo

farida says:

and i need to shut up and stop bein selfish

armie- says:

we're all goin thru stuff

armie- says:

which is why we need each other!

farida says:

and heal mi own self and forget tht ez or patrick r neone else here are gonna do it for me

farida says:

i knw

farida says:

i dunnno armie

farida says:

sumthings gtten into me again..itll come off soon

armie- says:

do u want us to shut up too then?

farida says:

NO

armie- says:

ok

farida says:

no id hate that

armie- says:

if thats how u want it\

armie- says:

fine

farida says:

NOarmieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

farida says:

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

farida says:

dont do that

farida says:

ARMIEEEEEEEEEEEE

farida says:

ok ok

farida says:

im sorryyyyyyyyyy

farida says:

i wont

farida says:

dont u give out on me

farida says:

ARMIEEEEEEEEEEEEE

armie- says:

well ur doin it to us

farida says:

im sorrrryyyyyyy i jus ddont knw

farida says:

i got locked up again..im sorry

farida says:

jus thought id handle it all

farida says:

im so sorryyyyyyyyyyyyyy

farida says:

armie say sumthin or ima die right here

You have just sent a nudge.

farida says:

armieeeeeeeeeee

armie- says:

ok ok....just promise u wont do that...

armie- says:

because we do care eeda!

farida says:

i promise i wont....

armie- says:

duuhhhh...that's why were called FRIENDS!!

armie- says:

because we care

farida says:

hahahaaaaaaa

armie- says:

and we will understand

farida says:

i was hurt

farida says:

cuz mum and dad and mi aunt and uncle

farida says:

didn understand

farida says:

or anyone at uni

armie- says:

but we're ur frends...even if we dont understand...we'll try!

farida says:

so i pushed evryone off and u guys with it and thts my mistake

farida says:

i knw im sorryyyy........

farida says:

id forgotten whut it was like to knw sumone cares,,,for a moment

farida says:

stupid self esteem again

farida says:

haha..im sorry.....

armie- says:

....

farida says:

it WONT happen again

armie- says:

we all have problems eeda...big or small...we wanna hear it....

farida says:

id jus forgotten u guys did

farida says:

wnna knw abt me...

armie- says:

oh shuddup..

farida says:

haha

farida says:

im sorrrrrrry

armie- says:

thats not sumthng u forget unless u wanna

farida says:

its been a long crappy week

farida says:

its jus that whoel fight with mum and dad...

armie- says:

....

farida says:

i was in theis panicky place wher i realised i cudn let mi stress out on either of them cuz they worried too much

armie- says:

yah ok...

farida says:

or mi aunt cuz shed tell mi mum

farida says:

or mi uncle cuz hed patronize me

armie- says:

yah...

farida says:

he was givin me al ecture on not bein emotionalli strong enuf

armie- says:

but thats why u have us!! ur blog!!! to let it out when it gets too much...

farida says:

bein too dependant and i wanted to scream at him and HIT him

farida says:

and tell him i AM strong

farida says:

hes like theres prolli stronger gurls than u in the family

farida says:

and i felt do hurt

farida says:

i wanted to tell him those gurls didn see half of whit i did

farida says:

or go thru half the crap i did

farida says:

their mum didn try and commit suicide or they didn see all th other cra tht went on

farida says:

i jus felt awfull....kinda like id show him

farida says:

gr..newyas

farida says:

its all out now...ive said it all out

farida says:

i feel calm again

farida says:

tellin u evrythin

farida says:

and light.

armie- says:

yah u shouldn't bottle up that stuff...thats what u tell me...

farida says:

more human..

farida says:

thanks armie

farida says:

i need a few slaps in the face every so often

farida says:

im so sorry for jus goin away like that

armie- says:

i'll slap u if i was there! but u know im not...

farida says:

hahaa.......

farida says:

thanx so much

farida says:

sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much

armie- says:

shuddup

armie- says:

ur sayin the T word to me

haha..ok i cut off sum parts cuz itd b too long and it still is.I HOPE UR NOT MAD AT ME ARMIE FOR PUTTIN THIS HERE...i jus wana look back on mi blog wen im feelin crappy at uni and read this nd KNW sumone caress...dnt worry i onli saved this convo cuz it touched me.....and i missed u all..and i knw u guys will b like, there she goes again,,but honestly..i dunno whut happened..as i said , i snapped.....i jus went like -eff it all, ill do it - obv didn work....im sorry i did it ....talkin to armie made me realsie AGAIN jsu how great u guys are.....thank u sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for caring...talkin with her pulled me back frm mi,,er,,depression!??!..made me feel again....hahaa

i jus want u all to knw tht im here too ok..if sumthin goes rong..i wnna know cuz i wnna help..cuz we be friends righttttttttttttt..cuz if we arent ther for each other i dunno who else will b..who will i fall onnnnnnnnnnnnn if u guys didn care....such a painfulli sick feeling in me all the time, whut if i lose them too..whut if they stop caring.haha..me bein paranoid,,i dunno.......jus dnt wnna lose anyone anymoreeeeeee...................................

usualli wen i write mi blog i feell lighter and feel all the pains been washed out..today for some weird reason , its stil hurtin..theres still sumthin in ther thts not out..i neeed to think and write it in later.........haha..

whut else........hmm..mi net buds, logan,faisal and faisal haha,,hav been good,.the three of em care,tell me im good,..w/e...i knw its silly to trust them..but to see mi wall on fb or offline msgs on msn sayin we missed u, we care..meant alot..and im NOT sendin hidden msgs to u lot abt this ok...i KNOW u guys care ....tht feelings comin back..a lil...haha

so i guess tht is all for today..id discuss harry P but sum of u havnt read it so itd b unfair..it made me cry tho...YES THAT TOO..haha...ive been crying alot..at mi wits ends as theyd say...haha ( whose they?) hahaha

anywayssssssssssssss..its 5 37 am nowwwwww....................................cnt think of more things to write and this has been ONE LONG LONG BLOG..haha..but i feel happier and lighter and jus all =D =D =D..lolz...i WUV U GUYS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much...
mi hearts bursting off it right now..lolzzzzzzzzzzzzz..wher aARE u mi bandaids????come to papa.!!!..er....mama!!!.....err....oh eff it, jus come to mee will u? hahahaa
see im gttin mu humour back..thts goooooooooooood..

oh on the way back frm the swiss embassy,,this 70 ish yr old guy and me were taking.he told me hes greek and all,,we discussed libya..told me he was unmarried,,asked me if i was single..then 'popped the question' .hahahaha
him-wher u goin?
me-downtown
him-want to have coffee with me downtown?
me-er no im kinda busy.
him-lunch sometime..
me ( thinkin,.....u despo freakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk......)
me-its mi stop...

hahahhaa..i was like woahhhhhh...so i DO gt attention from guys,,and do get asked out in canada as sum predicted..except by horny desperate 70 yr olds...yay for me.......haha..and he resembled mr.ibrahim so much it was freakiiiiiii...
dnt worry im nt goin out with ibrahim anytime soon..haaha
ew man..like seriousli..70 yr old? 70 YEAR OLD? do i seriousli look THAT old too? hahahah

anywayssssssssssssssssss...mi heads abt to erupt now cuz of sleep but i HAD to do this blog cuz tomoros mi study-hard day..............so yh....lemme quickli put in mi 'very very optimisitc' horoscope from fb for tomorow; before i go...

Farida,
Resolving conflicting opinions and deciding between opposing views or different options is essential now. Even though you don't want to be put in the middle of it all, that's exactly where you will find yourself today. You will have people coming at you from all sides. Face them head on instead of crouching up in a ball and waiting for it to blow over.

Astro Forecast

Money

Love

and,,,,,,,,,,,

This is also a good time to bring to light elements from your infancy and adolescence that still could be active in your subconscious, in the wake of psychological experiences that still have not been assimilated well. If you have some antipathy, resentment or grudge toward some member of your family, now is the time to reflect on it and, thereafter, improve your relationship with that person. second one sound familiar? ring a bell.? haha..so damn trueeeeeeeeeee...lolz......... ok mes G ,,,i doth go but thou doth remmeber...i love u all..i miss u all..and im thankful for u all tooooo..alotttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.................. ps.we be survivors..last quote tht dad sent me below...PROMISE this is the last... "Smooth roads never make good drivers. Smooth sea never makes good sailors. Clear skies never make good pilots. Problem free life never makes a strong person. Be strong enough to accept challenges of life. Don't ask life "Why me?" Instead say "Try me!" all for today mi luvs...muah muah muahhh hug hug hugggggggggg.......sqush squah squah,,pulp pulp pulp.. HA HA HA.... xxoo..

Attack of Adulthood.

life was like a lollipop...big and pink and sweet.....notice WAS........things have started to fall into perspective, prioritise, and gotten complicated..very complicated. like a complex rocket waiting for shoot-off........
u knw theres days when things get TOO MUCH..sumtimes u jus cant define the too-much-edness..bt u jus knw tht u knw this is too much stress and i jus wanna back off now people............ anyways..lemme start frm the beginning...
me and ez went bowlin thursday..i made a complete idiot of miself, cuz id completly forgotten bowlin and ezra was comparitiveli way better..i thought itd b awkward bt it realli wasn, we talked like usual, paid 11 dollars each, get bowling shoes and jusl..bowled.....mi first 3 games were utter disasters cuz the ball wud keep on goin into the gulli and ezra was obv doin better, i mean he atleast managed to get SUMTHIN down..and hed return with this smug look on his face...haha..bt yh it was aite..i still got 2 strikes and he got onli 1 and tht REALLI annoyed him cuz all he dreamt of was gettin a strike..on the way back i told him wait i need to get gum, hes like ill pay..so we got 2 gums and turns out theyre jawbreakers ( big ultra hard balls tht u keep suckin and they change colours bt u cant chew them..or unless if u REALLI wnna try ,u can live the rest of ur life carrying a glass full of ur dentures around.so all the way back we stayed quiet, onli to laugh awkwardly at each other and ask 'whut colour is mi jawbreaker now'..hahha.......i thanked him for taking me out even tho i sucked..hes like i thought u said u liked it and i wanted to do sumthin ud hav fun with..i said i DID hav fun, i jus sucked at it..doesn mean u cant love sumthin even if u suck at it..... ( rememebr me and volley ball people????) haha..neways..so yeh the weekend was aite..

i watched the Notebook and had a crying fit..cleared it off and felt better..thn one day i talked back home..and the whole same thing again..problems,,mum and dad not gttin along well, nizam started smokin and get caught and was screamed at and nearly hit by mi dad and obv nizam got all his anger out by further withdrrawin into himself and hittin khadija...and papas been mentalli and physicalli sick and screamin at evryone and gttin jittery and mamas ALWAYS short tempered cuz her nerves hav weakeneed and shes been assigned anti depressantts that shes refusin to take .......and theyre worried nizams acting the way he is cuz he migth hav sum attention deficit disorder and he might b medicated for it too.......and obv ammi was desperate to let it all out cuz shes under so much stress and ontop of all of it shes leavin for Paki soon to be with nani ( grandma) cuz mi grandmas been sick..and jus IMAGINE the hell itll b at home with jus nizam and dj and dad......dad obv snatched the phone frm mama to tell me its all okay and all this happens and i needn worry bout anything at all and theyre all jus very GOOD..thts called escapin reality..............i dunno..i want to knw how theyre doin bt at the same time i dont....jus llistenin to em fallin apart, mayb im exagerratin i dunno,, made me tear up inside.....by the time i got round to speakin to khadeeja i cud bareli speak cuz i was chokin back tears and they jus wudn stop..anyhow, afterwards i jus locked miself in and cried and cried cuz i felt SO guilty and selfish for runnin away from all that and comin here..and levain em to deal with it and apparently theyre makin a mess and i feel if i was ther id fix it..
i jus..its too much u knw..sitttin here and feelin so helpless and missin them and thinkin 'is mi life realli worth it? am i doin the right thing?' i dunno......i think ima cry again..ok new topic

so anyways khala was ther and she saw..told me to go with her to the park and obv once ther i did whut i do best...swing...hahaa...i jus went higher and higher and closed mi eyes and felt the world rushin away and it felt good.....and then it rained a lil and i got wet and tht felt good..and i saw all those lil kids runnin thru the water park close by, hittin each other with water guns and shiverin in the chilly water and slippin and slidin and bein tightly held by their parents,,,and i missed that but it made me smile.......it made me think of u guys and how lucki i was tht even if i dnd hav mi parents ot let this all out with. i hav u....i jus felt easier...uncle picked up too that sumthin was rong with me..and dont worry hes nt been fflirtin or nethin..i havent given him the chance......he asked me why i cried cuz mi aunt told him i did and i said i jus miss home, and he said dont worry i used to miss home too when i was 17 and alone ( he studied alone for the longest time in the west indies and in nigeria)..he IS good like tht and tht hes comfortin and teases me abt mi grades and tells me not to worry too much abt them..bt yh..thts all there is now..ie taken a coupla steps back now...

whut else..oh yeh i got a random message from patrick and im sure have told all of u by now bt jus in case lemme get mi anger out one last time..he taged me in this game wher u goota write 7 true things abt u, ,,.so i did..and whut else....his gf broke up with him cuz she wanted to b with another guy shed been seein for a month..there..they were both cheating on each other, him with me and her with sumone else..except he told her he took me out , and shed been cheating before him but she never told him..and tht hurt him cuz he says they promised theyd b honest to each other.......anyways, he was hurt, he needed comfort..i gave him the best i cud...and obv it hurt me too seein him like tht....whutever crap may have happened but i still do care about him very much..........i saw him in class today..he sat at the end of mi aisle and looked so depressed......ive never seen like ththt before ever....he told me once it takes a lot to gt him down and this break up thng mus hve been big...anyways..in the 7 minute break in the middle i went and talked to him..and he cud barely speak cuz it seemed hed been cryin, u knw u can tell by the voice...anyways,,,,,i went back to mi seat after a while cuz ididn wnna giv him the msg tht i wanted to b all close again......i do, bt i jus wnna b protective of miself now and nt scare him away..aftr class we walked out together and he told me he had to go to tutorial right away..so we walked out and i thought he was goin to class bt we ened up roamin round the building.he showed me ths chinese pond id never noticed before and it was gorgeous..and he said theres a better place he knew..so he took me over this building to this place.high up in the buildings ive never been before.......and i reached ther and it was jus nuthing..and u said whuts so special? jus sum mountains..and he showed me this place thru wher u can see .................the the the.... SEA....tht was a shock cuz the sea meant to b miles away frm the uni.......it was cradled in the mountains, nopes nt like a lake...... and u cud see the sun glinting off it and a tiny island in the middle and it was SO beautiful..hahah.........he told me he came up here to talk with his counsellor ..and tht i shud come ther if sumthin hurt me too........anyways we jus talked..he told me abt his gf..then he loosened up and we joked around..and i felt all attracted and kept tellin miself BRAKE BRAKE BRAKE...musn get too into this..hes not lookin for a relationship....anyways..we went to the sfu pond and he fed sum fish ther and they started jumppin to the surface and had their tiny pink mouths open and it was cute and disgusting bt it made him happy and it made me happy and it made me annoyed cuz i cared if hes happy or not and thts not how it shud be..oh well..i felt soooooooooo happy afterwards.....i dunnno..bein with him is like tht..its sumthin i knw i cn never hav............uffffffffffffffffffff,,and it hurts when he talks abt kissin his gf or missin her or luvin her and i knw i shudn feel all jealous nd jus shudn feel like tht..argh...anyways,, heres the link to his blog so u cn check it out for ureself..
http://360.yahoo.com/profile-e63kB041frW4EIG7IdSm4HBYjH4QSXM-?cq=1
Or nhan's blog

anywayssssss..aside frm this is all the other stress..decidein whut subjects to take..ezras been beggin me to take sum kiniseology course with him thts about health and athletics and all..hes sayin we get to hav fun and spend time and play games and all..argh.....im so not into it..DONT WORRY i wont choose jus for a guy...im prolli takin macro econ, intro to poetry and calculus.......more thn likeli..............................whut else..need to go downtown and get visa for france and switzerland we;re visitin in august..need to go and get health insurance..need to book mi flight frm british airways and find a way to pay for it other thn debit card cuz debit has a daily limit..need to print out application forms and get that done andddd talk to dads house owner for rent workout and whut else..UFF...growin up is so EFFIN HARD....I hate this honestly..tooooooooooooooooooo much stress to handle...................

anyways..i jus talked to armie..ad it calmed me down..so i feel way mre cheerful thn wn i jus started..so yh i cn breathe now..and once more guys THNX for caring...because it sounds cheesy and whut not, bt it means so so so much to me..tht im hurtin bt ppl care..........lolz

all mi crap for now
much much love..
me

problems with over worked imaginations..

GUYS I NEED UR HELPPPPPP.....

Khalus been acting weird with me..mama told me to stay away from the male members in our family but i didn’t listen to her.ithought how is it possible that my uncles take an interest in me? But somethings definitely wrong here with THIS uncle.. Either hes trying to loosen me up and hence stop me from bein too Islamic like abu wants me to, cuz hes been advocating to khala to let me go out at night and so on or hes gettin attracted..i knw this is not a 19 yr old kid im talkin abt but mi uncle whse 40 and has 2 kids but HEAR ME OUT...i dunno..today i went to him to ask for help with mi philosophy essay..first, he sat down right next to me..too next to me..i was squashed in a corner..he doesn even sit on the same sofa as me when khalas around. Second, we shared a box of flavoured yoghurt, he fed me sby spoon and then ate it too with the same spoon...... but then hed tease wth the spoon and id have to chase, and at one point he said,i wnt give till u gt ur tongue out,,,,,.kher, it some of it dropped on the are below mi neck, right above the gala opening for mi kurta ( the neckline for mi shirt..). And he scooped with a spoon,,this happened twice...........thn he held my hand, and kept his feet on mine, and rubbed mi arm, and and stroked mi hand, put one arm around mi shoulder, and so on..kept telling me to calm down and ease off and not worry about the assignment...now tell me this is regular behaviour for an uncle? Mi aunts really strict and all and we have these ethics in our family where you don’t talk to male members of your family inless necessary and then too you remain distant and have absolutely NO physical contact.....mi uncles studied outside all his life...and from whut hes told me i could guess hes been a wild boy too, from his university times...but i guess it IS hypocritical, he would never do this in front of khala........i dunno, am i over imagining things? Im not over imagining thngs..i jus described them as neutrally as i could.............bt thats exactly whut happened...tell me whut u guys thnk, please.....im really worried about this,,...ths happened a week ago when he just sat next to me and he shook mi hand when we worked out how to operate mi laptop..bt today was jus,,i dunno...i worried,,,,,,,guys please please help me out........

other thn tht,,im doin fine..........jus been tired latelty, got an eye infection ,got a B in philosophy, goin bowlin with ezra tomoro and got a huge assignment to do right now..........more on me later, bt do tell em whut u guys think of whut i said above..and how i shud stop it or shudve stopped it without being too rude.....

long due........

this ones dedicated all to sandy, who emailed me and msgd me and asked over and over again, wen u gonna write ur blog?????? gud to knw tht ppl ccare...hahaha...sandy i loveeeeeeeeeeee u,,as i do with rima and armie and so on....hahhaa
i told rima and armie already whut had happened abt patrick, but was too angry and hurt to put down our emails on blog yet....well all the hurt is gone, so now i cn post em, sandy ths ones especialli for u cuz u didn knw whtu realli went on, bt stood by me anyway,,,,
after i had read patricks email , i was too furious too reply,,on monday when he ignored me, i was hurt and upset,,so i came home..argued with miself, and said, for the first time in mi life,,im gna stand up for miself and tell him, u knw, u cant jus use me and walk away.....soooo i emailed him, ths is whut i wrote...
hey nhan,
advice,,,,,,,,theres too much hurt in ths email, u shud prolli delete it......i jus had to let u knw how i felt even if u never read it.......... i wish u wudn have completli written me off like that.....if u wanted to end this, u shudve jus said so.,,we cud still b friends... i went to metrotown alone today to buy mi shoes..i missed u so much on the way ther and back,,,,,,,,and in tutorial today too,,in class.....at lunch wen i made a mess eating mi donair .....again..... u didnt even have time today to ask me how mi weekend was? did u wnna get away frm me tht bad? after all those times i used to stay up at night listenin abt ur problems..bt ill tell u neway, i had a crappy weekend okay, because of ur email........ i cried, ur the onli guy ive ever ever cried for, bcuz i dnt see whut i did rong here...... i told u i dnt trust ppl easily, and dnt wnna get used, and guys just wanna use gurls.and u said no.....and the way i see it, thts whut u did too...i trusted tht even if u wanted to move away frm me, ud b nice abt it and say ur sorry and atleast bother to explain face to face...10 minutes is all it takes.........2 lines in an email is all i get aftr all thse times we went out...... i wish u didn start ths thng at all....u made me like u, and now ur making me hate u. and i missed u so much even tho i knw ull never choose me ovr ur gf... i knw nuthing gud is gna come out of ths email.except for me prolli feelin jus a lil better........so i dunno why im bothering to complain at all,i promised miself i wudnt..u told me u didn like gurls who complained just because u didn hav time for them, and i promised u id never b like that and that id understand....... but i DNT understand this...will u Always hav work? whut abt the times wen ur free? did u mean to say gudbye for good? is it complelti 100% over? r u a stranger to me again? mi horoscope told me not to let sumone walk all over me.........to stand up for miself if i was realli realli hurt. and yh to be nice to jerks too.........so thts wut im doin fr the v first time in mi life.......i wish i din hav to tell u all this, because i knw ur goin thru a tough time, i dont wnna mess u up but nhan, u realli hurt me...............i cnt beleive im abt to cry again..........ufff, neways, i cnt explain why i wrote ths..its mean and hurt ful bt i had to tell u ......... no, im NOT okay with us jus finishing it off like ths........ i can jus telll ur gonna say now, 'imagine we say this face to face'..haha.......and tht u hav to b ther for ur gf cuz she doesn hav anyone else...........i wish i cud tell tell u .....i dnt have anyone else here either...i onli ever had u and thts gone too..... but still, thank u for everythin nhan,,even if u continue ur silence and ignore me, u gave me sum realli realli gud memories and atleast for the first 3 weeks u did care so thank u for tht......im sorry for everythhing too tho, if i hurt u here cuz im sure i did.......but more thn anythng, whut i liked abt u was tht u were honest..i wnted to b honest too..u do still mean alot of me ,whether u laugh ths off or not....... enough crap for one day......i can promise u ths is mi last email,,,last time i was too angry and too hurt to realli say much..............jus take care of ureself okay,,,,and as always,dnt worry too much abt me..ill take sum time bt hopefulli, will b fine........stay happy, and do tell me wen u take over the world one day, okay? or u rank 1st in ur acm thng............ lots and lots of love, farida

to which he replied,

Dear Fareeda,

Last weekend, I went to buy a Buddha shirt and planed to show it off to you today. Unfortunately, it was cold and you looked down and away. So, I figured you would not like to see ever again. Hence, I moved to another tutorial to avoid that you have to see me. // I am not so smart after all.

It might be good for you to know that I am not very good at keeping a distance from the one I like. Therefore, you might want to hate me a bit more before we get back to be friends or classmates.

Good for you, buying all the stuff. And, don't mess up when I am not there, okay? // Donair lecture!

This is clearly not your fault and it is my fault. I do not know why I would say that we were going out. For that, I Am sorry!!!

If you see any other option for me, please, do tell. Because I do not see one.

I have spent quite a bit of time to think carefully about this before I wrote you my last email. First, it might hurt you more if we do not break it off now because of your religion. You know I am not planning to convert to Muslim, Buddhism is fine. Second, I would not like to see you rebel or lie to your parents. Third, bad things does happen to Pakistan girls who does not follow THE RULES.

Yes, I alway have to work and I am also awake of this "Time Demand" conflict. You know if you want to work out something, such as, relationship problems, a lot of time, passion and dedication are required. In my life optimization, I do not have these resource available at the moment.

I solve problem in my free time, remember?

It is good that you are brave enough to say it. I was not. I hope you feel better now.

Ha ha, I might cry if we said this "face to face" !!!

A good friend once told me that people are like segments. We meet in some intervals then move our own ways. Believe it or not, he is a teller at a bank and nowhere close to be a nerd of any definition. Most importantly, we should forgive all mistakes and treasure the memories.

I remember that you alway there to say it is okay. That was very nice of you. For now, I have to be there for my girlfriend and each time I say "it is okay", I think of you.

Thank you for your wishes.

Once again, I think it through while I write this email.

Conclusion: Yes, we did get too close. Hence, I will maintain a distance from you.

Kind regards,
patrick

FIRST .............SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTT I jus wrote a whole post and the whole thng vanisheddddddd.............arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
gtta do it all againnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

so anyways, uff i read ths email and obv cried and felt like crap,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,didn see him on wednesday so thts okay....on thursday i ddin hav class but i went to uni ianyways cuz ezra asked me if we could study togther and i said aite..so we met up and ended up laughin more thn studyin ,,,haha......he was so red too poor thng cuz he didn sleep wel and he cud keep his eeys open...ezra goes red when hes either tired or blushin..accordin to armie i shud enter him int the tomato look alike contest ..NO ii DONT like him, and NO it wasn a study date..jeeez, if i went to study with einstien again if he became alive, wud u call tht a study date?u wud? right..u two are perverted and immaturre..hahahahha....hahaha...so aywaays, we went to lunch and on the way we met sum on mi hijabi frnds who thnk u cannot b caught walkin with a guy...so it was lil awkward..afterwards ezzraasked me whud im gnna tell them for bein with a guy, i said ill tellem i was doin the work of God by converting u..haha.. iwas teasing of course...he said ' i hav a better idea' thn he starts walkin lyk an old deformed guy with hs umbrella stick,,and says' u can tell em ur hanging out with handicapped ppl to make em feel normal...hahaha''''' so lo and behold, who walks towards us but thse hijabans again and i had sucha hard time convincing him to act normal and walk straight..haha..no sandy and armie i still DONT like him ..okay?tho i thnk armie does,,hahahha....thn he started tellin me abt this one time when he was out in publicwith sum of his very self conscious frnds ..he started teasing this guy ,sayin tht he was gay with him..and the gu yand a acupla gurls were like 'stop stop' one of em was his crush too,whse a GURL dnt worry..so anyways , wht he does is, ( he demonstrated on me ) grabs the guys hand, interlocks the fingers, raises it in the air like two peopel doin a V for Victory sign and then screams, WE'RE GAY! obv at this point he was holdin mi hand in the air and we were in public but THANK god he didn scream we're gay ths time,,but i jus burst out laughin..it was SO embaraasin and sooooooooooo funni too.hahahaha

so neways thn that weekend i went camping with mi aunts family..we went to this place 3 hours away called Manning Park near a city called Hope.,,yes Hope.no, there was no Faith and Happiness arround tho tthd b weird.............it was ok,,we went to a a beautiful lake in the middle of a valley ad su waterfalls hudden in the middle of a mountain..it was gorgeous.i saw gophers too for the first time in mi life...kinda like a cross btween a squirrel and a hamster...reminded me of sandy, cuz they were hyper and small,,,and armie,,cuz they looked wise and didn make a lot of sound.and rima, cuz they had ths naughty lil i-know-sumthin-u-dont-know-look in their eyes...hahahah..i MISS UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU all...i mean HELLO gophers remind me of u..theyre practicalli rats..i look for u guys in rats,,B proud,,,B vvv proud....of havin SUCHA a thoughtful frnd.....................hahhahha

on monday i saw patrick in class,,,he was sitttin high up in the middle of a bunch of guys so it was hard to spot him..it was miles away frm wher we sat.yeh it hurt...it hurt in the camping trip too alot.and oh yh during campin i had no net for 4 days!!!!!! can u IMAGINE...poor deprived lil me..im SO sueing Hope,,,for hope-less-ing Me...hahah...whut the hell did i jus say? hahahahah
but neways, tueesday was mi ultra long english exam....which went okay..i think....
on wednesday , i had had enuf of patrick..haha......i discussed with a lot of ppl who said u guys dnt need to b complete strangers jus cuz of whut happened...u cn still b frnds and so on...so i wanted to talk to him...wise choice or not, i dunt knw.......so i txtxed him in class to meet me for lunch..he called and since mi phone wasnt on silent, it rang like in the middle of the prof goin on abt sumthin imp.haha..the class laughed..i wanted to die..haha...i closed the call...thn once class was over i called back..he sounded realli realli down..said hed nt been coming to uni cuz hes been feelin down and had a crappy weekend..i said why, but i knew the reason..i said 'problems with ur gf'' he said yh....iand he said ' he cudn hav lunch with me, cuz we were distractin each other''i said lsn i dnt want whutever back with u bt this is crazy, us acting like strangers,,and i wont distract u...''but i was out of credit..so i had to close the fone soon after,,,and i guess it IS right this way...i can say that now..finalli...................i felt a lil hurt bt more worried tho..cuz yes at tht point i still cared tht he was goin thru a rough timel..it doesn realli matter now.......
afterwards,i waited for philosophy tutorial in ths open lounge close to class which is all carpeted so u can sleep ir jsu eat or hang round ther...ths guy frm tutorial passed,,hes SO HOOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT and hes frm the filipines too,,yay armieeeee,haha,,i get so tongue tied whenever he talks to me..arghhhhh..NOT deliberately..hes jus so smart alec with whut he says im jsu like er....hahah..it was okay ths time..he sat next to me and we talked abt the xam..he said i wudn b satisfied until i got like a 98....hes like u always ask questions in phil so it looks like u knw whut ur talkin abt,,i told him i ask questions because i DONT knw whut the hell we're talkin abt..the other person who asks is ezra,,bt hes SUCHA nerd i swear.he loos cute and lost and thn gets like 90s ad all and goes all modest abt it...haha..its so irritatinnnnnnnnnn.......
then whut..oh i complained abt eco..haha..cuz he asked me i looked beat..
first abt eco.i got 53 on mi midtemr xam..yes, me..hahah...i was SO upset,,turned out sum part of the paper is marked by a machine and it read mi marks rong so it didn read all mi answers..i need to talk to prof abt it and IF he agrees, ill get a 70...IF...i hope he does..the onli other way the mark can b cancelled is if i get a 90 in mi eco final paper/...yh, in mi Dreamssss,,,,,,,,,,,,,bti was SO SO SO pissed at miself and evryone was like this is uni,u hav 600 ppl in ur clas bt stil 50 effin 3?????.arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
so anyways,,,,,,,,,,,,,hot fili guy and me talked abt Gribov too, shes our teacher..she Lways goes round in circles rather than talkin straight,,,shes fmr Israel and has the cutesttttttttttttttt egyptian accent.but we all call her Greebo,,i do atleast..haha...............anyways thn ezra came and sat with us and bianca..we wwent to class....and obv, me and ezra, but mostly ezra bombarded Greebo with questions..and ofcourse she went into ths thng which had nuthin to do with whut we were supposed to b talkin abt,,,hot-fili-guy-with-no-name loked at me and smiled..cuz greebo was in her own lil world again, and ezra was jus egging her on..i was gnna burst out laughin but greebo wudve prolli kicked me out...
anywaysssss,,,,ont thursday we had the phil thng..its not a big deal cuz its like onli 10%of our total mark....

thnnnnn whut..........hmmmoh i discovered Chizzat too,,on face book,,its an application which loads a chat room and u can talk to people.and for the first time, ive got like 12 guys tellin me im gf material and their Ideall....i sound liek RT..okay wait lemme explainnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn..all mi life ive been bulllied for bein ugly and never gotten attention for beauty..i tell miself it does namtter bt heck, honestly, lookin gud to others matters to everyone..so wenthese guys tell me ur cute or whutever , i wave it off cuz i knw theyre lying,,,,bt still,,,if enuf ppl say it u knw tht u knw, i dont look THAT bad after all...still bad yes, but not THAT bad............everyone likes to b flattered, admit it ..hahah..im so despoooooooooooooooo......anyways,,outta all the guys i met, theres 3 worth mentioning

first up is norman.............one day in the chat rom we were talkin abt our wildest secrets..so its normans turn..and this is whut he says
' one night i got realli drunk..and woke up next morning...with mi pants down....next to a cow..and i wondered, WHY a cow? thn i thought,,heck, im gtting 4 titties? on one thng? thts a good package deall that is.''''
THAT was gross..but hilarioussssssssssssssssssssssssssss,,it reminded me of sandy and me hidin in the closet when rt made all the head board banging noise with MO..rmemebr sandy????? in physicssssss..god we were so perverted....hahahah
second guy is paull......alotta guys tell me ur pretty bt theyre normal abt it..this one is the ur-the-ONE-for-ME diehard romantic poet.........so obv whut he did was write me a poem.........here it goes....

look at ur face makes my eyes
fix on the beauty u possess
it is like a charm so strong can't let lose
pretty u r so perfectly made
out of the finest gold,
u make the world stand still
with ur charmin beauty
u desired to be call queen princess
and the goddess of attraction
but all she could say is,
"am not that pretty"
but saying that only adds
more to the attraction
stay pretty girl

and i read it..and i wwas like..wthhhhhhhhhh..haha..it made me laugh.....cuz it sounded so...Not me u knw..so goeey and mushy..so anywas i was in uni wen iread this and next to ezra i thnk..he read it ..and he burts out laughin, then he redid the whole thng romeo style for me,,,,,with alot of exaggerrated eyelash batting and clutching his heart............it was soooooooooooooooooooooooo funni.....thn ezras like u HAVE to convince him to send u more................u jus made mi day with ths poem fareeda, u have to make hi msend u more..it is playing with the guys feelings yeh bt paul knw im nt serious..anyways..next night, pauls online, ezras online..ezra and me hav a deal,,if he adds chizzat i add ths stupid pets application hes into...so he adds chizzat and me and paul and ez talk together..and ezras eggin him on.btw paul knew ez is mi frnd...it went sumthin like ths

ez-ive been hearing thngs abt u and fareeda
paul-realli? like what?
me-shut the eff up ez
ez-heard u guys are tight and all..
paul-realli? :D
me-sheeeeeeeesh

i was liek shahaha...thn ezra convinces paul to 'write her a poem or ill write her one' and they hav a competition to do it..obv paul wanted to impress , so next thng u knw, next day i have 2 POEMS in mi inbox...................i emailed ez immediately tht his plan worked bt anyways, heres the next two installments on mi' queen-ness' hhahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

she comes with two different faces.
the appearances of the two speaks,
of a goddess split in to two.
A princess with mutiple attractions
each picture defines a distinct beauty
an ability to captivate every eye
the sun welcome it and the moon worships it,
i was lucky to see three parts
out of a thousands beauty
i sit close and stare at her
seeking words to write,
not seems perfect to come up
oh! she his so splendid
like the morning star

Paul Ipadeola

10:30pm July 7th

how perfect was ur face,
moulded out of gold,
it design makes me wonder ,
deep in my blood hw creative God is,
she believes not in her beauty,
but her face is electifing,
her eyes sparkles like lighting,
her nose is so fixed perfectly
her lips spells sexy,the sweet
taste of candy mixed with honey.
her dark sexy hair crowns it all
it makes and complete
a perfect structure,of an angel created
a perfect embodiment of beauty

im like ewwwwwwwwwww...candy? honey? am i like a recipe for a cake or sumthin?whut the heeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll......
hahahah........its funni.i shudn laugh tho, and u guys shudn either..stop laughin!!!!!!!!!!
bt its funni and its AW and its jus :D....i dunno...ezra hasn read these yt...itd b fun to see his expression tho hes gnna tease me till i die..hahhaha

and thn theres guy3........his name is faisal,hes frm the same city as me and is livin ther...hes so effin HOT too and hes great fun to talk with..anyways we were chattin and sumthin came up( not his sumthin u IDIOTS....sum topic) and i said id onli let mi husband do it..hes like but i want to.......thn hes like, fareeda, will u marry me,,im like yes ,,haha..we siad our i dos and now we're cyber husband and wife...thn we did all the paki wedidn traditions on the net liek lifting of the brides veil,
hes like-lifts veil
me-smiles and goes back-
hes like-lemme see whuts in ther
me-a big bad dinosaur,kicks u
hes like-indian song.......which basicalli talks abt a gurl smilin shyly in avery typical indian gigglle way
hahaha

bt yh hes fun ,adn accordin to him , we're both madly attracted to eac hother,cuz we're married ofcourse..hahaha
bt yh

do u guys thnk i ve gotten all slutty? im gttin the feelin i am...ive strted talkin too much abt guys bt fact is, the onli gurl frnd i hav here is bianca who i havent talked to in ages and mi aunt,,......mayb i need to stoppppppppppppppppppppppppppp........talkin abt guys i mean....go back to mi previous lesbo tendencies...come here u three, lemme KISSSSSS u......hahhahaah............bt nah im still fareeda,,,im guessin im not as uptight with mi studies as i was before but well im still cheesy and corny and insecure and childish and straight with a leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetle rainbow feelings but i WUV U ALL VERY MUCH........which makes me a playah too...gurl one..................hahhahaha

whut else...growin up is HARDDDDDDDDDDDD,,,,i dads asked me to lok aftr his property here..and its sucha pain..cuz ourr ttenant whse ths young guy, YES ANOTHER GUY..didn pay his electricity bills so his powers been cut thn he called me and complained and i had to call city govt, and the house manager and the estate consultant thn confrm with the tenant ,arrange the bank thng.so on....ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH its too much resposibility fir a teeny tiny lil kid like me..i mean heck,i still wear diapers,,.................y, DONT U.........haha..stop laughin u three u do it toooooooooooo..........bwahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
use ur head here AUNTIES...hahhaha
anyways its liek 1 am here and theres still so much i havent told u guys bt atleast its a start and i REALLI REALLI REALLI need to sleep now...................cuz i hav class at 6 am bt yh..thts all ma crap for todayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy...........i promise ill try and b mre regular now aite....................and trust me the first blog i wrote was bttr bt thn ths thng happened and the whole thng erased and i REWROTE the whole thng which shows how much i love u (in a very lesbo way) bt obv i forgot all ma witty lil lines along the way..haha
bt i trieddddddddddddddddddd
DEAL WITH IT
grrrrrrrrrrrrr
yes !!!!!!!11 ATTITUDE!!!!!!!!!!! i hav a lil of tht too..OHKAY...........
meek smile..NOT...hahaa

bt fact remains...i still luv u dumbossssssssssssssssssssss..haha
tcccccccccc
eedaaaa