And then we say we're human....

there's things in life that dont make sense to me. like, sum quipment for torture i saw at the london dungeons. Hot iron tongs to yank tongues out, Steel collars with sharp points to b tightened round the neck, so on. Horrifying things. ANd i wonder, we call ourselves the Supreme race in all God's creations, allegedly the most intelligent of his creations too. But what a thin line runs between us, and animals. What a very thin line.

following article is about a case of lynching i came across. have a read, but be warned that it will really distress you.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jesse_Washington

and may his soul rest in peace,..
eeda.

Ecstatic

i've not felt happier in a very long time....
those who are worth knowin know why. looool
YAY for bein' happy.!!!!!
luv u alllll..
eeda.

Observations..

this blog is probably the most unsuitably named, cuz it has nothing to do with observations..lol
its about,,,hm..little lines from poems and whut not, that mean sumthing to me, tht remind me of a certain time in the past or for sum other deep pathetic reason like that. on with the show..



For years, I measured out my life with your coffespoons.
( from poem in memorium of T.S Elliot, Adrian henri)

There will be time,there will be time.
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet.
(from The love song of J.Alfred Prufrock, by T.S Elliot.)

And all the megapixels in this world
they couldn''t capture what you mean to me girl...
if a picture's worth a thousand words
a million pictures couldn't speak for her.
(from If only, by Gabe Bondoc.)

you are the distance
between the accident and the telephone box
measured in heart beats
(from What you are, by Roger McGough)

If you think missing me is hard, you should try missing you.
( from Bumper Stickers, facebook application)

The sight of you leaves me weak
There are no words left to speak
You're too good to be true
Can't take my eyes off you.
(from Cant take my Eyes by Lauren hill)

so that's about all i can think of now...jus tiny phrases ive got stuck in my head, snippets of songs and all..things to add-> songs by liefhouse, gentlemen don't, by gabe bondoc, and sum other quotes tht ill hopefulli write down here sumtime...i knw ths posts been a lil too cheesy but like they say, ive got a gud excuse...blame it on the Valentine...hahaha..or lack thereof, but oh well..

all for now, gtta go make dinner after,,,dunno,,a long longgggg time..
love all,
eeda.

'nd miles to go before i sleep'

hey hello holla howdy other H-words of greeting,

im finally back from Libya, not that i was in any hurry to get away particularly. oh sorry, is that barticularly? ( libyan side-effects- i.e, missing blue skies, dinners that last till 4 am, not saying Ghaddafi in case the Secret Service erases you from the face of the blanet, and lastlyyyy, not being able to say P, cuz arabic doesn't hav that letter) in anyy case, i had barely stebbed down from the blane and WHAM! truck loads of work, seriously! not to say i was quite surbrised by the fact that beoble actualli missed me round here. yeth, dear ol'd boring lil me..i feel sbecial now, cower down u fools!! haha, onli kiddddin..but i was really touched by all the miss u letters cloggin ub mi faceook that took 5 days to clear out and rebly to..thanx for that...even tho noone that wrote knows about this blace but heck i said my thank-you's and baid my dues, alright!!!

hmmm..so im stuck at uni now, jus came out of a kines lecture on contemborary health issues, all fancy shmancy name for sumthin as juvenile as abc..well R-rated abc at any rate- its about diseases,,,malaria, STD's, flu, herbes,cancer,AIDS all that jazz. so class ended at like 9 30 and mi next class is at friggin 3 30 which means i hav about 5 ish hours of doing absolutely nothing..YAY me.. yawn yawn me more like..friggin jet lag...the first few days i was here i cudnt sleeb, now i cant get too much of it..been dozing off literalli Everywher!! thts another libyan side-effect i guess..hmmm..mimble wimble...im tired and not makin much sense and ramblin bretty much..so i doth leaveee before editing out this whole thing to make sure i didnt mistakenly write a P anywher...haha
and a gud day to u all too...:)
luvvvv ( sobby kind! ( thats soppy btw,,!!) its cuz Valentine's is comin' ub!! hooray for idiotic days celebrating lurrrrrveeeeeee...ew ew ew!!!)
eeda
xoxoxoxox.

*lost*

not the t.v show no.
i know im totalli lost when,
1. i type show as shoe and hav to re-edit blog to fix it.
2. read lacoste tshirt as lactose shirt
and think woah, solidified milk tshirts? yay.

yeh.i know. thats how much of a loser i am.
a loser with an english exam the next day that talks about intentional fallacy and new historical criticism and post-colonial studies. sound like chinese? to me too.

God bless brain-deprived souls everywhere.Amen.

Cotton

yeh..cotton..the thing they drilled into our heads in geo class in grade 6 in pakistan. lol..yeh, thats THE reason why i dont make much sense at any given time., its all the cotton in there. Don't hate.
so anyways, reason 1 y i mention cotton is cuz i had cotton candy with ths guy from my math lab..they were giving it out as part of the stress-relief week before exams at uni ( aren't they considerate?? u think? the exams are a right, B word) and we ate it like kids,-aka makin it sticky, smearin it everywher, and plottin how to stick it to the top of the bald bus driver's head w/o him noticing.
yup, 007 agents at work. life is chill man, its chill.
haha..okay cotton mention part 2, it snowed in the city today and yesterday. it was like cotton balls following down from the sky,,nice anf fluffy and white.. awesome. literalli..awesomness was manifesting itself in the form of cotton look alike frozen crystals. awseome.
my vocab has apparently ceased to function cuz its 1 am.i SAID dont hate..jeez.
so whuts up? nuthin nuthin..class in 8 hours,exams in 3 days, holidays in 9 days,. yay..
and hmm...my grandad told me today he missed me. the 5 months i spent with him earlier on this year were alot of fun and the house was quiet w/o me. and that that time had meant alot to him.
that made mi day.
funny thing is at times we didnt get on well at all cuz of all the visa apllication stress bt yeh, it was jus the thought tht ws nice.
im sleepy and i realli dont feel like writing much here, haha...so ill head off now i guess..
ciao for now,
eeda.

Let it snow, let it snow.+ Undead again.

tho muth hath happeneth, i thunno wher tho begin,
firth of all, i deletheth me blog by misthake, ith wath awful.
okay i cant do the lisp thing much longer it took mme 3 minutes t otype that thing..
so anywayssss,,
HIE..lol first all,,,,...
second alots been up lately, i delted mi blog by mistake AND had an agonising mourning session bt it for the next 7 days.BUT praise be to those blogger people who set it back up for me...it took a coupla emails BUT they DID IT...very nike inspired aren;'t they..
so yeh here i am again....and oh, i saw mi first snow in 18 years ( AMAZING FEAT) 2 days ago..YAY me..i feel like spiderman whose bit by a terrible insect and feels all sad for 10 days until he finds sum magic thing wher he can climb walls..dotn ask me whut that has to do with anything..its jus a HAPPY happy europhic kinda feeling..the whole uni is bathed in white and the funniest thing is that down in the city it isnt even rainning much.hah..so yeth as i doth speaketh ( wannabe-weirdness+lisp+shakespeare), it ith thnowing...thou may not laugh at me thu fool! thuth up i tell thou, thuth up!!..
yes im i nan awesome mood...its the snow i tell u..it look so prettyyyyyyy...
ok..hm..aside frm tht, well nuthing muchs been happeni (contradiciton + understatement) ..im jus in fdenial of the amount of work i hav to do i realli SHUD get crackin on it startin now which means i shud stop slackin off in uni and grab a coffee and go read mi english novel..which i hav an exam for..in like, a weeek and a bit..and oh i need to keep checkin ifd they might nt cancel classes today cuz it gets real hard for the buses to go down the mountain and theres been incidents where people had to stay overnight at uni...freaky..yes..lol
so,hm thts MOI for now,.....will do painfully bigger blogs now and CHERISH EACH AND EVRY ONE OF THEM.. i feel re-incarnated again, seriousli...
back from the dead..Yippe meeee..lol
bye for now,luvyah all./

Of the Near-Faint, and the Long-Weekend.

well it wasnt all that long if u get down to it..haha..
so i havent written mi utter bs in here for a while, better get crackin on it..haha,i sound like a squirrel./ gettin nutty and crackin..bwaha.
okay lame joke.
so hm, this weekends highlightsssss,,, ( not the hair ones dodos), helped out in the kitchen majorli, went to the mall, took mi cousin to his scout trainin thing, er...bohring..
Oh- this was MAD cool,i NEARLY fainted. its been mi utter desperate ambition to faint , i kid you not..hah..nah its jus fascinating, lol...seriousli..the earliest incident i cn rememebr was mi friend in 3rd grade who fainted at mi feet, and no it wasnt cuz i threw up, she was more overli impressed by my amazing-ness and was her ardent swooning overwhelmed her and she thus, fainted.
tht sounds cheesy even to me, haha..well actualli it was the heat, and u know in pakistan when we say HEAT, we mean Proffesional heat, not the wanna be thing you find lurking in ovens okay, this thing is The Heat to Beat all previous Heats. And that rhymes. Again. its the (loser) poet in me that makes evrything rhyme sumhow.
so neways this girl fainted and the hooplah tht followed afterwards was damn impressive. not to mention she got not one but two icecreams afterwards.yes, TWO. The Injustice. as a lil kid in 3rd grade, that was like a great personal insult to my tiny,ice-cream deprived soul.
haw, not.
thus i embarked on the i-must-faint-too quest, for which, this sunday, i reached a whole new level like thisss close to my lifelong goal.
YES I LOVE MELODRAMA I SAID SO ALREADY OKAY! jeez.
anywayssss,, so basicalli i was sleeping
but first lets define The Farida Sleep. yes this is a whole new series of sleep that deserves a special mention.
Followers of this sleep usualli exhibit the following characterisitcs-
1) covering as much available space as possible in the area in which they are sleeping. this is NOT limited to beds but may include, bus seats, car seats, the backyard, and the all-time shrine of Sleep itself, The Desk In Class.
be it the one at school or college.
2)They DO NOT wake up at any cost, unless trampled by mutant elephants twenty times the regular size being ridden by ear deafening orchestras.
by which point it wud b futile to wake said person as they wud b dead. or in further eternal sleep.
yes that is the all time goal of their life ( mine's tied in with fainting) they sleep either way.
for further details contact the Guru herself.
lol.
so in any case, i was having one of those Sleeps when the doorbell rang and in a zombie like state i ran to open the door.
oh which means i gotta add a sub clause,i woke up ONLI CUZ mi reputation as lazy bum with my aunt was at stake and needed to be remedied.
anyways so i ran to open the door, mi head blank, ..saw mi uncle, remebered im in slightly inappropriate sleep wear, ran upstairs to get a shawl, ran down to er..well. doom..ha.. er
no realli i jus blacked out and cudnt see. couldnt move either, and felt like it was snowing inside mi brain ( yes mi brain follows seasons all on its own). felt like i had no energy, wanted to throw up went in the bathroom, collapsed on the floor, manged to sumhow get out and collapse on the chair, it was like every single joule (is that the right unit ?!?!) of energy i had ws gone, and THAT wud b greattttttttt if it had taken the fat stores in mi body with it which wud mean id hav a flatter tummy but noooooooooooo, it had to leave the silly fat behind for me to work out and lose.and no im jus kiddin here ,im not THAT health obsessed.
neways i whimpered out mi aunts name 5 times before she heard me and i told her like a lil kid,
'khala,i cant see.'
ha. total movieeeee scene. and i dunno why im elaborating this whole thng so much like more of an attention seeking prat bt its not like tht, it just seems so downright hilarious to me right now. anyways so she gave me breakfast whutever and i ate and no, the reason whyyyy the whole black-out thing happened is NOT because i hav sum serious secret bacteria thing conquering mi brain, (god forbid) .. basicalli when u get up, u need to sit up for like 3 seconds to let the blood circulation be okay and go to ur head and whutever. nd i went from flat-out-asleep to running-like-mad. haha..and apparently if u do not let it happen u can faint. THERE finalli i reached the whole point of mi story after goin round in circles, bt it was damn hilarious anyways.
so no i dint faint, i WILL one day u wait and see..i come from a family of Fainters, we're liek the pro's people, i kid u not again. im not much of a kidding kind as u already know. (ha ha ha haaa).
mi mum fainted not one or two, but THREE times at her wedding. yes, imagine the bride walkin down the aisleand going from upright-sobbing to slump down in a heap on the floor.
dramatic, yes.
oh theres pictures of it too. apparently she was too upset and was crying hard and ws hungry and her clothes were damn heavy ( trust me i know.i tried it on and i cudnt walk a step) and to top it all she was like 40 kgs at the time.
ha..oh and she used to faint left right and center before havin mi sis, tho tht wasnt a lot of fun.
haha...so yeh hm,..interesting topic and i think ive exhausted it enuffff

mi aunt was mad at me a few days back cuz i went shoppin w/o tellin her and she saw me in a new top..and she didnt scream nuthin jus said it realli quietly with sumthin like i hate being lied to. i was hurt and guilty, made her a card, and over teh wekkend- helped out much more than required with the house and gave her a nice longgggggggggg pedicure. yay me.
i dont like breakin peoples hearts, ha..im the blunt to ur face but also apologise to ur face kind..i think..dunno. er
anyways..hmm.. so my cousin had his bday, and i babysat/organised/played with/controlled/yelled at/ helped/acted-as-punch-toy for about 10 ultra hyper 9 yr old guys. fun yes. they were sooooo..HYPER , i think i said already, and testosterone fuelled! and i thought puberty didnt hit guys till they were like 15! they were hitting and fighting and punching and calling each other sissies and kiddie-swearing,which is like 'ur a loser, ur dumb,' and 'oh yea? well you're stupid! ( which is supposedly worse.) and ur a sissy too (which is THE worst. like their own S word. usually uttered by the Big Bad Bully)' usually followed by' wahhhhh i want my mommy, Nowwwwwww'
thankfully we didnt reach mommy-stage..lol
but yes they were darn cute. darn is a kidde-swear btw, so this page is now rated PG-7 .liek it wasn rated mature (and mental) before..haha..
anyhowsssss...so yeh, oh they were playin pin the tale on the donkey and apparently one of them decided id make a good donkey so he spent the next 10 minutes tryna touch my bum. and place an imaginary, and im sure brown and hairy, tail to my aforesaid rear end.
yes it does make me sound like sum kind of desperate pedo. No i DID NOT come up with that tail idea it was entirely his own.
ha,,too bad the onli guys i get attention from are like under-10..the other one was that kid at Eid who took a sudden fancy to mi nose. apparently it tasted like strawberries.
that day was awkward in more ways then one. The Farida Sleep was attackin me in small doses throughout, lets just call it The Shot for small, cuz it does attack like u a shot. no seriousli, for like this one moment ull hav this overwhelming desire to sleep.its either that or fainting on the spot..ive had these more and more, mi aunt thinks its weakness and a messed up day pattern and whutever.

nehowww.the otherrrr awkward thing was mi uncle..he decided to pick up his old agenda to act like mi 42 yr old high school crush ..haw haw.. jus the wanna-grab ur hand ,pressin my foot deliberately, tiny lil touchie touchie thing.
Yes, its Gross to the umpteenth degree.
and oh, listen to this conversation i had with mi cousin and him eavesdroppin..we were sitting on a sofa, me at one end , uncle at the other end, with all the kids makin a ruckus and attackin each other with balloons when mi cousin ,moiz, came up to give me a hug. and i told him' but i want a kissie too meeda' ( i call him meeeda) and held out mi cheek
and hes like- nooo
and mi uncles like- i will.

it took all the strength i had not to throw up or smack him in the face, bt nehow..he ws like that all that day which was yesterday and i havent seen him all day today which suits me just fine thank u very much.

i shudn b makin a big deal of all these tiny things in mi life..worse things are happening or have happened to people before.
mi aunt was tellin me how these two colleagues of hers found out they had serious diseases while they were studyin and had to battle it out to get where they are today.
the first- serious diabetes in 4th year of studyin med school.
the second- blood cancer in 3rd year of studyin med school. 6 months before wedding.
and here i go complainin abt whut-the-hell-ever. anyways both of them fought it off, guy 2 had a bone marrow transplant and went ahead wit the wedding (aw, cute) and is still on meds but is doin fine on the whole.
we have so much to b thankful for..like dangggggggggg....haha..
hm..well its like 11 23 right now and i still hav an econ assignment to do so ima shoot off.i stil remember a coupla things to write about which ill prolli fill in later ( we had a long weekend okay.... so more things happened)
anywaysssssss,,me signing off for now.
btw, BIG HOLLA to sandy- i love the fact that you hardly ever get the chance to come online, but when you do you make it a point to come here and read mi blog and comment.
it touches mi heartttt. realli realli realli..good to knw ur sittin in ur lil corner of the world, and still caring and remembering.
thanx sis, i owe u one (hundred and a million times infinity)
lol
and yes i love ya'all too..like SHOO much..haha
byebyeeee..4 now.
eeda.
lotsa x's and lotsa o's.

Emo-ness

i write poetry. that is good
i suck at it. that is bad
and i have absolutely zero care for my reputation- which is why im putting this up.
hahaha.

this is the sketch of something i wrote for. um. lotsa people. or coupla people..oh Who cares who its for.its just about something thats in my head, like a blog, but in po-yem form.

I wore you like a supernatural talisman
round my neck
you lay above my heart
and in it too.
my precious little secret.

Unusual acquaintance
Reason for the smiles
Your quirky come-backs
made my day worthwhile*

Now the chain links are broken
The pendant lies half askew
Heavier than ever,
My loving burden
How will I forget you.

* that's emo okay, thats emo.
i KNOW. i did say its a sketch, and i cudnt make anything rhyme ther.
will alter that soon

aside from that ..day was okay, boring, lonely, typical..okay not typical it isnt usualli lonely but yeh jus didnt run into any real gud frnd today.
aunts pissed at me cuz i went shopping without telling her.Again.
she found out cuz i was wearin a new top.newaysssss...yes its my fault..these little things will happen. i was thinkin id write her a sorry note or sumthin.
things that made smile-saw this dang old asian man in the bus. wrinkles, knobbly knees, sparse hair, the works..sitting and reading a Transformers magazine. yes the robot thing all guys are into at the moment. I was touched, he looked so happy.
Just cuz u get old doesn' mean the child in u's gotta die.

oh- and seein asian babies on buses make me smile tooo.cuz theyre rarely ever crying, and they look gorgeous when they smile.

enuf emoness- haw.im off now...talk to ya'all later- class in 10 hourssss..eeeeeeeeek
love,
eeda.

to BYOL or not to BYOL- and other shtuff.

firstly- i love bein weird- like ya'all didnt know that already.
second-yes that is justification for what lies ahead
third-and yes i love the melodrama since my life lacks so much of it.

Attention all University Students!

According to a very very very old but probably reliable survey, Every 1 in 5 College student is afflicted with the horrible disease of waiting-in-lines.This terrible epidemic manifests itself in many ways- be it for buses, or food, or for your student card, to pay your fees, or to get to an unoccupied computer.
To the latter problem of waiting in lines for an empty computer, SFU has come up with a highly effective solution ( no joke- theres posters of this in mi uni!)
The amazing cure has been named BYOL- bring your own laptop*
and its discovery has been accredited to Professor Common Sense, who prefers to keep to himself and is rarely ever seen. Not even on Blue moons. Specially not on those.
Possible Side-effects include back pain, ridiculous back pain, and oh-my-gah-this-is-bad back pain. for the last one refer to nearest doctor immediately. for those without insurance, or ample insurance, other possible cures include freeze sprays,aspirin and whining. The latter has been known to work wonders.

*CAUTION: Kepp out of the reach of children. This equipment contains enough chips to seriously harm a child. If keys do not continue to work persistently or for more than 3 days or cause pain for more than 5 days, talk to a technician. Use only as directed by Users-Manual.


so that was my random thought for the day..lol..i BYOL-ed all last week and i have massive manifestations of symptom 3 already. itll pass
yes that last paragraph has been copied directly from the back of my tylenol/aspirin box. with a few changes, ofcourse.
anyways apparently BYOL isnt workin for me at the mo, so yeh,, im reduced to standing in lines.as if waiting for the bus 145 wasnt enuf to cause nightmares..

rant aside lifes been goin' good good and er..good.
Today was South Asian Festival at uni,. the Free food ( Ummmmm butter chicken!) more than made up for unitelligable eardrum-crackin, head-splittin,eye-watering level of Bhangara from the speakers.
Fun.
a shorter answer to the question, ' How was your day?' can be said thus.
' I had two cups of coffee today. Not One, But Two.'
That is all.


or not. u know i wont let u off that easily. oh, Shout out to loyal fan and potential girlfriend if i go rainbow rainbow ( that rhymes. unintentionalli) ISHA...lol..im doing this only cuz i know now ull comment on this note now, cuz it got your name on it..
Theres a word for this. They taught me it in school. ( Hakim- if you think you're so damn smart)
Yes Sirree. I am.
The word is Desperate.
( In ur FACE hakim)
and not desperate for members of the male clan, desperate for comments. kinda. not.
its a busy busy world after all ( sing to mickey mouse tune of its a small small world)

Yes, mad Farida is back with a Vengeance. And a Ca-Pow.and a Ca-Bam*. and Ka-Ching^ and a Boom. And Crash.
Confession (i think we're at number) 40-Im clumsy, okay. hence the crash.
* dont ask me why all the Ca's before evrything. i Like Calcium okay. Go figure.
oh all right ill sav u the trouble. read up ur periodic table in chemistry.
^ no im not shallow. but a little ka ching wuld be nice about now. i think it means money.wait, ill ask Shania Twain.

Enuf blabbing- here's another shoutout, to Dad, Happy birthday.Hope you have many many many times infinity more. I miss you. seriously.LOADS. i miss having car-rides where we talked about politics, and other things. I learnt so much from them. Hope ur happy wherver you are.

Lastly, because no mortal deserves so much torture at my hands, here's a poem about the scarf/hijab thing that i found nice.

You think I'm oppressed?Last time I checked dressing like your for sale was oppression
last time I checked being a one-night stand was oppression
last time I checked being a teenage mother was oppression
last time I checked getting STD"s was oppression
last time I checked dressing according to society's standards was oppression
last time I checked starving yourself to be skinny was oppression
last time I checked having the definition of beauty be the number of times you got checked out was oppression
last time I checked looking at unnaturally thin people and longing to be like them was oppresssion . . . but maybe thats just me?

Nuff said. =) Love ya'all..
G'night.

eeda.

update

things r goin ok. i guess
im realli realli angry at sumone right now. HAD to put it out there.
u know when theres no reason to be mad at people, nothing theyve realli done to you, but theyve let u down still. nd it hurts. thats how its like.
its okay if i dont make sense. i never do as it is.

lov u all..u too ish, ha- ther i mentioned u. u can die in peace now.
xoxoxoxo all.

Happiness

- finding people still care
- screw insecurities


DAMN GLAD right now- got a message from sandy AND talked to rima on audio.
could heaven be any sweeter?
(could i be any more emo)

just had to put it out there..
i miss u guys soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much
nd luvyah too
nd all tht jazz.

--eeda--

examination time.

do unto others as u wud have them do unto u..
or sumthing.

its self examination time, yeh babay!!!

over the past few days- various people hav been telling stuff about me- bad stuff- tht i didnt know. maybe its time i lookie at miself up closely nd make out mi own faults.. and sum other thngs bout me tht i mayb need to change.

sumone once told me u dont become a weaker person for accepting ur mistakes- ur stronger for it.
it sounds damn hard, bt ima do it, cept i dunt think ill mention who said whut, bt jus whuts been said so far and whut i fugure on mi own., theyre mixed, and in no order, and since im absolutely sure noones readin mi blog now but me- i cn write whutever the hell i want.

1- i stereotype- courtesy david choi, mi music idol. in his chat room when i said sumthin bout him bein asian and not liking math was surprising.
2-im harsh at times
3- im clingy
4-i lie at times
5-i hate miself for some things
6-i get shallow
7-im intimidated by others
8-i get mad easily when people find fault in me
9-i am defensive about miself, mi family and friends
10-i dont stand up enuf to people, when i do, i do it too much
11-im not consistent with what i believe in
12-im hypocritical about sum of mi values, i mean sum religious aspects and mi desi/paki values here.
13-im overly sensitive
14-i gossip, but dont judge- and never backstab. ever
15-im scared of letting people down
16- i try and make everyone happy- when i find ive done sumone sum wrong, it drives me insane for days.
17-i worry too much
18- i stress over the most banal things
19- i let people use me
20-i feel hypocritical that even tho i miss home, i wouldnt want to go back and live ther
21-i feel insensitive for being here when i know mi mum needs me
22-i feel like im a burden on mi dad
23-marriage and death frighten the shit out of me
24-i trust others way too easily.
25-i manipulate? mayb... need to think abt this
26-i procastinate
27-i take advantage of the fact that my aunt is nice to me
28-people who are way richer than me, or better looking, or better dressed, or more sophisticated, more talented, more intelligent intimidate me. the richer because i feel theyre comparing themselves with me- and its pity more than genuine friendship.
29-i rant way too much
30-i used to keep mi life private, and that used to eat me up- now its gettin public, i tell people stuff, nd thats scary
31-i hate being vulnerable- telling people ur secrets or ur weak spots makes u vulnerable, among other things.
32-i dont belive in love as it applies to me anymore- i dont see why anyone guy or friend, would see in me to love/like. which is why i pushed abba away,
33-i hav realli bad self esteem
34-i hate guys- not hate but they scare me. prolli cuz of bad experiences. am i over dramatising here? i dunno, or just on the defensive.
35-i hate getting a cold.
36- i hate acne
37-( i love coffee) i hate thinking im wasting my dads money on petty things like coffee and clothes
38- which is why i dread shopping now..it makes me feel horribly guilty


well thts about all i cn think of now- most of em r repeated bt oh well..theyre genuine, which is whut counts i guess..they come straight from the heart- from the gooeey part that hurts the most.
its like laying ur soul open bare- its scary, nd weird at the same time. cuz u want people to know and not know at the same time..its pretty stupid laying it out in the open in any case. which is why im going to add a number 38 now

39-im dumb

but oh well..like i said noones reading..man its 1 23 i ws supposed to work on mi english bt ive been sneezing so much and mi eyes r so blurry i dnt think ill b able to think straight. shud prolli try and get sumthing down at least.
lifes goin on....not much to write now- ill leave it at tht...will rant or write weird stuff or sumthin bout me later on..
gnight fr now,
me

revelations and running.

yeh- whut ive discovered is tht il jus write shorter posts, cuz noones readin this
bt this way wen im growin old and mouldy , hopefulli nt that mouldy- i cn come here nd rememebr when i did wht.
big accomplishment of today- im starting a new self improvement plan..HA yes me..
i went running out today in the freezing cold and the rain..obv got soaked bt honestly ive not run this madli in mi life..if i did, i wud b sporting more running medals, as it were i was always last in running..so never ran out of shame..but today i ran and ran and ran,,about 24 blocks and back....oh actualli it ws a lil more...bt oh well- yes it was exhilirating- a lil painful round the lungs and a lil tingly round the toes and calves bt i DID it..shourv and mi aunt and uncle had absolutely bet on me never being able to do it- so in ur FACE.ha..
nd second up- ever since mi dad said ive been spending too much..i actualli sat down and made a plan..i spend 2.77 dollars on llunch evy day- pizza and a drink and 2.9 on coffee. thts about 112 dollars per month.. well bye bye to all tht, mayb not coffee tho- lol..gna make home made lunchs, and eat snacks and fruits instead, and get a job too..if i do get a job ill hav more money fr lunch and stuff....hm...
dad never said abt cutting down expenses- mayb he ws too embarrased to..bt he did say make a budget and follow it..which is coming to about 320 dollars per month..lunch and grocery and stationary and pocket money included.... needs to go down

neways enuf of the boring details- ill write gain hopefulli soon abt whut happened at lisas partyyy..right now, gta study for a math midterm..eeeeeeeyuck!
lol...
luv,
me

ps- not luv me-i dunt luv me- no no, i hateee me..lovin me wud be..weird..and... arrogant and vain.i meant love u, by me... lame..random..yes..i know.

of october.

( pictures deleted due to personal reasons!_)
these pics r frm the few events tht happened in mi life this month..yes i love dramatising things, so ther...haha..the first ones frm a girls onl halooween/eid party i went too..it was a dress, nd i ws obv gypsy..i tried to get the skirt in the pic bt cudnt- bt it ws actualli quite nice- despite me hating wearing skirts...yeh im wearin short sleeves onli cuz it was an all girls party..see, innocent lil ol' me as always...
(ahaw ahaw ahaw..oxymoron)
second ones obv frm eid..mi cousin was tryna take a photo of me squashed in betweeen 2 other auntis with his own camera...yeh he's got a digital cam all of his own- one of those earliest types.....i managed to cut miself out sumhow,..from the original picture i mean..,haha.i look like SUCH an aunti..miself..........andi love the way the whole picture is focused on mi hands., cuz poor thng, mi cousins short..so obv yeh...hm..
ok fine, so i wasnt THAT squashed between them.
third- this ones to prove tht the rather expensive facial i had on eid for the first time in mi life did actualli manage to make mi skin seem clearer. which i thought ws mission impossible all on its own- bt well u guys cn b better judges.
according to mi aunt- ' ur glowing' ..tht compliment quite made up for mi sucki math midterm mark
no im not shallow..lol
mre on this later,,
tc ..luvyah alllll..u gys need t put up recent-er pics of u too..
dnt blame me fr crappy vocab tht im makin up miself- its 1 am.
missin u,
eeda
xoxo.