rant.
cuz its been bugging me,
and ive tried so.very.hard to not let it show but here it comes.
*vomit vomit*


khala, WHY did you have to go through my diary?
you tell me you did because..it was your duty as my parent-figure?

Islam emphasizes privacy.
The Holy Prophet (p.b.u.h) kept things belonging to other people safe with him, without touching them or looking through them, because they were things for his safe-keeping.

Everything that i own which is in your house right now, are still MY possessions.
when i leave my room , they are yours for safe-keeping.
and you went through it. not just my clothes or anything, but my most treasured, my most private things.
and you KNOW this, so don't deny it.
and you violated my trust, and then had the guts to ask me why i don't trust you and tell you stuff?
kahan geya Islam khala?

what about khalu? violating me? my rights as a human? i was dad's gift to you, for safe-keeping.
kahan geya Islam?

as much as dad and khalu don't get along, when dad was sending me here, dad said he'd never trust me with any other man except for khalu.
ironic.
he was the one man dad Shouldn't have trusted me with.
funny how khalu's oh-im-perfect act fooled dad too.

kahan geya Islam khalu?

the pair of you, you and your husband.
i'll probably forgive you, 'cuz u've done it before. oh-so-many-times. nothing new.
but your husband's pretentious im-so-perfect act
makes.me.sick.to.my.stomach.


i need to be patient.
patience.composure.calm.stability.stoicism.fortitude.


on a side note, Eid Mubarak everyone! time to indulge in sawayan and eidii..
pft i miss home.

-end ramble-

o, talk with Gunther=much needed
xo
eeda

this is making me
insomniac.
ack.




and oh, so like, if my head was a little clearer id write some lines about that picture.
'cuz like it's inspirational um like it makes me all a-quiver on the inside.


so like.
i woke up at 3 am, like
i couldn't sleep, dig?
its 4 46 am right now, like
i have essays to type up but like
my mind is racing like
a ferris wheel, dig?

i'm high again. on hm.
sleep-deprivation.
or too much sleep.
or.hm.

my eyeballs hurt. isn't that weird? we should get someone to gouge them out
gory.
reminds me of King Lear, didnt he get his eye taken out? or something.

hoo ah
-from Scent of a woman.

u kept saying that when you were telling me the story.
like u were in pain.

those who've watched the movie might understand.

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Oh, where do I go from here, Charlie?
Charlie Simms: If you're tangled up, just tango on.
-Scent of a woman.

didn't i mention that i lur lur lurve the tango?
here's the other reason why.

i really need to shush.
photo credits, The Fragile, by Visceralmilk on deviantart.com

edit.
i asked him to call me at 5 30 am.
got cooled down a little. finally fell asleep.
not.
good.
is it a temporary need?


all for now
xo
-eeda.

i apologize for the failing standards of this place.
its turning into a big ramble. rumble.

on the topic of some turtle-lovin'..




i think ive posted this up before.
either way,
cutesyness x2
<3<3<3

we had a very very very intense conversation last night.
what with khala moving her i-shalt-confess-all deadline from 6 months to 2 weeks, let's just say it's a bit of an understatement that i feel pressured for time.
especially regarding something that is so big.
im scared.

my mind's doing impersonations.
of hamsters running in wheels.

i think. i think.
i think i'm going to say No.
i think i'm going to say
No.
i think.
i think?

i want to say yes.
but i will not won't can not can't shan't

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse -from 'The Love song of J.Alfred Prufrock' by T.S Elliot.

i know that
i do not know
what to do.

please forgive me.
(if i do)

because

love
endures.

cutesyness <3<3<3

after a very long time, i feel
gentle.
blissful.
for no reason at all.

it's a happy feeling
let's all hug now!
bahahha

i miss him.i wish he'd get home soon.
:)

if it's so hard for you, why are you making it worse for me?

just for the record, if i break down, it'll be your fault.

photo credits-postsecret.com
-eeda

come undone at the seams.

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skillfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me,i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

-'Somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond' by E.E Cummings.


''then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore.''
-Anonymous.

None of this is particularly aimed at anyone. just kinda fits in.
im in an emo mood.

this little needle inside that keeps ticking...
one wrong move and i..
close.

picture meddled with a little, original 'Sheer Light' by zemotion on deviantart.com
xo
-eeda.

ps. neelo.
TWO posts in one day already.
yes u love me.
yes i know it.
:D
Gunther,
update blog.
pweezy?

this post is kinda random.
neeli would hyperventilate if i didnt.
oops, sorry.
neelo.
hahahahahahahahahaah..




nadir tells me it seemed i was happy while i was there.
he tells me i was MUCH happier while i was there.
i WAS happier.
much much much.

no boundaries, except my own. no limits, except my own.
i did as i pleased.
i jogged up and down the hill in the rain and got soaked.
between dewy leaves and pearly flowers glistening, smiling, dancing to the
whisper of the wind, caressing, engulfing , submerging me
in peace.
and everywhere i looked up i saw rainbows.

Thank you Allah for letting me have those 6 weeks.

I feel riotous. but in a calmed way.

an eternal sadness in the eyes.

I cooked. was still trying to finish it up when khalu came in. peered over. disapproved. told me he'd fix it. took charge.
he told khala i messed it and gave up and he had to do the fixing.
i wasn't done. u forcefully took over.
Nobody ASKED you to.

i hate hypocrisy.
loathe despise abhor

( 2 hours later) what did i tell u? khala comes home and rubs in the fact that i cant cook a decent thing straight.
yes khala its sad. its sadder that i wasnt even allowed to try.
what else is sad....hm..
she has issues with me going to two iftars.
and eid parties too im sure, wait till those roll around.
there's no point looking forward to anything right now. at all.

you got me in a chokehold.

Hold.

choke.

choke more.

check me.

life line.

check mate.

hate blind
cursed fate
fake case
suffa cate.
catch phrase
e rase
caught breath
brain dead
dread lock
lock down.
down cold
choke hold.

o, and i love lavender.

i also love it when i wake up to your phone call.

and i love rainbows and hot showers and i love whispered conversations at 5 am insisting that it's time you got out of bed and went to work and i love when you call me during your break and i love rain and i love when the sky is blue grey black and every color in between and i love sticking my head out the window and just.
breathing.

-end ramble-

Question.
would you rather have someone rotten on the inside, 'sane' on the outside,
or
sane on the inside, and rotten on the outside?


fodder for thought.
study time.
must.not.procrastinate.

x0
-eeda.

ps.
yes that masked figure in the picture with NO sense of colour-coding clothes IS me. (alliteration not intended). i was in my pajamas jeesh.
and no i didnt look decent enough for you to look at me.
and no im not part of some stringent Taliban group which makes me wear a full face black niqab either.

thought i'd clarify that.
hum de dum do do dah..

nonsensical

he says.' don't cater to my needs. just be you.'
a.r.g.h

i really really want to just smash my skull hard against the wall right now.
except that i know that i can't.
and it's Pissing.me.off.
because i have to be sane.

i hate sanity.

i read this book once by Paulo Coelho called Veronika decides to die, where this girl called Veronika ( surprise surprise) gets admitted to a mental hospital because of a failed suicide attempt. She comes to realize that in a mental hospital there are no rules and everything goes because heck, ur insane. It talks about letting go of your inhibitions, about doing thing that you always wanted to secretly do, but couldn't because soceity told you not to.

Kinda like Freudian Psychology, except that noone's asking you to have sex with your dad.
Freud was just w.e.i.r.d that way.

back to said point.
im thinking. i can't really get myself INTO a mental hospital, which sucks.
i've always had this overwhelming desire to.
actually, if i claim distant blood relationship with Zardari, it might actually work.

don't even get me started on his cheap arse my-wife-aint-been-gone-12-months but ooooooh-hello-there-pwetty-lady-lemme-hug-u crap he pulled off with Sarah Palin.

but back to original point.if i WAS mad.
i. hm.
life would be simpler.
id eat dress marry sing travel whomever wherever whenever i wanted to.
childish i know.

im trying to drown out my throbbing temples with the loudest harshest brashest music i can find on my Itunes, which is hard, considering i dont have too much OF that kind. fry my neurons into mush so they stop racing each other for one second numb everything out until its just meaningless echoes bouncing around like old forgotten voices calling each other in sunken ships wedged between mildewed crags overcome in seaweed and bones of dead fish.

armie tells me there's 4 steps to love.
xrx_mizunderz2d_xrx says:
the first one is called "FILIA"..its love for friends...
the second one is "EROS"..which is physical...ur attracted physically..
the third one is "STERGO"..which means u see urself having a future with him and all...
and the fourth it "AGAPE"...which is unconditional love.

unconditional love.

i dont think theres such a thing anymore.
maybe its in old couples smiles. mayb when a mother holds her newborn.

mayb its in everything. maybe its in nothing.
everything can be corrupted.

i find hope in broken lyrics. in pictures.




love.it could be love.
it could be something else too.

That is love.
That was always love, but we
live in rushed seconds.
-Desert lion on deviantart.com


liar.lyre.pyre. pair. prairie.
nonsense. non sense. no sense
sense
sense and sensibility.
screw that.

let's all just run after butterflies in lavender fields.

Karsh Kale has been drumming Milan in my ear for the past 40 minutes or so nonstop.
its funny how even the loudest volume isnt loud enough. stupid headphones/itunes/HP/


There are no shortcuts to any place worth going.

too true.
im tired of trying to go places.

haha..that sounds wrong on so many levels.
no worries everyone, im not going no places..bah
mi minds permanently in the gutter.

im not saying anything worth a dime right now.
bed-time.
4 am..probably a good idea.

last quote for my idealism deprived soul.

I tried the world, it wears no more
the colouring of romance it wore.
-L.M Montogomery.

Definitely Pms-ing now.
God bless unquestionable ready-made excuses for bouts of insanity and incoherence.
A-men.


the dash is intentional.

aight im outtie....like a saudddiiiiiiiiii.
peace in the middle east.
bad bad BAD joke.

xo
-eeda

i am pissed.
like PISSED.

and i don't know why. or at whom.

i think my let's-pretend-i-am-mother-Theresa act is falling through and it's all crashing down at me at the same time in perfect synchronicity.


or it could be just plain old p.m.s

i feel rather like Zeus.
i.e thunderbolt in hand ready to strike at will.
a little more clothed than him perhaps.
and maybe a little more female too.
Rawr.

he says my cat impersonations are surprisingly realistic.
>_O

and also, for the sake of not appearing a completely defunct member of society and actually having some fodder to talk about with my other fellow female friends ( alliteration not intended), im ACTUALLY ( it kills me to admit it) watching gossip girl. online. for free.
so sue me.
or trying to watch at any rate. i can't find the feckin (no that's not a swear) episode 15 and it's feckin pissin me feckin off.

feckin is NOTHING like the naughty f word. it's like.
feeding+clucking.
which makes me sound like a chicken.

i think earlier in this post somewhere i was being a cat.
a catchicken.
cachiken.
cluawwwwwr.


aaaaaaawwwhrggggghhhhhhh
i.needs.sleep.
and chocolate.
LOTS of chocolate.
and home and mum and a phone call from we know who and a big fat hug.

oh DEFINITELY pms-ing now.
shoooooooo....

.

Heal

Dilemma, of sorts.






Question
How do you ever know how much you deserve
How do you ever know if you're not settling for less, because that's how much you think you deserve.

Sometimes. we settle for too little.
Sometimes. we let it pass, hoping for something better.
and better, and better.

Inadequacy,
or Regret?

make the most of what comes?

fodder for thought.
xo
-eeda

ps.
that picture was shamelessly taken from postsecret and bears no resemblance to me or anyone i know.
just thought i'd clear that up before people started thinking i do part-time work for playboy and publish semi-nude pictures of me with twisted statements on them.
no.i don't.

i burst thee bubble..
Ooopsie me.

right now.
my brain is cheese.
disheveled,yellowing,
with holes galore.


in one end....

out the other..

bah. dont know why it was so important to make that point :/

apologies to all who came here excitedly expecting some thought-provoking piece of art.
bored at uni
=cheese brain time.

he says-' do you have any sense of sanitarianism?!'
and they tell me im a fob.

speaking of the Undercover Aunties Investigation Bureau, my aunt has promptly got herself promoted to Chief Nasty-is-my-middle-name rank, by having gone through my ENTIRE diary and ALL my text messages on my phone on the one unfortunate day i didn't have it glued to me.

points of observation:
1- i think, that is the absolute most disgustingly lowest thing you could do to someone.
2-she had the gall to bring it up with me, quoting to me the messages, questioning me about them, and then outright refusing that she read my diary or my phone.
and then she tells me she cannot believe how I have issues trusting her.

let's just say i was too horrified to speak.

and also that i do not wish to rant about all that followed, atleast not right now.
she might not respect such things as privacy and so on, but i respect some things.
among which is Ramazan, and i really REALLY don't want to ruin it by swearing.

on the brighter side, it's just my kinda night.
it's a little wild.
the skys a dark mutinous mauve.
the leaves are swishing about a little too loudly for something that is tiny,yellow green, crumpled and wet.
its a little chilly, and very windy, the kind of wind you hear in cheesy indian horror movies, that wails like an old lady with no teeth. except that this wind is real.
and there's a pine-tree kinda tree ( excuse me if my botany is not upto par despite it running thru my blood 'cuz apparently Ma rocked at it) . so there's the pine-tree kinda tree under my window that smells like a whiff of heaven with a little bit of nostalgia mixed in it.
it smells oddly reminiscent of just..Home.
of wild,stormy nights walking along the beach singing sagar kinaray.

emoness i know.

did i mention that it's raining?

-bliss-
of a riotious kind.

ima a bit of a sucker for rain. it's calming.

it's like finding something that's just a little more riotous, a little more turbulent,
a lot more chaotic
than you.
it awes me,
shuts me up
calms me down
serenades
soothes
heals

Still


so very peaceful.


Give me something to believe in
'Cause i don't believe in you, anymore, anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference
Even makes a difference to try, yeah
-Makes me wonder, by Maroon 5.


yeh i really don't believe in you anymore.
i tried hard, trust me i did. i went totally out of my way to tell you everything but
it was never enough for you.
and u flung away what i did tell you way too many times, like it was rehearsed speeches, cheap lines.
it was nothing less than raw truth.


it really does make me wonder though.
trying, i mean.
there's only much you can try and run away from fate.
if it insists on taking you under there's not much you Can do.



me thinks i need to continue my garble tomorrow.
ima go sleep cocooned in the pattering of the raindrops and the howl of the wind.

echo in my eardrums till you drown out the voices in my head.

Raindrops keep fallin' on my head
And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed
Nothin' seems to fit
Those raindrops are fallin' on my head,
they keep fallin'.
-Raindrops keep..by B.J Thomas.

hum dee dum dum..

xo
-eeda.

for all those of you who still respect, despite the rant,thank-you.
you know who you are :)

2 posts in 2 hours. yippee.

She says "wake up, it's no use pretending"
I'll keep stealing, breathing her.
Birds are leaving over autumn's ending
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes 'round the yard

She says "If I leave before you, darling
Don't you waste me in the ground"
I lay smiling like our sleeping children
One of us will die inside these arms
Eyes wide open, naked as we came
One will spread our ashes round the yard.

beautiful song. <3.