Bleargh

its saturday night. its the annual fireworks grand finale. the entire town and their mother and phupposs and their neighbor's grand-uncle's dogs are out.ALL except for me because my friends want to break the all-time-nerdo/good desi daughter level and stay at home with family
SHEESH.
i wish i HAD an excuse to be able to stay at home.the only thing stopping me is tht the show ends at 2 am, and aside from the euphoria, the nastier after-effects include drunkards and good-girl-gone-sluts and bad-boys-gone-worse types and i really don't want to be in that crowd at 3 am by miself.
aaaaaah.
so
im at home.
CLEANING.

seriousli.

im thinking theres still time. it doesn start for another 3 hours. i can go, and give sum random guy a peck on the cheek and im sure he shud b willing enuf to play boyfriend/bodyguard for the next 4 hours.
ahah..okay more than a peck.

nah. not gnna work.

gr.
and what with the OTHER half of the world being out too (HINT drug) but telling me 'ur not going with that crowd' im even more tempted to go.

u know whats funny?with my aunt gone i cud stay out till 5 am and itd be okay. funny how when the one time u CAN go without having to worry about curfews,u stay home cleaning dishes.
the irony kills me.
God has a VERY weird sense of humour.

yeh aieenay mein chehraa
mera to nahee
tum hi dekhayee deye
har jaga. kaheen..
kaheen..
kaheen..

-Udhero Na. by Arooj Aftab.

hm. the nostalgias been getting worse lately. cudnt sleep till like 5 am, went online and they were online, for a change..weirdly pleasant surprise.

sometimes my mind feels like a cat chasing its own tail.
round and round in circles.

note to self-do not travel 4 cities/ cut 30 tomatoes and 10 cucumbers/make 90 burgers/go row boating/voluntarily organize a 50 people event.
in one day.
im so soreeeeeeeeee......

the row boating at the lake was worth it though.
proof.


i took it.pretty pretty, hai na?

i havent written in here for 3 days. writing and not just that, writing semi-coherent-crap-worth-reading seems to be an obligation now.
he said that too last night. its not supposed to be an obligation. its supposed to bring u happiness.

my laptop's purring like a cat being whipped. i SERIOUSLI need to get it fixed. it blacks out every 15 minutes.
screw Limewire.

rant to follow.

i do not own anyone. they have no obligation to me. i cannot push anyone to do things for me that i know will hurt them, just because they have done so in the past and i have too.
it is selfishness that destroys relationships.
that, and thinking that u have power over them.

the ball should always be center-court.

they owed me nothing. and that is why i lost them. and that is why i will lose him too.
demands.
this is not a competition.

but I owe them nothing too.

it is that thought that will liberate u. break u.
it means no commitment.
it means ur bond, ur words are meaningless.
it means i don't own u.
it means You do not own me, and u can set me free.
I do not want that freedom.

but it is safer this way. it is safer if we have no laws. no ownership.

('cuz the only time I see us together, is at the end of ridiculous)

But for all your subtleties, you have no wisdom.
-Lord of the Rings 3.

I will fool myself time and time again.

And plot different ways to go to the fireworks and make it back alive and in one piece too.
*sigh.

Ek din
tum bahut bade banoge ek din.
chaand se chamak uthoge ek din.
will you forget me then?
yes i can, if only you can.

-From some oldies indian song my mum used to hum.

can't find the song on utube though. shucks.

end lame introspective rambling. back to dishes and floors cinderella.

xo
-eeda