yes i changed the title.
frankly, random rantings, or any variation of that, was WAY too immature.
i always wanted to change it but never got round to it.
not that idyllic illusions is any more thought-provoking either but eh...
suggestions are always welcome and encouraged.

on that note,
khala has no sense of tact.
i think it must be one of those runs-through-the-family thing.
she knows friday nights are my happiest, chirpiest, hyper-est
and she OBV has to bring up the whole, one of these days i gtta sit down and talk to ur mum about u..
to 'uphold the sister trust'
me-u do realize that ur destryoing my entire family's peace of mind by doing so?
her-i don't care, u shud've thought of that.

hm. maybe she's right.
maybe i should stop thinking about 'upholding the peace in everyone's family'
especially hers.
maybe i shud just tell her about khalu. keep her a little occupied with that little piece of info and see if she has time or energy left to meddle in mine.

yeh khala im sorry if im not the kind of person u are. im sorry if i put people's happiness BEFORE things like 'doing the right thing'. im sorry that its more important to me that YOU remain happy with ur piece of shit husband rather than me highlight to u his faults and his flaws like he sits and highlights mine every.single.night.
im sorry if i care about you more than you care about me.

breathe it out eeds. breatheeee...

hmm...ii got my wake-up, be yourself wake-up call yesterday when i was talking to Gunther. it was much needed. (thank u.)

promptly went to my favorite spot in uni afterwards. sat on the highest steps with the uni pond at the back, the snowcapped moutains and valleys and the Fraser river to the right, the uni draped in red and blue for convocation at the front, and to the left.. a string of red and orange leafed treas, with the cityline fading at the back, a silver sliver of the ocean at the edge, the moutains encircling, big grey white golden clouds,the pinky blue sky, and the wisps of cold, numbing air.

the beauty was ...piercing.

i cried. for all things beautiful. for all things perfect.

but even more so for all things imperfect, for all things flawed. for all things that, despite being imperfect and flawed, bring beauty and happiness and warmth to my life.

so.hmm..

i know, its not me. i cant remember when was the last time i cried in public. not that there was anyone around. but yesh eeda's definitely getting publicly emo, which is..Not Good. me thinks he's made me a little more human. a little Too human, than i was.

need to get ze walls back up pweez. yez yez. ze wallz all ze way back up.

get ur armour out ladies.

which is whyyyy sumhow, im not sitting here crying my eyes out just cuz she jus inserted tht needle in again. i did it last time but, not anymore. ive gotten strength from whut bhaiyyu, drug, neelo and gunther have been harping about.
stop trying to run away from the inevitable.

stop trying to make them all happy.

and god, stop.taking.the.world.on.ur.shoulders. ( yet to do)

but hm.i'll deal.
don't i always?

chalay to..kat he jaey ga..safar.
ahista..ahista..

:D
rant over.
i shall now put on my :D mask and go have a :D 'family' dinner with them.
ha. so much for family.

xo
love you luvbugs.
-eeda.